Hanging out with a stripper

[Justme12]

This is the first time I have mentioned this to anyone but I can't keep the anger inside anymore.

 

This started in October. My husband goes a couple hours away to hunt. He stays over one or two nights. From what I know, he just started going to a strip club over there in October until beginning of December. 4 weeks total. Twice a week. I found out because I had a gut feeling something was going on. I looked at his phone and there were texts from a stripper (her name was programmed in and it was her stage/fake name).

 

Long story short.... He went to the club to see her. She is 20 years younger. Nude lap dances. They texted and he sent her around 200 texts in 4 weeks. Emotional affair? She gave a sob story of needing money and she gave her real name and he sent her $700 (?) through wire transfer. He also sent her flowers. No idea how much he spent at the club itself. She obviously knew she could get to his wallet by telling him what he wanted to hear.

 

He says nothing happened outside of the club even though he said he would have if the opportunity came up. I do believe this.

 

He told me he had to pay someone for attention. He liked it when someone "liked" him (even if it was pretend). Our marriage has been non existent for 6 years. We slept separately. Rarely talked, etc.

 

Our relationship is better than ever now. We found each other again but I don't know if I can overcome this. Where do I go from here? It has been 7 months and it is all I think about.

[Spark1111]

Ok.....

 

Did he EVER tell you he needed attention? Nude lap dances? That he was willing to part with with marital resources while keeping it secret from you to obtain this?

 

Contrite men who realize they have it all to lose can make their wife feel like a queen...all well and good...but DO NOT let him off the hook so easily when it comes to addressing YOUR feelings.

 

What if the shoe had been on the other foot...What if you, not receiving enough attention from him, had entertained a male stripper 20 years younger? one who fawned all over you....and then needed YOUR money to be ailed out of their personal financial crisis?

 

what if he had gridded himself all over you? HOW would your H feel about that?

 

I am glad he is remorseful and making it up to you....BUT he needs to really understand what he did, that you, too, could walk that path, and how that would make the other spouse FEEL....

[Jonah]

It doesn't mean anything. It's just like he says, but less. It's just entertainment. Be more concerned about the money than anything else. That she was 20 year younger means nothing. Attachment as if to a blow up doll. If he would have gottn' tangled up with a real woman it would be a different story. What he experienced was pure illusion and he knows it. So should you.

 

"Nothing happened outside the club..." What all can you imagine a nude lap dance to be?

[Justme12]

To me it seemed like he was having "date night" with the same girl every time he went there. He probably spent the entire evening there with her. He took the fantasy out of the club into "real life" when he is texting over 200 times probably telling her how great she is... sending flowers and money. He took it too far... that's where the problem is. I never had a clue this was going on and he lied the entire time about it.

 

A nude lap dance is a big deal to me. He probably got lots of these over those 4 weeks.

 

I feel like leaving but don't know if I am over reacting. Throwing away 20 years of marriage for this? They weren't all great years but still.

[whichwayisup]

To me it seemed like he was having "date night" with the same girl every time he went there. He probably spent the entire evening there with her. He took the fantasy out of the club into "real life" when he is texting over 200 times probably telling her how great she is... sending flowers and money. He took it too far... that's where the problem is. I never had a clue this was going on and he lied the entire time about it.

 

A nude lap dance is a big deal to me. He probably got lots of these over those 4 weeks.

 

I feel like leaving but don't know if I am over reacting. Throwing away 20 years of marriage for this? They weren't all great years but still.

 

Ask him to get STD tests done.

 

He was totally inappropriate and I hope he realizes this.

 

HE has put your 20 year marriage at risk!

 

You two obviously are issues and problems. He should not have run away and dealt with it this way, so wrong of him - That's all on him, but you two need to sort it out by going to marriage counseling.

 

For six years you've lived in the same house but slept in separate beds/rooms. Why? What changed?

 

If he is willing to work with you, to fix things and make the marriage better, do marriage counseling with you as well, each of you try to remember WHY you got married to begin with? You two loved another.

[bob the brave]

You both seem to have a pretty good grasp of the situation. I think the problem is not the stripper but why your marriage was not existent 6 years prior.

 

Sounds like he was doing exactly what he said. I've known guys with stripper stories before. They do nothing free. That is, at least the stories I've heard, they do just what your did - find unlucky, needy mark, bait with sob story and boobs then make promises of more for money, but never deliver.

 

So, I believe him too. He was lonely. He didn't do anything. I think he did pretty good. Most guys would have found a gf or a real hooker after 6 years of problems.

 

Ask yourself what it is that bothers you about it? Self-esteem? Betrayel? Fear he will do it again? Identify this and talk with him about it.

[KraftDinner]

I'm surprised that some people think it's okay that he did this.

 

Well, it doesn't matter what they think. OP, it's about what you think.

 

I disagree that it's less bad because she's a stripper (someone suggested a similarity to a blow up doll). If a woman looked at a male stripper as just a dildo, she wouldn't be masterbating if she had sex with him.

