Not working out so great

[Lonestar]

As most of you know, I'm dating my ex-husband again after a 2.5 year break. I'm beginning to feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and that there's this constant power struggle going on between us. Things are picking up where they left off and obviously that's bad since we broke up then. There seems to be no road to the "honeymoon period" because there are too many resentments present. There are some days he seems incredibly in love and close to me, and others where he's distant. He told me he loves me a few times, most recently Friday night. Saturday morning and all day he was distant, and while we were discussing something about us, he said, referring to me "... someone I care about" instead of "...someone I love."

 

He is also still keeping me a secret from everyone in his life. I always know when he's backing off because he starts to say something about us moving too fast. This is all annoying the hell out of me. I don't have time for this crap, and my life was way too peaceful to deal with it all again. I love him more than anything, but it's not fair that he thinks I should just be able to drop the things he did to me in the past. He expects me to trust him 100% completely. I don't think that's fair. If I back off and don't call, he starts calling me repeatedly to finds out what's wrong and why I'm not paying attention to him. As soon as I start paying attention again, he backs off and makes me feel like I'm smothering him. My God can my head spin any harder?????? How do I handle this because nothing is worth emotional upheaval as far as I'm concerned.

 

Getting back together is not easy work. It's not, and I don't think I'm up to it. Love should be easy, and this is hard.

 

 

Edited to say now you can all watch my second chance fail...

[Heartagram]

I wish I had the experience under my belt to advise you, but this all just seems pretty natural in terms of your relationship...you're both still reeling from the first breakup and trying to find where you can proceed in your reunion.

 

I think it's a man's thing to concel from friends and family getting back with his ex for a while, because of stubborness "Yeah I made a decision to end it, so I can't just GO BACK, you know!" That's what it is feeling like in my situation, at least. My ex is a bit proud so if this ever works in favor of reunion then he'll probably react the same way.

 

I don't want to watch your success story fall apart...just take things slowly and be conscious of the fact that both of you made the moves to get back together so that's a good thing. All you're feeling now are the reprocussions of past mistakes. I think you can both get through it in time.

[Lonestar]

Wow! Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it, and yes it's rough because there were so many past mistakes, but we keep trying for some reason.

 

He sent me a dozen roses today for my birthday.

[Heartagram]

awesome! I'm ecstatic for you on the gift!

 

Your story gives people hope...myself included. We're cheering you on.

[Lonestar]

When I first posted that about him changing from day to day, I forgot to mention that I'm doing the same thing. I just don't see it as clearly when "I" do it.

 

This is going to be a tough road, but I know we both want it and we're both willing to try. I think we've grown up a lot since our breakup. So much happened in our personal lives over the past 2.5 years that made us mature on many levels. I hope it's enough to make it work, because I've realized over the past couple days that I really do love this man more than anything. What started out as sex only has turned into a second chance gift.

 

Here are some of the good things he's told me.... he regrets so much of what he did to me in the past, he never wanted a divorce and completely regrets not trying harder back then, he admits he made a mistake, he thought about me many times over the years and wished on several occasions that we could have been together to do things with our daughter. He also told me that he has never felt with another woman the way he feels with me... never... no one has ever felt this way to him. He wants things to work out and he wants us to be together again, but he's afraid of us making the same mistakes that we did in the past, and that's why he wants to move so slow, but he also realizes that he contradicts himself from day to day when his emotions move much faster.

 

I swear this all began for sex and sex only, at least I thought it was that. How did it go from just sex to love in a matter of two and one half months?? The first night we had sex again was 4th of July. I think that's kinda cool.

[Heartagram]

And people say having sex again never helps? LOL...I guess it doesn't hurt sometimes! On the serious side, I guess the cosmos were totally in order for you that night.

 

I have no idea how you were able to make it through the long time apart!! I'm hurting and it's only been 5 weeks, ack!

 

Maybe I don't remember your story too well but when was it that the lines of communication reopened? Did it take a special event or did it just happen? How'd you happen to even get to have a night like July 4th?

[backspn]

If a guy sends you a dozen red roses then he still loves you. Just take it slow now and play a lil hard to get for a while. He'll be putty in your hands.....play it right.

