To those who are in a marriage but are not happy..

[tinam]

I have been reading around and am just blown away by how many are writing they are in a marriage for such and such years but have not been happy just go through the motions don't know how to tell the spouse ect. Could someone please give me there perspective on how exactly that works? My husband came home three nights ago and said he was leaving that he hasn't been happy for some time I was blindsided in my mind we were very happy we were very affectionate couple we were one of those couples other couples hated always touchy feely always holding hands even in the car so how could he have been faking that what am I missing please someone that is going through it tell me how could have been so blind so stupid I feel like I don't even know who I was married to for 15 years devastating

[Shocked Suzie]

I have been reading around and am just blown away by how many are writing they are in a marriage for such and such years but have not been happy just go through the motions don't know how to tell the spouse ect. Could someone please give me there perspective on how exactly that works? My husband came home three nights ago and said he was leaving that he hasn't been happy for some time I was blindsided in my mind we were very happy we were very affectionate couple we were one of those couples other couples hated always touchy feely always holding hands even in the car so how could he have been faking that what am I missing please someone that is going through it tell me how could have been so blind so stupid I feel like I don't even know who I was married to for 15 years devastating

 

 

I ask myself the same question over and over, my relationship was what I and every other sole that knew us as a couple thought was a solid loving relationship... Little did I know that "apparently" for two yrs my exh was unhappy....4 months of this time he was having an affair.

 

What we need to get our heads around " hard I know" is that it's them with the issues here. not to mention their discontent, to seek affection with another "whilst still being physical" with their wife/husband...not actually telling us there is an issue in the first place...not giving their marriage a chance to be worked on...is all insane as far as I can see!

 

It's really not worth thinking about.... Sadly almost impossible not to

[tinam]

Exactly he has me thinking I did something wrong why did he feel he had to be with someone else when he was getting everything he needed at home emotionally and physically why didn't he tell me he was unhappy and leave before he crossed that line why did he speak up didn't he speak up and say he wasn't happy maybe we could have went to counseling no its just I'm unhappy I'm leaving after 15 years that's what I get trying so hard to say your not worth it I deserve better than this but its just devastating to me. He was my everything just three days ago I knew no different and I don't know how to move forward but I suppose I have no choice

[Shocked Suzie]

Exactly he has me thinking I did something wrong why did he feel he had to be with someone else when he was getting everything he needed at home emotionally and physically why didn't he tell me he was unhappy and leave before he crossed that line why did he speak up didn't he speak up and say he wasn't happy maybe we could have went to counseling no its just I'm unhappy I'm leaving after 15 years that's what I get trying so hard to say your not worth it I deserve better than this but its just devastating to me. He was my everything just three days ago I knew no different and I don't know how to move forward but I suppose I have no choice

 

You sound just like I did a few months back...feel for you big time! It's

hard, it's crap and It could get difficult. I don't even know my husband anymore! He's even let me kids down ' they were his world' ... I was his world! My marriage was 16yrs...all happy, hardly ever argued, great sex life, I was alway faithful, worked the lot!?!? Who knows what goes on! My daughter said it's a midlife crisis...if that's what it is he seems pretty happy with his decision....sadly you will probably be like me n many others ...confused and wondering how/why for some time to come....it honestly get easier, it does settle down eventually xxx

Edited May 11, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[Act Two]

I'm really sorry for what you are both going through. It sounds like your ex-husbands were very cowardly, selfish and stupid for tossing away a marriage for a mirage of something that would make them happy.

 

If they were unhappy then they should have told you and given you a chance, but it sounds like that might not have been the case. Rather, there was something that went wrong inside of them so they searched for external fulfillment to fill them up.

 

One day, they might very much regret what they did. Unless they are sociopaths, they probably will.

 

I am one of the posters in the previous thread who was not happy, but we had a specific issue that cropped up in the second or third month of an 18 year marriage. My STBX was fully aware of that issue. If he were to post on this forum he would tell you the same thing. To this day he has never gone to more than 3 consecutive IC sessions to work on this issue. After many years of this I was unfaithful to him. Let me be clear though: even with a glaring issue that caused distress in me and caused me to lose trust and respect in him, he still did NOT deserve what I did to him. Cheating is still the fault of the cheater so if you are on the receiving end, you can't beat yourself up about it.

 

You do not deserve what you got from your spouses. Leaving a marriage, especially when children are involved without giving it a fair fight and allowing your spouse to work on it as well is unconscionable.

[Gunny376]

I went through the same thing 23 years and ago? Indeed it was my motivation for joining LS, and the reason that I post for the most part in the divorce and seperation section / forumns.

