A very genuine, "Why?" and "How?"

[georgia girl]

I am asking this with all sincerity and I genuinely want to understand. So, please bear with me and share honestly. Why would you get involved with someone who is otherwise committed? (I am not making a moral statement here, I am clearly asking.)

 

When I was single, certain men would be initially attractive to me but I'd find that fatal flaw and I'd be really turned off by them. One of those "flaws," were that they were already married. The others were that they drank too much, seemed irresponsible, didn't take care of themselves health-wise. Looking back, I can see it was my self-preservation mechanism. Before I got to the point of really caring about someone, they had to be fully vetted. I just wasn't into creating heartache for myself. I think that's pretty common, especially with women. So, what is it about these men that override your trigger? I really do want to understand.

 

And then, "How?" My husband and I were talking about this last night as I was posting online and he was reading my Hal Higdon training stuff. We're too busy. If we tried to throw in fooling around at work, we'd get buried in a day. Our lives outside of work are so intertwined that we often do things apart but within the same social group. There just isn't the time to carve out for this.

 

And then again, "Why?" Isn't one relationship hard enough? I can't imagine juggling two. Especially as a woman (and we don't have kids). I'd be exhausted.

 

I'm not being snarky and if you genuinely wouldn't mind sharing, I'd really appreciate your perspective.

[Goodbye]

Why do you ask? Did your husband cheat? Why not ask if that is the case? In my case, there had been a long friendship. My exMM also misrepresented the status of his marriage, describing himself as separated. He made up lots of crap about the impending demise of his marriage which allegedly had nothing to do with our relationship. It was long distance. I was in the dark.

[Praying4Peace]

We were coworkers turned friends. And it was only the two of us in the whole work environment. I was involved before I even knew I was involved. It was like I woke up one day and realized the friendship was too much.

 

After that- when it turned PA...that's all my fault. I guess the heart wants what it wants. And when that feeling is strongly reciprocated all reason goes out the window.

 

It shouldn't be that hard to understand...a lot of movies in Hollywood (okay, exaggeration) and songs on the radio are about the 'one you can't have' because they belong to someone else.

[chaser0195]

It was a friendship that crossed the line for me. I woke up one day and realized I had a huge crush on him and I guess he felt the same way. I fell for him and had that stupid OW mind set that he must really have true feelings for me if he was willing to risk his marriage.

[who_am_i]

honestly...

he seemed innocent and lonely...he was a nice guy who made it seem as if he was under appreciated. i saw him as a guy who was sacrificing his happiness for the sake of his family.

to this day i'm not sure if he was trying to "work" me...or if this was really his reality. i like to think the latter....

now it seems silly to me to say it out loud...but it felt nice to be a reason for someones happiness. i thought he deserved to be happy.

 

now i see that i sacrificed my happiness for his...i dont know why, but i'm working on finding out.

[cocorico]

Before I got to the point of really caring about someone, they had to be fully vetted. I just wasn't into creating heartache for myself. I think that's pretty common, especially with women. So, what is it about these men that override your trigger?

 

I am like this too, but "being M" is not a Dealbreaker for me in the way that, say, the wrong politics, or incompatible interests, would be. To me, available is as available does, and if someone considers themselves insufficiently committed so as to make themselves available to meet my requirements in a R, then they are available. I do not set myself up,as the guardian of anyone else's M, nor do I attach more meaning or value to it than they themselves do.

 

And then, "How?" My husband and I were talking about this last night as I was posting online and he was reading my Hal Higdon training stuff. We're too busy. If we tried to throw in fooling around at work, we'd get buried in a day. Our lives outside of work are so intertwined that we often do things apart but within the same social group. There just isn't the time to carve out for this.

 

If you are too busy for a R, you are too busy for a R, whether it is a M, dating, or an A. If you can accommodate a R of some kind or other, you may find as a Single person that an A takes less time and places fewer demands on you than dating or a M, if you're very busy and struggle to find time for any other kind of R. Certainly that was part of the attraction for me - my life was incredibly full and busy, I did not have time for a FTR, but I wanted hot sex, and an A met my needs very nicely.

 

And then again, "Why?" Isn't one relationship hard enough? I can't imagine juggling two. Especially as a woman (and we don't have kids). I'd be exhausted.

 

That question would perhaps be better asked of the unfaithful spouse rather than of the OW / OM, who are mostly single on these boards. But in the case of my fMM, it wasn't really "juggling two", it was more the case of transitioning from one (less satisfactory) to another (more satisfactory) with a period of overlap.

[who_am_i]

This is wrong in a 1000 levels.

