Will it come out eventually?

[Sotired75]

Hi there

I am not sure where to start and I hope this all makes sense.

Nearly three weeks ago I finally caught my husband out for cheating and I think it's been going on for a while.

Bit of background, we have been married for 5 years and have 2 kids one who only recently turned one and is a difficult baby, not a lot of sleep in the last 12 months if you know what I mean. She also would only breastfeed and so I have been attached to her literally for the last year until she learned to take a bottle.

Husband has become distant, man late nights, occasionally not coming home until the next day and says he was out with mates. Started working out, well actually we both did just to get fit and lose a bit of weight.

 

His mood has changed, quite aggressive, no compliments at all and we have had sex maybe twice since the baby was born. I have commented jokingly that he must have been having an affair!

 

Anyway, it's been getting worse and then after being out at sports training the other night he then didn't come home after the game for about 4 or 5 hours. There was something in my mind which was telling me that all wasn't right and I confronted him when he got home. Kids were asleep.

As I am talking to him, he gets a text message and I demand to see it, it's from a male and it says your welcome, goodnight with a x on it. I yell at him to tell me who it is and he says I'm a psycho and its a bloke he works with. To which I say why would a bloke you work with be sending you a message like that now on the weekend when you haven't seen him???

 

I was so filled with rage that I texted his best mate that works with him to ask him about the name on the phone, he has never heard of him and tells me so. I ring his work and they also have never heard of him.

 

So I tell him he's busted and he's a liar and a cheat. He keeps calling me crazy and psycho and deluded as I was diagnosed with post natal depression a few months back but now I knows that a lot of my feelings were probably justified when it camera feeling so alone with the kids.

 

I beg him to talk to me and be wont. I called his mother and told her, burst into tears and he has lied to her and his family as well about us. Told them that I have asked him to move out as I am accusing him of an affair and that I'm bat**** crazy with depression etc. they don't know about the text ps, the late nights, the behaviour etc but she mentions she will talk to him in person as this will be better. She actually rings him that night and lies again to her over the phone as I am standing there about the text...

 

I have gone though the angry stage and had him yell at me that he doesn't love me, he's only here for the kids, our marriage has been bad for ages etc etc...so I have told him he needs to move out as he won't admit what he's done, won't see a counsellor (which I am doing on my own) and he says ok.

 

It's been three weeks, he hasn't gone, claims he s looking at rental properties blah blah but is here making dinner and watching tv but literally ignoring me. What the hell?

 

Is it only a matter of time until he admits it. It will come out yes? I haven't to s anyone as I think he should be man enough to admit it. His brother had an affair a few years back and he took the high moral ground with him...

 

Is three weeks a long time? Why deny even after you have been caught? Does he seriously think he won't get caught and how can I get him to leave. I shouldn't have to move the kids and disrupt their lives because of him.

 

Need loads of advice.

 

Thanks

 

Xx

[TaraMaiden]

Talk to his mother.

Get her to invite him over.

In the meantime, pack all his things and take them to her place.

 

File for Divorce.

Change the locks.

 

This may be illegal, but he will have to get a court order to make you change them back.

 

But once he's out, strategies will have to be worked out to properly administer all property, goods and chattels.

He will have to support you and the kids, and keep a roof over their heads....

 

Seek legal advice - but get him out of there any way you can.

[ComingInHot]

Sotired, it sounds like you accused him based on one text. This is difficult w/out support especially when all H has to do is deny as the text didn't read anything more than thanks for hanging...

Have you checked the phone log for this number reappearing multiple times?

Have you Called the number to see if a man or woman answers?

Do you have Any other physical evidence to hand to H so he can Not lie and/or deny?

 

Trust your gut but obtain concrete proof. It will be painful but it will also help you in how to proceed*

Best to you darlin'

[TaraMaiden]

Have you checked the phone log for this number reappearing multiple times?

Have you Called the number to see if a man or woman answers?

Do you have Any other physical evidence to hand to H so he can Not lie and/or deny?

 

Trust your gut but obtain concrete proof. It will be painful but it will also help you in how to proceed*

Best to you darlin'

 

ComingInHot, don't you think the bold bits are themselves highly incriminating on their own....?

 

Hi there

I am not sure where to start and I hope this all makes sense.

