Again and again

[cut to the core]

Hello,

Last year I found a mobile phone with lots of texts declaring complete and utter love between my H and some woman. He said he had only met her once for a coffee but im not stupid so I phoned her. They had been having an affair for 6 months and she wasn't the first that he had an affair with. I found out he had joined 9 dating sites and she knew of one other person he had been with for 6 months before her. he had told her we had separated 2 years before they met. He was driving to hers while I was working and while I thought he was working nights he was stopping at hers.

to cut a long story short I had a breakdown and ended up on anti depressants. We both went to counselling and I decided to give him another chance. I thought he was trying hard to make things work but then I found messages on the laptop last month from someone from work sorting out meeting AGAIN....(this isn't any of the other 2) when I tackled it he told me they had a moment at a works party.

Again he is begging for forgiveness but I cant see there is any point trying again. I am so heartbroken I have been taken for a fool again. I know my marriage is now over because he really broke it the day he joined the dating sites but why am I finding it so hard walking away from it. he wont change will he???

thank you for listening xxx

[Furious]

Sadly, the realization your husband is a serial cheater who continuously breaks his word to you is heartbreaking and traumatic.

 

You need to accept that he won't change, you cannot fix him, and he can only do that for himself.

 

At this time you need to take care of yourself, beginning with seeing a lawyer and getting information as to your legal rights. You should also get your finances in order and seek individual counselling to help you cope with the stress you're experiencing. Lean on your close family and friends for emotional support.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. Just know that with each step you take toward moving foward with your life, that in time you can get through this.

[cut to the core]

Thank you so much for taking time to reply. I know deep down he wont change but for the sake of our children I was living in hope after last year. I have told his family and a few close friends but my family know nothing as my nan died the day he was writing to her and I found it the next day so putting more stress on my family would of been too hard. there is not a minute that I don't wish I could just go to my mum for a cuddle.

well tomorrow must be the day I get my life in order and tell him to go. I feel sorry for my children but if I don't do it now I will end up driving myself insane and that wouldn't be good for them either. why on earth do they think its ok to wreak lives!!! thank you once again xx

[Furious]

Thank you so much for taking time to reply. I know deep down he wont change but for the sake of our children I was living in hope after last year. I have told his family and a few close friends but my family know nothing as my nan died the day he was writing to her and I found it the next day so putting more stress on my family would of been too hard. there is not a minute that I don't wish I could just go to my mum for a cuddle.

well tomorrow must be the day I get my life in order and tell him to go. I feel sorry for my children but if I don't do it now I will end up driving myself insane and that wouldn't be good for them either. why on earth do they think its ok to wreak lives!!! thank you once again xx

 

 

You sound like a smart and loving woman who tried to reconcile and keep your family together. It's so sad that your children did nothing to deserve this and you only want the best for them. You can look back and have no regrets that you gave your husband the chance to change his ways and in no way are to blame for his actions.

 

Keep posting, they are many people here who can give you the support you need.

 

Hugs

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry to hear your story. Many say that a second Dday is worse than the first.

 

Around the infidelity circles there is an expression, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't believe that's true. I think people can change and in some cases, Dday is a wake-up call for the wayward spouse to make it happen.

 

That said, I do believe the expression, "Twice a cheater, always a cheater." If your husband can witness the devastation that your first Dday brought and then pursue yet another extramarital relationship, you're wasting your time on him. Don't invest another minute in this guy.

 

You did a noble thing by trying to salvage your marriage the first time you were victimized. He blew his chance. If you give him another, you'll no longer be a victim but a volunteer.

 

See an attorney and find out your rights. I would also ask your H to leave until you have a marital settlement agreement in place.

 

My heart goes out to you. This crap sucks. At least you can say you tried. The demise of your marriage obviously gets to fall entirely on him at this point. Start focusing on yourself and your kids. To be honest, it may take some time but eventually you're going to start looking forward to your second life; it can be pretty liberating to start over and not have to negotiate it all with someone. YOU get to decide what you want to do with your life now. Starting today, make the most of it.

[96nole]

 

That said, I do believe the expression, "Twice a cheater, always a cheater." If your husband can witness the devastation that your first Dday brought and then pursue yet another extramarital relationship, you're wasting your time on him. Don't invest another minute in this guy.

This!

 

Make sure you tell all your friends and family to get help and support.

You soon to be ex husband will continue to beg to stay. He only wants to have the best of both worlds. A wife who cooks, cleans, and takes care of the kids and home. He also wants to go out and play with other women. He doesn't see you as a wife. Just another play thing.

 

Get rid of him. Get a lawyer. Get everything out of him you can. Never look back. He will never be good for you.

[cut to the core]

thank you all xx

I don't need to get everything I can out of him as he earns less than me. I can afford to keep the house but he couldn't.

is it normal to feel afraid of getting rid of him, I keep thinking.... what if will of made a mistake.

I just feel like im on a revolving door as last partner did the same and I threw him to the curb and brought my son up on my own till I met this low life and now hes done the same. mug comes to mind!!! x

[ComingInHot]

cut to the core wrote, "... I finding it so hard walking away..."

 

There are no words to express how I feel for you & Your children right now. My heart breaks with yours!

 

I think I understand the conflict you are struggling with per above quote. To answer from my own experience (based off only one D-day):

 

-I had left the security of my family to build a new family w/H. = What do I do now? What "family" would I and kids be a part of? Where's that security I've always had & known?