[Lonestar]

Heartagram,

 

I don't know why people say don't have sex until they prove worthy of it or whatever. I suppose that's for people hung up on being used for sex. I don't have a problem at my age (38) with sex just being sex, and good, familiar sex is even better.

 

Here's the story in nutshell:

 

We barely spoke for a couple years. Although we have a child together, we managed to set it up so family members were the "go betweens". When our daughter turned two, I went back to work, and we had no choice but to start communicating because of daycare, etc. We started to really work together as parents, especially during one period when our daughter got sick for about 10 days. We each juggled days off from work and saw each other or spoke almost daily. At that point I really liked just talking to him again, but then I started to feel physically attracted and thinking of him sexually non stop.

 

The sex was always good, so I got the balls to call him up and leave a message saying that I thought we should use each other for sex. That was a few days before the 4th. He came over that night and we never stopped "using" each other. It really was just sex at the time, but the feelings came flooding back for both of us very quickly. I don't know why. I suppose we had only buried the love.

 

It took a lot of courage for me to propose that, even though I only wanted sex, because I took the chance of rejection. At the time, I didn't really care, though. I kinda even looked at it as a joke.

 

There are a few people who do not approve of us trying to work things out, but then, those people don't matter a rat's ass in my life. Yes, it was a terrible divorce, but if two people can still come together again after something like that, then there must be a strong bond between them, and it took hurting each other and being apart to realize we f***ed up.

[Heartagram]

Yeah, screw those hippies who say you can't work it out.

 

I say as long as both parties are willing to work on themselves and the relationship, then it's totally worth trying again. Sometimes it takes a big mistake to realize what you have in life...isn't that the hope of almost everyone reading this forum? Thank goodness it's actually happened in your case.

 

My ex and I are forced to speak under work circumstances, not as intimate as having a child together like you and yours but making music is an emotional thing. Will be interesting to see how our first practice back after 5 weeks will be tomorrow.

 

Keep us updated as things go along!!! All my love.

[Lonestar]

You and your ex are in a band together? Yes, that is an intimate thing, and it's a relationship all in itself. I have many friends who are musicians, including my son. I played the piano for years when I was a kid and just took up guitar with some major dedication, but I've never played in a band. My goal is to be out playing with my friends in two years time before I hit 40.

 

I'm assuming your practice is today or was it yesterday. It had to be. I couldn't post yesterday because I had surgery (nothing serious). So how did it go?

[Heartagram]

Hey glad to hear the surgery wasn't serious...I'd be worried hehe.

 

Actually practice is tonight and I'm biting my fingernails in worry. It's like...in one way I got comfortable not speaking to him too much because I would just think in a calm rational way about the next time we'd see each other. But now that its going to be a reality tonight I'm freaked out.

 

Basically...we got close after working together in the band, had a relationship that was really good for a year an 9 months to the day and then he broke up with me. It was after a little tiff we had asbout spending more time with each other (he's really busy with family issues and two jobs...maybe I was being selfish but it needed tocome out eventually). It was a weird night but I thought we'd gotten over it. But nope. This was about 5 weeks ago.

 

I don't know...part of me really does believe he broke up with me because he couldn't dedicate himself fully to the relationship right now but the other part is like...that's bull****! Then again my friends said he's a child of divorce so he didn't know how to handle the episode you had and he backed out. He always had a problem taking about emotions. Whatever...I have no idea.

 

Obviously I still care but...I gotta try to pullthrough this practice...that's all I know. Sorry for ranting lol.

 

And definitely...you should get out with friends and jam! It's so much fun!!

 

And I'm assuming all else is well on your relationship front?

[Lonestar]

No, the surgery was elective. I got fixed/spayed, but I'm in a little pain right now. It's all worth it though. Synthetic hormones decrease my sexual desire, and now that I've reached my sexual prime for a woman, I want to experience what's it feels like to be an 18 year old boy who can't get enough. LMAO.

