it is just difficult

[therhythm]

Hello all, I am new here and I am in need of some serious help. I would appreciate all the points of view because I am a bit of a mess right now.

 

For many years I have worked as stripper and escort, I finished with that life three years ago and now I work as a Hapkido and Taekwondo teacher in a gym and as a dance teacher in a dance club.

 

Around sixteen months ago I met my girlfriend and when I saw that things were getting serious between the two of us I told her everything about my past as I didn't want to misrepresent myself. (I am who I am and whoever wants to be with me needs to accept me exactly as I am). I am not ashamed or remorseful for my past as it is what has leaded me to become the amazing person I am now.

 

She assured me that my past was not a problem for her as long as she was the only one in my future, you would never get to understand how much I liked that answer because I have been often harshly judged because of my sexual past.

 

We moved forward, she turned to be a great person, fun, intelligent and although she was quite inexperienced sexually speaking (I was her third lover ever) she was great sex! I really considered myself the most fortunate man in the world till two months ago when she got a phone call while she was in the shower:mad: and I took her telephone to try to get the phone call. I was too late but while having her telephone in my hand I saw a message from one of her ex-boyfriends with a very sexual content. I opened the phone and I began to read her messages and I was shocked, she had been cheating on me for the last six months not only with her boyfriends but with other guys I don’t even know too and I have never had the smallest suspicion about it. I feel so stupid now!

 

When she got out of the shower I confronted her about it and she then tells me that I am no one to judge her because I had sex with hundreds of women before I met her. I could not believe what she was just telling me! Of course I have had sex with many women but I was single when I did it, I didn’t have a commitment, how could she think that because I had sex with other women in the past she could have free pass to have as much sex as she wanted with other men when in a relationship with me?

 

We had a very civilized discussion about the situation, honestly I was in shook because we had sex almost every day (sometimes more than once a day) and I could not understand why she would feel compelled to look for sex with other people… She told me she felt she had missed out because I had sex with so many women and she had only had sex with three men and she wanted to have more experiences.

 

I decided she is not the kind of person I want to share my life with and moved on, she still calls me often and ask me to give her a second opportunity, I really loved her but I don’t think I can pass the idea that she lied to me for six months without any kind of shame, she is not the person I thought she was and I have no intention to expend time with people who have no problem on being dishonest with me. It is not even about her having sex with other people, I know better than being insecure about sex... If she would have let me know about her insecurities I would have arranged a MFM threesome or some similar arrangement, I am totally open to new enjoyable experiences, but I can't forgive people who are not honest with me, that is beyond all my limits.

 

Two days ago I was talking with a (female) friend of mine and she told me I should look for women who have had already they share of sex too to avoid this kind of situations and that I should accept that women with low count will always feel bad with a man like me. This creates a new question for me.

 

Do I need to look for women who have had a similar past than me and dismiss the ones with less experience because they may not be able to handle my past? I don’t know but I always thought I would get in love with a person and not with the number of times she has had a penis in her vagina..

 

Or do I just lie about my past? It goes against my core values but maybe I should be more opaque or vague about it?

 

What do you folks think about it?

Edited May 10, 2013 by therhythm

[Tinie]

What your friend said is crap. If you feel comfortable opening up about your past, that's hardly a girl's ticket to skrewing half the continent behind your back.

 

You history is not what made this girl lying, unworthy scum. She was already lying, unworthy scum to begin with. If she cared about you the way a proper girlfriend would, she would not have done the things she did. Give her the middle finger salute and to hell with her. You are absolutely right- the perfect person will accept you exactly as you are- whatever your history, faults, flaws, etc.

[Maggotface]

Someones sexual past will hardly affect their charactor, in a perfect world everyone would be their partners one and only but that's the reality of it and a persons past is their own. You were open, honest, and trusting in this woman so she would know the person she was with and she did not reciprocate. It sounds like you havent seriously dated much and I'm sorry you commited to such a horrible person, I wouldnt look for a person with a certain sexual background and don't doubt the next girl because of this ones actions, everyone deserves a clean slate.

[Darren Steez]

I agree with Tiny, what your female friend said was just nonsense.

 

So are you going to ask the next woman you're interested.."Oh by the way how many guys have you slept with? Oh two, well I'm sorry we'll have to cut this date short you haven't slept with enough men to qualify to be with me, when you get to 30 men give me a call.."

 

You ex cheated on you because she had no respect for you, very simple. Any excuse that comes out her mouth is utter bull..and the fact that after you confronted her she was so unremorseful says it all, it actually seems like she had some resentment towards you..but anyway.

 

Just date a good woman, her men score card doesnt matter, only that you treat each other with respect.

[road]

I agree with Tiny, what your female friend said was just nonsense.

