what to think.......i'm in huge shock

[kylie]

I am very, very hurt, upset and confused right now.

 

My boyfriend of 10 months, was nothing but rapt in me. He would do anything for me, we'd speak every night for about 3 hours on the phone, see each other about 3 times a week. We related to each other amazingly, were very, very close, we were each others best friends as well as lovers, and very in love.

 

Then out of nowhere, he dumped me. This cut me like a knife, and it still does.

 

What hurts the most is I found out roughly a week or so after we split up, that he had started to see another girl. This devestated me, but what was worse, was I found out that his sister said she saw photos of another girl in his room. About a week and a bit after we split up, we were talking (I didn't know about the photos then), but he told me he was seeing someone else. He'd seen her about twice since we split up. The next day, I found out he had photos in his room. I was crushed to the core.

 

This has shocked the hell out of me and cut me deeply. I am so very confused. I am very depressed because he is the last person I would have expected this from. He treated me like royalty, right from the beginning to the very end and we were so incredibly close. We had an enormous amount in common and a great deal of happiness together.

 

How can someone who loves you so much, would do anything for you, who thinks the world of you and treats you like gold, do this? he made me think i was everything to him and was actually scared of me ever breaking up with him.

 

I never sensed for one single, solitary moment, that something was wrong. Up until the day he broke it off with me, everything appeared to be great.

 

I can't make sense of this and I am so depressed. This was the last thing I expected to happen, and the last person I thought would do something like this.

 

Somebody, please help me understand. I am at a such a loss.

[Tony T]

The key to your answer lies in your fourth paragraph from the bottom.

 

He obviously had fears of abandonment. This usually begins with the emotional and/or physical abandonment of the person as a child by someone very close such as a parent, grandparent, etc. Deep fears form very young that if you start to love someone very deeply, they will leave you.

 

You said youself he had expressed fears that you would leave. Unless they had fears of abandonment, nobody would in a great relationship like you describe would mention this or even think about this. It's rather a paradox that a guy like this will treat a lady like absolute gold in order to keep her around...yet at the same time be terrified she will leave.

 

Fact is that many ladies who have guys who are too nice or who treat them way too good will soon leave anyway. I'm sure this has happened in the past but because you have a pretty good self image you could handle to good treatment. A lot of ladies he has experienced probably got sick of his kindness and the fact that he wasn't much of a challenge. You didn't and it probably puzzled him big time...it probably scarred him to death. Because a guy who is afraid of abandonment is usually just as afraid of someone sticking around and accepting him. The more someone accepts him, the more he loves him, the more he knows he will be hurt when it ultimately ends.

 

You may be one of the few great relationships he's had. It may have even happened by accident. Usually, those with these fears choose relationships with people they automatically know are not going to stay around, making them more emotionally predictable.

 

So by leaving you and finding someone else to cling to right away, in his mind he was saving himself from re-experiencing the traumatic abandonment he went through as a child. Ask him if you see him again...ask him which person he loved left him as a child.

 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, he did you a favor because this would have never lasted. The person he remains with for a long period will be someone who is emotionally distant...someone he can't get too close to...and that will feel safe to him. If he's not emotionally close, he won't be hurt.

 

In the future, when you start to date someone, find out what kind of childhood they had...what kind of family they came from. If there was an early divorce or if his parents were abusive, alcoholic, or otherwise dysfunctional...think real hard if this is something you really want to explore...no matter how attracted you may be.

 

I am really sorry you were hurt by this guy. But I guarantee, you weren't the first and you won't be the last. I hope this has put things in a little perspective for you. Life gets kind of complicated sometimes.

[kylie]

hi tony,

 

thanks for replying to me, i'm really grateful for your time and your thoughts.

 

fortunately, he doesn't come from a dysfunctional family. his parents have always had quite a good relationship. i'm actually the one who has come from a divorced family, but i don't have a problem with it (it was for the best, and i'm well adjusted).

 

i know that in some ways he is quite insecure. i'm not really sure why though. i know part of it is that i've been with a few more people than he has, and there were a couple of times i know he felt somewhat inadequate within himself, as though he had to somehow measure up (not anatomically) to the men in my past. i never gave him any reason to think this though, because he knew he was everything to me. it was so obvious how much i loved him.

 

when one of my friends broke up with her boyfriend, he was worried i might do the same to him. she broke up with him out of nowhere (he did not expect it at all), and he was scared that the same thing might happen to him. how ironic. that's what's happened to me. he also had fears of me leaving him for someone else. i don't know why, because he was the best thing that ever happened to him.

 

he was just so, so rapt in me. part of me wonders if these intense feelings scared him, because he didn't want to lose what we had, so he left because he couldn't bear the thought of me someday leaving him. he could spare himself from his fear, by getting in first and fiding someone to cling to straight away. that way it 's easier for him to handle because he doesn't have to deal with these feelings of loss. it's easier for him to cling to someone else because it takes his mind off me.