 

I've read a lot of books, magazines, watch TV, etc.

 

It pretty much comes down to this for me?

 

You've got "Givers' and you've got "Takers"

 

Giver's are generally self automious, happy-go-lucky, easy-going, go-along with the flow, have minimun wants and needs, hard working, generally want to be a part of something "greater than themselves". In for the most part? They're generally well rounded people................

 

They're in and for the most part? Self validating, and don't really need the outward validation of others?

 

Takers? They'yre generally insecure, selfish, self-centered, narcisstic. They don't give a damn about anyone other than themselves? Its all about "Me! Me! Me!"

 

You can call it a mid-life crisis if you want, but I think it just took a couple of years or more for their true self to emerge.

 

Women "takers" like Rev's think along the lines of allways wondering if they've still "Got It" to attract any and everything with a penis?

 

Men "takers" are always out to nail any and everything wearing a skirt and a pair of painties to prove they've still got it?

 

These are the idiot that get lipostuction, facelifts, dressing in their forties and fifities like they did when they were in their twenties ~ you know ~ back when they "had it!" (Or at least they thought they did!) They can't deal with getting older ~ they can't deal with turning 40, 50, etc, (IMPO? Beat the ever-loving hell out of the alternative)

 

Me? I KNOW I've still got it! Its right up there above my shoulders and between my ears. Its all a matter of having self confidence, knowing who and what you are? What your about? Its about attitude, and perspective. I'm self assured and self confident. I KNOW I can go out an find another woman besides Mrs. Gunny!

 

No brag! Just fact!

 

Trouble is?

 

I can find myself another woman?

 

But finding my Happy Azz another Mrs. Gunny isn't going to be such an easy chore!

 

The prime Mrs. Gunny and I "Click" is because she's a "Giver" and I'm a "Giver" (OK! I just think she's just an all around cool person and individual to boot!)

[Gunny376]

This song, although "dated" hauted me forever!

 

Ace - How Long (1974) - YouTube

[Gunny376]

The prime Mrs. Gunny and I "Click" is because she's a "Giver" and I'm a "Giver" (OK! I just think she's just an all around cool person and individual to boot!)

 

Especially when she "shines" me that "Mule heating briars" grin and that devilsh twinkly in her eye look!"

[Deerhunter]

Who knows? Midlife Crisis, alcohol, bipolar, mental breakdown? No matter the reason, it still hurts. My wife took off after 26 years. She has all the above I mentioned plus ptsd. I'll post about it later.

She is selfish and self centered. Blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in our marriage. Even though we both go to counseling at the Vet Center, she didn't see a need to go to family counseling as she said she never really loved me.

Just like yourself, others always wanted what we had. We were always affectionate and enjoyed being with each other.

It all came to a screaching halt one day and that was it. No one, including myself saw it coming. I don't call or text her. When she calls or texts, I keep it short and simple. The only question I ask her is how she's doing. Nothing more. Anything else and they will lie anyway. Just start doing things you enjoy. Go out with friends and have a good time. Don't let him think you are just going to sit around waiting on him while he's out having a good time. When he thinks you don't care anymore, you will find out for sure. He either won't care or he will start calling and driving by. Let him do his thing and you do yours. Good luck.

[Shocked Suzie]

Gunny... i agree with givers and takers, fortunately as you know I'm a little further down the line than the OP. I can now see where our marriage began to slip, I see the part my place was in this and I see his part in all this too... But as you said and this is also very true, it probably was always there inside of him, it just took him time to show his true colours... The thing is deep down I think I sort of knew that maybe with out our kids that we probably wouldn't have been together forever. I suppose I need to look at the the past 16yrs 'which were happy ones' and the two wonderful children we have and look at it as a chapter in my life that I got right and a little wrong too and grow from that.

 

I'm reading a good book atm which is helping me put together this puzzle... Reading is great and helps you understand and gives direction, that and posting here has been my rock Tina

[Shocked Suzie]

Who knows? Midlife Crisis, alcohol, bipolar, mental breakdown? No matter the reason, it still hurts. My wife took off after 26 years. She has all the above I mentioned plus ptsd. I'll post about it later.

She is selfish and self centered. Blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in our marriage. Even though we both go to counseling at the Vet Center, she didn't see a need to go to family counseling as she said she never really loved me.

Just like yourself, others always wanted what we had. We were always affectionate and enjoyed being with each other.

