To those who are in a marriage but are not happy..

[tinam]

Thanks so much Dan. Sucks hard is an understatement! I feel so numb today. Got up said screw him started going over finances seeing what im able to do cause we still haven't talked and i don't even know what he plans to help with. How much does he have yo help with. Im dreading out that we're gonna be screwed . Id like to think he would never do that but i don't have any clue who this man is right now.

I haven't said anything negative from the very beginning even at my angriest mind.my daughter asking me why every night i say the bed i know to say. She asked to day home and hang with me yesterday, she's 11. She went to her school counselor. She hhelped Gaveher a journal. That's helped me alto too. I keep it by me. Whenever i get emotional i start writing like crazy. He's coming to talk finally tomorrow when he takes kids. Im dreading it and looking foward to it. I just dint know what im hoping for or expexting . Closer would be good.

[coaches24]

Thanks so much Dan. Sucks hard is an understatement! I feel so numb today. Got up said screw him started going over finances seeing what im able to do cause we still haven't talked and i don't even know what he plans to help with. How much does he have yo help with. Im dreading out that we're gonna be screwed . Id like to think he would never do that but i don't have any clue who this man is right now.

I haven't said anything negative from the very beginning even at my angriest mind.my daughter asking me why every night i say the bed i know to say. She asked to day home and hang with me yesterday, she's 11. She went to her school counselor. She hhelped Gaveher a journal. That's helped me alto too. I keep it by me. Whenever i get emotional i start writing like crazy. He's coming to talk finally tomorrow when he takes kids. Im dreading it and looking foward to it. I just dint know what im hoping for or expexting . Closer would be good.

 

I feel for you as I know the sick feeling right after finding out all too well. My wife hasn't cheated I don't believe and still lives with us but there is nothing there emotionally on her end so we don't really communicate except for small talk here and there. I feel like my life is on hold waiting for her to figure out what she wants. My daughter is only 4 but asks me why mommy doesn't sleep in our room anymore or why mommy isn't home when she stays out late. I asked my wife to start talking to her about what's going on because its not fair that I get to deal with all the questions and fears, and that she needs to be able to talk to her as well about what's going on. Even though she's only 4 she knows things are wrong and has questions about why things have changed so much. My wife never did give me an answer on whether she would talk to our daughter or not.

 

Being that I found out my wife's feelings on Easter I am a few weeks ahead of you in the coping dept. I was a complete wreck the first couple weeks. I've since calmed down but I still feel a big weight on my chest and am in a constant state of "stressed out". Saw the Dr yesterday and my blood pressure was a little high for the first time in my life ( Im 40 now). So I know the stress is causing that. I've taken to making my own decisions for me and making sure that I get out and do things I want to do so Im not stuck at home concentrating on our issues and going crazy. My advice for you is get with some friends and start doing things with them. Even if you don't feel like it ( which if your like me you probably don't right now) and start going out here and there and doing something you enjoy. You have to make yourself at first but then you start feeling better and a sense of entitlement that you deserve to be happy too damn it and if your significant other wont help you be happy then it's on you to do it yourself.

[WreckedDan]

I totally agree with Coaches... Or I should say I would agree with him.

 

I personally am still stuck in the mind set that the only things I enjoy doing was spending time with my wife and daughter. People will tell you to get a new hobby... Spend time outdoors... Do the things you used to do...

 

My relationship was 13 years, yours was 15... I don't know about you but I Can't remember doing anything with out my wife... BUT, know this, as your mind begins to process this, you will go through some seriously difficult emotions, you will go back and forth between absolute despair, and the wonderful (you will come to look forward to this) numbness. I've found that it's your mind literally chewing on your emotions and digesting the change you are going through. It's really REALLY hard to control this. Your mind is being flushed with chemicals that are going to make it hard to think straight. I was seriously suicidal multiple times over the last month.. This is your brain reacting and trying to protect itself, hard to ignore but call the suicide hotline if you ever get to that point... 1-800-784-2433 This number has saved me more than once. Also call it if you are in a crisis, they will talk you down. I've been stuck at work bawling my eyes out and called them for 20 minutes just to get myself to stop crying so I could work.

 

I'm telling you all this so you will be prepared... It's going to get harder before it gets easier... Stay strong for your daughter, she will get you through. I wish my daughter was 11 then she could choose to live with me and I would be far less insecure of my future...

 

If you like you can PM me and I'll give you my phone number, you can call me any time you need to chat and get things off your chest. I never sleep any more...

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Start writing down EVERYTHING! If he is late for something, if he says something, if your child lets something slip, times, dates, etc... this will help you BIG time! Not just journaling which seems to help some, but tracking progress and anything he does to slip up, this will come in handy in the future.

