Threesome. Having difficulty with my girlfriends past.

[milleniumd]

I'm writing looking for a little advice if anyone out there can help to sort my messed up head out.

 

To keep it nice and short I have been seeing a girl now for about 7 months. (I'll call the girl Jennie but this isnt her real name) She worked in my gym and Ive always got on well with her for over 2 years. One day she looked really down and I asked what was wrong. She told me her partner and father of their child had told her he didnt love her anymore and that she had to move out. I had just left my girlfriend of 3 years and was in the going out every weekend state of mind. I have a large group of friends and asked 'Jennie' if she would like to come out with us one evening.

 

She did, made her feelings for me very obvious, told me she had liked me for ages. I knew she wasnt lying as her friend lives opposite me and some nights when drunk she had left her friends house to knock on my door to say 'hello.' I was with my previous girlfriend at the time and saw it was Jennie on the cctv but never let her in.

 

Anyway, one thing lead to another and we are now an item. The other evening we had a discussion when drunk about sex and previous partners. Now I'm a pretty open minded individual and dont harbour any grudges but when she told me about her sexual history I could feel the colour drain from my cheeks. We are both from the same vicinity and of a similar age and grew up knowing the same people.

 

It appears that she had slept with at least 7 people that I know and used to school with. This hurt, not that she had previous partners but because I knew them and still do. What really kicked me in the nuts though was that she had a threesome with two of them. Only once but that was all I needed to hear. I've not told her its hurt me as we're very open with each other and I dont want to jeopardize the trust we have. It happened over 12 years ago and she told me she regrets it but its really niggling me. I have to be honest and say that the thought of two people I know, enjoying what was rapidly becoming the love of my life really hurts and I cant deny it.

 

I'd just about gotten my head round this when she then told me that she had another threesome with her previous partner's best friend and his wife just over 18 months ago. Her partner was my predecessor the one I mentioned earlier in the post. They have a child together. The partner wasnt there at the time but it sickens me that she could do that to him especially with his best friend and his wife. I'll be honest and say that I get a feeling that she will inflict something like this upon me or am I being paranoid?

 

I havent told her i'm pretty disgusted but should I have a right to be? I'm no angel Im the first to admit and I would hate for anyone reading this to think I'm being a hypocrit because the girl has had an active sex life. Its the fact that the threesome was with people I know and if she can cheat on the father of her child whilst they are living together, well, is she going to do the same to me?

 

I have to admit I have never had so much attention from a girl in my life. She is with me any minute she gets free, tells me she loves me, helped me out financially when I needed it and has dropped an enormous hint that she would like to stay with me forever. Her friends tell me she has never been so happy and I can see it in her face that she is. Our sex life is wonderful, we laugh a lot and we connect. She has also told me that I have "got her." She will "never be unfaithful to me, because if that happens there will be something wrong in our relationship" and because we get on so well and I "satisfy" her "sexually and in compatability." She has told me she has never ever felt like this before about anyone. I admit she is like a ray of sunshine in my life. I am a confident, rational and allegedly good looking bloke and admit I love her very much.

 

For some reason though the alarm bells are ringing. Am I insecure, or do I have nothing to worry about? Should I think the threesome was so long ago its irrelevant and the fact she had another one with her partners best friend was merely a fact that their relationship was in a mess anyway? Or should I leave her? I really dont have a clue. Can anyone help? I would so very much appreciate it.

[honey2005]

I think a person's sexual history is in the past and should be left there. What she did before had nothing to do with you so don't put yourself in it. She has done nothing to you to make you question your trust in her, so don't. Leaving her for something she has done in the past would be very hypocritical IMO unless you yourself have never done anything sexual.

[milleniumd]

Thanks for your reply Honey. Really appreciate you writing back. I dont want to leave her and accept that we all have a past. I also dont want to spend my life worrying. Whats concerning me is that if she can do what she did to the father of her child whilst they were still together then Im concerned something similar could happen to me. I dont want to be hurt and I cant help that. Peoples histories make up the identities they are. Im asking these questions because I simply dont know what to do. You are right, I dont have any reason not to trust her but knowing your girl has had a threesome with people you see on a day to day basis isnt easy. That may not make me sound cool but I am being honest.

[bluechocolate]

I just never get this.

 

First of all I don't really care about what went on sexually in my partners past. We've been seeing each other 9 years & living together for 5 & have never once, not once, discussed it. Because I don't care. And I don't know why people do.

 

It's a history that you weren't a part of. And that's just the point - it's history. It should be your future that you're thinking about.

 

Well now you know. And your're worred that she'll do the same to you. Once again, it's a history that your weren't a part of. You don't the situation & you didn't know her then either. People can, and do, change.

