Author HKiddo Posted May 12, 2013 Author Share Posted May 12, 2013 Getting the best friends approval is huge for you as a couple. Big PROPs for that accomplishment! Personally, I don't see why he wouldn't take a big step before leaving for the Netherlands. If he truly means what he says then why take his wife to the Netherlands with him for six months? I could be wrong, but it seems to me being in the Netherlands for six months without her would be a great time for him to adjust to the decision of leaving in the first place. It will give him the time and space he needs from her and it will give him the opportuity to slowly start integrating you into his life. That is my guess. I haven't actually gone through this, but that seems to make the most sense to me. Maybe a few of the others, who have actually gone through this, can chime in to say whether I'm being realistic or not. At the very least, he has to show some kind of solid progress before he leaves in July, so you aren't left behind driving yourself crazy with doubts. Being away for six months is bad enough, but to not have any sign he is being true to his word by then will drive you crazy with worry. That is my thought. I hope this helps! I agree! I'm not giving him a deadline but I did tell my therapist that if MM hasn't taken a big step before leaving for the Netherlands, I will just treat this as a break up and get over it. For what it's worth, as this is all very emotional I suggested that he see a counselor, which he has begun doing. Regardless of the outcome, I think it'll be healthier than trying to figure this out yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 I agree! I'm not giving him a deadline but I did tell my therapist that if MM hasn't taken a big step before leaving for the Netherlands, I will just treat this as a break up and get over it. For what it's worth, as this is all very emotional I suggested that he see a counselor, which he has begun doing. Regardless of the outcome, I think it'll be healthier than trying to figure this out yourself. That sounds like a good plan. I totally agree that he should see a counselor to help him sort through all of the emotions. I'm a huge advocate for therapy, especially during times like this! You are doing the right thing by asking questions, seeking advice and looking out for yourself. Take the advice that you feel rings true to your situation and go from there. You sound like you have an excellent head on your shoulders and your not going to let him fill your head with promises without backing them up with concrete actions. That's all you can really do in this situation. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 He's a grown man and allowing his Mom to control his life? That seems odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Dec, I'm sorry, I keep getting you mixed up with a couple of other posters. Would you remind me of your sitch? You're BS, right? I can't remember if you are still with your hubby or not? Sorry... so many people, I get confused. Lol. I am with my spouse, happily reconciled. I am not sure what that has to do with my advice. It's good advice to be with a healthy, independent person free of entanglements. It bodes better for the new relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Have you actually spoken to his best friends about this? Or is this the MM reporting to you that is what happened? His actions don't seem to line up with his words- but I guess my question would be- have you spoken to his wife? To confirm this is the truth? And have you spoken to his friends, in person? In which they conveyed this information? I think if the above two questions are yes, that you have confirmed what he is telling you with conversations with his wife, and his best friends, then this is a different scenario. It's still not one I would invest in- because I truly do not believe that a healthy person leaves one relationship directly for another, and I do not believe that a healthy person chooses to be involved wittj a committed person. But if you are choosing to be involved in this - you must, must, must confirm that he is telling you the truth. In a cheating scenario, there is no expectation of trust. He has demonstrated he is willing to cheat and lie. So you must be pragmatic and verify his statements . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) Three months is a short time, and you are completely right to underscore that because to me that is actually the most worrisome factor to me about my delusional I could be at this moment even if I don't feel it. I will say that we experienced one extremely traumatic event and but also broke a historical record together during that time. Those are the type of things that psychologically binds you to people and while it's not a basis for a relationship, it has made the connection feel that much more intense. I'm unsure if that means the connection is more or less reliable but I see an argument for both. Does that change your view of the short time at all? Hey HKiddo, You seem really together and sensible about your situation, certainly not delusional . I did want to comment on this aspect though. Experiencing a traumatic event with someone no doubt brings up LOTS of emotions and can indeed intensify a connection; however, I would really be suspicious of the connection brought about by emotional/mental stress that trauma brings against how people bond normally. I would say that connection is less reliable, as it is easier to bond with ANYONE having gone through something traumatic with them. Put enemies together in a crisis and they will become the best of friends because of the situation and need to survive. My advice to you about this is: allow him to end his relationship because