Is it me or him?! Difficulty trusting my boyfriend...

[SeraBlue]

Can I trust my boyfriend? I have trust issues stemming from childhood (parental divorce, alcoholic parent, stressed out parent, etc). I've improved in the trust department, but still have a long ways to go.

 

I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. He verbally, and with actions, demonstrates his love and commitment to me. But.......the thorn in my side is the incident a year ago when he was going to meet up for lunch with a woman he had pursued in the past. I found out the lunch was going to go down by snooping in his cell phone. (I know, I need to address that intrusive and hurtful behavior.) Through snooping in his cell phone texts, and then also emails and gchats, I found out that this was the friend he had briefly mentioned recently to me (at that time a year ago) who was a social and environmental activist. At first I didn't tell him I snooped and found out some info about her and their history ( they went on one date, she decided to decline any subsequent dates, they remained email and gchat buddies off and on...I even found a gchat my boyfriend had with a friend in which he asked for advice about this woman because he was interested in her but she wasn't in him but now she is getting back in contact with him...btw, that gchat was before we were together), but instead I asked my boyfriend for her telephone number so I can get more involved (I was unemployed at the time and wanted to do some volunteering).

 

So, my boyfriend responded to my request for her telephone number by saying that he was going to go to lunch with her and he'll give me her phone number after the lunch. I felt hurt, angry, and suspicious that he wouldn't just give me her phone number. I revealed what I found out while snooping. He responded that, yes, they went on a date, but they BOTH decided not to continue dating (my readings of his emails and chats indicate otherwise). One thing he said, that he immediately retracted because he said he just didn't know what to say and was upset about me confronting him over the phone about this while he was at work, is that he answered yes to my question regarding if he didn't want to give me her phone number cause she might still have feelings for him. He later clarified that he didnt tell me about the lunch in the first place because he thought i would be unreasonably jealous give he had originally met her on match.com, and that it was a mistake not to tell me. Immediately, he stopped all communications with this woman.

 

Nothing similar has happened since and he continues to be a loving boyfriend. But this has shaken me to my wounded, abandonment-fearing core. Am I the one who needs to work on my issues? Or is his behavior unacceptable? I'm just confused...help!

[Keke1]

Can I trust my boyfriend? I have trust issues stemming from chgone. ood (parental divorce, alcoholic parent, stressed out parent, etc). I've improved in the trust department, but still have a long ways to go.

 

I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. He verbally, and with actions, demonstrates his love and commitment to me. But.......the thorn in my side is the incident a year ago when he was going to meet up for lunch with a woman he had pursued in the past. I found out the lunch was going to go down by snooping in his cell phone. (I know, I need to address that intrusive and hurtful behavior.) Through snooping in his cell phone texts, and then also emails and gchats, I found out that this was the friend he had briefly mentioned recently to me (at that time a year ago) who was a social and environmental activist. At first I didn't tell him I snooped and found out some info about her and their history ( they went on one date, she decided to decline any subsequent dates, they remained email and gchat buddies off and on...I even found a gchat my boyfriend had with a friend in which he asked for advice about this woman because he was interested in her but she wasn't in him but now she is getting back in contact with him...btw, that gchat was before we were together), but instead I asked my boyfriend for her telephone number so I can get more involved (I was unemployed at the time and wanted to do some volunteering).

 

So, my boyfriend responded to my request for her telephone number by saying that he was going to go to lunch with her and he'll give me her phone number after the lunch. I felt hurt, angry, and suspicious that he wouldn't just give me her phone number. I revealed what I found out while snooping. He responded that, yes, they went on a date, but they BOTH decided not to continue dating (my readings of his emails and chats indicate otherwise). One thing he said, that he immediately retracted because he said he just didn't know what to say and was upset about me confronting him over the phone about this while he was at work, is that he answered yes to my question regarding if he didn't want to give me her phone number cause she might still have feelings for him. He later clarified that he didnt tell me about the lunch in the first place because he thought i would be unreasonably jealous give he had originally met her on match.com, and that it was a mistake not to tell me. Immediately, he stopped all communications with this woman.

 

Nothing similar has happened since and he continues to be a loving boyfriend. But this has shaken me to my wounded, abandonment-fearing core. Am I the one who needs to work on my issues? Or is his behavior unacceptable? I'm just confused...help!

I'll give you some advice I should've taken a long time ago.

Let it go or let him or her go. In my situation I should've let her go. The trust was gone

[lamaga]

He stopped talking to her to make you feel better but it doesn't make him feel good because he feels trapped by you and your jealousy. It might eat him up inside and the more he feels trapped the more he will do things without telling you about them, secretively.

If that's what you want, keep doing what you are doing.

Otherwise, if you want to save this relationship, I would give you the advice to LET IT GO and give him some space. If he feels trapped he won't be around for too long.