 

 

No one is in charge or responsible for the happiness of another person. True happiness is intrinsic. Those that seek extrinsic happiness are wrong. Those that believe they can make someone else happy are wrong. No spouse in the planet can make the other spouse happy 24/7.

 

 

Happiness comes from within.

 

Your guy fooled you!

 

I have a few things to say...

 

First...the OP asked for an honest reason why and I gave it, but not so that I could be called out for it.

 

Second...I never said I was his ONLY reason to be happy. Just a reason. I never said I was responsible for his happiness. Just that I seemed to make him happy.

 

Finally...if you'll please take note of my last paragraph. I admit that the reasons now seem silly. I didn't need you to bring that to my attention.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have a few things to say...

 

First...the OP asked for an honest reason why and I gave it, but not so that I could be called out for it.

 

Second...I never said I was his ONLY reason to be happy. Just a reason. I never said I was responsible for his happiness. Just that I seemed to make him happy.

 

Finally...if you'll please take note of my last paragraph. I admit that the reasons now seem silly. I didn't need you to bring that to my attention.

 

Don't defend yourself.. I completely understand your post...

 

 

Any idiot on the planet knows we as humans need to be happy with ourselves. That being said, practically all of us as human beings take great pleasure in making someone else happy. Thats why people donate time/money to charities, help little old ladies acrross the street and bring ice cream home to our kids. And the feeling one gets from receiving it are equally as special..

 

Please explain why this is somehow a negative?

 

TFY

[Sarabi]

Lol...out of interest, being as they were present at their own weddings and signing of the registers...why is someone who knows he is otherwise committed get involved with ME?

 

Me...I guess as Lady Grey says, ultimately it is down to bad boundaries and allowing the extending of those bad boundaries; "oh going out for a drink is ok, it will just be once, we're just friends", "oh...him giving me a lift home is ok"..."oh...just one little kiss won't hurt, it won't happen again"..."I'll see him for just one hour before I go to work...its ok"...

 

la la la...

 

He is very nice we met at work(a very chance random situation) and it escalated from there. He told me first that he liked me but I told him I don't want to hurt anyone in his family. I ignored it to a point and I thought in spite of our mutual attraction "WE CAN BE FRIENDS"

 

I would say it was mostly emotional...but physical too.

 

There was a part of me that felt careless about the situation(because initially he really didn't seem to care) but as life has so frequently shown me, I also thought that this was the best I could do...

 

Meh...

[SweetiePie12]

Lol...out of interest, being as they were present at their own weddings and signing of the registers...why is someone who knows he is otherwise committed get involved with ME?

 

Good point!

[psm04]

honestly...

he seemed innocent and lonely...he was a nice guy who made it seem as if he was under appreciated. i saw him as a guy who was sacrificing his happiness for the sake of his family.

to this day i'm not sure if he was trying to "work" me...or if this was really his reality. i like to think the latter....

now it seems silly to me to say it out loud...but it felt nice to be a reason for someones happiness. i thought he deserved to be happy.

 

now i see that i sacrificed my happiness for his...i dont know why, but i'm working on finding out.

 

who_am_i, were we with the same guy? Lol. And no, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing because I can relate to this. It doesn't matter if he was playing you, or if he was sincere. What matters is that you weren't happy with what was going on.

[Got it]

I am asking this with all sincerity and I genuinely want to understand. So, please bear with me and share honestly. Why would you get involved with someone who is otherwise committed? (I am not making a moral statement here, I am clearly asking.)

 

When I was single, certain men would be initially attractive to me but I'd find that fatal flaw and I'd be really turned off by them. One of those "flaws," were that they were already married. The others were that they drank too much, seemed irresponsible, didn't take care of themselves health-wise. Looking back, I can see it was my self-preservation mechanism. Before I got to the point of really caring about someone, they had to be fully vetted. I just wasn't into creating heartache for myself. I think that's pretty common, especially with women. So, what is it about these men that override your trigger? I really do want to understand.

 

And then, "How?" My husband and I were talking about this last night as I was posting online and he was reading my Hal Higdon training stuff. We're too busy. If we tried to throw in fooling around at work, we'd get buried in a day. Our lives outside of work are so intertwined that we often do things apart but within the same social group. There just isn't the time to carve out for this.

 

And then again, "Why?" Isn't one relationship hard enough? I can't imagine juggling two. Especially as a woman (and we don't have kids). I'd be exhausted.

 

I'm not being snarky and if you genuinely wouldn't mind sharing, I'd really appreciate your perspective.

 

I think your hows and whys are both based on presumptions that your life is equally mirrored in others. There is an error in that line of logic for the following reasons:

 

1. The assumption that everyone has the same dealbreakers.

2. That people have the same ethics code.

3. That people have the same/similar self preservation coping system.

4. That people share similar work/life dynamics.

5. That people share similar time constraints.

6. That people share similar energy levels.

7. That people share similar fulfillment from their relationships.

8. That people are similar in their fulfillment of one relationship.

[Praying4Peace]

This is wrong in a 1000 levels.

