OW Dumped As Soon As He Was Free

[susan0426]

I came here for some advice as I'm having a hard time letting go of hope for the future.

 

I was involved with a man for 8 years that had a live in girlfriend. We had a couple of d-days the last year, and eventually she packed up and left him. A week before she left he came here and dumped me. This after months of talking about how once she leaves we don't have to hide anymore and can see what we have together in a real relationship.

 

He sat here in my home looked me in the face and swore there was someone else, he even cried and told me he loved me but he needed time to figure himself out after the 12 year life she shared with her.

 

I found out a week later, by snooping on facebook, that he lied to me. He had already met another woman a month before and when he left me that last day he drove to pick her up and take her away for the weekend.

 

SO, the live in hadn't left yet, she was still packing, he dumps me, and he's been running around and cheating with someone else.

 

I felt as if the minute he was free he ran the other way, as far away from me as possible. I waited all those years for him to be free and when he was he discarded me to go to someone else.

 

I confronted him about her, and he claims he lied to me to protect me. Well BS he was protecting himself.

 

After the confrontation, I was so angry and hurt, that I blocked him and have been NO contact for 60 days now. One day during NC I got weak, took off the block and called him only to learn he had blocked me too.

 

I've gotten better and stronger, I don't cry as much, but in all honesty I still ,miss and love him. How can I love a man that has cheated on every woman he ever has been with in his life?? He even cheated on his ex wife, which lead to his divorce, then the live in with me, then me with the newbie.

 

I have such mixed feeling of love and anger and hate for him. BUT I've realizes that all through the NC the last 60 days, I was so sure he would come back to me that he would come looking for me.....and nothing....its as if he forgot all the years we shared and I meant nothing to him.

 

How to finally get over this hump and let it go????

[SoleMate]

Just go through the pain, anger, grief and all the rest.

 

Then come out on the other side. Stay NC. Make ownership decisions to protect yourself better, next time around.

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

A part of me wants to tell you, "well you knew he was a cheater to begin with." And the other part of me wants to give you a big hug. It's one thing to deal with the pain of being the other woman to a BS (or live in GF in your case) it's a totally different pain when the mm leaves to be with ANOTHER OTHER WOMAN!

 

I want to say how proud I am of you for going 60 days as well as blocking him and thank God he blocked you too. You might not see it now, but that's probably a blessing in disguise. This guy is a pig, another thing you probably don't want to admit to yourself at the moment being that you still have hope...but the bottom line is, he is. One day you will see that.

 

When the honeymoon phase of this new girl ends, and the relationship becomes mundane and boring, guess who he is going to come running to? Yep you. And he will. Be sure to keep us posted would love to hear back from you. In the meantime, work on you. Make sure you stay NC. NC means no new hurts & it's about rediscovering who you are without this a$$ hat.

[susan0426]

Thanks Solemate for the response. Thats exactly what I've been doing.

 

I think the hard part is trying to understand how and why he did that after all those years. He knew what I wanted with him, and why I was waiting. He hurt me so bad. I feel used for all those years, and yet he tended to treat me well, and always said he loved me, which I believed. I'm not sure he's capable of real love or giving 100% to anyone.

[susan0426]

Thanks, and yes I knew, not at the start but later on into things, who he was and I should have walked years ago. He never told me about the live in till after a couple months. I met him on a dating site.

 

As far as the honeymoon stage goes with the newbie, I think your right, and it actually scares me, because I've come so far and to hear his voice isn't something I can handle today or a month or a year from now. Maybe never.

 

Hes a liar a cheat and a coward. Friends say he blocked me because he not only wanted to hide his past with me from the newbie but because he knows he did me wrong and doesnt want to deal with me. Funny part about it was I never even called on texted one time since that night 2 months ago. It wasn't like I was chasing him and he needed to stop it. I did nothing for him to need to block me.

 

I have a feeling when life with the newbie gets boring and mundane, he will just cheat on her too. She knows because she was a part of that conversation. She insulted me, called me a loser and a fool for being the other woman. I told her he will hurt her too, and she told me she doesnt judge him from the past just how he treats her. Funny part is that she has already been the OW too. She was with him, and went away with him before his live in left, and also while he was still with me....yet I'm the loser... whatever.

[Praying4Peace]

He was with you for 8 years and his live in GF for 12 years? That's almost parallel relationships! Does she know about you? Hmm...if I were you I'd take her out for coffee and bring along a dartboard with your ex's picture and you can take turns throwing...

 

He's gross. He blocked you because you blocked him. He found out you blocked him and did the same in return, possibly.

 

Even if he came back to you would you be comfortable with someone like him? Who could dump you at any moment and have god knows how many relationships going on the side without your knowledge?

 

I think you are mourning the loss of who you thought he was and the feeling you had when you were with him. 8 years is a long time. Hang in there and feel sorry for the other OW. She'll join your dartboard club one day.

[carhill]

How to finally get over this hump and let it go????

 

As mentioned, the process of grieving will bring peace, in time. The work is to accept the process and that it will take time.

 

What you've described as the relationship ending dynamic is pretty common IME, especially for men. By terminating both girlfriend and long-term mistress, his boxes are 'cleansed' and ready for a new honeymoon period. That he sustained two essentially parallel LTR's gives insight into his propensity for such activities. It works for him and he is at risk for repeating, simply because it does work. Men are pragmatic.

 

IMO, if you continue NC, you should be clear of this in a year or so. The key is accepting what you listed in your title as truth, at the emotional level. Finish that business and move on. Good luck.

[spice4life]

Thanks, and yes I knew, not at the start but later on into things, who he was and I should have walked years ago. He never told me about the live in till after a couple months. I met him on a dating site.

 

As far as the honeymoon stage goes with the newbie, I think your right, and it actually scares me, because I've come so far and to hear his voice isn't something I can handle today or a month or a year from now. Maybe never.

 

Hes a liar a cheat and a coward. Friends say he blocked me because he not only wanted to hide his past with me from the newbie but because he knows he did me wrong and doesnt want to deal with me. Funny part about it was I never even called on texted one time since that night 2 months ago. It wasn't like I was chasing him and he needed to stop it. I did nothing for him to need to block me.

 

I have a feeling when life with the newbie gets boring and mundane, he will just cheat on her too. She knows because she was a part of that conversation. She insulted me, called me a loser and a fool for being the other woman. I told her he will hurt her too, and she told me she doesnt judge him from the past just how he treats her. Funny part is that she has already been the OW too. She was with him, and went away with him before his live in left, and also while he was still with me....yet I'm the loser... whatever.

 

I know its hard, but be glad you aren't in her shoes. You saw the preview, stayed for the movie and know what the ending is going to be. She chose to go to the snack stand during the previews and missed the first five minutes of the film so she doesn't have a clue what she is in for.

[emva07]

well the two of you are much better off without him. Now it's new woman's turn to suffer.

[poppyseeds]

Of course he lied to you. Please don't tell me you thought he was an honest saint while he was cheating on his live-in of 12 years with you. He lies to all women. You fell in love with a fantasy. The man you thought you knew doesn't exist and therefore the relationship was a farse. Move on.

[egalew]

Susan - I feel your pain and your story is very similar to mine, however it was only 1 year, not eight.

 

Identical situation: the wife kicked ex-MM out, he was joyous and I thought, "At last....." After all, for a year he'd been feeding me all this "soul mate" and "I've never been happier or felt so connected....." stuff.

 

But he dumps me claiming he "can't handle a divorce and a relationship" at the same time. I catch him 2 days later on CL.

 

I was absolutely devastated. I never confronted him about the incident and have been NC since.

 

It's been extremely difficult and I've experienced the range of emotions: anger, sadness, loss......

 

One of the most difficult things was to except that the man I fell for doesn't really exist. I also now suspect mine has either NPP or is a sociopath.

 

Unfortunately, I think this story is more common than you think.

 

Anyway.....just want to say i feel your pain.

[dreamingoftigers]

Man who has obvious commitment and honesty issues;

shows he has commitment and honesty issues.

 

News at 11.

[Emilia]

Man who has obvious commitment and honesty issues;

shows he has commitment and honesty issues.

 

News at 11.

I know. Who would have thought?

[Athens]

I know this may be painful to hear but when I asked my husband if he would go be with his AP if I kicked him out he said, no. To him that relationship was tainted and the fact they were both cheaters meant he would never trust her and always viewed her as someone less than desirable to have a LTR with. Not sure what that says about how he feels about himself. The point is not to drive a knife in your back, but to help you see that you deserve to be in a healthy relationship and most relationships that start as affairs are not healthy. Find a relationship with a chance of surviving and go from there.

[spice4life]

I know this may be painful to hear but when I asked my husband if he would go be with his AP if I kicked him out he said, no. To him that relationship was tainted and the fact they were both cheaters meant he would never trust her and always viewed her as someone less than desirable to have a LTR with. Not sure what that says about how he feels about himself. The point is not to drive a knife in your back, but to help you see that you deserve to be in a healthy relationship and most relationships that start as affairs are not healthy. Find a relationship with a chance of surviving and go from there.

 

This is interesting. I'm not saying this as a dig or in a negative way, it's just that in reading it made me just realize how much I have healed. There was a time it would have been super painful to read this, but now it has no effect at all. Just to be clear, I wasn't like your OW at all...lol. I always told him how I felt during the course of the affaIr. Even though he knew how I felt and the dificulty I had with being in the affair, he still chose to find ways to work around it so he could continue without giving more. I was betraying myself for allowing it, but even knowing what the affair was about, I won't ever apologize for my feelings. They were just that...my feelings and he was 100% aware of them because I never lied to him about them. My reaction now though, if he said stuff like that about me, is to shrug because as long as I know the truth it doesn't matter. If that is what he needed to say to deal with it then so be it. Whatever it takes to get through it...ya know? Nice place to be...finally.

 

To the OP, as long as you are focusing on you and your life, what ever he does doesn't matter. I know it hurts, but you will be okay and you will make it through.

Edited May 14, 2013 by spice4life

[Athens]

Spice, I am glad you are in a good place. I do believe hindsight to be 20/20 and that during the affair she meant more to him than in hindsight, but still I do believe that since most affairs do not lead to lasting relationship that many of the feelings expressed during them are in a way false. He fully admits to being caught up in his own ego, having someone so interested in him she would lie to her family and drive over an hour to see him. Also, since it was a once in a while thing and her sole purpose of being in Atlanta was to see him, she dressed nice, was in a good mood, etc....that's not real life....that's playing some sort of role. When stepping back and considering what that person would be like on a day to day basis, there was no interest at all.

[Athens]

Paperangel, we talked about that...the difference between how I treated him and she did...I asked if he would rather be my husband or hers, how did he think she treated her husband day in and day out...ding, ding, ding....anyway, yes, on date night I am fresh and worry free...that was how she could be since it was about once a month he saw her. Still, at no time did he consider a LTR with her because she was a cheater and a liar and he knew that, it's such a strange dynamic I think. Probably he felt about her the way he felt about himself, a cheater and a liar. He is working through understanding how he went from a man with integrity to a liar and a cheat. Other than hurting me, that has been the hardest part for him, to look at himself and see who/what he had allowed himself to become.