She dumped me blindsided breakup, wants to be friends

[rainmayker]

Hello,

 

My ex-gf dumped me with a blindsided breakup without any reason.

 

Later on, I found out that she had been talking to an "old friend" of hers on Facebook messenger 3 days before she actually broke up with me.

 

Then, when I called to talk to her later, she messaged him again on Skype DURING our phone call! WTF!

 

Now, she is making videos with him for Youtube together.

 

Everytime I talk with her, she secretly messages him on Skype about our conversation, always bashing me in the process.

 

I tell her I don't want to be friends, but she gets offended and says that. She pushes hard for us to be 'friends' but I am not sure why she would even want me around? Didn't she just dump me? And isn't she talking to this douche bag every night?

 

What do you think of this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[SimonSerenade]

That is so cruel, I think in relationships there's a do's and don't do's unwritten handbook that you have to follow for your relationship to be a success, she's breaking all kinds of rules, I think she fails to see the situation reversed, maybe she'll think about that while you have some time apart, I would leave her to it for now and see what happens and what develops.

 

I know how you feel though man, I had an ex a few years back who left me for another guy, really makes you question your self worth, you may want to take a break yourself and decide if you want to be with such an inconsiderate bitch.

 

At the moment I'm trying to get through a break up with a girl I was with for a year and a half, it's tough, we had a little argument about something she did and the next thing you know I'm being told she isn't in love with me anymore and isn't attracted to me anymore, those words cut like glass and she just came out and said it like it was nothing at all.

 

I don't know where it all came from or how it came to this, I didn't really get an explanation, not one that mattered anyway, she just wanted me to buy some of that sentimental bull ****, honestly right now there's nothing you can do, it's out of your hands, give it some time and just hope things work out for the best but keep your pride, no begging or pleading, remember, key note "nothing you say will make this right, only worse" spare yourself of that and try to move on.

[emva07]

block here everywhere. when she asks did you block me? "yup."

why, "i'm sorry i don't owe you an explanation for MY actions"

[USMCHokie]

You don't owe her a damn thing, especially not friendship.

 

Don't be a p*ssy.

[rainmayker]

UPDATE

 

I called her again to ask to "just talk" and she gave me such an attitude about it. "What do you want?" Was her first response. What a bitch lol.

 

I started off with the "it's okay for me to be friends with you and I want to get comfortable". I really did want to get comfortable, but this is the first time that I even thought of being friends with an ex. Not even sure if she's worth being friends with, seeing as how she just kept lieing to me.

 

Anyway, I just asked her how she usually handles "friends with ex's" and she didn't really want to tell me. I made her, though, and she told me that we just "hang out", and if the other person is dating someone, then it doesn't matter.

 

She put the emphasis on, "it doesn't matter", as if she were going to date someone right now. What a slut.

 

Then we talked about how she's moving on so fast, and that I was okay with her in that regard. I was still hurt, though, so I wasn't about to recover anytime soon.

 

She brought up that I didn't think she could make her own decisions about things. She couldn't. EVERY TIME we were talking on the phone, she was texting or typing to someone, and I heard the click-click-clicks. I knew she was typing to that douche-bag who likes ripping apart relationships.

 

I asked her to tell me the truth, if whenever we were talking, that she was ONLY talking to me and not typing behind my back to someone. (She's done it three times now). She couldn't face me and talk to me alone, that's for damn sure. Every time we talked, she needed someone to help push her into leaving me, or to push her into getting angry with me.

 

I hate people.

 

She lied to me right to my face. When I called her on it, she quickly changed it and said, "okay, so I did type to someone". Bingo. I was with her for TWO years, so I would know when she's typing to someone, especially when she makes loud clicking noises. I'm sure it was that douche-bag. She answered that, yes, it was the douche-bag, and he told her to say, "**** you" to me. Yes, this is a true story.

 

I told her that I don't even want to know what else they were talking about.

 

Basically, she had been saying all along that she could make her own decisions. But guess what? EVERY single time she was to make any decision, she had SOMEONE ELSE make them for her by MESSAGING to them behind my back! I just don't know how she could do these things, honestly.

 

From that point on, I knew she had been lieing about everything in the past, as well. From the start, I told her that she couldn't make her own decisions, and she just proved it.

 

Now for the best part: she got so pissed that she no longer wanted to talk to me. She said that she didn't like to be interrogated and that she didn't need to be treated that way. I said, hey, if that works for you, then that's fine by me, because I don't need another liar in my life.

 

A suitable ending, I think. The sad part is, I didn't call her to get into an argument, but she started the argument, and we ended up fighting. It's about time everything collapsed, anyway. I don't like sitting on the sidelines while she's flirting around with people, and with the people who wanted us to end so badly anyway.