 

 

No one is in charge or responsible for the happiness of another person. True happiness is intrinsic. Those that seek extrinsic happiness are wrong. Those that believe they can make someone else happy are wrong. No spouse in the planet can make the other spouse happy 24/7.

 

 

Happiness comes from within.

 

Your guy fooled you!

 

Pierre. I'm curious. Have you ever been in love? Like...can't see anyone else in the room, completely totally hopelessly in love?

 

I'm also curious about other things as they exist in "Pierre's World" (Its a spin off of Elmo's World...lol jk). For example- what is the definition of LOVE?

 

Lets assume we all understand that we need to have happiness and self confidence and self worth as a basic foundation for any type of contentment in life. Agreed.

 

Describe to me what love looks like? If you see a couple, how can you tell they are in love? If I see a man and woman and they can't keep their eyes off of each other and the rest of the world seems nonexistent- it looks like love. To you it looks like a synchronized ego-stroking. If I wake up early and make soup from scratch for my exAP bc he is sick and then take it over to him and not only did I enjoy making it, I enjoyed feeding it to him...is that unhealthy? If he got joy out of doing things for me, is that unhealthy (Id ask him NOT to go out of his way and he'd insist that he enjoyed doing things for me).

 

In general if one person loves my personality and qualities and another doesn't, I will be more attracted to the former. Is that unhealthy? If I really respect another's opinion and listen to what they have to say with great interest bc their point of view is well thought out and always addresses my best interests is that unhealthy?

 

I don't understand the function of love in your Universe or if it even exists. Why not just be like plants and remain asexual. Hell, in order to be the healthiest according to you one should just look in the mirror and masturbate. Seriously.

 

I'm glad you weren't around to influence Shakespeare's writings. The balcony scene would have Romeo saying "Juliet, why are you standing there looking for me? You have an unhealthy need for external validation. You look desperate standing there in the cold."

 

Methinks Pierre has never truly been in love.

[spice4life]

All I can say is that I don't why and I don't know how, but one thing is for certain - I will never do it again. Period end.

[georgia girl]

I am genuinely sorry for creating such an inflammatory post and I didn't mean to hurt anyone or expose anyone to hurt. But genuinely, your responses helped me to understand. Not having been in your shoes, it is hard sometimes to understand how one could open themselves up to so much hurt, which I tend to see here. But, I can see now where the promise was presented and that the risk of hurt seemed minimal. In a lot of your circumstances, these relationships grew gradually and that allowed for this element of trust to be established. Further, it seems like as is true for all relationships, there was o one decision that tipped it across the line from friendship to affair, but a series. That makes so much more sense to me.

 

To the one poster, I do feel like I should defend my poor husband. He's never cheated and we're relative newlyweds. My curiosity isn't because I feared something from him. (Now that I've defended him, I'll also admit that while I find him handsome, charming and amazing, he's also pretty dorky and if it weren't for me, he'd simply be single. He didn't date for four years before we met. Having a relationship is just not a priority to him.) Now that he is married, he is one of those guys who has settled all questions about sex, love and rock-n-roll for the rest of his life. We talked about this extensively before marriage and even now.

 

You also answered the question of how. It seems that spending time with this partner just becomes gradually more and more a part of your life. So, the time works in there. That question was probably borne out of my absolute exhaustion. It's been an incredible six weeks for me professionally and I'm shot. My house is dirty (my husband does not clean like I do), I'm out of shape, my gardens should have been done a month ago and it's seems like every spare minute has been sucked up. (Yet, I found time to be online... could've done laundry.)

 

Please hear that I am not judging. My heart just breaks when I read some people's hurt on here and that's why I asked. I also didn't mean to be arrogant with my question, but I can see where it came across the way.

 

Please ignore me, but accept my thanks!

[Sarabi]

I'm glad you weren't around to influence Shakespeare's writings. The balcony scene would have Romeo saying "Juliet, why are you standing there looking for me? You have an unhealthy need for external validation. You look desperate standing there in the cold."

 

Oh my...LOL!!! :laugh: Love it Love it Love it!!!

P.S. Being a resident of a city not too far from the home of Shakespeare, I can imagine this comment wouldn't be out of place. We have this kind of dry wit in that county

P.P.S. I have visited that balcony at her house in Verona...its very pretty! lol

[Sarabi]

P.P.P.S.

You forgot to add a line for Romeo...