Nearly three weeks ago I finally caught my husband out for cheating and I think it's been going on for a while.

Bit of background, we have been married for 5 years and have 2 kids one who only recently turned one and is a difficult baby, not a lot of sleep in the last 12 months if you know what I mean. She also would only breastfeed and so I have been attached to her literally for the last year until she learned to take a bottle.

Husband has become distant, man late nights, occasionally not coming home until the next day and says he was out with mates. Started working out, well actually we both did just to get fit and lose a bit of weight.

 

His mood has changed, quite aggressive, no compliments at all and we have had sex maybe twice since the baby was born. I have commented jokingly that he must have been having an affair!

 

Anyway, it's been getting worse and then after being out at sports training the other night he then didn't come home after the game for about 4 or 5 hours. There was something in my mind which was telling me that all wasn't right and I confronted him when he got home. Kids were asleep.

As I am talking to him, he gets a text message and I demand to see it, it's from a male and it says your welcome, goodnight with a x on it. I yell at him to tell me who it is and he says I'm a psycho and its a bloke he works with. To which I say why would a bloke you work with be sending you a message like that now on the weekend when you haven't seen him???

 

I was so filled with rage that I texted his best mate that works with him to ask him about the name on the phone, he has never heard of him and tells me so. I ring his work and they also have never heard of him.

 

So I tell him he's busted and he's a liar and a cheat. He keeps calling me crazy and psycho and deluded as I was diagnosed with post natal depression a few months back but now I knows that a lot of my feelings were probably justified when it camera feeling so alone with the kids.

 

I beg him to talk to me and be wont. I called his mother and told her, burst into tears and he has lied to her and his family as well about us. Told them that I have asked him to move out as I am accusing him of an affair and that I'm bat**** crazy with depression etc. they don't know about the text ps, the late nights, the behaviour etc but she mentions she will talk to him in person as this will be better. She actually rings him that night and lies again to her over the phone as I am standing there about the text...

 

I have gone though the angry stage and had him yell at me that he doesn't love me, he's only here for the kids, our marriage has been bad for ages etc etc...so I have told him he needs to move out as he won't admit what he's done, won't see a counsellor (which I am doing on my own) and he says ok.

 

It's been three weeks, he hasn't gone, claims he s looking at rental properties blah blah but is here making dinner and watching tv but literally ignoring me. What the hell?

[ComingInHot]

Tara,

Oh he$$ Yes I do!!

I was just thinking, for those WS's who will simply lie & deny to Everyone til the "cows come home", physical evidence is pretty hard to deny or lie around. Ya know?

And So tired called his mother and I'm concerned that mom may be somewhat inclined to believe her child w/out hard proof.

When I outed H, I had proof so when the few who said, "oh no he'd never do that, you must misunderstand..." the proof I had, helped in their support of me, H, our R and/orD and M.

 

That's all I'm sayin'**

but ya, totally agree he's got someone on the side..

[TaraMaiden]

She spoke to his mother.

His mother spoke to him.

he lied to her, over the phone, while Sotired75 was actually standing next to him..

 

This man sounds despicable.

 

I've mentioned this before, but a friend of mine had a wayward BF whom she broke up with - he lived off her, ate her food, used her tv and computer and didn't have a job....She tried desperately in all ways she could think of, to get him to leave. He never moved from his four favourite positions: bed, couch, computer, toilet.

He came down from his bedroom one morning (they had separate rooms) and he saw her sitting on the couch...

 

He asked her how long she'd been up...

 

She replied she hadn't slept. She couldn't sleep.

It was all she could do to fight this dreadful irresistible urge...

 

What urge? he asked.

 

'The one I have every night of coming into your room, and stabbing you while you're asleep.'

she replied, pulling a long kitchen knife from behind her back.

 

he was gone 2 days later.

 

She would never have done it, of course.

She planned the whole thing.

But it worked.

[TaraMaiden]

Sotired75, in all fairness, unless you do have far more substantial proof of his definite cheating, and a lot more to go on than the information you have, pinning this down iS going to be difficult.

 

But I would certainly consult a lawyer, and definitely file for divorce, if it looks as if he has totally left the building, metaphorically speaking.

 

Has he completely indicated and transmitted to you that this is over?

 

In that case, (being so) you have nothing to lose by serving him with papers....