It all came to a screaching halt one day and that was it. No one, including myself saw it coming. I don't call or text her. When she calls or texts, I keep it short and simple. The only question I ask her is how she's doing. Nothing more. Anything else and they will lie anyway. Just start doing things you enjoy. Go out with friends and have a good time. Don't let him think you are just going to sit around waiting on him while he's out having a good time.

When he thinks you don't care anymore, you will find out for sure. He either won't care or he will start calling and driving by. Let him do his thing and you do yours. Good luck.

 

 

Yep I get the blame for everything too....and yes agreed, let them do their thing and us do ours....my relationship with him is dead, rarely does my mind wander to what he is up to...and when it does 'where would I rather be' where I am ...with my kids! He is the one which is loosing out not me

[Gunny376]

Yep I get the blame for everything too....and yes agreed, let them do their thing and us do ours....my relationship with him is dead, rarely does my mind wander to what he is up to...and when it does 'where would I rather be' where I am ...with my kids! He is the one which is loosing out not me

 

That's pretty much the point that you have to get to with all of this. Quit letting them cast all of this self doubt on you and come to the realization that its themselves that they're hurting and not you, (Fatoring out the children of course ~ but all you can do there is "Be There" for them in so much as humanly possible.

 

The day is going to come even though you can't see it when the sun is going to come out from behind the clouds, the skys will clear, the bluebirds will sing ~ and all will be right with the world.

[tinam]

Yep I get the blame for everything too....and yes agreed, let them do their thing and us do ours....my relationship with him is dead, rarely does my mind wander to what he is up to...and when it does 'where would I rather be' where I am ...with my kids! He is the one which is loosing out not me

 

God that's what i want so badly. I want to be able to get some sleep not be jerked awake with dreams or once im woken back up can't fall back asleep cause here comes the sick feeling if he's suppose to be here especially at night. How do you get through the nights. I want to be able to get back to my own bed and not the couch. I want to so not care where he's at and wonder if he's with another wOman. Been really trying. Emotions just take over. Important drained. Haven't slept or hardly eaten in 3 days. I haven't seen him or talked since sure that Will just start all new fresh wounds.

[Shocked Suzie]

God that's what i want so badly. I want to be able to get some sleep not be jerked awake with dreams or once im woken back up can't fall back asleep cause here comes the sick feeling if he's suppose to be here especially at night. How do you get through the nights. I want to be able to get back to my own bed and not the couch. I want to so not care where he's at and wonder if he's with another wOman. Been really trying. Emotions just take over. Important drained. Haven't slept or hardly eaten in 3 days. I haven't seen him or talked since sure that Will just start all new fresh wounds.

 

 

You will get there, I think from the posts you have done so far that you seem like a pretty grounded person. It takes time, those first few weeks are very dark and challenging. I was able to sleep but it was broken, with early morning waking, I used to find food shopping hard shopping for 3 not 4 and not picking food that I know he liked. I used to hate waking up and him not being there and the huge wave of realization that it wasn't a bad dream it was all so real....the list is endless...the panic about the future, the loss.......

 

 

It does reduce, you will cope, it does get better, you get control over your life, just like you did before you met your husband...you start to see glimmers of light and start to enjoy doing things for yourself and not

for him, giving to yourself....not giving to a taker

 

You need to allow yourself to grieve....

 

If you have decided that there is no hope of working things out, then soon you need to make important changes...money...kids..home.....reduce contact, keep it minimal kids/finance, don't allow emotional chit chat it just kills you, especially if he ends up being heartless! We tried to keep things civil but My exh action, attitude has taken my breath away, I have no idea who this man is!?!?

 

... tried to work it all out...there is no point! You'll never be able to work it out and he doesn't deserve a single moment of my thoughts.

 

 

Take a look at my posts "and others" to see how they and I have been/coped and we are all doing now, what advice was given... it helps

 

Take your time ...take things a day at a time, try not to put too much pressure on yourself ...focus on your kids...except help of others xxxxxxx hugs xxxxxxx

Edited May 11, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[rolo99]

I have been reading around and am just blown away by how many are writing they are in a marriage for such and such years but have not been happy just go through the motions don't know how to tell the spouse ect. Could someone please give me there perspective on how exactly that works? My husband came home three nights ago and said he was leaving that he hasn't been happy for some time I was blindsided in my mind we were very happy we were very affectionate couple we were one of those couples other couples hated always touchy feely always holding hands even in the car so how could he have been faking that what am I missing please someone that is going through it tell me how could have been so blind so stupid I feel like I don't even know who I was married to for 15 years devastating

 

Sounds very familiar to what I heard on March 11, after 13 years of marriage (no kids). I can't offer any advice other than sock away cash and get a lawyer...quickly.

