Best friend too comfortable with my husband?

[prettymagnificent]

Ok, so here's my situation. Sorry for the long story:(. My best friend and I have been friends for over 14yrs. My husband and I have been married for 1 yr 4 1/2 months, but together for almost 5. We hang out with my best friend and her husband pretty often. We're like family. We hang out a lot, so they've all gotten really close. My husband, and her husband are like best friends almost. My best friend invited my husband to join her, among others, in this challenge event called Tough Mudder. I am pregnant, so of course I couldn't be apart of it this yr. My husband agreed, and eventually they decided they should train together to prepare. The others that were apart of it decided not to do it, so it would just be my husband and her. I didn't see it as an issue at that time because I trust them both, but then my friend started making me feel a little uncomfortable. She went out of town the week after they decided to train together, and started texting and calling my husband directly. It was innocent and about the workout they had put together, but she texted him one night after 11pm. I felt that although she didn't mean any harm, the time was inappropriate. The day b4 that, she had called him and they talked on the phone for over 20min. Usually, if she needed his help or wanted him to be apart of something, she would just call me and have me tell him. Now she's calling him and texting him directly. Made me feel uneasy. She texted him everyday that week, and once she made it back home, she texted him that day, and later that night at 12:08am. This was over 3 weeks ago. I didn't find out about that until a few days ago. Once she was back home from out of town, they trained at the least 3-4x per week. I talked with my husband about how her texting made me uneasy, so he wanted to call the whole thing off. I didn't want to push him from doing something he was looking forward to (tough mudder), so we decided that I should come with them when they train. That didn't really help because they jogged together for 5 miles around this park, so that left me walking by myself or sitting in the car. Trying to be a supportive wife, although I wasn't feeling too comfortable with their communicating, and now training together, I still tried to be ok with it. Then, my best friend started getting obsessive with the training, and would text him every morning really early, just to see if he was running that day. He works during the day, and has a night job 4 nights out of the week, so he's usually not up during the early morning during those times. If she didn't hear from him, she would text him multiple times, and call throughout the day. As this kept happening for the past 2 weeks, I got really angry about it and felt a need to talk with her about how uncomfortable she was making me. Talked with her today, and she mentioned how she looks at us as family, and didn't think about it as being inappropriate to call and text him like she did, but she did admit that she can be obsessive at times. She said that because I feel that she should've just contacted me if she wanted to know if he was working out that day, made it seem like I didn't look at her as family. I do look at her as family, and she looks at my husband as a brother she says, but I feel that it's a certain line that shouldn't be crossed when dealing with a friend's husband/wife. What really started my discomfort was when she was calling and texted him late while she was out of town. She apologized for making me uncomfortable and felt bad, to a point where she was in tears, but she feels that if I looked at her as family, I wouldn't have gotten upset, or felt that she shouldn't contact my husband. In my opinion, family or not, I still feel like when a woman is dealing with their friend's husband, or family member's husband, they should still do it in a respectful way. It hurt me that she didn't ask if I was comfortable with her contacting him like that b4 she just decided it was ok. We made up, but she still feels hurt about me having those boundaries, and I feel hurt that she doesn't understand that me having boundaries doesn't mean I don't love her as family, it is just a level of respect I expect. I never call or text her husband for anything, and I look at him as a brother as well. Should I have been ok with her calling and texting my husband even though it was innocent?

[KathyM]

I think she did cross boundaries with your husband and you were right to call her out on that. Sometimes these things that start out innocently can turn into something major. Spending a significant time alone one-on-one between a man and woman can encourage a level of self disclosure and emotional intimacy that can lead to romantic feelings, and you were right to be uncomfortable with that. I would suggest that you tell your girlfriend that, although you trust her, you don't feel it's appropriate to be spending so much time alone with your husband or calling him directly, and so you both feel it would be best if he trains alone until the race. (Be sure to discuss this with your husband before talking to your friend to make sure you are on the same page with him on this). You are right to be concerned, and to recognize that this was a boundary violation, and put a stop to it. Now go the extra mile and establish the boundary that the training for your husband will be on his own.