 

Yeah, things are going well with the ex, but it's been a difficult week. Someone close to him died, so he's had a hard time recently. I'm just sitting back being as supportive as I can be without smothering him, and now's not really the time to work on our relationship until he gets through this. He has been calling me a few times a day for support and stopped by earlier this afternoon before I passed out from exhaustion. For some reason I thought I could run errands today one day after surgery. D'oh me!

 

So you've not had a practice in five weeks? Is that why you haven't talked? I've no idea what his reason could have been for breaking up with you, but you'd have to ask him that straight out, I suppose. Maybe he just didn't want to spend more time with anyone, but most guys don't bust up with someone over a conversation about it. I hope the practice goes well. Just play it cool, enjoy what you're doing musically, and pretend you're doing fine. He'll probably eventually want you back when he gets over his crap. Let me know how it went.

 

 

I've been playing my guitar since 8:00 EST. My fingers hurt, but I have to go practice a bit more before bed. Wanna see my GEEtar?? It's the pink one.

 

http://www.electricguitar.50megs.com/paisley.htm

[Heartagram]

Wow, kickass guitar you got there! It’s pretty, and I’m sure it plays like a dream. It is a Fender! Mine’s an old Epiphone solid body cream colored guitar…it’s actually technically not MINE, it’s my ex’s…my guitar was stolen and he let me have this til I could afford a new one.

 

Sorry to hear about the death that your ex-husband (now-boyfriend? lol) has to deal with…that is definitely a trying time. You’re doing the right thing by not smothering him. I’m sure he’s appreciating you even more as time goes by with all the support you’re giving him. He is a lucky bum! And with the “spaying”? Wow! Even luckier I would add, lol!

 

So band practice came and went…we hadn’t had practice in a month because there were no shows coming up and he was busy with his movie project so that’s pretty much why (and maybe he just wouldn’t have felt comfortable seeing me)…as for last night…all I know for sure is never to expect any miracles, though on second thought the evening did go as well as it could’ve. We had a functional practice and I didn’t blow up or get emotional or anything. I went in with my new hairdo, a nice outfit, looking as relaxed as possible. It killed me inside but I acted mature when I saw him. He was astute enough to notice the hair and compliment it. We were able to joke around with each other and he was able to say a sorta private joke to me which was suprising.

 

I can’t read him though because he’s hard to so I gave up on trying. I just hope I did the right thing by easing the atmosphere and talking to him on a friendly level. I still don’t really understand his reasons for breaking up (I did ask him in the beginning and he said it’s because he doesn’t have the time for a relationship with all that’s going on…and I made the mistake of pressing him and him eventually blowing up and saying there was no chance to get together even though originally it was just a “I’m not sure”) but I doubt this is the time to pull him aside and ask him anything more. I think it really stems from his fear of relationships breaking up…his mom divorced twice, his best friend just got a divorce, etc. The “fight” we had scared him or something.

 

So…do I just let him do his thing and not even concern myself until he seems more at ease? ::shrugs:: I’m totally lost lol. I value you opinion since you’ve been through an even tougher time than I have.

[Lonestar]

Sorry I took so long to respond. I had a rough day or so with recovering from surgery. I keep going out shopping and then wipe myself out. Last night I was in bed spinning for hours, but I'm okay now. I have to accept I'm not superwoman. No BS, I am superwoman!!

 

Yes, keep letting him do his thing. I think it's always okay to let the other person know how you feel as long as you know he's not the type of person to use it against you. If you want him back you can let him know that, calmly and rationally, but say it once and that's it. Then sit back, live your life, look happy, keep busy, laugh even if you have to fake it, get out of the house, date other people, and let him come back to you. If six months goes by and he still hasn't come back, there's nothing wrong with flirting with him on occasion, or as I did, letting him know you want to use him for sex. LOL

 

I think you handled the situation beautifully. You seem like a very smart woman with great self-esteem who just misses her guy. I don't think you'll be single for long, and if he can't see what he's missing now, he'll see it when some other guy has it. His loss.