"Juliet why do you not want more for yourself? You need to seek therapy/counselling IMMEDIATELY to discover why you feel the need for constant, external validation"

 

[DelusionalOne]

We were coworkers turned friends. And it was only the two of us in the whole work environment. I was involved before I even knew I was involved. It was like I woke up one day and realized the friendship was too much.

 

After that- when it turned PA...that's all my fault. I guess the heart wants what it wants. And when that feeling is strongly reciprocated all reason goes out the window.

 

It shouldn't be that hard to understand...a lot of movies in Hollywood (okay, exaggeration) and songs on the radio are about the 'one you can't have' because they belong to someone else.

 

This is my story, almost word for word except it never became a PA.

[waterwoman]

 

I'm glad you weren't around to influence Shakespeare's writings. The balcony scene would have Romeo saying "Juliet, why are you standing there looking for me? You have an unhealthy need for external validation. You look desperate standing there in the cold."

 

Methinks Pierre has never truly been in love.

 

 

Lol! In Waterwoman world, they would have been clipped round the ear and sent to do their damned homework! hate that stupid play, thankfully so do my two teens who have had to study it for GCSE. They both think R&J SHOULD get a LIFE! Much prefer Macbeth....

[Summer Breeze]

I think your hows and whys are both based on presumptions that your life is equally mirrored in others. There is an error in that line of logic for the following reasons:

 

1. The assumption that everyone has the same dealbreakers.

2. That people have the same ethics code.

3. That people have the same/similar self preservation coping system.

4. That people share similar work/life dynamics.

5. That people share similar time constraints.

6. That people share similar energy levels.

7. That people share similar fulfillment from their relationships.

8. That people are similar in their fulfillment of one relationship.

 

I actually tried to respond to the thread and some of these came into play for me too so I didn't bother. I also felt like it was geared more to people who were M rather than single.

 

OP. Your comments in your second post explained what you were looking for much more so thanks for that. Don't apologize for asking the question and I didn't think it was meant to be inflammatory. Hope you're more rested now!

[Sarabi]

Lol! In Waterwoman world, they would have been clipped round the ear and sent to do their damned homework! hate that stupid play, thankfully so do my two teens who have had to study it for GCSE. They both think R&J SHOULD get a LIFE! Much prefer Macbeth....

Lol

Macbeth was my GCSE text...

When shall we three meet again...in thunder, lightning, or in rain..? ...

[ComingInHot]

Georgia girl wrote, " You also answered the question of how. It seems that spending time with this partner just becomes gradually more and more a part of your life. So, the time works in there. That question was probably borne out of my absolute exhaustion. It's been an incredible six weeks for me professionally and I'm shot. My house is dirty (my husband does not clean like I do), I'm out of shape, my gardens should have been done a month ago and it's seems like every spare minute has been sucked up. (Yet, I found time to be online... could've done laundry.)"

 

OH how I relate to EVERYTHING ( save the gardening...I can't even grow weed*lol*!).

 

Especially the part about still finding time to post here on LS. But I think, for me, LS has become therapeutic to me in many ways.

 

Life is a constant balancing act. And I believe we count on our spouses to help support in maintaining that balance. When they don't contribute the that, it can truly be exhausting!

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

I could give you the obvious reasons like, we had an undeniable connection, it was exciting, mm & I were great friends, blah blah blah...all that's a given. More importantly, what I was lacking was a moral compass & boundaries. I am still working on the moral compass, probably always will be as I am a wild child at heart, but I have since learned what boundaries are & how important they are as well...boundaries for myself & being respectful of other people's boundaries.

[wisernow]

The symptoms of love are the same for those that desperately want to be loved and those that fall in love. And yes, I have been in love and now I am in love again.

 

The difference between wanting to be loved and falling in love is clear:

 

A person that wants to be loved will behave in a way that compromises the integrity of that person.

 

A person that does not want to be love can fall in love in the same manner, however, there will be no compromise of his or her integrity.

 

Pierre, I have no idea what your last two paragraphs mean. Everyone on the planet wants to be loved. How does wanting to be loved compromise your integrity? Smh. Sometimes , I'm truly baffled by things you say, this is one of those times. Seems very flawed. I really hope I've misunderstood.

Edited May 13, 2013 by wisernow

[Got it]

I actually tried to respond to the thread and some of these came into play for me too so I didn't bother. I also felt like it was geared more to people who were M rather than single.

 

OP. Your comments in your second post explained what you were looking for much more so thanks for that. Don't apologize for asking the question and I didn't think it was meant to be inflammatory. Hope you're more rested now!

 

Thank you. I didn't think it was wrong to ask, just the premise was off and I was clarifying why that was. I can't answer because my life does not line up with close to similar comparisons so I saw it like arguing apples and oranges.