some advice

[veruca]

I have been with the same guy for almost 8 months. The problem that I have with our relationship is that he doesn't feel the need to spend a lot of time with me. Every Friday night he has practice with his band, and sometimes I go and sometimes I don't. Tonight I didnt go because he didn't call me or anything. I ended up going out with one of my girlfriends. And I never know what is going on for the weekend, since he doesn't make plans in advance. Everything is so uncertain with the two of us, which was fine in the beginning but now I want to have specific plans, or hear his voice occasionally on the phone, just to talk. I really care about him, and I want to see him whenever I can. In the beginning I think he was more into me than I was into him, and now the situation has changed. I am just sitting here feeling so low, because I am worried that maybe he really doesn't care about me anymore. He is always telling me that he loves me, and kisses me very sweetly. I can tell that he does care about me, but I don't think that he is really in love with me since he doesn't include me in his plans a whole lot. He is 22 and I am 20, and it seems to me that he is a little more into hanging out with the guys. The main reason I think that I am so insecure and down in the dumps tonight, is that when I was with him yesterday, he said that he at one time was dating two girls at once. Neither of the girls being me, but what if that is going on now? He goes to the bars with his friends, and I am sure that girls talk to him, and he I'm sure talks back. I am just trying to give him his space, so that he won't feel the need to date anyone else, but maybe what I am doing is the opposite. I'm sorry that I have rambled on I just had to tell someone anyone about what I am feeling. If anyone has some advice I would greatly appreciate it.

[Tony T]

Your problem is you're way too nice. Another problem is you are way too available...I mean all this dude would have to do is snap his fingers and you would be on a plane to China to see him if that's where is was. You have got to turn this around. Stop thinking about him so much. Get other things in your life.

 

So he likes to be with his friends a lot, does he? Well, you have got to start being busy with other things and not so available to him. You have got to gain a lot more confidence than you have. I mean you can have any guy in the world wrapped around your little finger if you just play hard to get, be a challenge, be aloof. The less you seem to care, the more guys will be after you.

 

Look at your case now. Your guy is a bit indifferent, unavailable to you, and aloof and you are going ballistic. Turn it around on him.

 

When he calls, don't answer the phone. Then return his calls a day later. Make him know you have got a life besides him. Do this for a while and I promise you will have him eating out of your hand. I just hope for your sake he doesn't slobber too much.

[Tony T]

You call yourself veruca. When I lived in England, I got this terrible viral thing on the bottom of both of my feet...awful painful, I could hardly walk. Doctors called it veruca. You wouldn't be named after that, would you? It's some kind of virus they have to either cut out, burn out or use a poltice to draw out.

 

I guess it's better to be a pain in the foot than a pain in the elsewhere.

 

Maybe your boyfriend had the same thing at one time. Maybe you ought to use your middle name around him.

[Anastasia]

Hi Veruca,

 

Three pieces of wisdom I have learnt and would like to pass on to you. One - Actions always speak louder than words. Two - When someone shows you AND tells you who they are, believe them the first time. Three - Never try to change a man, change YOURSELF.

 

Sweetie, ask yourself: What do you want in a relationship? What are you willing to settle for? What are you worth? From what you've said, I'm sure you don't want to be in a relationship with a guy who merely 'cares' for you. You want more, you deserve more, I really feel this is not the guy who is willing and able to give you that.

 

You are perceptive enough to have realised that his not needing to spend time with you, his lack of including you in his plans, his lack of communication - his actions are speaking volumes louder than his words of 'I love you'. Talk really is cheap. People who geniunely love do not act like this. So you are left with him caring, is that all you want? Ask yourself 'what does he do that makes me feel he cares'?

 

I agree with Mr Tony in principal, focus on yourself, get your confidence back, love YOURSELF, you are worthy of all you desire from love.

 

As far as Tony's logic, his reasons for suggesting you focus on yourself, totally disregard them please. It's men like him who create the type of relationships that are based on playing games, mind games. Sorry Tony but I can only feel compassion for you, is this the only way you know how to get your wants and needs met in an intimate relationship? How much integrity is there in your relationships, not much I suspect.

 

This sort of advice is based on control, it breeds co-dependency: "just play hard to get, be a challenge, be aloof. The less you seem to care, the more guys will be after you. Turn it around on him. When he calls, don't answer the phone. Then return his calls a day later. Do this for a while and I promise you will have him eating out of your hand" I don't know about you but I stopped playing games like this when I was in primary school.