 

So are you going to ask the next woman you're interested.."Oh by the way how many guys have you slept with? Oh two, well I'm sorry we'll have to cut this date short you haven't slept with enough men to qualify to be with me, when you get to 30 men give me a call.."

 

 

Just date a good woman, her men score card doesnt matter, only that you treat each other with respect.

 

 

On the money.

 

You were right to dump her. Not for banging a bus load of guys. For cheating.

 

Now I ask you OP, when you were "working" did you work over any married women?

 

The answer is yes then you are the kettle calling the pot black. Your problem is that you do not see the difference with sleeping around a lot of people for fun as part of being young and doing it as a profession.

[therhythm]

thank you guys, I totally agree with you, I just need to find the right person and while I have quite some experience when it comes to sex I find the dating/relationship world extremely complicated and my lack of experience is making me very insecure.

 

Thank you for your words, I actually got very confused when my friend told me that I should look for more experienced women if I didn't want to face this kind of situations again. It just made some kind of weird sense when she said it and made me wonder. Here it is when other peoples input is really helpful to get things in perspective!

[TaraMaiden]

OP, in addition to what everyone here has said, which I'm in agreement with, you really should implement complete No Contact with Little Miss ex-hussy.

 

She crapped on you from a great height.

 

Her core values were messed up to begin with.

She is not the kind of person you need to keep in touch with, nor is she good for you at all.

 

Cut off all and any contact, refuse her calls, block her and delete her completely.

I would suggest that you change your 'phone number too.

 

It really isn't difficult, and it would be a wise move, too....

[therhythm]

On the money.

 

You were right to dump her. Not for banging a bus load of guys. For cheating.

 

Now I ask you OP, when you were "working" did you work over any married women?

 

The answer is yes then you are the kettle calling the pot black. Your problem is that you do not see the difference with sleeping around a lot of people for fun as part of being young and doing it as a profession.

 

Dear Road, I never asked the women who requested my service if they were married or not, it was non of my business (it is hers and her husband business). All what I did was agree on the terms (health, price and services requested and to make sure that she was somehow attractive... I have never slept with a woman I found unattractive).

 

For the same reasons I do not blame the guys who banged my ex girlfriend, most of them don't even know me and after all it is not their business, they show an opportunity and they took it. My girlfriend for the other side had a commitment with me. I can see how you may think in a different way but I am sorry I just don't agree with you there. Lets agree we disagree!

[therhythm]

OP, in addition to what everyone here has said, which I'm in agreement with, you really should implement complete No Contact with Little Miss ex-hussy.

 

She crapped on you from a great height.

 

Her core values were messed up to begin with.

She is not the kind of person you need to keep in touch with, nor is she good for you at all.

 

Cut off all and any contact, refuse her calls, block her and delete her completely.

I would suggest that you change your 'phone number too.

 

It really isn't difficult, and it would be a wise move, too....

 

Yes NC would be ideal but she is a customer of the gym I work for, that makes it complicated. Anyway she knows I have no further interest on her, she had her chance and she blew it!

[TaraMaiden]

No, it's not complicated at all... though I totally understand why you think it might be....

 

The fact you speak with her, gives her the impression that there's still some interest on your part, there, a level of commitment to the situation which you're happy to engage with. While you speak with her, you still feed something within her.... you're interested enough, so you must still have feelings for her, right....?

 

The NC guide in my signature was originated by a guy who actually worked with his ex, (Who dumped him) in the same building, for the same company - although in different departments. Their days and work projects crossed occasionally.

 

When they met, he point-blank refused to discuss anything to do with them personally or emotionally.

he kept eye-contact to an absolute minimum and maintained all conversation with her in work-mode alone, as monosyllabically as he could.

he never engaged her in discussion - and when she spoke to him on business matters he was courteous, brief and to the point. If she tried to engage with him on a personal level, he actually rose and walked away from the discussion, without a word.

 

She 'got it' very quickly...Not only was this well and truly over, she was completely out of his life and 'persona non grata'.....

 

She didn't figure one bit.

Edited May 11, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[therhythm]

No, it's not complicated at all... though I totally understand why you think it might be....

 

The fact you speak with her, gives her the impression that there's still some interest on your part, there, a level of commitment to the situation which you're happy to engage with. While you speak with her, you still feed something within her.... you're interested enough, so you must still have feelings for her, right....?

 

The NC guide in my signature was originated by a guy who actually worked with his ex, (Who dumped him) in the same building, for the same company - although in different departments. Their days and work projects crossed occasionally.

 

When they met, he point-blank refused to discuss anything to do with them personally or emotionally.

he kept eye-contact to an absolute minimum and maintained all conversation with her in work-mode alone, as monosyllabically as he could.

he never engaged her in discussion - and when she spoke to him on business matters he was courteous, brief and to the point. If she tried to engage with him on a personal level, he actually rose and walked away from the discussion, without a word.

