GreySkyMorning Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 And I'm the trash? I "did and said things he can never forgive"? I treated him horrible? Is this how they justify things to themselves? Two months ago, he did the whole "I love her bit I'm not in love with her". He was going to divorce her. He didn't think they could last another six months. He wanted to be with me. I was "beautiful, sexy, strong, a wonderful mom, etc". But now that dday has happened, I'm a horrible person. I didn't seduce this man. I didn't ask him to love me or to pretend he did. I didn't ask him to do ANY of that! Two months ago, she didn't care whether he was coming or going (so he said). Now, she's the perfect patient loving wife that's standing by his side, while I'm the one that treated him horrible and tried to destroy his life. Wtf? Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 Hi GSM. Can I ask if this thread is because you're still struggling after dday or has he been in contact with you again? Whichever it is, please don't allow him to define you. Let us know what's going on and what's triggering this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 Sorry to hear that he think of you that way. I hope you can stay NC with him. HUGS Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 And I'm the trash? I "did and said things he can never forgive"? I treated him horrible? Is this how they justify things to themselves? Two months ago, he did the whole "I love her bit I'm not in love with her". He was going to divorce her. He didn't think they could last another six months. He wanted to be with me. I was "beautiful, sexy, strong, a wonderful mom, etc". But now that dday has happened, I'm a horrible person. I didn't seduce this man. I didn't ask him to love me or to pretend he did. I didn't ask him to do ANY of that! Two months ago, she didn't care whether he was coming or going (so he said). Now, she's the perfect patient loving wife that's standing by his side, while I'm the one that treated him horrible and tried to destroy his life. Wtf? It sounds like he looks at the world through a black and white lense. In order for one person to be "all good" another one has to be "all bad". You're not trash and if that is how he has to think to survive in his world then let him. Now that you are free it doesn't matter what they think anyway. Focus on you and let them worry about them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 What happened on your D-day? Greyhound, I am so sorry. I feel the same way, like a cast off. It is a horrible way to feel. So many promises are made during an affair. And when the married affair partner goes back to the "other," it isn't just someone, it is his SPOUSE. So he needs to take bold measures, I suppose. I'm in a similar place, so I'm not a good one to give advice. Just take it minute by minute and try and find some way to mentally leave him in your rearview mirror. PM me if you'd like...Hang in there. What a crappy feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 What happened on your D-day? Greyhound, I am so sorry. I feel the same way, like a cast off. It is a horrible way to feel. So many promises are made during an affair. And when the married affair partner goes back to the "other," it isn't just someone, it is his SPOUSE. So he needs to take bold measures, I suppose. I'm in a similar place, so I'm not a good one to give advice. Just take it minute by minute and try and find some way to mentally leave him in your rearview mirror. PM me if you'd like...Hang in there. What a crappy feeling. From what I've read about affairs I think it's called hysterical bonding. It wears off eventually and reality sets in and they have to face the destruction and deal with it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 And I'm the trash? I "did and said things he can never forgive"? I treated him horrible? Is this how they justify things to themselves? Yes. That is absolutely how they justify things to themselves. He was a poor little lamb who you led away from his shepherdess... awwww... Two months ago, he did the whole "I love her bit I'm not in love with her". He was going to divorce her. He didn't think they could last another six months. He wanted to be with me. I was "beautiful, sexy, strong, a wonderful mom, etc". But now that dday has happened, I'm a horrible person. I didn't seduce this man. I didn't ask him to love me or to pretend he did. I didn't ask him to do ANY of that! Two months ago, she didn't care whether he was coming or going (so he said). Now, she's the perfect patient loving wife that's standing by his side, while I'm the one that treated him horrible and tried to destroy his life. Wtf? Oh...yeah yeah yeah...I like it when they come out with all of this about how we destroyed their lives...and how bad we are, as if somehow they never had a choice... cue a message from him in a few weeks sayng he misses you or acting like nothing happened and he wants to carry on just keep waiting, honestly! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 I was "beautiful, sexy, strong, a wonderful mom, etc". Use these words. You are beautiful, sexy, strong and a great mother You will get through this, with your dignity intact...you can manage anything and you will come out on top. Be thankful you are not a whiny, blameshifting, sap of a man, staying in the tatters of a marriage just so he doesn't have to be alone and boy is his "perfect wife" a lucky woman to have such a man who can talk about the woman he loves in such a way we should be envious of such a girl right? You deserve better...and so does she 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 (edited) yes I think initially the focus will be on you and how horrible you are to have wrecked or tried to wreck their marriage. Then they will face reality or try and live with it. slowly the BS will start to put all the pieces together and have to come to terms with it instead of focusing on you' date=' she will realise it was the WH that did the damage. The next step is anger and forgiveness.[/quote'] J'adore...you know she said the MM was the one who's disparaging her right, and not the BS . Anyway: sorry about that GSM. It's unfortunate to get trapped in these games, which is why any relationship playing two people off each other isn't worth it to me. You make one the good cop, one the bad cop and switch as it suits your needs, which is what he's doing. Ignore him. He's full of it. Edited May 11, 2013 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 I know it hurts. But who cares if she's the perfect wife? He sure as hell isn't the perfect husband. He is really pathetic to make you out to be the bad guy without taking his 50% share of responsibility. He probably does this to everyone in all his relationships...including his poor, perfect wife. Like Miss Bee said, its good cop/bad cop with him and in each scenario he's still the criminal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 'Flipping' and 'poofing' are pretty common with one subset of MM's/MW's. That kind of emotional instability, while quite confusing for a OW/OM, can be absolutely debilitating to live with long term. This presumes his actions match the chaos of his words. Be aware of the 'flip back'. Pretty common with this type of personality. My sympathies. Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 'Flipping' and 'poofing' are pretty common with one subset of MM's/MW's. That kind of emotional instability, while quite confusing for a OW/OM, can be absolutely debilitating to live with long term. This presumes his actions match the chaos of his words. Be aware of the 'flip back'. Pretty common with this type of personality. My sympathies. What's "flipping" and "poofing"? Sounds like how I did my hair in the 80's 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 Carhill, what do you mean by flipping and poofing? I think you mean they have to demonize you, once they know it isn't going to work out, the way they hoped it would. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 Flipping = one minute or one day you're a saint; the next you're a devil Poofing = After a period of apparently sincere and demonstrative love and intimacy, they disappear without notice or explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 More from me...again! He called you trash? Well, aside from being exceptionally rude and not knowing what the hell he is talking about...one man's trash is another man's treasure. I'm sure you are already treasured by many around you(friends, family, your child(ren), loveshackers(!) etc.) and you will be treasured in future by a lucky man Try and forget his cruel words 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 Flipping = one minute or one day you're a saint; the next you're a devil Poofing = After a period of apparently sincere and demonstrative love and intimacy, they disappear without notice or explanation. As in "poof!" gone in a cloud of smoke (just like in cartoons/comics etc.)..? Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 I am sorry for your pain. Its is so common after DD for the married person to throw OW OR OM under the bus. If you think about it he was saying things about his wife before that. He told both woman what they wanted to hear. You know what happened and how it really is. This is a blessing in disguise. Now that you know how he is you can move on an find someone that gives you more. One day you will look back at this with out tears and be happy it ended. Take care of yourself. Big Hugs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreySkyMorning Posted May 11, 2013 Author Share Posted May 11, 2013 Thank you everyone for all your replies last night and this morning. It was just a difficult night for some reason. He nonchalantly informed me the other day that they are having sex again now. After a year of no sex and little intimacy, all of a sudden, thats good again now. I know, I know, its all the typical cliches. They were just "roommates", blah blah. I guess all thats different now. So the cold stale marriage to the woman he wasnt "in love" with and was planning to divorce is now a fantastic marriage that he never wants to leave. In a lot of ways, I think still being in contact with him helps me. It's certainly helping to clear up the fantasies I still had in my head. He's definitely not the man I ever believed that he was. What was I thinking? I held him up in my mind and heart as this good honest trustworthy man. In