 

I have to get ready. My ex husband, now boyfriend, is taking me and our daughter to another fair. I don't really think he wants to go to the fair again, but more looking for something that the three of us can do as a family. It's absolutely so sweet to watch him plan these things. My X is a bad boy (probably why I like to have sex with him so much), he's also prideful, and doesn't easily show his emotions. So to see him try so hard at making us work and our family work, makes my heart beat that much more faster for him. I'm not even feeling up to walking around a fair, but I'll do it for him. I think I'm in love. hehe

[weweregods]

I suggest that you do this... Ignore all of his emotions. Ignore how he is acting. Agree instantly and happily with anything he says - especially if it is wrong (and God knows, a lot of it will be.) Blame yourself for everything, even for stuff that you didn't have anything to do with - don't share the blame or blame him as this will take away your power in the relationship. If you made it wrong, then you can fix it or choose to ignore it. This will throw him off balance, which is good for you as it will make him re-examine his feelings. Don't let him get too comfortable - that was the problem in the first place. Worry him a little bit that he might loose you age. You can do this by acting indifferent. Stop saying 'I love you', even when he says it... Brush it off. Act happy about it, but confused like he is doing. He thinks that you are the same person that you were. Suprise him by showing him how strong and independent you really are. Push him back a little, and he will stop pushing away from you! It works like magic, trust me!

[Heartagram]

Hehhe! Enjoy the fair, girlfriend! I'm glad he's putting all this effort into the relationship. That's the way it should be. These past few weeks have been crazy but good for you I'm sure. Speaking of fairs, I gotta find myself an Octoberfest to go to around here...

 

Thanks for the advice, both you and weweregods...I just everything works out in some cosmic way. I'm trying to be patient, but that's definitely not one of my strong points lol. It sucks because I keep running into his family and friends. I could walk anywhere around this town and get reminded of him. Crazy.

 

I guess operation "play it cool and look good doing it" is in progess. We have a show together this week so I'll do my damndest there lol.

 

It's so hard to act indifferent though!

 

Have a good weekend, we'll all check in again next week.

[2ndConfusedfemale]

Hey Lonestar...

 

...I just wanted to give my .02 cents. I think that the no. 1 thing that needs to be addressed is that you BOTH want to work on being together again. If you BOTH really want to be together enough you can be together. With that being said, "reuniting" can be difficult because you don't really know how far you should/shouldn't go, you ask yourself am I calling too much/not enough etc. So, what I would suggest is that you both sit down and talk about every single thing that led to the destruction of the relationship, even the little stupid stuff. For example, if when he "withdraws" it makes you feel unloved then you both will suffer from miscommunication and eventually end up back where you were. You'll think that maybe he doesn't care, and you'll start behaving differently, and already you both would be creating distance in the relationship and that is something that you don't want to do.

 

...so, after you both address the communication problems/breakdowns, and how it both gets negative reactions talk about what can be done to avoid those problems.

 

...and keep in mind (I always think about this regarding my situation with trying to be 'friends' with the first guy I've ever had feelings for who had a girlfriend the whole time) that you can't do what you've always done and expect to get different results.

[Heartagram]

Hey Lonestar just checking in on how things are on your end and giving my update...

 

I'm having a tough week only because the band had a show and it was rough seeing him in the flesh again...last week's practice was fine but the show wasn't because he brought a friend around. It wasn't a girlfriend but I had this reaction that was so disheartening and scary...I KNOW for a fact they aren't dating at all and it's just someone he brought along to fill in the crowd (which is something we all did) but it still sucked. I feel like I'm at square one again. He's been nice to me, called me a pet name on our conversation of two days ago and was good to me today when I needed some help (advice on a doctor for my dad)...but I'm just shook up. He gave me back my cds (though burned me one I wanted as an extra). That kinda sucked but I guess you can't look into these things.

 

Hope things are better for you.

[Lonestar]

Oh wow, that would have upset me too, whether it was just a friend or not, it's bad timing. Anyway, there's nothing you can do about it now, but good for you for not letting him know how you felt. Next time he does that, act real happy to see the girl he brought along (if you know her). If not, introduce yourself, chat with her likes she's your new best pal, go just a little overboard in the friendliness department. I would say bring someone along yourself to the next gig, but that would be too obvious a retaliation. Wait until the 3rd or 4th one and then invite someone along who he has never met and will have to guess who he is to you all night.

