She has "friends with benefits", but wants to wait to have sex...wtf?

[diskostu]

Dated girl for three weeks. She says she wants to wait to have sex until the relationship is more than just sex and more meaningful. At the same time, she has previously mentioned that she has a few fwb (friends with benefits). She claims she hasn't had sex in more than 6 weeks, but wtf is this nonsense?

 

She'll have sex with some random guy, but make me wait? Thinking of just dumping her and moving on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Dated girl for three weeks. She says she wants to wait to have sex until the relationship is more than just sex and more meaningful. At the same time, she has previously mentioned that she has a few fwb (friends with benefits). She claims she hasn't had sex in more than 6 weeks, but wtf is this nonsense?

 

She'll have sex with some random guy, but make me wait? Thinking of just dumping her and moving on.

 

Many women define casual sex and relationship sex as being different.

 

So for her, she's already having casual sex with those people, that's just the past or prior arrangement. And she already knows that is not going anywhere.

 

With you, you are the "potential" for relationship (possibly right?) and the new guy, she might want to wait on intimacy with you before she engages into casual sex with just another guy for sex or at least being a FWB (she might tell herself it's more than just sex for example). She also might only have sex with these men every once in a great well to get her rocks off.

 

The idea is likely she'll tell you once you are intimate/together she will cut off those other men and then she will be "exclusive".

 

I know what you're thinking, it sounds crazy and ridiculous but this is how a lot of people do things these days...if a relationship didn't work out, they let it slide into a FWB for casual sex and companionship, especially if they feel they connect with that person on multiple levels, and then that usually dries up or they don't tell a new person they are dating and then end up in a relationship and cut off those sex partners.

 

Men and women do this, although men are less likely to cut off their FWB's.

 

She's being honest with you man....I mean probably, maybe not, but I'm sure as soon as she saw this had a chance to go somewhere and she really liked you, then that's when she may have stopped having sex with her FWB. If she didn't have sex in 6 weeks then it was before you, there are many people who believe the past is the past though and whatever happens beyond the point they meet you is the only thing important.

 

Sorry to break open your mind sunshine.

[Revolver]

Its pretty simple women don't let guys who turn them on instantly wait. Those guys get no strings attached sex and sex on the first date while other guys who she's on the fence about have to wait. That or she could be trying to pull the classic "I'm a good girl/Please choose me for a LTR" act

 

It just means you don't turn her on as much as the guys in her last did

[candie13]

if she hasn't had sex in 6 weeks and sees you in three weeks, this means she had FWB - past tense, not present tense.

 

You seem to be thinking less of her because of her FWB, whereas she wants to build a relationship with her - by not jumping in to sex...

 

If you're not finding this whole "relationship" theory of hers interesting, you should tell it to her.

 

In the end, if you think less of her because of the FWB, maybe you think less of her as a person... so can you be in a relationship with someone you don't really think that much of? Or you think, since she had several FWB, she should be jumping into bed with you straight away?

 

We all got you wanna have sex, the questions is - why? Only for fun or for more? She's already categorized you in the "more" section. Now, be straight up with her and let her know in which one of the two cases - Fun or Relationship - you wanna be... try not to lie in order to get laid, it seems she's actually taking you seriously...

[candie13]

Its pretty simple women don't let guys who turn them on instantly wait. Those guys get no strings attached sex and sex on the first date while other guys who she's on the fence about have to wait. That or she could be trying to pull the classic "I'm a good girl/Please choose me for a LTR" act

 

It just means you don't turn her on as much as the guys in her last did

 

because all women turn instantly blind, deaf and incapable of saying no to sex, when they meet a guy they are attracted to ? If only it were this easy.

 

There are a million reasons why a woman would not want to have sex with a guy straight away. Ruining the chances of a relationship ranks amongst the first reasons, on that list !

[StanMusial]

Well first of all I question her discretion. Strange that she lays all that out there in the first three weeks. Honestly it makes me wonder if she even likes you... not really trying to impress.

Secondly, you might want to ask her for the results of her STD test before getting involved.

[phineas]

Well first of all I question her discretion. Strange that she lays all that out there in the first three weeks. Honestly it makes me wonder if she even likes you... not really trying to impress.

Secondly, you might want to ask her for the results of her STD test before getting involved.

 

This.

If she was done with her FWB's & really saw this guy as long term there is no way in hell another man would even be mentioned in conversation yet alone multiple fwbs.

 

It almost seems like she is trying to scare him off.

 

This is why I explore all options until a woman is actually sleeping with me because I seriously doubt he is the only guy she is seeing right now.

[crederer]

This doesn't sound like a desirable woman......