reality, he's none of that. He's a liar. He's a cheater. He's passive aggressive. He's conflict avoidant. He's borderline emotionally abusive. The more he opens his mouth now, the clearer that becomes. He STILL says he never lied to me. I've directly confronted him with two point blank lies and he STILL says that. Lets not even count all the other stuff that I know about and havent said anything to him about. Geez, are they all the same? Of course, his story now is that he was planning to leave her and be with me, but my actions changed all that. I wasnt a good person to him. Everytime I mention a single thing he did to hurt me, he manages to throw something else back at me to show the bad things I did. The bad things I did....really? What were these horrible things? I waited for him for almost two years. I supported him through all the crap he needed to get straightened out before we could be together. I was there for him every minute of every day that he needed or just wanted me. I dropped everything in my life in order to make him the center of it. I wasn't perfect and I certainly got frustrated. Even now, I still let him dictate my life in some way. The single guy that I've been talking to, I back away from getting too personal with him because I still feel like I'm cheating on MM! I'm positive that MM didnt think twice about me when he was having sex with his wife again! And lets talk about single guy. He's got way more to offer than MM ever did. He's single for one thing. He WANTS to spend time with me. He's stable with a good job. Our kids are all the exact same ages and even go to the same schools. He's supportive and caring. He's been trying to be there for me as much as I'll let him. And I'm still hung up on some married guy that tossed me under a bus??? Wtf is wrong with me? Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 Don't worry gsm; this will pass eventually. He has issues and is really good at sucking people in. These absurd messages he's sending are designed to hurt you..specifically. that's who is as a person in real life. If you really think about it, now that you know do you really think he is good for you? Imagine being his wife and having to put with his games of mental torture. It would suck! Don't let him get to you and if its hard then fake it until you make it! Link to post Share on other sites
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 gosh your MM sounds a lot like mine. and you sound like how I am with mine. waiting.. dropping everything and being nothing but understanding. but it IS good you are getting so mad. this anger will hopefully turn into motivation to push you forward and past all of this. he doesn't deserve you. and whether this new found happiness with the wife is real or not makes no difference-- because he is choosing to be with her-- and you're getting better end of the deal by not being with this man. keep your head up. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyseeds Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 He was married. Underneath it all, you couldn't believe it would end in a patch of roses. He will skirt responsibility like many men do and you are now dealing with the fallout. Always better to keep your own dignity, self-respect, and learn how to say no. Men will always say nice things to you at the beginning to win your affection and get into your pants... As for DDAY, the sorry hubby was shocked into reality and realized how much he actually does care for his wife. He came to his senses. And I'm the trash? I "did and said things he can never forgive"? I treated him horrible? Is this how they justify things to themselves? Two months ago, he did the whole "I love her bit I'm not in love with her". He was going to divorce her. He didn't think they could last another six months. He wanted to be with me. I was "beautiful, sexy, strong, a wonderful mom, etc". But now that dday has happened, I'm a horrible person. I didn't seduce this man. I didn't ask him to love me or to pretend he did. I didn't ask him to do ANY of that! Two months ago, she didn't care whether he was coming or going (so he said). Now, she's the perfect patient loving wife that's standing by his side, while I'm the one that treated him horrible and tried to destroy his life. Wtf? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 I didn't say the BS was disparaging her why don't you re read. My point was initially she will believe that it was OW fault as he will tell her it was. It is how it goes. And my point was: Grey's post was all about the MM and his view of her, not the BS's, so I don't see how your response about what the BS believes has anything to do with Grey's situation, as none of what Grey said was discussing the BS and how she feels/doesn't feel about her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 Thank you everyone for all your replies last night and this morning. It was just a difficult night for some reason. He nonchalantly informed me the other day that they are having sex again now. After a year of no sex and little intimacy, all of a sudden, thats good again now. I know, I know, its all the typical cliches. They were just "roommates", blah blah. I guess all thats different now. So the cold stale marriage to the