 

She 'got it' very quickly...Not only was this well and truly over, she was completely out of his life and 'persona non grata'.....

 

She didn't figure one bit.

 

Thank you TaraMaiden, it is indeed a very interesting read. I will definitely adhere to it!

[road]

Dear Road, I never asked the women who requested my service if they were married or not, it was non of my business (it is hers and her husband business). All what I did was agree on the terms (health, price and services requested and to make sure that she was somehow attractive... I have never slept with a woman I found unattractive).

 

For the same reasons I do not blame the guys who banged my ex girlfriend, most of them don't even know me and after all it is not their business, they show an opportunity and they took it. My girlfriend for the other side had a commitment with me. I can see how you may think in a different way but I am sorry I just don't agree with you there. Lets agree we disagree!

 

 

Chosing to ignore the possibility and not find out if they were married first puts you in the wrong. You put yourself into some BH's marriage. Most likely many times.

 

Even a pawn dealer asks how did you get this to prevent the buying of stolen goods.

 

He does not keep his mouth shut? No he asks to be above board. Those that do not ask are breaking the law and fencing stolen goods.

 

You were a thief in the night and are still proud of it. Just by the way you had to announce that you did not do any ugly ones. It did matter to the BH's affected.

 

You had no respect for other peoples relatioships yet you demand respect in your own. Hypocritical.

Edited May 11, 2013 by road

[Leila30]

Ugh

Road

"Even a pawn dealer asks how did you get this to prevent the buying of stolen goods."

This is goods you are talking about

 

If i called in at a private doctors with a problem he would need to know beforehand if i was married.

 

OP has said he has worked as a stripper,should they be vetting all the people to see if they are involved with other people before letting them through.

He had a relationship with this lady based on honesty and being monogamous and thats why he was hurt.

[therhythm]

Chosing to ignore the possibility and not find out if they were married first puts you in the wrong. You put yourself into some BH's marriage. Most likely many times.

 

Even a pawn dealer asks how did you get this to prevent the buying of stolen goods.

 

He does not keep his mouth shut? No he asks to be above board. Those that do not ask are breaking the law and fencing stolen goods.

 

You were a thief in the night and are still proud of it. Just by the way you had to announce that you did not do any ugly ones. It did matter to the BH's affected.

 

You had no respect for other peoples relationships yet you demand respect in your own. Hypocritical.

 

As I said before, lets agree we disagree...

Stealing is a crime and pawn dealer can get in trouble with the law if they get caught selling stolen items. Infidelity is not a crime (you like it or not).

When I was asked for a service I couldn't care less if the person who asked for me for the service was married or not... I didn't have any kind of commitment with anyone and if someone owed something to someone was the one who was requesting the service and not me.

We could of course discuss the morality of having sex with someone married but as you probably have noticed already since I have been pretty clear about it, I was a escort (a prostitute if you like better the word) so I don't do moral the same way most of you people do. I have my own values and they are different than yours, no better no worse, just different.

 

When it comes to my own relationship, my girlfriend had a commitment with me and she broke it, so yes, I do care and she is over. For other side I can't care less about the guys who had sex with her, most of them didn't even know me... I don't blame them so I am not hypocritical. I would not expect any man to pass on having sex with my girlfriend if he can but I would expect my girlfriend to pass on having sex with another person if we have not discussed it previously, she is the one who owes me the respect and commitment she promised to me. I have not promised to anyone I won't sleep with his wife basic and simple difference!

 

By the way, I didn't put myself between the marriage of anyone, all my customers were adults and in proper health and sober state at the moment of the engagement so if they decided to walk from their husband to have a night out is completely on them. Do you think a escort can act as detective with all his customers to see if they are married or not? Sorry but is delusional!

Edited May 11, 2013 by therhythm

[The Shepherd]

I am understanding more and more things, but not necessarily good things. I think we are living in a parallel universe.

 

A sincere thank you, therhythm, for the education.

[therhythm]

I am understanding more and more things, but not necessarily good things. I think we are living in a parallel universe.

 

A sincere thank you, therhythm, for the education.

 

You are very welcome! Happy you got some learning from it (whatever it is!)

[Maleficent]

Wow what a b…I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

first of all, the fact you had sex with tons of women before you were with her does not give her the right to cheat on you now that you are together. If she wanted more experience then she simply should have not gotten into a relationship with you.

 

I don't think you should look for women with the same kind of sexual past as you have. You are right to think you would fall in love with a person and not the number of times she had a penis in her vagina.

 

Don't lie about your past either - these things always find their way out. I want to say that someday you'll meet a woman who will accept your sexual past in spite of her own (or lack of thereof) but I feel this is exactly what you did.

 

You seem like a good man with good values. I really hope you find a woman who will truly accept your sexual past.

