Part of me wants him to chase ME for once and fight for me IF he really loves me

[AmazonUSA]

Hello everyone....I've been lurking around for a few days and read through a lot of your posts - very interesting indeed. I'm quite pleased to have found a forum that describes exactly what I'm going through right now and hopefully I can solicit some advice as well.

 

Brief (or maybe not so brief) background:

 

Ex-bf and I met in January during football season. We hit it off, spend a lot of time together, had fun - the L word never came up. Then after our second sexual encounter I quit returning his phone calls. Why you ask? Hmmm, good question. Personally I was disappointed that he didn't seem to know what he was doing in the sack. Hey, I'm being honest lol He still called periodically, like once a week but we didn't talk.

 

Fast forward, almost two months. We bump into each other, he's upset about the fact I didn't return phone calls, I apologize and explain why (yes, I did tell him about the sex thing), he's a little surprised but accepts my apology and asks me out again. We start dating, he tries really hard to improve on that end... and silly me, I fall in love with him. I try never to be the one that says the L word first but did in this case. ARGHH! It took him a month or so to admit that he loves me too. Probably due to the fact that his ex-gf prior to me really screwed him over (they have a three-year old together) and he was (or is?) gunshy.

 

We spent as much time together as was possible, since he works second shift and I don't. So we didn't get to see each other that much. I doing my usual "romance" thing, sending cards, doing little things for him, sending silly sweet text messages, getting him gifts and sending him flowers. Aren't I a sap? What did I get in return. Hmmm.... nothing. I do not have ONE single little memento to show for five months of dating. Nothing. I was disappointed that I seemed to be in a romance by myself and we talked about it. The sex was slipping back into the old mode too - I do all the initiating, I do most of the work and he gets to just enjoy the ride. We talk about that too. So he tries once again.

 

The relationship was getting frustrating to me. I mean he called me like three times a day, every day. But every time he did, he would talk about things that meant absolutely nothing. Like, what he had for lunch, what a bitch his ex is, how many problems he has because of her, his dad is an a**h***, his mom needs him to drive her to doc's appointsments, his truck needs an oil change and that he misses his son. The conversation never touched on anything much emotional, intimate or...well, you get the picture. I started going out with my gf's occassionally. He didn't like that. He didn't come right out and say it; but when he called me on the cell and I was out with her at the time, he didn't sound too thrilled about it. What was I supposed to do, sit at home every day and pine for him? I felt like he was trying to control me in a way, so occassionally I wouldn't answer his second call on the cell and just call him back the next day. He went ballistic on me? Not in a open way, more passive/aggressive. Like, not returning my calls for days, etc etc. Typical controlling behavior.

 

Fast forward through this to about a month ago. An old BF of mine from 3.5 years ago contacts me from Iraq (he's deployed over there until next Feb) and says that he still loves me, that he's sorry he was such a schmuck back then and he'd like to try again. We parted on semi-amicable terms; I got married and divorced during that time, he saw other people, we still bumped into each other occassionally and he came to visit for 5 minutes while he was on R&R in late August.

 

I'm like, huh? I tell my current BF about this (I have no secrets) and he seems to take it in stride, no reaction at all - at least outwardly. Not that I was expecting one. I mean come on, 3.5 years is a long time and I'm with my current BF, so why would there be a problem? Anyway, one night I'm out playing pool with my friends, my cell is stashed in my purse so I don't hear it. When I'm ready to go home he'd blown it up! Five calls in 2 hours, one marked urgent and a nasty voicemail to boot. It pissed me off!! So I didn't call him back until the next day. He never returned the call. I left it alone for a week. I'd come home from work and saw his number on the caller ID; I didn't call him back. He never left any messages. Few days later I finally answer the phone and here's how the conversation went:

 

HIM: You know, I thought about this a lot and it all comes down to this... I don't want to lose your friendship and I want to be in your life. I've got so much **** going on right now, I just can't give you the things and attention you deserve right now. Really, it's not you - it's me. I still love you and I hope that we can be friends. Any way you want it, if you just wanna talk on the phone that's fine."

ME: (a little stunned) Is that right? You wanna be friends? I don't think I can do that.

HIM: (sounding hurt) Why not?? I'm giving you the freedom to do whatever you want, if that means seeing other people so be it. I just don't wanna hear about it.

ME: How do you expect me to be friends with you? Hang out and chill and act like our relationship never happened? That would hurt too much. I don't think I can do it.

HIM: (frustrated) Well, just think about it for a bit and call me.

ME: Fine

 

Didn't talk to him for a few days after that. I was in emotional limbo and confusion. Finally, I call him and tell him that I just can't do it. I love him and the being friends thing would hurt too much. So he starts crying on the phone! "I don't want to lose you, I really dont! I need to be part of your life. And I know in my heart that once I have my problems taken care of, we will be back together. I just know it. We'll get married." I told him no; no friendship, can't do it and hang up.

 

Two days later he calls me again, somewhat distraught. Talking about - nothing! Work sucks, lunch was bad, he doesn't feel so good because he went out and got smashed after our last phone call (he doesn't really drink much) - basically sounding off on me. He did that for three days in a row. Calling me every day. One day, he ended up at my house (yeah yeah booty call) at 2 am, I told him afterwards that this was not what I wanted (friends with benefits) and that I couldn't do this ever again. He seemed hurt. Jeez Louise. I called him two days later and told him it's best if he leaves me alone. This is not friendship, I don't want to be his friend right now and it hurts me, please stop calling. He says, fine, I'll mail you your house key. I tell him, if you do, you're never getting it back (no idea why I said that?). He says, well do all your friends have keys to your house? I say, No but I don't sleep with my "friends" either.

 

I haven't talked to him in over a week now, although I do have the urge to pick up the phone. I do miss him, but I feel that he's really being selfish. He wants everything to be the same with the minor change that he doesn't have to give anything in return. He wants to be able to call me to sound off about his day or anything else, go for lunch occassionally, hang out when HE has time and maybe knock some boots every once in a while. I just can't do that.

 

So I'm moving on the best I can. I can't help but feel though that this saga is not over yet. Somehow I get the feeling that this whole break-up/friendship request was/is a ploy to get me to run after him. I did it once after a fight we had (over me not answering my cell while out!!) but I'm not doing it again. It's just so demeaning to run after a guy, I have more self-respect than that.

 

So now I'm confused. Part of me wants him to chase ME for once and fight for me IF he really loves me. Part of me is really angry about the way he handled it. And if he does fight for me, do I take him back? Knowing me, once you break my heart it's really really difficult to get back into my good graces. Not that I hold a grudge. I just don't waste my energy being depressed and down for more than a few weeks. Life is too short to waste on endless moping and tears. My heart hurts and I'm sad, but I go on with life.

 

My ex-ex bf in Iraq still wants to get back together (we chat on messenger daily) but I'm not sure what to do with that. Just chatting right now, passing time maybe... who knows....

[mudobber]

I take it that this man can be trained, but needs a-lot of work. From your post I read that you have been able to mold him some. My call is that if you wanted to, you could really get dominant on him for a while and pretty much get him doing what ever it is that you want him to do.

 

It sounds like you are both kind-of floating around with no direction as far as the relationship goes. Have you ever been married? Are you interested in being married? If so, you really need to communicate that to the guys that you date.

 

The conflict that you discuss at the end of your post, “the part of you that wants to know if he really loves you” you really should get dressed up and visit him in person and make it clear that all of this is not endearing you to him at all. Keep the conversation focused, don’t let him steer into trivial details. Then it will be up to him on how childish he wants to be. Will he be a man and own up to his mistakes? Or will he come clean and apologize. Some men are so full of pride, they always have to win. But from your post my bet is that you can pretty much get this guy to say anything that you want him to.

 

Good luck, and remember to keep your important conversations focused.

[AmazonUSA]

Mud...yep, we've both been married before and we did discuss getting married and having babies. For some reason though the more I seemed to put into the relationship, the less he talked about it - the relationship, the future..anything really. I mean, if a man is truly thinking about having that kind of future with you - why would he continue to talk about all the things that HE's going to do....there was never any US or WE in his actions or words for that matter. When I mentioned it to him he said he didn't realize and he'd work on it. He never did.

 

As far as the molding is concerned...naw.. I don't want to "mold" my man. Yes, I'd like him to be receptive to getting a clue sexually lol I'm very open about that and don't mind discussing it at all. He on the other hand seems taken aback when I bring it up, like I'm questioning his manhood or something. Did I mention that I'm 40 and he's 33? Maybe he's too young for me. I still see some immaturity in him as far as dealing with a relationship is concerned.

 

G

[mudobber]

Hello again Mrs. Amazon,

 

40 is good age. I adore mature and classy ladies. It is almost a fetish of mine. I find a mature woman to be sexy, and very alluring.

 

From what I read, you have pretty much done what one can do in a relationship. The man might not be to young for you, it is a trademark of that age group of men to be wishy-washy though.

 

I have thought about what you wrote about his backing off when you move forward. Not a good sign, but maybe not an impossible case. There is that infamous fear of commitment that people talk about. But look at it this way, once a man commits, that’s it! It is like jumping off the diving board. Consider it a common weakness that he has and work your way through it. You don’t know what kind of man he is until you both have a real commitment to each other. Get that, and a-lot of those inexplicable problems will go away.

 

Now he could be just a POS. You need to find out soon so you can get on with your life one way or the other. You are at the prime of your life, and life is too short to spend years playing patty-cake with a child that wont grow up. Hey, that’s a great break up line! Feel free to use it if you want.

 

I have a dear friend that is quite attractive. She really wants a regular husband to start a family with, but those men in her age group are just impossible. They are such cowards! Ok, maybe not all of them. A pal of mine in his thirties just married into a family of five, so that proves that it can be done. It is because of my lady friend’s frustration that I feel a bit peeved about her cowardly boyfriends.

 

What about that IRAQ guy? Is he any good? If you are both available, there could be some serendipity working!