[Realist3]

As mentioned above it is pretty hard to accuse someone of cheating based on one text.

 

While the other stuff may raise red flags it too does not in and of itself prove cheating.

 

He may very well be cheating but all of this together presents a very weak case, certainly not enough to file divorce over.

[BetrayedH]

He's not going to confess on his own and if he does, it'll be some watered-down version of the truth. The pattern is to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. Painting you as the crazy one is called, gaslighting, and it is both common and cruel. If they tell you anything, it'll be only what you already know and maybe a little bit more so you think you have the whole truth. After that, they trickle the truth in little bits and pieces. It's a gawd-awful process to endure when you just want to know the truth.

 

You need to quietly go into investigative mode. Buy a voice activated recorder and place it under his seat or under the steering column. Consider buying a GPS tracker; I caught my wife at a hotel the first time I used it. Check internet history, phone/text records, financial records, and swipe his phone when you're able. Consider a keylogger for his computer as long as it's not owned by work. In the meantime, I would play quiet and stupid.

 

Once you have firm evidence, pack his bags, put them on the front lawn, change the locks, and call his OW to come and pick up his stuff because he's moving in. Then file for divorce and request that the court grant you exclusive use of the marital home thru the divorce proceedings.

 

My $.02 anyway.

Edited May 12, 2013 by BetrayedH

[KathyM]

I think you have enough evidence already. He stays out all night on several nights. Getting text messages late at night. That's not the behavior of a faithful man. I'd suggest you contact an attorney and see how you should proceed to get him out of the house. Demanding the truth is not going to get you anywhere. He has shown he will lie and deny, so it's unlikely you are going to get any confession out of him.

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

You are female so where is the detective in you? Don't we all have a little detective somewhere in us? Ha! I'd be throwing a GPS tracker in his car, or putting a GPS app on his phone. I'd be getting phone records. I'd be spying on him after work & on the weekends. I'd be calling numbers. I definitely wouldn't be relying on his mates to tell you anything. Use your intuition and keep on him. The truth will come out sooner or later.

[waterwoman]

So sorry. You must be in bits To be frank, regardless of whether he is or isn't having an affair, his behaviour is unacceptable. Do you want to stay with a man who treats you this way?

[Jenn.Smith]

^

That, a 100 times over. Cheating or not his behaviour is cruel/abusive. You do not deserve that.

[Owl]

I've got to agree with the others here...it doesn't actually matter if he's cheating or not.

 

The way he treats you is unacceptable.

 

Personally...you need to take action to initiate divorce/seperation and end your marriage to him.

 

Just on the grounds of him treating you the way he is really is enough reason to leave him...infidelity is irrelevant.

 

If he is cheating, he'll never admit it. But it's obvious that he doesn't love you nor treat you with the least bit of care or respect. Just based on that...sounds to me like it's time to go. No further 'proof' or 'evidence' on cheating required.

 

Make it happen. You'll be happier.

[Sotired75]

So it's been 4 weeks since the infamous texting and things have gone from bad to worse.

I have tried to be calm and talk to him and it just ended up in a slanging match. Him calling me a bad wife, a bad mum, crazy, he doesn't love me etc...

His exact words were I only want to see the kids and have half the house so I am like ok.

Told him he had to move out. He asked for some money from our joint account for rent bond etc and I said sure and to keep receipts, he blows up and says what do you think I would be using it for? And I am forcing him to move out...

I really can't take it anymore...

I am so sad and can't believe I love him. He's the father of my two beautiful children and I never thought this would happen.

I think the thing that is getting to me the most is the constant denial of any wrong doing. I bring up who the person is on the text and he won't answer, just changes the topic and calls me crazy. This person does not exist for a reason! I think he actually thought I would just forget about it and he could keep on doing it. Will it help me to find out more information if I can about her. I am in Australia and he is a police officer so it's hard.

Anyway, he has gone out today with me thinking he is looking for a place to live but I know he has already found a place and is paying the deposit on Wednesday because I found the receipt. Be interesting to see if he lies about that when he comes home too...

Why can't his world come crashing down like mine? He isn't hurting at all. He's lied to his family about what's happening and I am really upset about that as the are my family too. I really want to shout t out to the rooftops but know that's not taking the high ground and I don't want the kids to be affected.

So he moves out? Do I stay silent? D I just wait for it to come out?