When the BS found out....

[wanting more]

Here's where I think most people will never be able to understand these situations unless you're in it

 

 

Our A continued after the first d-day. Underground?? Not sure those are the words I'd use. We were a little more careful, yes. But we still met out for lunch often, we didn't hide out in cars with dark tinted windows behind buildings or under bushes. We didn't text as much on weekends but we still texted. He told me everything he knew would make me happy and content. We still traveled together. Some people may say the A was deeper, darker, underground. I wouldn't.

 

Some people say they could never be that OW who throws away her self respect and dignity to continue the A. I continued and never lost my self respect or dignity. I was the OW (yes hoping for a future with xMM at the time) but as the OW, I knew xMM had to get things in order. (I do look at it differently now but then I didn't)

 

I also hear BS who could never understand an OW letting herself be used, or made to feel 2nd, but for me, I don't understand how if your WS continued to lie after d-day, continued the A knowing how much he'd hurt you, how do you accept that, or get passed it?? That I don't understand.

 

 

(my response is not that I'm looking for someone to try to get me to understand how BSs accept or deal with their R, it's just pointing out that sometimes BSs, fOW and OW have circumstances in their lives that me, a fOW who will never get involved in an A again just cant understand or relate to)

[canuckprincess]

Here's where I think most people will never be able to understand these situations unless you're in it

 

 

Our A continued after the first d-day. Underground?? Not sure those are the words I'd use. We were a little more careful, yes. But we still met out for lunch often, we didn't hide out in cars with dark tinted windows behind buildings or under bushes. We didn't text as much on weekends but we still texted. He told me everything he knew would make me happy and content. We still traveled together. Some people may say the A was deeper, darker, underground. I wouldn't.

 

Some people say they could never be that OW who throws away her self respect and dignity to continue the A. I continued and never lost my self respect or dignity. I was the OW (yes hoping for a future with xMM at the time) but as the OW, I knew xMM had to get things in order. (I do look at it differently now but then I didn't)

 

I also hear BS who could never understand an OW letting herself be used, or made to feel 2nd, but for me, I don't understand how if your WS continued to lie after d-day, continued the A knowing how much he'd hurt you, how do you accept that, or get passed it?? That I don't understand.

 

 

(my response is not that I'm looking for someone to try to get me to understand how BSs accept or deal with their R, it's just pointing out that sometimes BSs, fOW and OW have circumstances in their lives that me, a fOW who will never get involved in an A again just cant understand or relate to)

 

May I ask how long after dday number one you continued with mm before you ended up in a open relationship? I wonder once the bs knows about an affair how long can it be kept "underground"?

[Spark1111]

Here's where I think most people will never be able to understand these situations unless you're in it

 

 

Our A continued after the first d-day. Underground?? Not sure those are the words I'd use. We were a little more careful, yes. But we still met out for lunch often, we didn't hide out in cars with dark tinted windows behind buildings or under bushes. We didn't text as much on weekends but we still texted. He told me everything he knew would make me happy and content. We still traveled together. Some people may say the A was deeper, darker, underground. I wouldn't.

 

Some people say they could never be that OW who throws away her self respect and dignity to continue the A. I continued and never lost my self respect or dignity. I was the OW (yes hoping for a future with xMM at the time) but as the OW, I knew xMM had to get things in order. (I do look at it differently now but then I didn't)

 

I also hear BS who could never understand an OW letting herself be used, or made to feel 2nd, but for me, I don't understand how if your WS continued to lie after d-day, continued the A knowing how much he'd hurt you, how do you accept that, or get passed it?? That I don't understand.

 

 

(my response is not that I'm looking for someone to try to get me to understand how BSs accept or deal with their R, it's just pointing out that sometimes BSs, fOW and OW have circumstances in their lives that me, a fOW who will never get involved in an A again just cant understand or relate to)

 

AndI am not here to convince you.....

 

BUT he's crying, he's pleading,he's telling the BS everything he told the Ow plus some....

 

And the BS wants to believe it is all true, JUST LIKE THE OW wants to believe it.

 

BUT the BS has just boarded the crazy train and has moments of unbelievable anguish and pain and wants to know why, and demands details, and initially, these MM do not have the courage to face the consequences of their actions so they call the one person on the planet who will STILL make them feel good and understood....the AP.

 

Do you not understand how conflict-avoidant these cheaters are?

[Spark1111]

I NEVER accepted it.

 

I THREW HIM OUT to go be with his soul mate. I wished them well.

 

He elected to NEVER tell her he had carte blanche to be with her. He did not want her as a full-time replacement for me. It would not have been as much fun, as drama-filled, as exciting as an affair.

 

...not as dangerous...not as "hot" .....not as naughty.

 

He told her he had to try to work on his marriage....his children....and started stalking me to make sure I was not out finding HIS replacement.

 

He told her NONE of what was truly going on after DDay except the usually baloney to elicit her sympathy.

[HonestNeurotic]

I haven't had a Dday. Though I am certain one will eventually happen. And when it does, then it's OVER. No way I can go through all kinds of hoops and such to remain in some kinda stealth mode. Though I kinda hafta wonder if THAT, that having to be hidden like some cee eye aye operative is much of the draw, the pull, to carry on an illicit affair. That - "I got away with something" feeling. I dunno.

 

I am in an open marriage and he is not. We've had this discussion. I told him when his wife finds out, he will just go :poof: from my life. I have no reason to hide or lie. He says that he'll still find a way. Although I am pretty sure that she would throw him out. And I don't want him that way. Love within the affair compartment as Pierre preaches. That's more than enough drama for me. I am already meticulously mindful of ways that people get "caught" and hence our contact is very minimal outside of seeing each other in person. Now if his BS accepted that, allowed him to be in an open relationship, well, then I'd continue.