[coaches24]

I have been reading around and am just blown away by how many are writing they are in a marriage for such and such years but have not been happy just go through the motions don't know how to tell the spouse ect. Could someone please give me there perspective on how exactly that works? My husband came home three nights ago and said he was leaving that he hasn't been happy for some time I was blindsided in my mind we were very happy we were very affectionate couple we were one of those couples other couples hated always touchy feely always holding hands even in the car so how could he have been faking that what am I missing please someone that is going through it tell me how could have been so blind so stupid I feel like I don't even know who I was married to for 15 years devastating

 

Yep I know exactly what you mean. How can someone pretend that everything is just fine? How can they come home every day say how much they love you, how great you are etc etc. Leave in the morning with a hug and kiss and "I love you " worry about you when you aren't home etc. Then one day turn and say "I don't love you and I'm not sure I ever did"?. And in all that time ( 9 years together and 7 years marriage in my case) they say they were unhappy for years but never said a word.

 

Not only that but how do they not realize or care about what this is/ will do to a child?

[Gunny376]

When it comes to sleep, I've tried it all, up to and including alcohol.

 

Alcohol ~ and self medicating with illegal / and ~ or prescription drugs is a really really, really bad idea.

 

I tried Melatonin for awhile. But then I read an article in one of Mrs. Gunny's women's magazine and it suggested Valerian Root, 450mg. I take 900 mg, (the bottle says you can take up to 5 -450 mg capsules) of Valerian Root with Passion Root.

 

It promotes relaxation and tranquil rest. I took 5 -450 mg but that was too much. Its over the counter, non-prescription, and found in the vitamin and supplement section of your local pharmacy.

 

It doesn't induce sleep, but for me it just helps to quite my thoughts, settles my mind and allows me to finally go to sleep ~ even though I may lay there in bed for a couple minutes. It can leave you a bit "groggy" the next morning, but you'll have to adjust the dosage to your height ~ weight ratio as per any medication of supplement you may take.

 

As I was saying I tried Melatonin, another over the counter, non-prescription supplement available in the vitamin ~ supplement section. It did help with my sleep but I backed off of it when Dr. Oz had a guest that wasn't too happy with how people were using it? He didn't say there was necessary anything wrong with it, but he did say that there just hadn't been enough research on it.

 

I also tried the new Zzzzquil. It worked but its expensive, and is intended only as a tempoary soultion.

 

Hope this helps

 

Gunny

[Gunny376]

[COLOR=#f35b00]Valerian[/COLOR] Root, 450mg. I take 900 mg, (the bottle says you can take up to 5 -450 mg capsules) of Valerian Root with Passion Root.

 

It promotes relaxation and tranquil rest.

 

It doesn't promote sleep ~ BUT it definately does quite ~ stop the endless "loop" of too much thinking! It calms me and quiets me, puts my mind at rest!

[Simpleoldschool]

I find it alarming, peoples measure of their commitment is so conditional.

 

To be quite honest. Everyone, expecially married should not think along the lines of options in a relationship. This is the person you chose to be with. Deep down everyone wants to be loved. Plain and simple. Humans are social and emotional. Touching, kissing etc etc should never just be something to do just for its simple pleasure.

 

Society has reached a point in its culture in america and around the world.

The rules of the day

Instant gratification ( take everything for granted no deeper meaning provided. Creates emotionally depricated and uncaring people.)

 

Feminism - teachs women self-love but outside the norm and influences narcisistic and hatefull behaviour. Feminism actual causes certain men to only entertain sexual theorys about women.

 

Personal value system/self-relative values. Excludes acceptance if acceptance is not a value.

 

Im trying to make a point. People stay in marriages that are unhappy because they are confused about what love is. This generation. If im happy and having sex im in love. Thats the culture trademark its why 95% or marriages fail.

 

Some stay because of fear. Its familiar even though its painfull, but mostly confusion with what feelings they have for the person and how this person is valued in comparison to what they want and what options they have. You ask me, all marriages will continue to fail. Into your second and third and fourth and fifth. Look at people with 30+ years.

 

Also its no one elses responsibility to make someone happy. Happyness is shared and also the result of love and good care. If you make someone responsible for your happiness, they will fail because your expectations will always become mote than who and what they are, the reason you loved them in the first place.

 

To me, people will be far more in love when they think less about what they want and more about what they can give. There is tenseness in todays air. Its a quiet war in average day life. People just really are selfish. Its plain to see.

 

To me love will always be charecterized by your capacity to think and feel about others as you do yourself. But thats idealism. I dunno.