he needs it to end. Don't allow you being there to be what helps him decide. Don't allow him to end it "for" you. If he is done, he is done and should decide that of his own accord. After that, if your connection is intense and real, you can begin to date in the open like normal and see, like normal, if you can build something or it's just one of those transient relationships. But being entangled in an affair, or waiting on the sidelines as he decides to fix his marriage, or allowing him to leave "for you" will only increase the chances that you won't see clearly or will get more hurt than necessary if after all, things don't work out. 3 months is a short time and short enough that you haven't already invested a ton into this situation, where you can still stand down and stand back and let him do what he needs to. I'd personally go with that and he should understand your need to do that. However, him expecting you to be up under him while in limbo is very unfair to you. Edited May 12, 2013 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 I am with my spouse, happily reconciled. I am not sure what that has to do with my advice. It's good advice to be with a healthy, independent person free of entanglements. It bodes better for the new relationship. Honestly, it has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I was trying to remember your story. Thanks for refreshing. Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Ask his wife. Lol. Lame response. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Lol. Lame response. Why? What is wrong with confirmation? If general history follows this story- I'd be surprised if the wife even knows. There are always exceptions, of course. I'd think it would be wise, if a person thinks they are an exception, to confirm it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Is it just me or is this post just plain ol' b*itchy? Why in the world was it bitchy to be reminded of her situation? Projecting much? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Why in the world was it bitchy to be reminded of her situation? Projecting much? If you're not happy with what I said, feel free to report. However I was not the only one who had this opinion. Maybe you need to consider not just what you say but how you say it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 If you're not happy with what I said, feel free to report. However I was not the only one who had this opinion. Maybe you need to consider not just what you say but how you say it. You all think I was being bitchy because I couldn't remember her back story? WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 You all think I was being bitchy because I couldn't remember her back story? WTF? No. It was the need to know her back story - to highlight that she was a BS as if that meant her views did not matter. It was making some comment about whether she and her husband had reconciled. And after all that, sticking a LOL on the end. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) No. It was the need to know her back story - to highlight that she was a BS as if that meant her views did not matter. It was making some comment about whether she and her husband had reconciled. And after all that, sticking a LOL on the end. Well, let me clarify. I honestly couldn't remember her back story and put lol on the end because I felt silly for getting confused. I asked if she was still with her hubby because I couldn't remember. But whatever. Everything I say isn't sinister. Jesus. Edited May 12, 2013 by So happy together Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Well, let me clarify. I honestly couldn't remember her back story and put lol on the end because I felt silly for getting confused. I asked if she was still with her hubby because I couldn't remember. But whatever. After that edit you made, I take back my response. I was going to try and make-up. Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 After that edit you made, I take back my response. I was going to try and make-up. LoL! You mean that I edited that everything I say isn't sinister? Funny, I don't care if you make up. No opinion on you at all, actually. Haters gonna hate. I'm happy, that's what matters to me. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 LoL! You mean that I edited that everything I say isn't sinister? Funny, I don't care if you make up. No opinion on you at all, actually. Haters gonna hate. I'm happy, that's what matters to me. Funny. Calling me a hater yet saying you have no opinion on me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Just want to chime in here as I see so many posters' replying with hypothesis, with lots of what if. I think so many words will be useless, because it all depends on MM's futher actions. OW's Mind-guessing of MM is quite meanless or pointless, I would rather to see OP's next post being "MM's action or steps to divorce". Just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Funny. Calling me a hater yet saying you have no opinion on me. I do not have an opinion of you as a person. I just think your posts scream 'hater'. Have a good day. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Lol. Lame response. I don't appreciate your negtive assessment. Asking his wife is the only way to know what his REAL intentions are. Going directly to his wife is only right - she deserves to know - the OP deserves to know what's really going on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 12, 2013 Share Posted May 12, 2013 Looks like there's been some off-topic crosstalk and the thread starter is absent so I'll close this up for some cleanup. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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