missunshine Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 awe guys, I have just found this site and I have been reading your stories on LDR... I am in a way, involved in one, although I am not really sure if we have ever said we are in a relationship.. It is someone I met on the internet... I know him for 6 months now, but the last three months we've been in love It happened so unexpectedly.. it never crossed my mind that it would come to this.. and I miss him so much now... I miss him... sooo I was reading all these stories, happy ones, but most of them sad ones and I have been wondering is this really the right way for us to be living our lives? it is so hard. and I keep wondering why complicate life when it is already complicated in its own way... love is supposed to be lovely, not painful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 11, 2013 Share Posted May 11, 2013 I'd say don't go into an LDR lightly, it's not for the faint hearted. I've been in one for 3 years, meeting every other month on average and it's very painful, the more attached we are the worse I am finding it to deal with and not sure how much longer I'll do it for. awe guys, I have just found this site and I have been reading your stories on LDR... I am in a way, involved in one, although I am not really sure if we have ever said we are in a relationship.. It is someone I met on the internet... I know him for 6 months now, but the last three months we've been in love It happened so unexpectedly.. it never crossed my mind that it would come to this.. and I miss him so much now... I miss him... sooo I was reading all these stories, happy ones, but most of them sad ones and I have been wondering is this really the right way for us to be living our lives? it is so hard. and I keep wondering why complicate life when it is already complicated in its own way... love is supposed to be lovely, not painful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missunshine Posted May 11, 2013 Author Share Posted May 11, 2013 I'd say don't go into an LDR lightly, it's not for the faint hearted. I've been in one for 3 years, meeting every other month on average and it's very painful, the more attached we are the worse I am finding it to deal with and not sure how much longer I'll do it for. I am really sorry to hear that... but you have endured for three years.. I don't think it's time for you to give up now, but to make the most of it and try to change it for the better... I just wonder why nothing has changed for such a long time? you both could have done something about it, three years is a really really long time.... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Missunshine, how many times have you met your online friend in person? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Neither of us can move, he was going to move but but his job transfer didn't happen two years ago and since then he took moving off the agenda. I am really sorry to hear that... but you have endured for three years.. I don't think it's time for you to give up now, but to make the most of it and try to change it for the better... I just wonder why nothing has changed for such a long time? you both could have done something about it, three years is a really really long time.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author missunshine Posted May 12, 2013 Author Share Posted May 12, 2013 Missunshine, how many times have you met your online friend in person? I have never met him Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 So when is he coming to meet you? He should come to you the first time to prove he is serious. When money and inconvenience are involved, people decide whether or not they want to continue the fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missunshine Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 So when is he coming to meet you? He should come to you the first time to prove he is serious. When money and inconvenience are involved, people decide whether or not they want to continue the fantasy. He was serious. He wanted to come, started planning the trip... He couldn't come right away, but in six months, which was ok, cause we were still getting to know each other more and more, but we both felt it was real and beautiful... However, I got cold feet I mean... I started thinking that even if we do see each other, and spend a couple of days together (cause that's how much I could take days off from work) , I started thinking of what's gonna happen afterwards... if we see it was the real thing, it was gonna be even harder than before.. I would have felt him in a different way and it would hurt so much not having him around afterwards.. so... I told him that we better wait a little longer, and not to plan the trip yet.. He wasn't happy about it all... But then some other things happened... it got more complicated.. now we are still in touch, trying to supress the feelings and trying to become friends that care about each other in more than a friendly way.. and see what time brings to us... it's still hard..just as it was before... I can't tell him how much I miss him and how much I want to hug him tight and kiss him good night.. That's why I am wondering how this all happened, but reading all these stories here I saw there are so many people in the same situation as us and reading the experinces helps me a little bit... although late at night when everything calms down, I have my moments and I think about all that happened and why does love have to hurt so much.