 

It's one thing to have a FWB, but multiple ones? And to tell you about it doesn't seem like she's all that into you. Or she's crazy, so take your pick.

[mortensorchid]

She has A FEW fwb? And on top of that she shared this information with you? There was a period in my life when I had just such a set up, but do you think I was sharing that with others?! It came to an end because it should have come to an end, plus I realized it was a very trashy thing to do on my part. It was a part of growing up I now realize, but that seems like a few lifetimes ago now. For the sake of personal and public health (physical and mental), one does not do that anymore.

 

This girl sounds like she is looking for something more than a fwb situation, and she sounds like trash as well if she's sharing that with others (especially you).

[boaaaar]

Get some friends with benefits yourself until she delivers, or hire hookers. Oh and be sure to let her know about that in slightly subtle ways or .... just ditch her ?

[candie13]

So, she had fwb before !!! Like ...not exactly a virgin, ok?? OP, some people on this site believe you should only be dating "pure" women, jeesh!

 

Look, if you're bothered with the fwb situation, lay it out to her! She's actually done well, because if you are judgmental now, you will still be judgmental later, but later you'll will be able to say she's not only "trashy" but a liar as well. She's apparently none of the two.

 

She's laying all the cards on the table. Today. You don't like her choices, don't approve of her past? Chances are you don't like her that much to begin with! And she is soooo smart to test you this early, because she gives you an opportunity to express your pov. Her past remains the same, if she tells it to you today or in 2-3 months.

 

Your reaction will speak TONS about yourself and... if it's the wrong reaction - judging, putting her down, condescending, expecting the same "treatment" as the FWB - she'll actually be winning a few months and avoiding to fall even more for a man like you. If indeed you are judging her based on her sexual options in the past, I do hope she loses you like a hot potato .

[candie13]

Get some friends with benefits yourself until she delivers, or hire hookers. Oh and be sure to let her know about that in slightly subtle ways or .... just ditch her ?

 

the worst and the best advice, all in one phrase!

 

Be intimate with other people - when she's not intimate with any - that's a clever idea and will for sure help you build a nice little relationship there!

 

and ditch her - do her that favor before sleeping with her... you might catch some of those lethal STD that people get only from FWB !

[hppr]

Her reasons are her own, don't bother trying to figure them out. Just ask yourself if you are okay with dating a girl who attaches strings and conditions to sex. Past experience has taught me that it is a terrible mistake to be with a woman like that but it is entirely up to you.

[Seductive]

How do you know that the fwb's were random? Are you aware that some people take time to get to know their fwb's before having sex with them? Ive known people that didn't start casually getting intimate with a "friend" until they knew that person for a good two months. Having a fwb is very different from picking up some random guy at the bar. If you don't want to wait to have sex, then leave. You two aren't a good match. Some people just want to build a strong sense of emotional intimacy and love before having sex. Waiting to have sex isn't punishment. If you don't like to wait, then you're going to have to someone on the same page.

Edited May 11, 2013 by Seductive

[hppr]

Some people just want to build a strong sense of emotional intimacy and love before having sex. .

 

If she were that sort of person then she wouldn't have had a FWB, let alone a 'few' of them. She would have had ex boyfriends, fiances, maybe an ex-hubbie but no FWBs. People who attach emotional intimacy and love to sex aren't going to have emotionless sexual arrangements on another person's whim, which is what FWB, bootycall etc is all about.

[Seductive]

If she were that sort of person then she wouldn't have had a FWB, let alone a 'few' of them. She would have had ex boyfriends, fiances, maybe an ex-hubbie but no FWBs. People who attach emotional intimacy and love to sex aren't going to have emotionless sexual arrangements on another person's whim, which is what FWB, bootycall etc is all about.

 

I disagree. I know plenty of people that have had fwbs, and then waited when in long term relationships. Those people are now happily married and monogamous. People also can grow and change. How would you feel if someone told you,"you smoked pot in highschool, so why did you stop as an adult?" or "you used to eat a lot of junk food. How can you just stop and start eating healthy?". Having an fwb in the past doesn't mean you have to do it for the rest of your life. Everyone is entitled to their own sexual choices.

[therhythm]

I don't see any problem with a woman having fwb (as long as it is not while she is dating you). But I would have problems with 3 weeks dating and no sex or visibility to it. She is not a virgin and she has had casual sex before therefore if she does not want to have sex with you is all about you. I would also move on seriously. Life without sex is really boring!

[candie13]

If she were that sort of person then she wouldn't have had a FWB, let alone a 'few' of them. She would have had ex boyfriends, fiances, maybe an ex-hubbie but no FWBs. People who attach emotional intimacy and love to sex aren't going to have emotionless sexual arrangements on another person's whim, which is what FWB, bootycall etc is all about.