 

I haven't had to use this yet but I see it will come in handy once this gets down to court etc...

 

Dan

[Mr. Lucky]

You will hear a lot of the same thing over this ...

1. Time heals all wounds (This is bull ****.... but it does turn wounds to scars and scars are a reminder)

2. Work on yourself (Unrealistic at this point... who you are/were was a wife and a mother. This is going to change who you are. What should be said is LEARN to be yourself again. Stay strong as you can and relearn how to be you... take your time, this will not happen fast by any means...)

3. Suck it up and live for your kids (Tell who ever tells you to suck it up to F*ck off... do not talk to these people any more! You have to grieve, you HAVE to. It's going to happen and it sucks hard.)

You hear those three things over and over because they're true for most people. You may not be ready for them now and so it becomes a sign that you're further down the road when you can accept them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tinam]

I totally agree with Coaches... Or I should say I would agree with him.

 

I personally am still stuck in the mind set that the only things I enjoy doing was spending time with my wife and daughter. People will tell you to get a new hobby... Spend time outdoors... Do the things you used to do...

 

My relationship was 13 years, yours was 15... I don't know about you but I Can't remember doing anything with out my wife... BUT, know this, as your mind begins to process this, you will go through some seriously difficult emotions, you will go back and forth between absolute despair, and the wonderful (you will come to look forward to this) numbness. I've found that it's your mind literally chewing on your emotions and digesting the change you are going through. It's really REALLY hard to control this. Your mind is being flushed with chemicals that are going to make it hard to think straight. I was seriously suicidal multiple times over the last month.. This is your brain reacting and trying to protect itself, hard to ignore but call the suicide hotline if you ever get to that point... 1-800-784-2433 This number has saved me more than once. Also call it if you are in a crisis, they will talk you down. I've been stuck at work bawling my eyes out and called them for 20 minutes just to get myself to stop crying so I could work.

 

I'm telling you all this so you will be prepared... It's going to get harder before it gets easier... Stay strong for your daughter, she will get you through. I wish my daughter was 11 then she could choose to live with me and I would be far less insecure of my future...

 

If you like you can PM me and I'll give you my phone number, you can call me any time you need to chat and get things off your chest. I never sleep any more...

 

Dan

 

You are so right. There is nothing i can do that doesn't remind me of him. I moved here right out if high school and we met and been together ever since. There's nothing in this town i haven't done without him. Can't go to a restaurant. Can't even watch tv cause we always did that together. Guess i need to find all new shows. Yes the pain is so unbearable at times i can barely stand it but my kids get me through every day. I know they Will and me for them. It just seems so impossible right now. Keep hearing this time heals wounds. Wish i could just sleep till that time is up. Having horrible day at work knowing he's with kids at the beach and that's what we used to do as a family. Torture. And the possibillity of talking for the first time since he left. If he bothers to stick around.

[coaches24]

You are so right. There is nothing i can do that doesn't remind me of him. I moved here right out if high school and we met and been together ever since. There's nothing in this town i haven't done without him. Can't go to a restaurant. Can't even watch tv cause we always did that together. Guess i need to find all new shows. Yes the pain is so unbearable at times i can barely stand it but my kids get me through every day. I know they Will and me for them. It just seems so impossible right now. Keep hearing this time heals wounds. Wish i could just sleep till that time is up. Having horrible day at work knowing he's with kids at the beach and that's what we used to do as a family. Torture. And the possibillity of talking for the first time since he left. If he bothers to stick around.

 

I don't know if this will help but here is how I am dealing with things. I refuse to let my wife have the power to destroy my life ( a LOT easier said than done I assure you). But when I go somewhere that "we used to go to" or watch something that "we" used to watch I decide if that was something I enjoyed or did I do that simply because she liked it? Most of the time I find it was something I liked and I'm not going to change what I like because I can't do it with her. I just now got back from an overnight trip to Tahoe. My wife and I have been there quite a few times together (I proposed to her there). As I walked around some areas we used to go to I was of course reminded of her and I do miss being there with her but I realized that I didn't like Tahoe because of her so I am not going to allow her to keep me from having fun there without her ( and I think she tried). She had a trip to Reno planned for a bachelorette party and left as soon as I got home saying only one word to me.... Bye. She gave me grief about not being able to go to Reno on Friday like she had planned because I wanted to get out of town for my 40th birthday. I simply told her to stop because my 40th birthday should be way more important than a bachlorette party for an old high school friend that she never sees since HS except on Facebook. I think that pissed her off but I'm to the point now that Im not letting her keep me down. I do still have breakdowns ( esspecially when Im alone, or when I am talking to friends about what's going on) but I also find myself coping much easier now by doing the things I like to do regardless of whether it was something we used to do together or not.