 

Tony have you ever heard of communication? One can only ever have true intimacy with another if they are willing to be vulnerable to another. Talk to him Veruca, ask for what you need and want from him, from the relationship. If it's not where he's at, at least you'll be able to make the best choice for yourself one way or the other based on the truth - not some sort of game based on control.

 

Sorry for the tone Veruca but Tony's childish comments got me a bit riled up. Geez, see how SOME men think! Hope this helps if not tell me to get stuffed!

 

Hugs

[Becky]

Your problem is you're way too nice. Another problem is you are way too available...I mean all this dude would have to do is snap his fingers and you would be on a plane to China to see him if that's where is was. You have got to turn this around. Stop thinking about him so much. Get other things in your life. So he likes to be with his friends a lot, does he? Well, you have got to start being busy with other things and not so available to him. You have got to gain a lot more confidence than you have. I mean you can have any guy in the world wrapped around your little finger if you just play hard to get, be a challenge, be aloof. The less you seem to care, the more guys will be after you. Look at your case now. Your guy is a bit indifferent, unavailable to you, and aloof and you are going ballistic. Turn it around on him.

 

When he calls, don't answer the phone. Then return his calls a day later. Make him know you have got a life besides him. Do this for a while and I promise you will have him eating out of your hand. I just hope for your sake he doesn't slobber too much. I agree that you are way too availabe.. and you need to get some self confidence...if I can be of any help to you I want to tell you my situation...I was dating this guy for 13 years and he did all that you are saying your guy is doing to you....I was always there when he wanted I cleaned his apartment, I took care of his laundry for him and he took so advantage of me..he used to go out on the weekend with his friends, I would sit by the phone and wait...he would call me during the week and at night we would stay out real late, at the time I worked in NYC and had to get up for work the next day....then I found out he was playing with another girl on the weekend and I was devastated but still totally in love with him..I chased him all over the world until I got him..now I am married to him...11 years...we have been separated three times already and have two children who he does not love unconditionally...we are now on the brink of splitting up again....my advice, you are special and do not wait around for any guy, girl....you go out and find an outlet of friends and have fun and he will see you have a life...my husband won't let me have a life...he gives me nothing unless I beg now...do not do this to yourself....you do not need him that much..take it from someone who has been there and wished she wasnt...

[veruca]

well thanks everyone for your advice. I really want him to WANT to spend more time with me, I WANT him to love me like he says that he does. He has been the same way since we got together that is he now. Before we got together he chased me around, and I played hard to get, and everntually I decided to go on a date with him. He is the sweetest guy that i have ever dated. I am still a virgin, and he unlike other guys hasn't pressured me at all. I really think that I am in love with him, and possibly it is only because he is a somewhat challenge for me. I guess you can't change a person, so either I have to deal with his indecisiveness or I can leave. One of our mutual friends told me that "He doesn't want to lose me, and he isn't afraid of me leaving him" So I actually think I am going to play hard to get like Tony said. Afterall it worked when I did it before, he was eating out of my hand. Thanks again for the advice. Oh and by the way, I chose Veruca because Veruca Salt is my favorite band.

[Juds]

veruca salt was the bitchy little girl in the old children's classic movie "willy wonka"

 

just a bit of useless trivia

[Anastasia]

I wonder if you actually listen to yourself? It appears as if you are having a hard time seeing that this guy is after the thrill of the chase, once he's got you he's not interested! "BEFORE we got together he chased me around".

 

You can see reality but are still wanting to change him! You are trying to get something from him which he is unable to give, never has, never will. Listen to yourself: "He has been the same way since we got together that is he now". You want him to change to this "I really want him to WANT to spend more time with me, I WANT him to love me like he says that he does".

 

You guys are playing games, control games. This isn't LOVE!

 

"He doesn't want to lose me, (ask yourself why not? what exactly doesn't he want to lose - I suspect he doesn't want to lose knowing that you want him so bad) "he isn't afraid of me leaving him" (of course he's not, he'll chase someone else and when he knows he's got them he'll not be interested, again) This is pure ego.

 

Does it sound like love when someone says these two contradictions in the same sentence? "He doesn't want to lose me, and he isn't afraid of me leaving him"

 

I really think you two deserve each other! This is grade schoold stuff, cat and mouse. He chases you, you play hard to get. You give in, he stops chasing, shows not interest. Now you wanna go back to the beginning, you're gonna play hard to get, again, he'll chase you, again, he'll stop chasing when you give in, he'll show no interest, again! Do you really think anything's gonna be different this time round???!!!!

 

Good luck!