 

Its the fact that the threesome was with people I know

 

That to me sounds like the crux of your problem. Not that she had a sexual past but that she had sex with people you know. You should get over it.

 

Disgusted is a strong word. If this really bothers you then stop seeing her.

 

She's been way too honest with you, perhaps because she thought you may have found out anyway. I would hate to think that one day when your relationship is going through a rough patch, and that will happen, that you'll use that honesty against her.

[milleniumd]

Phew.........well, thanks for the ermmmmm kind words. I didnt ask her, she told me. I'm very happy that you have such a 'concrete' relationship and are so very self assured. Traits I can obviously only aspire to.

[Mr Spock]

If you're not comfortable witha threesome, TELL her. That way she understands you would find it unacceptable. Just enjoy the fact you have someone who likes sex and is fairly uninhibited. Don't let your ego screw this up.

[honey2005]

She's been way too honest with you, perhaps because she thought you may have found out anyway.

 

Or maybe she really does love you as much as she says and feels like she can tell you anything. You said that her and her ex (the father of her child) were having a rocky relationship when she had the threesome. That doesn't excuse the fact that she cheated, but it does tell you that she didn't really love him when it happened. She really loves you and said herself that she would never be unfaithful to you. What's happened is in the past, no amount of agonizing is going to change that. Why not stop worrying about it and focus on the future, like Bluechocolate suggested. You can't change the things she has done, but you do have control over what you do with her in the future. I agree with Spock, tell her that the threesomes made you feel uncomfortable and that you don't want that to ever happen while she's with you. She probably has no idea that you're even upset by this.

[NatoPMT]

Of the 2 issues….First off she’s been jiggy with people you know. Manchester’s a pretty small city, I come from near Blackpool and close on every single person you meet has a history you can trace right back to someone you know. This isn’t pleasant, but don’t let it ruin a potentially good relationship. This is your issue not hers, you have to deal with it on your own as far as I am concerned. She cant change her past and its made her who she is today – you should be grateful that she’s had every experience she has because without it she wouldn’t be the person you are falling in love with. I disagree with the lovely Spock on this one, you only need to tell her you are uncomfortable with 3-somes if she suggests one.

 

2nd off, you are worried about her doing the do behind your back. This one is the one to talk through with her. Being unhappy in a relationship is NO excuse to be unfaithful. If you aren’t happy with someone, you try to work it out or leave, not be unfaithful. What you need to do here is ensure she knows she can talk to you about anything, without fearing you will be judgemental or dismissive of her. Then if anything goes wrong, she will be able to tell you and not express her unhappiness through cheating. You need to tell her she can tell you anything (hence if you come down on her like a puritan judge over the 3-somes, she’s not going to want to tell you her darkest feelings about you if it needs to be said). Just tell her you understand cheating is a symptom of relationship problems, if she ever gets to that stage she must talk to you first. Then you get a fighting chance of dealing with it.

 

BB

[milleniumd]

Those are very reassuring and almost soothing words. I would never throw it back at her for what she has done because i care about her so much. I like the person she is today and I dont want to change her as I believe thats manipulative and then she wouldnt be the person I love. Ive struggled with the threesome thing as its people I know and as you have stated 'up North' everyone seems to know everyone else. If I think the relationship starts to slip, then I will speak to her and ask if we can resolve it before we do anything stupid but the way we are together at the moment I cant see this happening. I feel rotten really for being worried when all she has done is be honest with me but it did come like a kick in the stomach. It would be easier to forget if I didnt keep seeing the 2 lads in question. If you can give me any tips on how to block them out of my mind I would really appreciate it. Thanks again for your reply.

[NatoPMT]

Glad I could help a bit.

 

Erg, tips for blocking it out? I don’t actually know how I manage it, whenever I think something I know I shouldn’t be thinking I mentally shake my head and say no to myself, then immediately do something else or think about something else – phoning someone is a good distraction. I just kind of stop myself obsessing. I wont allow myself to think about things I know aren’t worth thinking about from experience I know I am doing myself harm and its really, really not helping.

 

Bee tee doubya – its not up north – its oop north. Tut tut.

[CurlyIam]

Hi,milleniumd

 

I think I have a different perspective here. You worry about how she'll react when things might het rocky between you two.You have the right to be worried, considering how she has handled the situation before.

 

If you are able to solve all your problems through talking, it is great. It will also make you the luckiest person I know, for in my life, crises come all off the sudden and catch people off guard. They make the parteners doubt eachother and only lots of love and confidence brings the couple to the communication stage again.