 

Imagine if we were married and we had issues? She would immediately hit some guy up that she knew, bashed me in conversations, then ****ed him. C'mon now.

 

My head is a little more clear because of all of the adrenaline, but I think that it's best that she's not in my life.

[USMCHokie]

...I think that it's best that she's not in my life.

 

We could have told you that without you calling her and creating this drama. All it did was make you look like a clown. She was probably laughing with the other guy while you all were talking about how weak and petty you were acting.

 

I hope this serves as a lesson for you, which I'm sure it won't...

[CelticGibson]

Dear gawd man, take your balls back and stop this grovelling. She has proved time and time again that she has ZERO respect for you in her actions. Walk away and do not under any circumstances look back. That whole update was needless and unnecessary because it just served to give her the power to treat you a double dose of humiliation and pain.

 

Friendship is out of the question. Her actions have proved just how much she would value your friendship. There is only one thing to do here and that is walk away, go No Contact, delete everything and chalk it up to experience. Don't let anyone treat you like that again.

[rainmayker]

We could have told you that without you calling her and creating this drama. All it did was make you look like a clown. She was probably laughing with the other guy while you all were talking about how weak and petty you were acting.

 

I hope this serves as a lesson for you, which I'm sure it won't...

 

Definitely a lesson. Maybe I can make the same mistakes again and again, who knows?

[rainmayker]

Dear gawd man, take your balls back and stop this grovelling. She has proved time and time again that she has ZERO respect for you in her actions. Walk away and do not under any circumstances look back. That whole update was needless and unnecessary because it just served to give her the power to treat you a double dose of humiliation and pain.

 

Friendship is out of the question. Her actions have proved just how much she would value your friendship. There is only one thing to do here and that is walk away, go No Contact, delete everything and chalk it up to experience. Don't let anyone treat you like that again.

 

I wish you would have been able to tell me this earlier, I was so confused and lost. For an entire MONTH I was on the floor crying over her! First heartbreak for me, and it was rough, to say the least. It wasn't until today that I found out about her messaging the guy a few days before we broke up that I really decided to push all of those feelings aside.

 

After I called her the first time, it felt great. I felt more relieved. Then the final call, even though I wasn't planning on arguing (I really did want to know how to be friends), it turned into an argument. Complete closure.

 

I'm feeling a small bit of pain, but I now have some footing on the ground. Now I feel like I have control again. I know you may not understand it, but the pain was too unbearable for me and if this is what it took to get over her, then so be it. I needed this type of closure, even at the cost of my own dignity.

 

From this experience, I learned a lot and you can bet that I know what's coming next time around. Not gonna make the same mistake again (just going to make more mistakes so that I can see how things would turn out if I reacted differently). Not sure if I even want to fall in love again, actually.

 

Love doesn't seem to exist for me.

[CelticGibson]

Sorry for being so harsh. You did what you felt was necessary and you got the closure you needed. It's good that you have learned from this and that you are moving on.

 

Don't think for a second that love doesn't exist for you. It will again and again and again.

[rainmayker]

Sorry for being so harsh. You did what you felt was necessary and you got the closure you needed. It's good that you have learned from this and that you are moving on.

 

Don't think for a second that love doesn't exist for you. It will again and again and again.

 

I didn't take any offense from your comment at all, friend. I'm just happy to be getting some much-needed advice, rather than going through hundreds of dating articles on the internet. Sometimes, it's faster and easier to just ask the question on here and get some good feedback from the more experienced people!

 

That was the first time I had ever been in love, even after 12+ girlfriends. It hurt a LOT and I never want to go through it again! From now on, I am going to ONLY do short term dating (1-3 months) and for anyone that wants to have a long term relationship, I would have to first justify going into one because it hurt me so much the first time around. I DO NOT enjoy being locked into that situation with her and having no control!

 

Thanks for the advice

[rainmayker]

The ONLY time a man should remain friends with an ex is if he can happily sit in the living room watching TV while her ex is getting pounded out by another dude in the other room. And when that other dude comes out to go to the kitchen to get a drink, if you can give him a high five and a 'good game,' then you know you're over her and can be friends.

 

That's the only time.

 

Dude... I'm totally not over her and I could NOT do this at this point in time. Good analogy lol

[USMCHokie]

Dude... I'm totally not over her and I could NOT do this at this point in time. Good analogy lol

 

It wasn't an analogy. I meant it completely literally. Until you can do that, you have no business being her friend.

[rainmayker]

It wasn't an analogy. I meant it completely literally. Until you can do that, you have no business being her friend.

 

Gotcha lol

[Nicoleiia]

I hate when ex's want to be friends. They just want to ease their guilt because they know that they are horrible and are hurting us unnecessarily..I hate dumpers!