 

I tend to get some flack on this site for wanting to show others how to play at their own game, but I can't help giving advice on the way I would operate. It always made me feel a little bit better and stronger when I gave somebody else the proverbial "taste of their own medicine." Not to be vicious, but more to feel I just one upped them. Then I'll go home and let out the real pain, but never let them see I'm hurting. At least, that's how I hope to work in the future. I've had my share of knowing what it's like to give away my diginity in the name of love. Blech.

 

Sorry he gave you back your CDs, because that does insinuate the end of things. Kinda like when someone about to commit suicide gives away all their possessions, or... maybe it's not like that at all and I'm sounding like an idiot. ROFLMAO! Do you have anything of his you can throw his way at the next band practice?

 

So what type of music do you guys play? I'm doing good here on my end and everything has been fabulous with my former ex. I'm still not letting my whole heart sink into all this, because I'm concerned about what could potentially happen. Like today I found myself flirting with someone else and making plans to hit happy hour with a cute guy at work. I would never do anything to hurt my former ex, but I suppose I'm keeping my options open emotionally. I'm not entirely ready to close off my heart from the rest of the world until I know for certain he'll never hurt me again. Whatever, I'll figure it out.

[Lonestar]

Thanks for the advice, 2ndconfusedfemale. We've already talked about several things that happened in the past, and in many areas there wasn't much that could be said to make the other feel better. The truth is that sometimes things were done with the intention to hurt the other. At this point we stopped focusing on the past, because we're two different people now, and we're trying to start fresh. If something comes up that causes me to remember the pain from the past, I can bring it up with him if need be, but most of the time I give myself a day to work through it myself. The I find I don't even want to talk about ti with him.

 

One thing I've learned in all my years is to stop reacting. Wait at least 24 hours before reacting to anything. You'll save yourself a ton of heartache and embarrassment by following that simple rule.

[Heartagram]

I have some of his books to give him, but I was wondering whether or not to keep them for a while and wait til he asks me for them....I don't know, think I should start giving them back? Does it really insinuate an end by giving me CDs I had been asking for even before the breakup?

 

What really bugs me is I've been holding off on giving him this gift I've had for him that came late for his birthday. I got it after we broke up. He knows I have it but hasn't mentioned it anymore. When do I think of giving it to him, because I don't know if I want to hold on to it much longer. We have a band meeting Monday. That's not too personal. Should I arrange another time?

 

The thing about the girl has bugged me so much but I have to cast it from my mind. It bugs me that they work together once a week but if I get too suspicious I'm afraid that will drive him to her potentially so I won't talk of it anymore, or at least not to him. He knows I was uncomfortable about it and that's all he should know. Maybe I will bring someone to the next show that he doesn't know, if possible, but a week after we broke up I already did that to no avail except a confused look.

 

I'm afraid about this meeting on Monday and how it's gonna turn out in terms of my attitude. I just hope I hold up. We play old school, Iron Maiden type metal music, by the way, hehehe. I can PM you a link to our site if you'd like.

 

Glad things are good for you, enjoy this situation and be happy. At least one of us can be!!! I'll try to follow suit soon.

[Lonestar]

Well, no. I suppose if you had been asking for the CDs, then it doesn't insinuate anything. I misunderstood, but why is he suddenly giving you back something that he wouldn't return before? As for the gift, I wouldn't give it to him unless he mentioned it. If he ever does, then say "oh sorry, I thought you didn't want it, but here ya go." It's up to you, but I wouldn't give someone gifts that broke up with me. Giving him a present won't bring him back.

 

I'm not doing so good today. The ex totally blew me off last night and then copped an attitude. I'm sure there'll be some lame exuse today, but I'm not sure I even want to talk to him. I should've known that it wouldn't be long before I took a back seat in his life, or maybe I'm overreacting. I need to see how the day goes.

[Heartagram]

I don't even know what to make of my situation anymore so I give up.

 

As for yours, I'm hoping he did not cancel out on your date for a no good reason. Definitely try to ask him why in a peaceful moment today, if you even care to know why. I'll pray that things work out better. This should only be a minor bump in the road.

[Lonestar]

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