 

I know the guy didn't have sex with the stripper, but he said he would have if he could have. What a gem.

 

Oh, good lad, not cheating or getting a hooker. Here's your medal.

[Jonah]

You both seem to have a pretty good grasp of the situation. I think the problem is not the stripper but why your marriage was not existent 6 years prior.

 

Sounds like he was doing exactly what he said. I've known guys with stripper stories before. They do nothing free. That is, at least the stories I've heard, they do just what your did - find unlucky, needy mark, bait with sob story and boobs then make promises of more for money, but never deliver.

 

So, I believe him too. He was lonely. He didn't do anything. I think he did pretty good. Most guys would have found a gf or a real hooker after 6 years of problems.

 

Ask yourself what it is that bothers you about it? Self-esteem? Betrayel? Fear he will do it again? Identify this and talk with him about it.

 

Pretty square up there Bob. Sounds like they got a good thing going now but it's sad that she has to suffer this jealousy needlessly. He was lonely and just wanted to feel better. The girl took him for a pretty good ride though. Bet he learned a little something about the value of a real wife.

[Jonah]

I'm surprised that some people think it's okay that he did this.

 

Re-read the posts. No one said its ok. It's never ok to walk into any place of darkness. What we are saying is that its nothing like a gf so in an attempt to get Justme to feel a little better about it we are just stating that fact. Having to deal with an OP is quite humiliating... I know. With porn and strip clubs that component does not exist.

 

None the less one could understand how porn/strip clubs would certainly tarnish a mans image in the eyes of a spouse.

 

 

I know the guy didn't have sex with the stripper, but he said he would have if he could have. What a gem.

 

Didn't have sex? How can you know that KD? A nude lap dance isn't sex? Where would you say the line is? Going all the way? How do you know what she did or didn't let him have?

 

Oh, good lad, not cheating or getting a hooker. Here's your medal.

 

Not a hooker?

 

What is your definition of a hooker? He was giving her money and she was giving him... well, being that she had him in the palm of her hand, she was letting him have... whatever she wanted to.

[BeholdtheMan]

Our relationship is better than ever now. We found each other again but I don't know if I can overcome this. Where do I go from here? It has been 7 months and it is all I think about.

Would your husband be OK if you got nude lapdances from a young male stripper shaking his junk in your face? Would he be OK if you wired large amounts of cash to said male stripper?

 

If not, he's a cheater and a hypocrite. Honestly, your marriage sounds completely fu**ed up and that good period sounds like a bit of an illusion on your part.

[KathyM]

Having a nude lap dance from a stripper is definitely cheating. It's sexual contact with someone other than you. And the wiring of money to her? She's obviously been giving him more than just a lap dance. Time to dump this guy. The way I see it is, if your husband or SO decides he wants other women in his life, then show him the door and tell him go get what he wants, but you won't be hanging around for his leftovers (of sex, attention, love, or what-have-you.) If a guy doesn't want to commit to being monogamous, then he has no business being married or in a relationship with someone who wants monogamy. Why pretend to be something that you are not?

[Jonah]

Having a nude lap dance from a stripper is definitely cheating. It's sexual contact with someone other than you. And the wiring of money to her? She's obviously been giving him more than just a lap dance. Time to dump this guy. The way I see it is, if your husband or SO decides he wants other women in his life, then show him the door and tell him go get what he wants, but you won't be hanging around for his leftovers (of sex, attention, love, or what-have-you.) If a guy doesn't want to commit to being monogamous, then he has no business being married or in a relationship with someone who wants monogamy. Why pretend to be something that you are not?

 

If every guy that went to a strip club got divorced, there would be a plethora of available woman out there waiting for their Mr right. Good luck with that.

[AbeNormal]

In response to Waiting for Mr. Right.

 

My resume:

 

I believe I am most certainly Mr. Right. Please read the following and decide for yourself.

 

<Extensive text deleted>

 

Oh, by the way, I believe it is OK for a man to go behind his wife’s back (i.e. be secretive, deceptive and engage in lying) and frequent a strip club to see and interact with a particular dancer. In fact, extensive text exchanges outside of that “special time” should not be frowned upon, and a cash/wire advance of several hundred dollars (outside of what it costs for the in-club dances and all) should most certainly not be viewed with any type of concern/disdain. It just shows, after all, that I am a true humanitarian!!

 

Yep, I am Mr. Right. I’m guessing that the "plethora of available women" are getting a warm fuzzy feeling about now…

 

Why should I be concerned with what someone like KathyM has to say?

Edited May 13, 2013 by AbeNormal

[Jenn.Smith]

While i do think strippers/lap dancers are not all right for my marriage I know many people think they are okay. Therefore, it is important to establish that. Just like porn.

 

Sounds like he got obsessed, swindled humiliated.

 

I do think that there are dif levels of cheating for me.

These three i would rather have the a full blown affair.

 

Porn-makes me uncomfortable and i dont like it

Strippers-same as porn

Lap dances-cheating but 1 sided as she is geting money.