[prettymagnificent]

Thanks Kathy for responding! I kind of expected her not to get it at first because she's so happy go lucky and oblivious to a lot of things that would be normal protocol to others. I talked with my husband and we decided he should just train alone. I was thinking the same thing about how spending enough alone time with another man could spark up feelings subconsciously without those actual intentions. I didn't bring that up with her because I honestly don't think she'd take that in a good way and assume that I think she wants my husband or something lol. We are all human, and although their intentions are innocent, it could definitely have potential for something more if nothing is done about it. She loves her husband, but he doesn't like what she likes a lot of the time, that's why he isn't participating in the event. She mentioned that she wouldn't feel that way towards me if her husband and I were communicating often because I'm like family to her. She also mentioned that her brother's wife and her husband both wanted to see the last twilight movie, and had planned to go see it together and she didn't have a problem with it because she's her sister now. I told her I don't operate like that. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the movies with her husband. It just doesn't seem right to me. I just think they're way different than a lot of people.

[KathyM]

Loose boundaries can lead to trouble, and even if there is no intent in the beginning, feelings can develop if the boundaries are not established and enforced. So you did the right thing in recognizing that this was not O.K. and putting a stop to it.

[CC12]

Ok, so here's my situation. Sorry for the long story:(. My best friend and I have been friends for over 14yrs. My husband and I have been married for 1 yr 4 1/2 months, but together for almost 5. We hang out with my best friend and her husband pretty often. We're like family. We hang out a lot, so they've all gotten really close. My husband, and her husband are like best friends almost.

 

My best friend invited my husband to join her, among others, in this challenge event called Tough Mudder. I am pregnant, so of course I couldn't be apart of it this yr. My husband agreed, and eventually they decided they should train together to prepare. The others that were apart of it decided not to do it, so it would just be my husband and her.

 

I didn't see it as an issue at that time because I trust them both, but then my friend started making me feel a little uncomfortable. She went out of town the week after they decided to train together, and started texting and calling my husband directly. It was innocent and about the workout they had put together, but she texted him one night after 11pm. I felt that although she didn't mean any harm, the time was inappropriate.

 

The day b4 that, she had called him and they talked on the phone for over 20min. Usually, if she needed his help or wanted him to be apart of something, she would just call me and have me tell him. Now she's calling him and texting him directly. Made me feel uneasy. She texted him everyday that week, and once she made it back home, she texted him that day, and later that night at 12:08am. This was over 3 weeks ago. I didn't find out about that until a few days ago.

 

Once she was back home from out of town, they trained at the least 3-4x per week. I talked with my husband about how her texting made me uneasy, so he wanted to call the whole thing off. I didn't want to push him from doing something he was looking forward to (tough mudder), so we decided that I should come with them when they train. That didn't really help because they jogged together for 5 miles around this park, so that left me walking by myself or sitting in the car.

 

Trying to be a supportive wife, although I wasn't feeling too comfortable with their communicating, and now training together, I still tried to be ok with it. Then, my best friend started getting obsessive with the training, and would text him every morning really early, just to see if he was running that day. He works during the day, and has a night job 4 nights out of the week, so he's usually not up during the early morning during those times. If she didn't hear from him, she would text him multiple times, and call throughout the day. As this kept happening for the past 2 weeks, I got really angry about it and felt a need to talk with her about how uncomfortable she was making me.

 

Talked with her today, and she mentioned how she looks at us as family, and didn't think about it as being inappropriate to call and text him like she did, but she did admit that she can be obsessive at times. She said that because I feel that she should've just contacted me if she wanted to know if he was working out that day, made it seem like I didn't look at her as family.

 

I do look at her as family, and she looks at my husband as a brother she says, but I feel that it's a certain line that shouldn't be crossed when dealing with a friend's husband/wife. What really started my discomfort was when she was calling and texted him late while she was out of town. She apologized for making me uncomfortable and felt bad, to a point where she was in tears, but she feels that if I looked at her as family, I wouldn't have gotten upset, or felt that she shouldn't contact my husband. In my opinion, family or not, I still feel like when a woman is dealing with their friend's husband, or family member's husband, they should still do it in a respectful way.

 

It hurt me that she didn't ask if I was comfortable with her contacting him like that b4 she just decided it was ok. We made up, but she still feels hurt about me having those boundaries, and I feel hurt that she doesn't understand that me having boundaries doesn't mean I don't love her as family, it is just a level of respect I expect. I never call or text her husband for anything, and I look at him as a brother as well. Should I have been ok with her calling and texting my husband even though it was innocent?

 

I edited your post to add some paragraphs in there to make it easier for people to read and respond to.

 

 

 

I think you're being a little possessive. I mean, the persistent texts and calls at inappropriate times is understandably annoying, but that could be easily solved by your husband just being like, "Hey, friend, I can't take texts or calls outside the hours of 9am and 9pm, and if I don't answer the first time, don't worry, I'll get back to you when I can."