woman he wasnt "in love" with and was planning to divorce is now a fantastic marriage that he never wants to leave. In a lot of ways, I think still being in contact with him helps me. It's certainly helping to clear up the fantasies I still had in my head. He's definitely not the man I ever believed that he was. What was I thinking? I held him up in my mind and heart as this good honest trustworthy man. In reality, he's none of that. He's a liar. He's a cheater. He's passive aggressive. He's conflict avoidant. He's borderline emotionally abusive. The more he opens his mouth now, the clearer that becomes. He STILL says he never lied to me. I've directly confronted him with two point blank lies and he STILL says that. Lets not even count all the other stuff that I know about and havent said anything to him about. Geez, are they all the same? Of course, his story now is that he was planning to leave her and be with me, but my actions changed all that. I wasnt a good person to him. Everytime I mention a single thing he did to hurt me, he manages to throw something else back at me to show the bad things I did. The bad things I did....really? What were these horrible things? I waited for him for almost two years. I supported him through all the crap he needed to get straightened out before we could be together. I was there for him every minute of every day that he needed or just wanted me. I dropped everything in my life in order to make him the center of it. I wasn't perfect and I certainly got frustrated. Even now, I still let him dictate my life in some way. The single guy that I've been talking to, I back away from getting too personal with him because I still feel like I'm cheating on MM! I'm positive that MM didnt think twice about me when he was having sex with his wife again! And lets talk about single guy. He's got way more to offer than MM ever did. He's single for one thing. He WANTS to spend time with me. He's stable with a good job. Our kids are all the exact same ages and even go to the same schools. He's supportive and caring. He's been trying to be there for me as much as I'll let him. And I'm still hung up on some married guy that tossed me under a bus??? Wtf is wrong with me? Ughhh! I would shut this contact down at this point. I think you've seen and heard enough of his nonsense. It upsets me sooooo much when people have no plans of doing something but somehow turn it into a transgression on your part why they didn't hold up their end. It is emotionally abusive! My dad operates like this and go figure, I would in the past choose men like this, who all they had were false promises but acted like I was the one who didn't act right so them not coming through was my "punishment" . Please cut MM out. Don't think of it as being hung up on "him", but think of it as your emotions are attached to the situation and feelings it created and you just need some time to detach before you're available to date again. Don't continue to participate in his disparaging of you. I don't think further abuse on his part will help you. Block and delete I say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 No surprise. Nowadays, in real world, people says things do things to serve their momentary purpose. If they want to use you, you are God, if they finish dealing with you, then you are a piece of trash. I don't deny - I do the same thing to people. Integrity is just a textbook word to sing along, not realistic to apply if you want to live and win in real world. So my advice - be smart especially if you are a woman, simple is that. Too many weak-minded women in pathetic situation here. too much. And I'm the trash? I "did and said things he can never forgive"? I treated him horrible? Is this how they justify things to themselves? Two months ago, he did the whole "I love her bit I'm not in love with her". He was going to divorce her. He didn't think they could last another six months. He wanted to be with me. I was "beautiful, sexy, strong, a wonderful mom, etc". But now that dday has happened, I'm a horrible person. I didn't seduce this man. I didn't ask him to love me or to pretend he did. I didn't ask him to do ANY of that! Two months ago, she didn't care whether he was coming or going (so he said). Now, she's the perfect patient loving wife that's standing by his side, while I'm the one that treated him horrible and tried to destroy his life. Wtf? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 No surprise. Nowadays, in real world, people says things do things to serve their momentary purpose. If they want to use you, you are God, if they finish dealing with you, then you are a piece of trash. I don't deny - I do the same thing to people. Integrity is just a textbook word to sing along, not realistic to apply if you want to live and win in real world. So my advice - be smart especially if you are a woman, simple is that. Too many weak-minded women in pathetic situation here. too much. Ahh wow. I know plenty people "winning" in life who have integrity. I disagree that the way to "win" is to be a user But if that works for you...enjoy. I do agree though that women (and people) need to be smart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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