 

Sorry to hear about troubles. Im going through a D and you are all right. Reality bites. How could a husband or wife do such an awful thing. Marriage is about both people. Divorce is about one and what they want for themselves.

Edited May 12, 2013 by Simpleoldschool
Additional thoughts

[Simpleoldschool]

Also,

 

Love is not deserving of itself. The more you put into practice the more you will receive. Thats where talking comes in though. Today people are "poop" problem solvers and communicators. Their inability to communicate and problem solve with someone is the reason for marital frustration and a sort of "self-reliance".

[Mr. Lucky]

Could someone please give me there perspective on how exactly that works?

At least a significant portion of the time, it's triggered by getting close emotionally to a friend or workmate of the opposite sex that offers a sympathetic ear. And that person, unencumbered by history or the day-to-day dullness of an occasionally mundane or unsatisfactory life together, becomes exciting as you get pushed away. And so it begins...

 

Tinam, have you checked cellphone, email and social media records? Your unfortunate answer may lie there. And already feeling guilty, "I don't love you anymore" is easier to say than "I have feelings for someone else"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simpleoldschool]

Mr. Lucky

 

Do you think it takes more effort to divorce than to stay married?

 

For tinman there is hope.

 

Tin,

 

If you dont mind me calling you that any affair is surreal. It brings with it the emotions that get lost over time. I agree to an extent with lucky.

Emotional love, or infatuation fades over time. I think thats when you begin to know the most. Take solace in the fact that all affairs usually end, why? Because its built on a fictional unreality. There is no talking about bills, no serious decision making it is purely emotional for the married person as a form of rebound . Affairs usually end, when just like in marriage serious discussion takes place. Unlike marriage though, its a form of emotional replacement or simply emotional gratification. Almost all affairs end with a slight 1-6% chance of success.

[Techie Artist]

I think there are several factors that are changing the way that married folks relate and tolerate each other:

 

1. Questioning the constructs of religious marriage

2. Questioning the value and benefit of marriage

3. Impatience with unsatisfactory behavior

4. Enlightenment about psychology

 

If people (like me) raised in the church buy wholesale into the eternal union, we question why our marriage didn't work out. We have to dive into the Word. And I have found that my H did not treat me as Christ loved the Church. I'm not sure that I will ever be released from my vows. So, I know that I must sin and ask forgiveness. As I do this, it makes me question the "man" influence in the Bible's construction and Catholic manipulation. Keep men docile, keep women in their place, establish order to control the masses and make them more predictable, protect the family structure.

 

Furthermore, as we investigate the business transaction of marriage, we put a dollar value, timeframe, and tolerance level on what we'll be able to handle. Although we vow to be there for better or worse, we speak under our breath with "as long as it's not too crazy". We're envisioning a life "riding into the sunset" rather than the nightmare it could become. So if the spouse is too intolerable, we feel we are right to preserve (value) ourselves and move on. We don't self sacrifice unto death...which really is what Christ did.

 

We do not have a lot of patience for dealing with an abuser, a jerk, a narcissist...and as Mr Gunny says...the taker. Plus, all of this presumes that we have a good idea of the person we're marrying before we make a life with them. Even though I went thru premarital counseling via our pastor, there were serious topics untouched and information withheld on my spouse's part. I am not willing to tolerate my H's unsatisfactory behavior, especially when our kids are watching and absorbing the passive venom.

 

And this is rooted in a worldly knowledge of mental health and relationships. So, we get counsel to "get away" from the abuser/taker. We don't ever advise someone to stick out a questionable relationship for fear they are in danger...and maybe this is right.

 

So, this is why D is so high. I don't think it's because we are bad people. It's because we're in an age of enlightenment. We question our situation, our place, our role, our responsibilities, and our motives.

Edited May 13, 2013 by Techie Artist
typo

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky

 

Do you think it takes more effort to divorce than to stay married?

 

No I think that staying married requires more effort. And that normally makes sense as the potential return is greater - life intact, family together, history together validated.

 

Certainly no proof that tinam's spouse is having or contemplating an affair. But were I to receive the "I love you but..." speech, determining my spouse's fidelity (and therefore their perceived options) would be first on my list...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tinam]

I don't know if he's having an affair. He wouldn't give me any details all he said is yes I slept with someone else and yes like you said I'm almost positive it is with someone he works with that makes perfect sense to me he's at work more than he's at home and we are struggling a lot financially so that makes sense that maybe he had a close friend that he spoke to and that's just it develop into more other than our financial problems we had no other problems in my mind