[candie13]

I'm smelling a troll, around here .

 

anyway, I'll give it a go:

- it's already hard enough to find someone whom you like and who likes you back, are you serious about putting the nr of sexual partners as a valuable criteria?

 

How many partners a person had is important, so are their previous emotional experience, for they are the result of their past. But who they are today, their behavior today, having common goals, same inner values and acting in a reliable way is supposed to matter more then their past choices and potential mistakes.

 

Someone who's never cheated in their life may cheat on you. Someone who was a serial cheater may fall inlove and be faithful. Amazing what love can do... Frightening what life can do.

 

Nothing else to add... except that it would be a pity not to give love a chance, if you meet someone whom you find appealing. Of course, you would be a fool to ignore their actions and only look at their words.

 

it's just... love is supposed to be easy, simple. If it's not, maybe it's not really love...

[therhythm]

I'm smelling a troll, around here .

 

anyway, I'll give it a go:

- it's already hard enough to find someone whom you like and who likes you back, are you serious about putting the nr of sexual partners as a valuable criteria?

 

How many partners a person had is important, so are their previous emotional experience, for they are the result of their past. But who they are today, their behavior today, having common goals, same inner values and acting in a reliable way is supposed to matter more then their past choices and potential mistakes.

 

Someone who's never cheated in their life may cheat on you. Someone who was a serial cheater may fall inlove and be faithful. Amazing what love can do... Frightening what life can do.

 

Nothing else to add... except that it would be a pity not to give love a chance, if you meet someone whom you find appealing. Of course, you would be a fool to ignore their actions and only look at their words.

 

it's just... love is supposed to be easy, simple. If it's not, maybe it's not really love...

 

Thank you for your input, I actually agree with most of what you have said besides the fact that I would not want a relationship with someone who has a story cheating on her partners (but if I am in love of her probably I would give it a try).

I don't know how you may have the feeling or "smell" that I may be a troll (I am definitely not that ugly!)... no seriously, this is me and my story...

[therhythm]

Wow what a b…I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

first of all, the fact you had sex with tons of women before you were with her does not give her the right to cheat on you now that you are together. If she wanted more experience then she simply should have not gotten into a relationship with you.

 

I don't think you should look for women with the same kind of sexual past as you have. You are right to think you would fall in love with a person and not the number of times she had a penis in her vagina.

 

Don't lie about your past either - these things always find their way out. I want to say that someday you'll meet a woman who will accept your sexual past in spite of her own (or lack of thereof) but I feel this is exactly what you did.

 

You seem like a good man with good values. I really hope you find a woman who will truly accept your sexual past.

 

Thank you for the great advises! Noted!

 

I agree totally with your point of view, it is refreshing to see I am not crazy! I guess this time my friend was really wrong! She usually is on the spot with relationship advises but this time I think she just got it all wrong.

[BetheButterfly]

Do I need to look for women who have had a similar past than me and dismiss the ones with less experience because they may not be able to handle my past? I don’t know but I always thought I would get in love with a person and not with the number of times she has had a penis in her vagina..

 

Or do I just lie about my past? It goes against my core values but maybe I should be more opaque or vague about it?

 

What do you folks think about it?

 

No, I don't think you should lie about your past. It is sad that she cheated on you and it is not your fault that she cheated on you. It is her own decision that she made.

 

I think you should ask the next person you are interested in having a relationship with concerning if they want more sexual experience.

 

My husband has a lot more sexual experience than I do. He was not an escort and never went to an escort, but he did have many girlfriends. I didn't, but I don't want more sexual experience without him!

 

I think it's really important that if faithfulness is important to you for a mate, to find a woman who decides that BEING faithful is important to her, and that she wants to enjoy sexual experiences with you and not with other people.

[therhythm]

No, I don't think you should lie about your past. It is sad that she cheated on you and it is not your fault that she cheated on you. It is her own decision that she made.

 

I think you should ask the next person you are interested in having a relationship with concerning if they want more sexual experience.

 

My husband has a lot more sexual experience than I do. He was not an escort and never went to an escort, but he did have many girlfriends. I didn't, but I don't want more sexual experience without him!

 

I think it's really important that if faithfulness is important to you for a mate, to find a woman who decides that BEING faithful is important to her, and that she wants to enjoy sexual experiences with you and not with other people.

 

Thank you! I really don't think it has to do with the sexual experience but with the fact that she felt resentment against me because of my past. I was honest with her, she should have just not begun the relationship with me if she felt so strongly about this concrete fact.

 

She sent me a text (I don't know how she got my new telephone number, I changed just to avoid receiving her messages and phone calls:confused:) asking me if I wanted to remind fwb with her:mad:

In the 10 years I worked as escort I never felt as used as I felt when I saw that message!