 

Right now your relationship is all sunshine and happiness. Maybe you should simply wait untill the first problems start to show to see how she reacts. To see what she'll do.

 

I mean, of course I do not think it is any use to judge someone who has been sexually active, but it is important to see if there's any pattern in their behaviour. Like if shes so angry with you, she'll do a threesome with your friends, isn't it? For this is what you really worry deep inside, don't you?

 

 

 

 

Frankly, I'd be scared s***less too. I see no way ou of this situation either, than to wait, see, maybe test and definitely trust her. In the end, it is a matter of being able to live and trust someone with such a past. It doesn't make you a bad person if you are happy with her. Or if you realise that on the long run you need more security. For it is all in your head.

 

 

 

I say: "Think about this relationship of yours a LOT. Take your time to know her and see how she reacts when she gets defensive or feels threaterned. Because, as we all have done mistakes and are guilty of higher or smaller sins, what she did in her past is no piece of cake either. Love her with all your heart and trust her if you can. But see if you can do this on the long run. Not only now, but later in life too. HAve the courage to give up if you realise that you cannot trust her completely."

 

 

No matter what you decide, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Remember that it is more than natural to have doubts, to have questions and lots of insecurities. Most of these are inherent to any relationship and quite easy to surpass. But after some time spent with the SO, I think you know. You know if she's the one, if it's working or not, irrespective of other people, her past, etc. Have the courage to look inside and face whatever you find there.

[EC]

Short and simple:

 

 

You fell in love with her for her..for the way she makes you feel...for the way that she has treated you and for everything that she has done for you and for the way she has shown her love for you.....

 

You fell in love before knowing anything about her past and thats all it is her past. Leave it there and don't let it affect your future.

[milleniumd]

Hello there, you are absolutely correct, of course its oop, no up. And boy is it grim up here today. Thanks for the distraction tips. I'll certainly try that. My girlfriend has absolutely no idea that I'm worried and I intend to keep it that way. You guys on here are brilliant. I've tried talking to 2 of my best mates and as they know the 2 lads involved they said dump her, they couldnt live with it. I didnt really want to do this. I came on here I guess to ask advice as to how to accept the issue really and I'm getting so much help. If it all goes belly up then I can say at least I tried but Im pretty sure it wont come to that. Learning to accept something is making me feel so much better about myself, it makes me feel stronger if that makes sense. I'm 38 and have never had a single worry about a relationship in the past so i felt a bit odd coming on here at first, but I'm so glad i did, THANK YOU>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[milleniumd]

Hello there, thanks for writing. I have to admit of all the replies I have received yours is the one that seems to have hit the nail on the head about how I'm feeling. You seem mentally a very strong person and I'm hoping that some of this will rub off on me. Yes I am scared, I cant deny it and am not afraid to deny it. Its why I came on here. I'm not concerned so much with her trying it on with my mates as they have said they would hit the roof and we are such good mates I know this would never happen. What concerned me about the threesome with her partners best friend and his wife is that their son was only 4 at the time and its such a blatant disregard for her partners feelings. If I had discovered that any of my girlfriends had done the same thing with my best mate and his wife I'd crumble. I guess most people would. I want to be strong and I want to wait and see what happens as you have suggested. Do you believe a leopard can change its spots? Id be really interested in reading your reply.

[tanbark813]

You should watch 'Chasing Amy'.

[FolderWife]

Well, the 12 years ago thing should be left alone.....but the sleeping with my live in partner's best friend and his wife thing rings a bad tone Ask her if her boyfriend consented. If not, just flat out tell her that bothers you, and tell her why, and tell her that it's going to take some time for you to accept that.

[honey2005]

maybe test and definitely trust her.

 

If he tests her, how could that possibly be showing trust?

[CurlyIam]

My mother said trust must be tested all the time. I hated her for it. Now that I'm older, I think I know where she came from.

[FolderWife]

trust must be tested all the time

 

Hey! That makes sense

[CurlyIam]

Millenium,

 

I wish I could tell you what I think and know what I'm talking about. I have only had 2 serious relationship, the

last one being with my current bf, I've started my sex life at 20, have been with only 2 men so far (not in the same time or bed ).

 

Anyway, it's not like she cannot help eating chocolate. We're talking about having sex with someone else while still being in a relationship. I don't know. Maybe she can keep strong and cherish this relationship.

 

It's not like she has a disease she cannot controll. You must remember that she chose to do those things. She chose to cheat, she chose whom to cheat with. That's what's scaring me.

 

Ask her why she did it. Ask her what she was trying to do or prove, what she was seeking. Ask her what drove her there. Listen to her answers very carefully, my friend.

