Cannot stand my sister

[4givrnt4gtr]

I feel horrible for it, but I honestly cannot stand her.

The mere sound of her voice irritates me.

 

We've always had a bit of a rough relationship, not just me and her but her and the entire family. She is the oldest and has always had a "my way or the highway" attitude. When I was 12 she married a guy (she is 12 years older than I am) and it was hell. Pure. hell.

I lived with her, her husband and my mom, and we had to deal with the constant fights and domestic abuse from both him to her and her to him. We kept telling her to move out, because she blamed us for having difficulties with her husband but she refused. My mom and I didnt have enough money to move out ourselves (like put a down payment on a new apartment etc) so we had to bear it. It was hell. She would also yell at us, and just be very very emotionally and verbally abusive.

I left my house at 19 because of her, after we got into a huge fight that ended up physical (i slapped her after she threatened to kill someone on the phone. she was out ofcontrol! She ended up dragging me by the hair through the apartment. It was crazy!!)

Unfortunately my family is very enmesh, and as much as Id like to get away from her, i feel guilty and my mom makes me feel guilty ("but she is your sister!")

There are times that she calms down, and I think she may be ok, so I try make more of an effort, but unevitably she goes crazy again, and starts screaming and threatening suicide if we dont do what she wants.

Now, I am in a very loving and awesome relationship. I introduced my bf to my family, and everyone adores him. She says she likes him too, and says she is happy for me, but during Christmas, when he spend some time with us, she kept calling him my ex's name. At first i thought it was accidental, but then I started suspecting she was trying to create trouble. I got sooo angry at her.

 

Aside from the big things, just little interactions with her are a pain. She is needy and demanding, and you just get this annoying feeling that she wants to make things to be much more of a big deal than they are. For example right now for mother's day, she picked out a restaurant for us to go (my brother and I had given some ideas but ofcourse, she went with whatever she wanted), and now has been calling me about what we should get my mom. Its like she can't do anything by herself, she always needs someone else, but someone else so she can tell them what to do. She wont get her a gift herself, it HAS to be between the three of us and ofcourse the whole thing is going to be a big dramatic thing. I hate it. I hate having to deal with her and with all this.

 

And then I feel SO guilty, because every single time I see her, she has always gotten something for me. Whether is a pair of shoes, the latest anti-wrinkle cream, (because thats another thing...there is always SOMETHING wrong "oh wow, you are getting SO many wrinkles!" or "oh wow your hair is sooo damage!" "you are getting SO fat!"), or a shirt she found particularly pretty. SO its not like she is a horrible terrible person all the time. She just has some serious personality issues that makes it impossible to actually like her and be ok with her.

 

Anyway, my point is. I have no idea how to deal with this anymore. I am building a life with my boyfriend, we are planning to get engage and married within the next couple of years and I really really want to start clean. I dont want negativity surrounding us and bs anymore. Yet...I dont know if I can shut her off completely.

 

So basically. How do you deal with difficult family members? How do you negotiate between shunning them and keeping them too close??

[kmaddox]

I understand. My sister is 6 years older than me. She is the more quiet reserved one. So reserved that she is 31 and has never dated anyone and is really quite socially awkward. She has always been jealous bc I was captain of the cheerleading squad, had friends over all the time, and moved 4 hrs from home to go to a big university. She went to a small college close to home. She owns her own house yet she STILL stays with my parents every night. We are completely opposite. I still treat her like a sister and I try to involve her in my life as much as possible. She thinks everything I do is stupid. She's mad because I have a teaching degree and am not teaching, she doesnt want to wear the bridesmaid dress I picked out for my wedding, she is rude to almost everyone she meets and automatically thinks everyone is against her. I made her the maid of honor in my wedding BC she is my sister even though we are prob the least close out of my other friends. I have tried everything to have a good relationship with her but she always cuts me down and judges everything I do. UGGHHH!!

 

My sister does the gift/guilt thing too. Even though ALL she does is complain she will always get me little gifts or ask my opinion on things. If she sends me a pic of something (like a craft) and asks if I like it she will usually get it for me. However, if I say no it's not really my style she will get SUPER offended and never let me live it down. It's so annoying!

 

Having a sibling can be tough. My advice is to keep your distance but don't cut her totally out of your life. You might regret it later if you don't at least try to stay in touch.

Edited May 21, 2013 by kmaddox