Apathy and Indecision

[Dominic]

Well, to cut a long story short, I met someone (L) on the internet about 8 months ago who was married but separated at the time. Since then, she and her husband have got back together, primarily for the sake of their child. At first we were just trying to be friends, but soon w started on an affair. It was kind of stressful and we have had many arguments. At one point, she told me she no longer wanted me so i started to go out with someone else. I didn't want to be with that other person and when L got upset and started to cut herself I got back with her. She said she was not happy and she started to make plans to leave. However, I broke a promise to her, Icut myself which I had promised I would never do again. The stress of it all got a bit too much and it happened in a moment of madness. Now she is really mad with me and says she just wants friendship. I can't accept that, I know that she loves me and if only we could be together things would be great. Now though I don't know what to do, do I just accept the friendship and hope things will get better? or do I tell her how I feel, make her understand that we should be together? It's also kind of complicated by the time of year, I live quite a distance away from her so i on't see her often and because of christmas she is very busy doing family things.

 

If anyone can offer me advice please help. I know this is only a small amount of info and not much to go on, if you need more i can post it or give my, aim, icq or yahoo contact details.

[Tony T]

If she and her husband have gotten back together, for whatever reason, I think you should respect that and buzz off.

 

I don't understand the expression..."I cut myself"...but if you actually injured yourself, you need psychological treatment. If you cut off the relationship, that's good.

 

Online relationships can be interesting but the only satisfying ones you will ever have are the ones you have in person with unmarried, available ladies. I hope you will consider that option.

 

If this woman ever gets a divorce and contacts you, you may consider some involvement at that time. But until that happens, your interests and hers would best be served if you just stay out of her life in any capacity, including being friends which is not your objective anyway.

[Anastasia]

Hon,

 

I'm a bit confused. Please explain what you mean by "L got upset and started to cut herself I got back with her", does this mean she tried to commit suicide by slashing her wrists?? You then also say "however, I broke a promise to her, I cut myself which I had promised I would never do again" does this mean the same thing? If so you both need professional help, if you mean something else then please explain!!

 

Hugs

[Dominic]

A while ago I used to self-harm, which I am getting help from a psychotherapist for. L has been with her husband for several years, but she says that she has not been happy for a long time and they have split up several times. As far as I can see they only stay together for the sake of their child. Over the summer, after she got back with her husband, we spent time together we couldn't remain just friends which I have to say she initiated. I had another girl after me at that time, and because of my insecurities I made the mistake of telling L this which she got upset about because she thought I wanted to be with the other woman, but we worked it out and things were going great. Then about a month later for some reason things started going bad again and she told me to find someone else. Now I can see that this was a test, L is very insecure too and she wanted me to fight for her but because of my apathy and insecurity i never did because i never believed she would leave for me. Because L seemed so adamant, I started going out with someone else. Instantly, L got very upset and started to self-ham, more because she knew I had done it so she knew it would hurt me, it wasn't suicidal. At first I said no, let's just be friends because her telling me to go away had hurt so much. I relented though, and L started to make plans to leave. She didn't discuss this with me though and it all got a bit too much for me and I self-harmed again, which was a very important promise to her broken. Now she says I am weak and she doesn't want to be with someone like me.

 

I know she loves me though, and I love her very much and if we could resolve this and be together we could be so very happy. I refuse to give up on someone who I think is the one. Even through all this, we have still managed to talk and laugh. The main problem we have is although we talk, we don't talk about important decisions. We should make them together, not individually without talking to each other first. She thinks this too, but I don't see why we can't start now. I'm just so scared that if I start to tell her how I feel she'll just run the other way. The other option is just to remain friends and do everything I can to prove to her that I'm the one she wants to be with, the difficulty with this is that she might see it as apathy when really she wants me to fight for her.

[Vicky]

Wow!

 

That's a hell of a situation you've created for yourself! I have to say straight up that I can only be honest in giving you my opinion, it may be seem harsh to you and I apologise to you in advance because I know the pain you are in. Sometimes we need the truth to hit us between the eyes before we can truly see.

 

I feel that at this point, the only kind of relationship you two could ever have, without working on yourselves individually and independentally of each other is a co-dependant one. That's not healthy. You know that.

 

You've got co-dependency happening now. I speak from experience when I say this. I was in an extremely volotile co-dependent relationship where I was very addicted to the person. I tried to do myself in when he withdrew his 'love', when I felt abandonded. I know the signs. I know this is hard for you to hear but this is NOT about love, it's about doing whatever you can so the other person doesn't abandon you, it's about controlling the other person (testing!) to the extreme - to see if they'll be there for you, because of the co-dependancy on each other for feeling whole, the minute one of you feels unloved, abandonded your pattern is to self-harm.

 

You are two adult children carrying the illusion that somehow if you got together you'd be so very happy, that if you got together you'd feel whole. It's a fantasy, you two will continue to look outside yourselves for something only you can give to yourself - self love, self-worth, self-acceptance etc........as an adult you are now responsible for giving yourself what you didn't get as a child. Until you do that you will keep reaching out, looking for someone to fill that black hole up. I know you know what I'm talking about.

 

I would love to talk to you, if you would like. I feel for you hon, I really do. Give me a sign! :-))

 

Warm Hugs

[Dominic]

I would love to talk to you, if you would

like. I feel for you hon, I really do. Give me a sign! :-))

That would be brilliant, to talk to someone who doesn't know either of us and can give impartial advice would be excellent. I'd love to talk to you, I have msn messenger, ICQ, Yahoo messenger, AOL Instant Messenger and Metacrawler communicator.

 

Thanks

 

xxxx

[Anastasia]

Hi Domenic,

 

Ummmmm I'm not at home at the moment so I can't really talk to you on ICQ, I'll be back to normality tomorrow (Mon), how bout you post you email address here, I'll check it out when I'm home again, we can swap numbers then. Did anything that I wrote make any sort of sense to you?

 

Hugs

[Dominic]

Hi Domenic, Ummmmm I'm not at home at the moment so I can't really talk to you on ICQ, I'll be back to normality tomorrow (Mon), how bout you post you email address here, I'll check it out when I'm home again, we can swap numbers then. Did anything that I wrote make any sort of sense to you? Hugs

Yes it did make a lot of sense thank you, my e-mail is <e-mail address removed>. Thanks a lot for the advice, I can see what you're saying it's just obviously hard to accept.

 

Dominic

 

xxxx

[Anastasia]

Hey Domenic! Didya get my email?

[Deejette]

Self-mutilation and self-cutting are serious psychological conditions and need to be treated accordingly. Two people with this same affliction may not be able to help each other and might feed into each others' mental illness.

 

It is best to leave her be with her husband and seek help for yourself. She will also reach the point where she will seek help for her condition. But you cannot help build a world of security around her under these circumstances.

Hon, I'm a bit confused. Please explain what you mean by "L got upset and started to cut herself I got back with her", does this mean she tried to commit suicide by slashing her wrists?? You then also say "however, I broke a promise to her, I cut myself which I had promised I would never do again" does this mean the same thing? If so you both need professional help, if you mean something else then please explain!! Hugs