 

I know one can be cheated no matter when and by no matter whom, without necessarily having reason, so it's hard to imagine you can prevent that. But you can choose whom to trust. You can look at facts. You can hear what she has to say. There is no judge and jury, but didn't she knock on your door when she was drunk knowing you had a gf?

 

 

Lots and lots of if's... See how she is when you have a fight, see how she acts when she has ben drinking.... Take the time to know her before the deciding anything.

 

 

I mean I can tell you anyone can change. For a while. Forever? I hope so for you

 

Is this who she really is? Certainly not. Does it tell a story about her? Yes, it does.

 

The question here is not whether or not she can change. Not me or you can either know or decide this. The question here is can you live with her on the long run? And do you have he courage to find out and do something about it....

 

That's your job.

 

Talk to her, be honest to her and if you honestely think you can be happy with her, don't be afraid to catch this chance with both hands.

 

HAve a great week,

 

Curly

[BodhiMind]

I disagree with constantly testing and judging someone you are supposed to be trusting.

 

Ever hear of a "self-fulfilling prophecy"? By constantly testing, watching, and being critical of her every move, and always analyzing it for signs of dishonesty and signs that she will be somehow untrue to you, you will:

 

a) Not be yourself. You will be some sort of machine analyzing information that you will fit neatly into your "she will cheat on me" construct.

 

b) You will not be living in the moment. The reason you fell in love with her, and her with you, is because of the way the two of you interacted. Sex is one thing, but lasting relationships and true love are based on how someone really makes you feel deep down inside. In your constant testing, you'll be messing with this chemistry. You won't be there fully.

 

c) In not being there fully, you won't be happy. You will waste your time and energy on obsessing about what "could happen" or what has "happened in the past." You will blame not being happy on her. On her PAST. SHE HAS DONE NOTHING TO YOU.

 

d) You will be missing out on what is one of the best things life has to offer; TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED. Perhaps the relationship might end. At a minimum, you will be missing out on spending time with someone you love, and someone that loves you.

 

Don't waste your time. Life is short. Love doesn't come along all that often. What is wrong with really trusting someone? Would it be your fault if it turned out that you shouldn't have? No; it would be her fault for being dishonest.

 

She already told you that she never felt this way about anyone. Isn't that a new beginning for you and her?

 

You can't trust someone half way. You can't love someone from a distance. You can't stand way back from a beautiful flower and say "is that flower beautiful? i can't quite see it...." Decide whether to take the leap and maybe have a chance to be happy and be in love, or to cut it off because you can't see beyond someone's past.

 

It comes down to you feeling insecure about yourself, about your ability to keep her happy so she won't cheat on you, and your fear of getting hurt.

 

Are you going to let FEAR and INSECURITY control your life?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I read your previous post and something jumped out at me.

Did she say she would not be unfaithful to you and that if she did it would mean there is something wrong in the relationship? Hello,

it seems to me that she is saying that if things are great she will be faithful but that she is justified in being unfaithful if your relationship turns rocky? By the way, in general a person's past behavior is the best indicator for future behavior. People hate to hear this but it is true.

 

I would be more upset that she has been unfaithful in the past but apparently did not have any problem cheating on her boyfriend who she had a child with in a threesome with her boyfriend's best friend. This was at least a double betrayal.

At the very least, it sounds like she has a broken moral compass.

I would be very weary because her history indicates she feels justified in cheating if she feels the relationship has diminished.

All relationships goes through ups and downs. Why would you wish to live with such uncertainty in a relationship? I would suggest that you look for someone who respects themselves and the value of a committment in a relationship. Your girlfriend sounds like she has neither. I wish you luck.

[UCFKevin]

SAME exact thing happened with my ex.

 

She had a threesome. I was bothered big time for it. It bothered me for a while, and I honestly thought about not seeing her anymore because it bothered me that much, but eventually I just thought about it less and less and my love for her eclipsed the feelings I had regarding the threesome.

 

It sucks, but you get over it. That's all I can really say. You aren't wrong for feeling how do you, so don't feel ashamed for it and don't let anyone tell you the past doesn't matter because it does to you, and that's what counts.

[milleniumd]

Wow someone who actually feels the way i did....Thank you..Its great getting replies of people who are happy to give advice but it doesnt always sit that well when dealing with what you are going through. You are absolutely right. Ive just stopped thinking about it and the more time we spend together the less it comes into my mind. I wanted to be cool and say it didnt bother me but it did. It doesnt seem to anymore which is great. Thanks for your reply, take care of yourself.

[UCFKevin]

Very glad to hear it. Getting over it was just a matter of time. It WILL enter your minds every now and then but just let it be and move on.