[rainmayker]

I hate when ex's want to be friends. They just want to ease their guilt because they know that they are horrible and are hurting us unnecessarily..I hate dumpers!

 

Amen, sister!

[rainmayker]

I've been depressed for nearly a month now.

 

I only started feeling better today when I read homebrew's article on GIGS that I felt 100x better! I have been mulling over it and literally ALL of the symptoms he described fit my ex, from making up lame excuses, to throwing away a perfectly good relationship, to moving on to some new douche bag even a few days before we broke up.

 

She made it seem like it was my fault, too, for not providing enough "attention" or love for her. I believed it like a poor AFC.

 

I went through several hundreds of posts on forums and even more dating articles than that. Do you want to know what made me feel a LOT better today? One of the articles mentioned that "you shouldn't be jealous or freaking out that she's having sex with someone else because, guess what? YOU ALREADY ****ED HER! Let her go. You had your fun. Now get a new fling, and you'll feel bright as new!"

 

It did... make a lot more sense in thinking that way. I really did have all of the fun and good times with her already. We had some good memories, so I have no regrets. Whatever happens now, happens, and it's not my fault because I did not choose to throw away our perfectly good relationship.

 

I fought to get her back, I did everything I could, including losing literally all of my dignity, and she still didn't want me back. Instead, she says that "we can be friends when I am ready, and maybe in the future we can get back together."

 

I asked my female friends what that meant, and they all said that she isn't coming back. That broke my heart a second time. They all, literally, said to just move on.

 

The the imagination goes wild and I begin thinking of things that they are doing together - sadistic things which just drove me mad! This went on for about two weeks, until today, when I started reading some PUA articles that said that it was all my fault that she left me, that I was too 'available' (which I was), and that had I kept her interested in me, she would still be here.

 

A lot of truth going on here, from both sides, and I think that my own combination of everything really paints the bigger picture.

 

Today, I let go of wanting to know what she's doing with that new guy and I keep moving forward with my career. No more wondering how many times they had sex today, or if she will move over to live with him, or if she ever thinks of me. I just need to know that she hasn't forgotten about me, and she never will. I had her for two beautiful years and even though it ended abruptly, I can at least say that I put in 100% effort into our relationship, even fought to keep it, tooth and nail.

 

I believe now that we weren't meant to be together in the end, and that this is how it should be. With all of these acceptances, I stopped checking her FB, her Skype, and I even stopped looking for her text messages on my phone. It's a magical thing, one month can do to a guy who's heartbroken.

 

I still will not be dating anyone, as I want to grieve some more, but at least now I am able to stand up again. Thank you guys for your help, and I'll keep you posted on my progress.

[soccerrprp]

 

She made it seem like it was my fault, too, for not providing enough "attention" or love for her. I believed it like a poor AFC.

 

It's not your fault if this is not true. Let's be real. Were you available and attentive as you claim? If so, it's not your fault. You say later that you were TOO available. Do you believe this? I can never understand why people would object to the attention that their loved ones provide, unless it was suffocating and controlling. But clearly this is not the case, right? She wanted more from you and according to her, she didn't give it. But you say that you were TOO available. Something doesn't mesh here...

 

I went through several hundreds of posts on forums and even more dating articles than that. Do you want to know what made me feel a LOT better today? One of the articles mentioned that "you shouldn't be jealous or freaking out that she's having sex with someone else because, guess what? YOU ALREADY ****ED HER! Let her go. You had your fun. Now get a new fling, and you'll feel bright as new!"

 

And none of them represent the absolute truth about relationships and dating. They were all written by people who have been hurt or perpetrated the hurt and now sharing their thoughts on the issue. You feeling better because you already F**ked her is totally insane and not an indication of healthy healing. It's simply another, crude and debilitating way to ignore the truth of how you really feel and further perpetuates a cynicism and objectivity of women that makes it and will make it more difficult for you to have a healthy relationship in the future.

 

It did... make a lot more sense in thinking that way.

 

Really? Made more sense?! Or did it simply help you stave off your true feelings and burden you into further denial. It doesn't make "more" sense to me. In fact, it further highlights how much you want to resolve yourself of the pain.

 

I really did have all of the fun and good times with her already.

 

Like some object to be played with? I don't think you really feel that way.

 

We had some good memories, so I have no regrets. Whatever happens now, happens, and it's not my fault because I did not choose to throw away our perfectly good relationship.

 

I fought to get her back, I did everything I could, including losing literally all of my dignity, and she still didn't want me back. Instead, she says that "we can be friends when I am ready, and maybe in the future we can get back together."

 

Feel good about the fact that you were the better person. Stronger, more faithful, more hopeful. Feel good about that the fact that this is what you have to offer the next woman, something that MOST women want. Don't go down that slippery slope of disdain and bitterness.