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missunshine Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) is this a true statement? i didnt go to see her and she came to see me does that mean i wasnt serious?! im not sure i agree with you on that FitChick Iamo I agree with FitChick...still, the man is the one that should make the first move...in a way... but I guess it depends on the circumstances and whether he can allow himself to come..money, job, other obligations.. however, it doesn't have to mean that he doesn't care if he doesn't come first. You are an example of that Edited May 13, 2013 by missunshine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Yes it's irrelevant who goes to see who first, unless Fitchick meant just for a woman's safety, although not sure it's any safer if the man comes to her. Quite nice if for a first visit you can meet on neutral ground though, me and my partner did that first day we met, spent a couple of days in a city which was halfway for both of us and then came to mine for a few days more. is this a true statement? i didnt go to see her and she came to see me does that mean i wasnt serious?! im not sure i agree with you on that FitChick Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Why should a man make the first move??! A little old fashioned maybe, conventional nonsense more like! Iamo I agree with FitChick...still, the man is the one that should make the first move...in a way... but I guess it depends on the circumstances and whether he can allow himself to come..money, job, other obligations.. however, it doesn't have to mean that he doesn't care if he doesn't come first. You are an example of that Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 the way the modern world is, a man should come and visit. And at a public place, for the first couple of times. LDRs don't afford the luxury of knowing how a person is in the real world. The way women are treated these days.... Although. I am not against women visiting their LDRs -- entirely up to them. I wanted my ex to visit, when she moved up with her dad. Not out of my fear to travel...but for reasons.... LDRs are complicated and require near constant contact, as you lack physical contact, you have to develop emotional contact. This is good and bad...especially hard when it ends....for obvious reasons. If you can meet, go for it. If not...I'd either wait for something to open up or move on... Safety first(no one can deny who dangerous the world has become to women of all ages). Link to post Share on other sites
Author missunshine Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 I agree with you all... as much as you think you know someone, you might not really know him, which obviously you don't fully, since you have never been in it's surrounding... there are too many fake people in the world... anyway, at the beginning I was proposing we meet on a neutral terrain, but then after a while he started talking how it would be nice for him to come where I am... so that meant I have nothing to be afraid of I think..because he wouldn't have suggested coming on my territory if he wasn't serious and a good person...I think that makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missunshine Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 I know what you mean Iamo... I totally understand what you mean... but it's not like I live in some fancy city, it's right the opposite... he was ready to fly over the ocean and come see me... and I told him no he had plans of coming to Europe next year around this time, but decided to come earlier to see me..and then he would have came back again next year as he planned... I guess I will never find out if I am making the right decision... the only thing that bothers me is what after he comes to see me? one possibility is, of course, if we don't like each other in person and then we say bye as friends, and no hard feelings, but what if someone still feels the same and the other doesn't? or what if we do see that this is strong and beautiful, and we have to separate after those days of love.... ahh it's gonna hurt so much! Link to post Share on other sites
Author missunshine Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 "the only thing that bothers me is what after he comes to see me? one possibility is, of course, if we don't like each other in person and then we say bye as friends, and no hard feelings, but what if someone still feels the same and the other doesn't? or what if we do see that this is strong and beautiful, and we have to separate after those days of love.... " this is why. Link to post Share on other sites
kiwildr Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I am going through the same whole dilemma to. We met online and have been chatting every day since we met. I have also expressed my fears with him to I was always going to the US on holiday as I am fortunate enough with my job to be able to travel. We are meeting on neutral ground and in fact his drive time is close to my flight time about 15 hrs, so I feel both of us are putting in the effort. I have decided no one really knows the outcome until you finally meet in person, but if you are realistic in the sense that maybe you could be more suited as friends and you prepare yourself for that too. i mean you just don't know until you meet in person and if its one day out of your life or a week to find out if they are the right person it's much better than sitting there wondering. I figure either way I can't lose I will have either a great new friend or a new relationship. We both have discussed that we would like more and meeting in person is the final part. Good luck misssunshine I know exactly what you are going through and are preparing myself for when we meet early next month. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missunshine Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) thank you for sharing this with me kiwildr... you can tell we are in the same situation, except I don't know how long have you two been in contact (we have been around 8 months now)... the only difference is that I am not that fortunate to be able to travel, especially not to the US, however he offered to come so I guess that wasn't such a big problem for us... I do agree with what you say, you can only gain, either a new relationship or a wonderful friendship...I am aware of that... but have you thought about what's gonna happen after you meet? have you talked about anything connected with the future? and kiwildr I have got my fingers crossed for you!!! I really really really hope you two will have a wonderful time and I know you will be soooo happpy to be with him...I know I would be! please come back, and tell me how it all went I will be waiting to hear a happy story :* Edited May 13, 2013 by missunshine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I make the man come visit me first because if it doesn't work out, he is the one out of pocket. The men I date can afford it more than I can. If it works out, we will both be traveling back and forth for a while but I will be the one who has to get rid of everything I own to be with him if we decide to marry. I have more to lose. I learned my lesson the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
daletom Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 . . . I have been wondering is this really the right way for us to be living our lives? . . . That can be a tough question. I know you have seen some of my posts. (Thanks for the "Like".) You can read more of my LDR experience in the posts at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/381818-any-tips-experiences-first-meet-up-met-her-online#post4807451 and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/390794-brand-new-here-ldr-will-meeting-him-first-time-month#post4877436 . I suggest you also read what I wrote toward the end of the post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/384228-i-wish-i-never-waited-have-sex-i-m-26-love-sex-4.html#post4872915 I hope you can look past my shameless self-promotion; I truly think those comments may be useful to you. I will ask you to consider what you expect in your life. At least for the next, say, 5 - 10 years. Though I have never experienced anything even close to it, I suspect people might enjoy having a geographically separated romantic interest, connecting via the host of electronic methods now available, periodically meeting for exciting and romantic flings, feeling close and intimate but not getting TOO close and intimate. On the other hand, I experienced an LDR that developed, in a little over a year, into a life partnership and marriage that has spanned nearly four decades, three kids, and a bunch of less adventurous (in fact, quite boring and routine) experiences. After 3-1/2 months of writing letters I met my LDR face-to-face, and had our first date. In all honesty I was quite attracted to her (and her to me) before we met, but not ready to say I was "in love". After that first in-person meeting I was giving serious consideration to the possibility that we would be life partners. Does that kind of scenario attract, or frighten, you? I don't think you can truly love a person you haven't met. You may love a fantasy you have created (and I don't use "fantasy" in a condescending or pejorative sense, but I can't think of a synonym with an unambiguously positive connotation). But you don't truly love the complex, unique, person that he/she really is. That takes time and personal contact. In our case, the LDR ended a few weeks after our initial meeting, and we were able (with some effort on both our parts) to shift to a relationship with in-person contact, eventually on a weekly basis. I think a significant factor was that our early dating was done as houseguests of each other's families. That experience taught us a lot about each other, that wouldn't have come easily in a traditional "dating" relationship, and probably not at all in the LDR. One way to gauge your love for each other is by how much individuality each of you will sacrifice for the sake of the "us" that is developing. One obvious example is how much of his vocation he would risk to be closer to you. Or, would you risk it to be closer to him. I guess that in summary I'm saying your LDR will never advance much beyond what you have now - the longing of separation interposed with brief contacts, continuing indefinitely - if you can't create some way to have more in-person contact. As I mentioned above, that may be acceptable. Or maybe not. As for questions of who travels, who pays, etc - all other factors being equal, the gentleman travels and pays. But in current western culture, women have rough equality to men in social status, legal rights and obligations, pay and career opportunities, etc. This makes me modify my guideline toward "whoever has the means, opportunity, and motivation may choose to do the traveling and paying - but is not obligated to do so". Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 This doesn't mean the same applies in every LDR though, it's just that you had a bad experience. If you wouldn't like to be the one to give up everything why not choose someone more likely to move to you... I make the man come visit me first because if it doesn't work out, he is the one out of pocket. The men I date can afford it more than I can. If it works out, we will both be traveling back and forth for a while but I will be the one who has to get rid of everything I own to be with him if we decide to marry. I have more to lose. I learned my lesson the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'm female, my partner is male No, I went on my own, I felt happier meeting on neutral ground just in case he wasn't what I expected, although felt it was very unlikely after time on skype and long calls every night for nearly 4 months, a couple of friends were a bit worried about me going to meet a stranger (not that he felt like one, but better to be cautious) and they called to make sure I was ok. yh neutral ground is probabaly the best. HeavenOrHell- did she come with a friend also? Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Not sure what you mean by 'the way the modern world is'? I don't go along with what the 'done thing' is or what men or women should do according to their gender roles. I agree women have to be very careful though, so whatever is safest for her. I met my partner at a train station and felt within minutes that he was safe and that he was the same IRL as he was online and phone, we stayed in a hotel, if I hadn't felt 100% comfortable I wouldn't have stayed with him. My friends knew which hotel I was in and everything. However I would NOT recommend this to other women! the way the modern world is, a man should come and visit. And at a public place, for the first couple of times. LDRs don't afford the luxury of knowing how a person is in the real world. The way women are treated these days.... Although. I am not against women visiting their LDRs -- entirely up to them. I wanted my ex to visit, when she moved up with her dad. Not out of my fear to travel...but for reasons.... LDRs are complicated and require near constant contact, as you lack physical contact, you have to develop emotional contact. This is good and bad...especially hard when it ends....for obvious reasons. If you can meet, go for it. If not...I'd either wait for something to open up or move on... Safety first(no one can deny who dangerous the world has become to women of all ages). Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 "the only thing that bothers me is what after he comes to see me? one possibility is, of course, if we don't like each other in person and then we say bye as friends, and no hard feelings, but what if someone still feels the same and the other doesn't? or what if we do see that this is strong and beautiful, and we have to separate after those days of love.... " this is why. This is why you should go ahead and meet in person as soon as possible. Until then, you're investing in a fantasy and avoiding ALL the potentialities of real life. If it works it works, if not then you can move on and quit devoting your valuable real-life time and emotions on these what if scenarios. I did a LDR for a year and a half (ultimately didn't work out). It was wonderful, very real and I'll always treasure the experience, but I wouldn't willingly choose LDR again. The only reason to is if the relationship is just magical and it feels like you're destined to be together. If that's the case, put a timetable on one of you moving and be serious about it. Just as in the case of putting off the first meeting, it's easy to fall into a comfort zone and put off being together indefinitely. When this happens you're essentially putting your life on hold for something that may never happen––a fantasy. Don't live in a fantasy, and don't blur the lines between reality and fantasy. Be real and live fully. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
daletom Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 . . . put a timetable on one of you moving and be serious about it. Just as in the case of putting off the first meeting, it's easy to fall into a comfort zone and put off being together indefinitely. When this happens you're essentially putting your life on hold for something that may never happen––a fantasy. Don't live in a fantasy, and don't blur the lines between reality and fantasy. Be real and live fully. Sounds like good advice to me. Link to post Share on other sites
kiwildr Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 Hi misssunshine I have been chatting online for two months, I guess like any new person you date or are going out with you like to keep some mystery about what will happen after you meet or in the future as you don't really know. He has said he would like to come to NZ if it all works out and it will really depend on how things go, although we both are enthusiastic about just being able to hang out and go biking and hiking etc...and spending time with one another. Meeting in person we have both decided is the final piece we both know we are into one another so the meeting is the final touch. He has also said he would like it to be more than friends and that's how I feel to, we are both quite fortunate as we have jobs that you could do anywhere in the world from a computer but I think I am the one that is more travelled and for me the move would be fine I work in travel to and for a large part of my life have lived in different countries, but if he wanted to move here I don't have a problem with that either as long as it is what we are both happy with. I will definitely keep you updated to, and hope you meet him in person to and that we both have a happy outcome it certainly is nerve racking the initial build up to meeting in person but I feel excited too.Wishing you lots of good luck too Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts