Is There No Effective Deterrent to Cheating...?

[Emilia]

Hmmm, this is a good point of holding the aggrieved party accountable for their own choices. However, I don't think society does a good enough job of shaming the unsavory to dissuade people from choosing them as partners.

Since you are the OP, can I ask why you think it's society's job to do this and not yours? Don't you trust your own judgement?

 

Edit: also, why is cheating so bad? Humour me.

[USMCHokie]

Since you are the OP, can I ask why you think it's society's job to do this and not yours? Don't you trust your own judgement?

 

At the end of the day, no, I don't. Society shouldn't be held responsible for punishing them, but it should certainly provide me with the means to punish them myself. Or at the very least, protect myself from society for their misconduct.

 

Edit: also, why is cheating so bad? Humour me.

 

Lack of trust and respect. If you expect fidelity in me, then you should expect the same from yourself. I do not believe in open relationships, so if your requirement for an emotional and sexual connection from you is emotional and sexual exclusivity from me, and you give it to others for free, then we have a problem. I will not pay for something you give others for free.

 

But it only really irks me when it causes real and lasting effects, especially in the case of divorce. If someone I wasn't married to were to cheat on me, I'd be gone before they could even say they were sorry. If it were someone I was married to, I'd assuredly have measures in place to protect myself (and protect her in case I were to cheat).

[Emilia]

At the end of the day, no, I don't. Society shouldn't be held responsible for punishing them, but it should certainly provide me with the means to punish them myself. Or at the very least, protect myself from society for their misconduct.

Does it matter whether a person is faithful because they are scared of the consequences or because they want to be?

Lack of trust and respect. If you expect fidelity in me, then you should expect the same from yourself. I do not believe in open relationships, so if your requirement for an emotional and sexual connection from you is emotional and sexual exclusivity from me, and you give it to others for free, then we have a problem. I will not pay for something you give others for free.

 

But it only really irks me when it causes real and lasting effects, especially in the case of divorce. If someone I wasn't married to were to cheat on me, I'd be gone before they could even say they were sorry. If it were someone I was married to, I'd assuredly have measures in place to protect myself (and protect her in case I were to cheat).

I agree to a large extent and it's probably why I don't want to get married again. First time around it was fine financially because my ex husband and I didn't want solicitors to eat up our money so we sorted it between us. Second time around maybe I wouldn't be so lucky.

 

Well, in the US you can probably put that in your prenup so I suppose problem solved. However, if you end up having kids, it will be a very different matter.

 

How about not placing so much emphasis on money? I assume you come from a reasonably affluent background, inheritance money is protected by law from divorce so why worry? Wouldn't you be happier if you didn't worry about the injustice of it all quite as much? Or is this about control?

[Toddbt12y1]

Laws only exist to show what is wrong and what society deems as a whole, a fitting punishment. Each society views wrong differently. This is more individualized. Shaming them would have some(minor) impact. Better than "silent and tolerate." Atleast give a voice against it.

 

In the end, my point was made. There is no way to stop a person from cheating. People believe too selfishly these days to stop cheating. Serial is different. Ostracized. Shamed. Won't change much...Scarlet Letter.

 

You asked what are the effects on the person who was cheated on? A conscious assault. A break-down of the mental. A reconfiguation of the mind and spirit.

 

If you love someone and they cheat on you...the pain is immense. Not even the death of my dad compared to the pain or damage of my ex cheating.

 

Cheating, in a way(if not totally), is a form of mental abuse. I can tell you the constant strain it has on the mind. A weak mind leading to a weak body. Depression you have to battle.

 

An uncaring cheater will not care who or what they lose. They seek their own happiness. This society that would rather remain silent. Deter it weakly as if it is some mistake...is part to blame. Honestly, if I knew I could do something like this...the only loss was a family, but I still can carry forward(and I being serial) wouldn't be deterred.

 

I'd come online or read articles saying how I'm selfish, yes, but made a mistake and life lesson. Or do what made me happy. Ask the person who cared, who was cheated on..if it was a mistake and life lesson for the cheater.

 

It's a true misery. I felt....like I was in a vessel that was still alive, yet dead with no resolve...no spirit to care about the world around me. The world is quickly becoming selfish beyond anything it ever was before. Society caters to this.

[USMCHokie]

Does it matter whether a person is faithful because they are scared of the consequences or because they want to be?

 

A person should be faithful because they want to be and because they have integrity; but at the same time, I don't want them to feel encouraged to cheat because the courts will rule in their favor.

 

Well, in the US you can probably put that in your prenup so I suppose problem solved. However, if you end up having kids, it will be a very different matter.

 

Of course, the fate of children can never be determined in a prenup.

 

How about not placing so much emphasis on money? I assume you come from a reasonably affluent background, inheritance money is protected by law from divorce so why worry? Wouldn't you be happier if you didn't worry about the injustice of it all quite as much? Or is this about control?

 

Interesting you bring up control...because you've pointed out before that I need to be in control of things... I think I just want to have control of my own destiny. And it's more what the money represents than the money itself. How many men out there allow themselves to be completely disrespected and demeaned when they have to pay alimony to a cheating spouse which she goes on to spend on the very man she cheated with? These guys are in essence paying another man to bang out their wife.

 

It's also why I will NEVER pay for another man's child. If I end up with a woman with child, that kid's dad and her will be paying for everything for that child. I personally feel it quite demeaning to be made to pay for the issue of another man.

[Emilia]

A person should be faithful because they want to be and because they have integrity; but at the same time, I don't want them to feel encouraged to cheat because the courts will rule in their favor.

So do you believe that everyone is corruptible if the reward is big enough?

Interesting you bring up control...because you've pointed out before that I need to be in control of things... I think I just want to have control of my own destiny.

Do tell me if I bring it up too often but this is what I see and you don't seem to mind posting about it.

I don't think you can control your own destiny when others are involved.

And it's more what the money represents than the money itself. How many men out there allow themselves to be completely disrespected and demeaned when they have to pay alimony to a cheating spouse which she goes on to spend on the very man she cheated with? These guys are in essence paying another man to bang out their wife.

If you had kids, would you want to have full custody over them? This is not about 'oh yes you are like other men, you don't want to responsibility'. I'm genuinely interested whether you would have the kids and everything else that comes as marriage baggage. I can see why the situation you describe is emasculating. Sometimes I'm very glad I'm not a man

It's also why I will NEVER pay for another man's child. If I end up with a woman with child, that kid's dad and her will be paying for everything for that child. I personally feel it quite demeaning to be made to pay for the issue of another man.

What if you really loved that child just like your own?

[USMCHokie]

So do you believe that everyone is corruptible if the reward is big enough?

 

No, but it's rare to find the truly incorruptible.

 

Do tell me if I bring it up too often but this is what I see and you don't seem to mind posting about it.

I don't think you can control your own destiny when others are involved.

 

Oh, no, I agree with your assessment.

 

If you had kids, would you want to have full custody over them? This is not about 'oh yes you are like other men, you don't want to responsibility'. I'm genuinely interested whether you would have the kids and everything else that comes as marriage baggage. I can see why the situation you describe is emasculating. Sometimes I'm very glad I'm not a man

 

It is extremely emasculating and insulting. And if I had kids, I would fight for full custody but would settle for half. In my mind, if she finds cheating acceptable in her judgment, then she probably has poor judgment with many other aspects of life; and those kids are probably going to end up pretty f*cked up. I'd prefer to avoid that.

 

What if you really loved that child just like your own?

 

You know how I have no problem with emotional detachment...? Yea, that. Easy day.

[Emilia]

No, but it's rare to find the truly incorruptible.

Agreed. I'm extremely lucky to know some men who are like that. Hence not being part of the bitter brigade, thank God.

It is extremely emasculating and insulting. And if I had kids, I would fight for full custody but would settle for half. In my mind, if she finds cheating acceptable in her judgment, then she probably has poor judgment with many other aspects of life; and those kids are probably going to end up pretty f*cked up. I'd prefer to avoid that.

That's fair.

You know how I have no problem with emotional detachment...? Yea, that. Easy day.

Nah, I don't believe that's the case at all. You just need to have less concerns over how you are perceived, etc and loosen up a bit. I think you are an ordinary guy in his late 20s in this context.

[USMCHokie]

Nah, I don't believe that's the case at all. You just need to have less concerns over how you are perceived, etc and loosen up a bit. I think you are an ordinary guy in his late 20s in this context.

 

All I meant by that is I would never allow myself to become emotionally attached. I'd treat them like a friend and nothing more. And with the frequency that my friends come and go, I never develop a insurmountable attachment to them.

[Emilia]

All I meant by that is I would never allow myself to become emotionally attached. I'd treat them like a friend and nothing more. And with the frequency that my friends come and go, I never develop a insurmountable attachment to them.

Does control of emotions ever become a competition with the other person? Truthfully.

[USMCHokie]

Does control of emotions ever become a competition with the other person? Truthfully.

 

What do you mean? That whole idea of trying to be the one who "cares less"? No, not at all. I think after my first breakup, I was never able to fully emotionally attach to someone; that is, if they suddenly left one day without a trace, I wouldn't be hurt in the slightest and would just approach it in a very matter of fact manner.

 

It doesn't mean that I can't be emotionally attached to someone; rather, I am able to detach and not be affected. So I can be 100% invested in a relationship, but the moment it ends, I can go to 0% just like that, rather than transition to 90% invested, or 25% invested, and so on.

 

You could say my emotions are binary. Or at least discrete. It's either on or off...if you've got me, you get all of me. But once you lose me, you have none of me.

[Emilia]

What do you mean? That whole idea of trying to be the one who "cares less"? No, not at all. I think after my first breakup, I was never able to fully emotionally attach to someone; that is, if they suddenly left one day without a trace, I wouldn't be hurt in the slightest and would just approach it in a very matter of fact manner.

 

It doesn't mean that I can't be emotionally attached to someone; rather, I am able to detach and not be affected. So I can be 100% invested in a relationship, but the moment it ends, I can go to 0% just like that, rather than transition to 90% invested, or 25% invested, and so on.

 

You could say my emotions are binary. Or at least discrete. It's either on or off...if you've got me, you get all of me. But once you lose me, you have none of me.

 

Ok, I don't want to derail your thread so I'll reserve judgement until there is a thread on attachment, etc

[crederer]

You hold them accountable by leaving them.

[USMCHokie]

You hold them accountable by leaving them.

 

But what about the house, the money, the kids? What if by leaving them, they take that from you?

[crederer]

Well then you murder them!

 

Just kidding. But sometimes there are things more valuable than money and no one can take your kids from you unless you let them/been a bad dude.