 

I asked my female friends what that meant, and they all said that she isn't coming back. That broke my heart a second time. They all, literally, said to just move on.

 

Yes, move on.

 

The the imagination goes wild and I begin thinking of things that they are doing together - sadistic things which just drove me mad! This went on for about two weeks, until today, when I started reading some PUA articles that said that it was all my fault that she left me, that I was too 'available' (which I was), and that had I kept her interested in me, she would still be here.

 

Today, I let go of wanting to know what she's doing with that new guy and I keep moving forward with my career. No more wondering how many times they had sex today, or if she will move over to live with him, or if she ever thinks of me. I just need to know that she hasn't forgotten about me, and she never will. I had her for two beautiful years and even though it ended abruptly, I can at least say that I put in 100% effort into our relationship, even fought to keep it, tooth and nail.

 

I'm proud of you for doing all you could. Some times one gets smacked with the reality of dating/relationships when we are the ones doing what we are supposed to do. The strong person fights, with earnest, for what he/she wants and takes risks....to the extent of being hurt emotionally.

 

I believe now that we weren't meant to be together in the end, and that this is how it should be. With all of these acceptances, I stopped checking her FB, her Skype, and I even stopped looking for her text messages on my phone. It's a magical thing, one month can do to a guy who's heartbroken.

 

I still will not be dating anyone, as I want to grieve some more, but at least now I am able to stand up again. Thank you guys for your help, and I'll keep you posted on my progress.

 

You WANT to grieve some more? Don't feel sorry for yourself. Get up and let the process of healing happen naturally. It will get better.

 

 

I am truly sorry for the end of the relationship and the way you describe it ended. It sounds like you were the more committed of the two for certain, but I also would like to share a few things that I feel that are not healthy or kosher. I have dispersed my thoughts in bold within your post....

 

Don't allow yourself to be so damaged and so bitter that you lose that romantic quality. It will only make things worse, more difficult.

[rainmayker]

I am truly sorry for the end of the relationship and the way you describe it ended. It sounds like you were the more committed of the two for certain, but I also would like to share a few things that I feel that are not healthy or kosher. I have dispersed my thoughts in bold within your post....

 

Don't allow yourself to be so damaged and so bitter that you lose that romantic quality. It will only make things worse, more difficult.

 

I can't seem to be romantic and keep a girl, sadly. I am thinking that what the other guys have said are true, that I really need to keep myself on a more 'light-hearted, entertaining level' rather than a more 'serious, marriage type' tone. I think that I was too available and 'safe' for her, and that's the reason why she left.

 

The fact is that we had our good times and that I have no regrets now that I fought until the very end. I'm satisfied with how I did things and although it still stings, I'm no longer drowned in heartache. I think that this pain will remain for a very long time, but I don't mind having it around as a reminder of what we had together.

 

Thank you for your input and I'll put some thought into your bolded phrases....

[soccerrprp]

I can't seem to be romantic and keep a girl, sadly. I am thinking that what the other guys have said are true, that I really need to keep myself on a more 'light-hearted, entertaining level' rather than a more 'serious, marriage type' tone. I think that I was too available and 'safe' for her, and that's the reason why she left.

 

The fact is that we had our good times and that I have no regrets now that I fought until the very end. I'm satisfied with how I did things and although it still stings, I'm no longer drowned in heartache. I think that this pain will remain for a very long time, but I don't mind having it around as a reminder of what we had together.

 

Thank you for your input and I'll put some thought into your bolded phrases....

 

You're not romantic? Or you are and that doesn't seem to work out?

 

I think it's wise to take things slowly in any relationship. There certainly is the risk of scaring people away when they see you are moving faster than they are accustomed or desiring at the time. I don't think it's because you were too available, rather, you were too eager, moving too fast, nothing giving her time to breath. Make more sense?

 

I know how you feel. My situation was very different, but I am fully satisfied that I did all that I could and never compromised who I was to do it. Even when it didn't work out. Again, my situation was different, but I am only made better by my experience, not more bitter. Do not become more bitter...it will certainly haunt your efforts to find someone special. I don't know if you should sound so satisfied having the feeling linger. You don't need that to remind you of how painful it was. Let it naturally, gradually dissipate or mitigate, but don't make an attempt to embrace as a constant reminder....not healthy I think.

 

You'll be fine. Just take things slow and still remain, romantic, consistent and attentive.

 

And another thing I didn't mention in my first post. All this bitterness that you are trying to scrounge up to help you cope, how does it jive with your feelings you had for her? It doesn't does it? You are lashing out, but you "loved" her? If you did, you wouldn't feel this way. If you do, then you never loved her and then how different are you from her? Just saying....

Edited May 15, 2013 by soccerrprp