 

-Going forward without H = Going forward alone w/responsibilities being all on me. How would custody go? Can I care for kids, house, bills, oil changes, work, school sports, and the list goes on....?

 

-I can never "go back" = What if I'm making a mistake and "now" H finally "gets it" & changes and I "gave up" too soon? Then I've done and gone through Everything and H finds a new W and she ends up getting the best of him because he learned at his Worst through destroying me, our M, our children & family??

 

Cut to the core, I STILL have papers in order and lawyer on speed dial. H's A was over Three yrs ago!

I've made it easy/easier for me in that I have Answered all my questions why it would/could be hard to leave. GUESS WHAT?!? I CAN DO IT. Everything. All on my own, W/the support of my family & friends.

 

I am hoping for the best rest of my life WITH my H, BUT I have Already planned how to have a Best rest of my life without him too*

 

So figure out what you're questioning then ANSWER those questions. I think you'll be quite surprised AND impressed w/your answers on how you can and will survive w/out him**

CIH

[whichwayisup]

He needs to suffer some consquences before he changes. Kick him out. tell him it's divorce time. Then wait and see how he reacts, see what he does. NO rush to divorce but the threat of it MIGHT wake him up, he may realize what life will be like without you.

 

Do you two have children? If so, I can understand wanting to stay and work it out, to keep a family under one roof is important - AS long both parties are willing to do put in 100% each to make sure the marriage is better and you both are happier as husband and wife. but, if he is unwilling to change, unwilling to admit his mistakes and own them, show genuine remorse and show you change, it's pointless.

 

If you don't have kids, ask yourself why he's worth hanging onto, and if you truly love him or are you afraid of being alone and facing the uknown future without all that you're used to.

[cut to the core]

thank you both for answering.

whichwayisup.... yes we have 2 children together (9 &10).

When I found the messages this time I told him it was over, that I was through and had enough he nearly had a breakdown himself. it was like I was the strong one this time and he broke. He was walking around like his world had come crashing down, had 3 weeks off sick, went to the doctors cos he was so depressed and has now booked into more counselling. He has been trying his hardest but to me it isn't enough. im just sitting waiting for the next time for it to happen and its driving me crazy.

Like everyone has pointed out on other threads on here.... once is a mistake, 2nd time plus, they are chancers who know exactly what they are doing.

Omg my head is in bits!!!

I love him and there is nothing more I wanted was to live a happy life with him but I don't want to live looking over my shoulder every single day. xx

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

Unfortunately these kind rarely change. Your next step is to ask yourself, do you want to waste another year of your life and wait and see when he does it again or do you want to plan your escape? I have been in this situation before with an ex-bf. That was nearly a decade ago. I couldn't imagine where I would be today if I would've stayed. Him & I are FB friends. In fact, he is now remarried & I think to myself, does his woman have any kind of clue the man she is with? One woman's trash is another woman's prince, lol.

Edited May 12, 2013 by LoveBitesButSoDoI

[Darren Steez]

I'm sorry to hear your story. Many say that a second Dday is worse than the first.

 

Around the infidelity circles there is an expression, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't believe that's true. I think people can change and in some cases, Dday is a wake-up call for the wayward spouse to make it happen.

 

That said, I do believe the expression, "Twice a cheater, always a cheater." If your husband can witness the devastation that your first Dday brought and then pursue yet another extramarital relationship, you're wasting your time on him. Don't invest another minute in this guy.

 

You did a noble thing by trying to salvage your marriage the first time you were victimized. He blew his chance. If you give him another, you'll no longer be a victim but a volunteer.

 

See an attorney and find out your rights. I would also ask your H to leave until you have a marital settlement agreement in place.

 

My heart goes out to you. This crap sucks. At least you can say you tried. The demise of your marriage obviously gets to fall entirely on him at this point. Start focusing on yourself and your kids. To be honest, it may take some time but eventually you're going to start looking forward to your second life; it can be pretty liberating to start over and not have to negotiate it all with someone. YOU get to decide what you want to do with your life now. Starting today, make the most of it.

 

This more than anything. Where were you in his thoughts when he was doing it the second time? Was it easier? If he gets away with it again what will make him stop the third time? Do you want to spend the rest of your life second guessing every time he comes home late, visiting every dating site to see if he's there when he becomes "distant"

 

You give respect you should expect the same respect back which clearly you're not getting, not even for the sake of your kids on his part.

[BeholdtheMan]

Hello,

Last year I found a mobile phone with lots of texts declaring complete and utter love between my H and some woman. He said he had only met her once for a coffee but im not stupid so I phoned her. They had been having an affair for 6 months and she wasn't the first that he had an affair with. I found out he had joined 9 dating sites and she knew of one other person he had been with for 6 months before her. he had told her we had separated 2 years before they met. He was driving to hers while I was working and while I thought he was working nights he was stopping at hers.

to cut a long story short I had a breakdown and ended up on anti depressants. We both went to counselling and I decided to give him another chance. I thought he was trying hard to make things work but then I found messages on the laptop last month from someone from work sorting out meeting AGAIN....(this isn't any of the other 2) when I tackled it he told me they had a moment at a works party.

Again he is begging for forgiveness but I cant see there is any point trying again. I am so heartbroken I have been taken for a fool again. I know my marriage is now over because he really broke it the day he joined the dating sites but why am I finding it so hard walking away from it. he wont change will he???

thank you for listening xxx

Divorce time...really