 

you don't know the arrangements of a FWB. I've had a guy I started dating, but was afraid of getting hurt all over again. I kept on getting hurt and kept on making bad choices. So my future FWB was anything but a hot steamy sex friend. anything but that! I knew him, I could trust him to have sex and not hurt me emotionally. I was not invested, for once in my life and it did me good to have a friend I can talk to and who could give me some fantastic input, while being intimate, once in a while.

 

just... stay away from generalization! I've had a lot of "dates" who told me they wanted to get all serious and wanted me to meet their family, just to ease their way to sex. I've had a FWB who never made false promises and did not play any stupid game with me, who treated me a lot more decent than many of the other guys I've dated... people, ya know?

[Richard Friedman]

Its pretty simple women don't let guys who turn them on instantly wait. Those guys get no strings attached sex and sex on the first date while other guys who she's on the fence about have to wait. That or she could be trying to pull the classic "I'm a good girl/Please choose me for a LTR" act

 

It just means you don't turn her on as much as the guys in her last did

 

 

Nice work. Cut straight to heart of the matter. This is the simplest, most sensibe explanation.

[crude]

People who attach emotional intimacy and love to sex aren't going to have emotionless sexual arrangements on another person's whim, which is what FWB, bootycall etc is all about.

 

 

You obviously don't know what FWB are. The guys could've been her closest friends since she was 3 years old. People seem to downplay years of friendship, instead making a big deal out of a random guy who sees a woman he'd like to bang, asks her out, and then after 3 weeks he's the only man on earth who can touch her.

[therhythm]

Its pretty simple women don't let guys who turn them on instantly wait. Those guys get no strings attached sex and sex on the first date while other guys who she's on the fence about have to wait. That or she could be trying to pull the classic "I'm a good girl/Please choose me for a LTR" act

 

It just means you don't turn her on as much as the guys in her last did

 

I didn't want to put it as raw as Revolver did, but Revolver words are the sad truth!

I could understand the "I want to wait for sex till we are something more serious" from a woman who had lived by that kind of moral values, but if she has had some casual sex already it just tells you that her fwb are better sex plan that you are, else she would not wait!

[therhythm]

because all women turn instantly blind, deaf and incapable of saying no to sex, when they meet a guy they are attracted to ? If only it were this easy.

 

There are a million reasons why a woman would not want to have sex with a guy straight away. Ruining the chances of a relationship ranks amongst the first reasons, on that list !

 

 

Well in the way I see it not having sex will ruin the chances for a relationship in more cases than having it. Can you enlighten me? In which case would having sex with the guy be bad for the relationship? she has already said she has had casual sex so I don't think she is afraid that the guy would consider her "easy" (I hate the connotations of that word because we are all easy in the given moment) so how having sex with the guy would ruin the chances of a relationship?

[ChessPieceFace]

Dated girl for three weeks. She says she wants to wait to have sex until the relationship is more than just sex and more meaningful. At the same time, she has previously mentioned that she has a few fwb (friends with benefits). She claims she hasn't had sex in more than 6 weeks, but wtf is this nonsense?

 

She'll have sex with some random guy, but make me wait? Thinking of just dumping her and moving on.

 

Casual sex attitudes don't work. They reflect the lack of a moral foundation, which will end up biting you in the ass whenever your woman decides to throw you out like a used paper towel.

[hppr]

You obviously don't know what FWB are. The guys could've been her closest friends since she was 3 years old.

 

Perhaps. But that doesn't really have anything to do with this thread, it's just a derail. The real question is should he wait? I know that I have done it before and it was a mistake, other guys posting up in here seem to think the same, the girls obviously identify more with the hypothetical woman in this case and are trying (somewhat) to defend her, but in the end...should he wait when he doesn't want to, and is bothered by it? I think the obvious answer is no, he shouldn't, he should find someone who is on the same page as he is.

[silvermercy]

I disagree. I know plenty of people that have had fwbs, and then waited when in long term relationships. Those people are now happily married and monogamous. People also can grow and change. How would you feel if someone told you,"you smoked pot in highschool, so why did you stop as an adult?" or "you used to eat a lot of junk food. How can you just stop and start eating healthy?". Having an fwb in the past doesn't mean you have to do it for the rest of your life. Everyone is entitled to their own sexual choices.

I'm not sure if I fully agree with this comparison... Yes, there are exceptions, but I'm not sure junk food or something silly you did in high-school is comparable to something you continuously do as an adult, and recently, too. Plus, when it comes to sexual habits, those change even more difficult than, say, food habits.