 

he told me i'm the best girlfriend to ever grace his life, and that i'm so beautiful. he said he knows he missing out on so much with me, but he feels this is the best thing to do because he doesn't know how to deal with things.

 

i know he's confused. he said he doesn't know what he's doing anymore, and that he hurts he's not with me, but he has to try and get over me.

 

i cannot put into words how much this guy was rapt in me, and i was just the same with him.

 

i wonder if he had no idea his feelings for me would be so intense that the thought of ever losing me became too much for him and he scared himself so much and ran to avoid it. he was head over heels with me.

 

he asked me if we could be friends, but i just can't do it. if i'm around him, i will always want him. our relationship was one of the few that people can actually say were great. if i'm his friend, i will always want that back, and not to mention, i can't bear the thought of him with someone else, even if he does tell me that she will never compare to me, and that she has nothing on me. i feel it would be far too painful for me.

 

did i do the right thing there tony?

The key to your answer lies in your fourth paragraph from the bottom. He obviously had fears of abandonment. This usually begins with the emotional and/or physical abandonment of the person as a child by someone very close such as a parent, grandparent, etc. Deep fears form very young that if you start to love someone very deeply, they will leave you.

 

You said youself he had expressed fears that you would leave. Unless they had fears of abandonment, nobody would in a great relationship like you describe would mention this or even think about this. It's rather a paradox that a guy like this will treat a lady like absolute gold in order to keep her around...yet at the same time be terrified she will leave. Fact is that many ladies who have guys who are too nice or who treat them way too good will soon leave anyway. I'm sure this has happened in the past but because you have a pretty good self image you could handle to good treatment. A lot of ladies he has experienced probably got sick of his kindness and the fact that he wasn't much of a challenge. You didn't and it probably puzzled him big time...it probably scarred him to death. Because a guy who is afraid of abandonment is usually just as afraid of someone sticking around and accepting him. The more someone accepts him, the more he loves him, the more he knows he will be hurt when it ultimately ends. You may be one of the few great relationships he's had. It may have even happened by accident. Usually, those with these fears choose relationships with people they automatically know are not going to stay around, making them more emotionally predictable.

 

So by leaving you and finding someone else to cling to right away, in his mind he was saving himself from re-experiencing the traumatic abandonment he went through as a child. Ask him if you see him again...ask him which person he loved left him as a child. Unfortunately, or fortunately, he did you a favor because this would have never lasted. The person he remains with for a long period will be someone who is emotionally distant...someone he can't get too close to...and that will feel safe to him. If he's not emotionally close, he won't be hurt. In the future, when you start to date someone, find out what kind of childhood they had...what kind of family they came from. If there was an early divorce or if his parents were abusive, alcoholic, or otherwise dysfunctional...think real hard if this is something you really want to explore...no matter how attracted you may be.

 

I am really sorry you were hurt by this guy. But I guarantee, you weren't the first and you won't be the last. I hope this has put things in a little perspective for you. Life gets kind of complicated sometimes.

[Tony T]

There is no point in being around someone if you are going to hurt. A friendship would not be an honest one if you had more than just friendly feelings.

 

It seems logical that he would want you as a friend because to him you would be much less likely to suddenly abandon a friendship. My guess is that he may adopt a strategy of befriending ladies he feels strongly about rather than engaging in relationships with them where there is a threat of abandonment.

 

This dude's got a real problem.

 

I still think there were some dynamics in his family or origin, I don't care how normal and nice they seem, that has made him so insecure as an adult.

 

You did the right thing. You have to look out for yourself and your feelings. His abandonment issues are his to deal with, not yours. It is tragic that this had to happen with such a great relationship. Breaking up isn't just for bad relationships anymore.

[Deejette]

Staying friends with him wouldn't work. You are right not to want to hear about his new activities with his new girlfriend.

 

I don't think he was all that great of a guy to do what he did to you in that way. I mean, he blind-sided you. It was all sweetness and light until, bang! It's all over.

 

He may have been seeing this girl behind your back for a while, which also makes him not that fabulous a guy.

 

You may be putting him on a pedestal he does not deserve.

There is no point in being around someone if you are going to hurt. A friendship would not be an honest one if you had more than just friendly feelings. It seems logical that he would want you as a friend because to him you would be much less likely to suddenly abandon a friendship. My guess is that he may adopt a strategy of befriending ladies he feels strongly about rather than engaging in relationships with them where there is a threat of abandonment. This dude's got a real problem. I still think there were some dynamics in his family or origin, I don't care how normal and nice they seem, that has made him so insecure as an adult. You did the right thing. You have to look out for yourself and your feelings. His abandonment issues are his to deal with, not yours. It is tragic that this had to happen with such a great relationship. Breaking up isn't just for bad relationships anymore.