 

From what I know about the Tough Mudder, a big part of it is about getting together to get through this really difficult physical challenge alongside others, cheering each other on and helping each other. (Just checked their website, and yeah, they use the word "camaraderie" in the description so that's a big part of it.) So I would expect people to train together for it. That's part of the fun.

 

I think the idea that spending all this time together might spark feelings between them shows a lack of trust in both of them. You shouldn't feel the need to supervise them. It's your best friend and your husband. You guys are all close already. This is a healthy (temporary!) hobby that you should allow them to participate in without you.

 

Also I think that your best friend is right to feel hurt that you had to have a sit-down with her about this. It really implied that you have some not so nice opinions of her, whether that's true or not. I'm not going to say you should apologize, because you told her how you feel and if you did it nicely, then I guess there's nothing to apologize for, but I do think you should take the initiative to smooth things over with her. You know she didn't mean any harm. Try to make sure she's not still feeling like **** over all this.

Edited May 11, 2013 by CC12

[ComingInHot]

prettymagnificant, I'm impressed.

I was both trusting AND naive. Then my H cheated.

Now I am trusting BUT I'm No longer naive OR stupid.

One on one time w/the opposite sex no matter how innocent, platonic or "professional" is a recipe for disaster, if firm boundaries are not in place w/great respect for one's marital status.

It sounds like You are Already what I had to become. GOOD! And you're Not afraid to speak up to set boundaries not currently in place or public knowledge to all associated with you, your H or the M.

 

Stick to your guns on this! If she really is your BFF and like "family" to you and friends of the M, she Will Respect Your wishes and the new boundaries put in place*

 

FYI, I have never texted my own brothers late at night (even when having had a few cocktails) unless it was an Emergency. And they're MY family!

Neither have I called or texted my BFFS's H's unless FIRST informing my BFF's "why" & "when". And we trust each other Totally, 100%!

It's just a Respect thing and maintaining our BFF relationships as well as "friend of the M" status.

 

When you speak to your H about this, o you feel you get his agreement & enthusiastic support?

If at ANY time he tries to blow it off as no big deal, not address the topic to find an amicable "middle" ground, or gets curt & uptight (even angry), it may be time to just "vetify" in detail, the communications between the two of them.

 

Ie; innocently and for peace of mind, check HIS phone logs, review texts incoming/outgoing (if you find the texts between them deleted but not others = red flag) as well as the dell phone bill.

 

Please know this is coming from a good place. Know that this is recommended if H is Not giving you peace about the stitch (extreming from all in or all out).

Like I said, I trust my H BUT I'm not stupid. Anymore*

[candie13]

well, I've always though it was better to prevent than cheat.

 

You did well to confront her over smth you were not comfortable with. You can always blame it on your hormones, later on !

[prettymagnificent]

ComingInHot, thank you so much on your insight! It was hard to bring it up to her because she's my best friend, and she's pretty timid and emotional herself, so I didn't want to in any way hurt her feelings, but I felt that as my friend, it should be certain things that need to be addressed. My husband understood how it could be uncomfortable for me, but he's so stuck on reaching the goal, and having that teammate for motivation, he didn't really see it as a big deal because he felt that it was innocent. What I explained to him was that it was indeed innocent, but the way it was done was on the inappropriate side, and if the two of them wanted me to be 100% comfortable with the whole thing, I feel that they should've at least asked me if I was ok with this or ok with that b4 she just got comfortable associating with him in a way that she's never done b4. I don't look at it as being possessive, I just don't operate the way she does, and I view certain things as a level of respect. I don't call or text her husband, and I told her that although I look at her husband as family as well, I would never go to the movies with him alone. I wouldn't be comfortable with that. It just seems like it's too much! My husband was the one that said we should all sit down and he would tell her that if she needs to contact him about training, she should just call me, and if he needs to contact her, he'll call her husband. I mentioned if it was the other way around, he wouldn't be comfortable just as I am not. He said for him, he wouldn't be comfortable because his friends are "hoes..". He has a friend that he trusts, but one day he was at our house drunk, and he kept saying inappropriate things to me in reference to him being my second husband. He is a really silly guy, and he was drunk, but my husband still spoke with him the next day about it. At one point, my husband mentioned he wouldn't care if I went to work out with my best friend's husband. I said, "You guys are really weird lol. I don't need to workout with him. I just don't see a necessity in us being THAT close." I know my husband, he says he wouldn't feel uncomfortable, but after while, he would, just like I did. I just think that it's certain protocol, or certain things that you just don't do, and calling/texting someone's husband/wife whenever you want is one of those things. It's not about trust, it's about respect. Just because you trust someone, doesn't mean they have the right to compromise that trust, and get too comfortable. OH, and trust me, I checked the text and call log lol. He would mention to me that it was her texting or calling when she did, and would tell me what she said, but if they felt comfortable to text each other, I felt comfortable enough to check what the texts were about and what time. She always texted or called him first. The calls/texts were innocent, but becoming a little too often for something like working out, and the times were inappropriate.

[prettymagnificent]

Candie13 thank you, that's exactly what my other friend told me lol. I'd rather be safe than sorry any day over pretending to be ok with something I'm not. Especially if it's something I wouldn't do to another person. I mentioned that I'm hormonal, and I don't need to feel uncomfortable lol.

[stillafool]

You did the right thing. When it comes to my husband, I don't play.

[whichwayisup]

I think you should talk to her and tell her that it's really bothering you that she is texting your husband so much, especially late at night. There is NO real reason for them to be texting and be this friendly. You have every right to be concerned and upset about this. And DO talk to your husband. Let him know that it's totally inappropriate behaviour for him to be allowing this to happen.

 

Yes, you all are friends, but it's TOO much contact -- Again, especially late at night. WHAT are they talking about?

 

Nip in the bud now and make it perfectly clear to your husband that you are uncomfortable and the texting is to stop. Listen to your gut. Maybe they aren't physically doing anything wrong but they are way too close and probably crossing the lines and having flirty talks that is wrong and could lead to something else.

[jolie_baby]

I agree with the OP; even with family, there should be boundaries, and that is out of respect. I consider my brothers in law as my own brothers, and at the same time I would try not to ca/ text them late or during inappropriate times (of course unless its necessary), out of respect for their wives and for myself.

[Got it]

My husband has run the Tough Mudder twice now. It is definitely a team sport and big on pulling together but that doesn't quite extend to that level of contact. Are there others in the area running it as well that they can make the group bigger? He did it with a group of guy friends but linked up with people at his gym as well. That was coed but their were enough people that it wasn't one on one and the more people the better.

 

Tough Mudder is really about the experience and just competing, not winning, but it is really most amazing when shared with many others. And about 1/2 way it can be every person for themselves depending on fitness level.

 

I have a lot of respect for people who do it, I go and support and think its amazing (and unbelievably crazy) but is still not an excuse for that much involvement. Your relationship takes priority and I am glad to hear that everyone seems to be in agreement.

[Mr. Lucky]

He works during the day, and has a night job 4 nights out of the week, so he's usually not up during the early morning during those times.

If he has a day job and also works 4 nights a week, how many hours does this training schedule leave him to spend with his pregnant wife ??? Seems to me the kind of activity you table until the baby is born and things get back into a routine. And shame on your friend for not recognizing this on her own...

 

Mr. Lucky

[annaballerina]

I had something kind of similiar happen. A friend of mine was texting my hubby but I knew she had his text because initially I didn't have it on my phone plan so I gave her his and he would show me her texts for me. After I got my plan she would still text him but not as much.

Anyways she would do things that would irritate me like show my hubby extra attention, build him up and laugh a lot at things he'd say. I felt very insecure about it and uncomfortable. Then I'd feel guilty feeling that way. The insecurity stemmed from the fact we weren't close and had no sex life together. I try to do a lot of those things too but it bothered me that she would do this. It just felt off. Were still friends but don't see as much of each other.

Anyways I think you did the right thing! Pat yourself on the back most women wouldn't feel secure having their hubby and friend doing something like this together.

[prettymagnificent]

Are there others in the area running it as well that they can make the group bigger?

 

No, not anymore. There were supposed to be 4 of them together, but the other 2 couldn't participate, so that's when my friend suggested they train together to stay on top of training. Seeing that I'm her friend and he IS my husband, I would've thought she'd talk to me 1st to see how I'd feel about it, but she didn't think it'd be a problem because she wouldn't have a problem with my working out with her husband. She thinks it's weird that I feel this way. I don't understand why she wouldn't feel the same way, family or not! But hey, we're all different I guess. Lol.

[prettymagnificent]

If he has a day job and also works 4 nights a week, how many hours does this training schedule leave him to spend with his pregnant wife ??? Seems to me the kind of activity you table until the baby is born and things get back into a routine. And shame on your friend for not recognizing this on her own...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank You! I asked the same question. And I felt that as a new mother of two, she would've talked to me 1st about if I thought it was a good idea, seeing that he does work a lot and I definitely want as much free time with him I can get before our baby arrives. She made it seem like I was wrong by sarcastically saying she didn't know she had to ask my permission to speak with him or ask him to do something. She took it way more personal than what was meant.

[BeholdtheMan]

I didn't see it as an issue at that time because I trust them both, but then my friend started making me feel a little uncomfortable. She went out of town the week after they decided to train together, and started texting and calling my husband directly. It was innocent and about the workout they had put together, but she texted him one night after 11pm.

This is a recipe for disaster

 

Best friend/spouse affairs always start out seemingly innocent

 

Now she's calling him and texting him directly. Made me feel uneasy.

Would make me feel uneasy too

 

If she didn't hear from him, she would text him multiple times, and call throughout the day. As this kept happening for the past 2 weeks, I got really angry about it and felt a need to talk with her about how uncomfortable she was making me.

Even if she isn't attracted to your husband at all, her behaviour is inappropriate and selfish.

 

she mentioned how she looks at us as family

Yeah...only she's not, she's a friend. She's intruding into your family. You and your husband share a greater bond of intimacy and she's stepping onto it

 

I feel that it's a certain line that shouldn't be crossed when dealing with a friend's husband/wife. What really started my discomfort was when she was calling and texted him late while she was out of town. She apologized for making me uncomfortable and felt bad, to a point where she was in tears, but she feels that if I looked at her as family, I wouldn't have gotten upset, or felt that she shouldn't contact my husband. In my opinion, family or not, I still feel like when a woman is dealing with their friend's husband, or family member's husband, they should still do it in a respectful way. It hurt me that she didn't ask if I was comfortable with her contacting him like that b4 she just decided it was ok. We made up, but she still feels hurt about me having those boundaries

Your boundaries are perfectly reasonable. Don't let her convince you otherwise. She's the one who has a weird concept of boundaries.

 

I never call or text her husband for anything, and I look at him as a brother as well. Should I have been ok with her calling and texting my husband even though it was innocent?

NO! I can almost guarantee you'll regret it if you don't set any boundaries. You have to set priorities. As much as it sucks, your marriage is more important than your friendship. If you had to pick one, it would be your marriage.

 

How is your husband handling all this? Does he seem to enjoy your friend's attention?

 

Would he be OK if you trained 1 on 1 with your friend's husband and spent a lot of time in phone/text conversations with him?

[Got it]

Thank You! I asked the same question. And I felt that as a new mother of two, she would've talked to me 1st about if I thought it was a good idea, seeing that he does work a lot and I definitely want as much free time with him I can get before our baby arrives. She made it seem like I was wrong by sarcastically saying she didn't know she had to ask my permission to speak with him or ask him to do something. She took it way more personal than what was meant.

 

Well I am not sure if I agree with this point as he is a big boy, should know his familial responsibilities and tells her that he is sorry but he is not available. You are not the keeper of him and he needs to make sure that he partnering up with you properly and communicating.

 

Just looking at it on a shallow, no ulterior motive level, she is training for a fairly big athletic competition, she knows someone that is as well, she asks to train with him as they are both in similar training schedules, it is up to him to tell her he is not available.

[prettymagnificent]

Well I am not sure if I agree with this point as he is a big boy, should know his familial responsibilities and tells her that he is sorry but he is not available. You are not the keeper of him and he needs to make sure that he partnering up with you properly and communicating.

 

Just looking at it on a shallow, no ulterior motive level, she is training for a fairly big athletic competition, she knows someone that is as well, she asks to train with him as they are both in similar training schedules, it is up to him to tell her he is not available.

 

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I just felt that because she's ultimately my best friend, and he's my husband, it made more sense for her to call me up and see what I thought about it BEFORE she asked him directly to be apart of something that would be time consuming and just for fun. We talk about almost everything, and usually she contacts me when she needs my husband to do something.

 

My husband is definitely grown and can make grown up decisions on his own, but sometimes he takes on too much without thinking and regret it later lol, so I'd help him remember what he already has on his plate from time to time. In his mind at the time, he said he didn't look at it as a problem because it was innocent until I pointed out what was making me uncomfortable.

[MrWindupBird]

Sounds like she at least has a thing for him.

 

If one of my wife's friends was texting me all the time and calling me at odd hours, or at all, I would immediately know that if I didn't blatantly cut that off, then I'm either A) asking for my wife to be downright furious with me, or B) I'm trying to cover it up because I'm into her friend and want to continue to get more close.

 

Good luck to you.