 

I think that my MM would eventually find another OW. It might take him awhile, but he'd go and look for another one. I think THAT scenario happens more often than we know. i.e., the WS is caught in an affair, breaks off that affair, and then just has another one. Some guys, like my ex MM, are in it just for the sex, and some, like my current MM, are feeling like they have yet to meet the love of their life and that they "settled".

[ladydesigner]

And the BS wants to believe it is all true, JUST LIKE THE OW wants to believe it.

 

Absolutely. My WH did the same exact thing, sobbing, begging, texting. I can go on and on. Not only that but he has put up with all my relentless rage and cycling emotions from the ptsd I have suffered from the infidelity. I mean seriously if my WH wanted to leave he would've left. I have been quite a bitch this last year.

 

I believe the MOW in our situation finally realized what a prick my WH is because on our last DDay he told her she almost ruined his life. Nice right? Real nice guy.

 

If my WH wasn't so convincing I would have left. I have been tortured through this process and I'm sure MOW was too. It's just awful. I don't want to be here after multiple DDays, but WH is putting more into our M than I am at the moment. I am still getting my footing and self-esteem back. It's sad that we love the same men who hurt us both the OW and the BS.

[Quiet Storm]

Oh definitely, but so does the inverse:

 

The MM begging, sobbing to reconcile, claiming he NEVER loved the OW, he loved how willing she was to be available to him; that while he cared for her, he was never leaving me or the marriage. it got out of hand and he did not know how to get out of it.....

 

While still staying in contact with her....just in case I was serious about D his lying, cheating azz....

 

he'd have his fall-back, Plan B girl welcoming him with open arms. I saw the lies he was telling her too, don't forget.

 

Why any woman would sign up for this is beyond me. DDay is the perfect time to declare your love for your AP, pack a suitcase, call the lawyer and leave for good.

 

Very true.

 

My post below applies to the majority of MM, the ones that stay married.

 

Many BS know their WS has flaws. They've seen him for years in all kinds of circumstances. They know he's conflict avoidant. Or a people pleaser. Or that he has an unrealistic need for validation and attention. They've been there, done that with him. In other situations, outside of an affair.

 

So although BS is betrayed, angry & hurt- with time she can often understand his thought process. She hates his choice, but can see how his flaws and weaknesses led him down the affair path. OW can often see this, too.

 

This knowledge often trivializes the romance aspect of an affair, the soul mate stuff...because BW can see it's all about WH ego. She knows it's not about that particular OW, or OW's personality, or OW & WS's compatibility. It's all about WS, his needs and what he says to get those needs met. She realizes it could've been any woman, and OW is just the one that was willing to take on that role in his life. It's all about his needs, roles, and how she makes him feel.

 

Many BS see an affair as a workable problem that can be solved. It is often seen like an addiction. Kind of like, it's WS problem, but I'll help him through it. She understands it's about him, not her. Just like addiction, the lies and sneakiness are related to his issues, his flaws. Things that get be explored, dealt with and improved. And she stands by him while he works to better himself. For better or for worse. (she often acknowledges & works on her own issues, as well.)

 

When you look at romantic relationships as being about roles and needs (unrealistic ones or not) it makes sense how OW can be dropped in an instant. It's not really about OW personally, or the connection. It's about her role. In the A, she is complimenting WS, admiring, attentive, listening to him, enjoying all her moments with him. She is meeting many of his needs, even if they are unhealthy, external needs.

 

When the A is exposed, it shines a light on the wayward's needs. BS will often step up and be more willing to meet those needs. And -this one's important- marriage counseling or individual therapy often gets WS to see that his needs aren't always realistic. Counseling educates him, and he finds healthier ways to meet needs and cope with conflict. He gains insight into his behavior. He's not just on a quest to meet needs and feel feelings anymore.

 

Pierre's affair bubble concept fits well with this. WH does love OW, in the affair bubble. He loves how she makes him feel. He loves feeling excited, wanted, admired, loved. He loves having an outlet, unrelated to his marriage. He loves the lack of commitments and/or expectations. He loves that OW loves him.

 

However, at D-day, all the things he loved in the affair bubble often become associated with turmoil. He doesn't have a secret way to be selfish anymore...now BW knows, making it seem sneaky & mean. The affair becomes an even bigger threat to the marriage, and he's more aware than ever that he wants to keep his marriage. He may feel responsible for his wife's pain. He may see what the drama is doing to his kids. Although she is not to blame for his affair, his wife may look back and see ways that she neglected him. He may realize her "neglect" was related to disappointments & laziness on his part, or maybe she was overwhelmed with parenthood, household, career, etc. They may learn new communication skills in couseling, and he may work on his character issues that contributed to his dishonesty.

 

D-day often results in a communcation breakthrough for the married couple, because the intensity of the emotions allow true feelings to be expressed. Things that have been brushed under the rug, disappointments, lack of consideration, poor communication, buried resentment...all the things that have been pushed down for years often pour out of both spouses in one long & teary night. It can be a relief to the WS, and a new beginning for the marriage.

 

Many MM seek out OW because they PERCEIVE that their wives are not doing enough to meet their needs in the marriage. They feel entitled, and seek others to meet those needs. I'ts not usually because they no longer wish to be married to the wife. OW is a supplement to the wife- not a replacement. A d-day is often the catalyst for positive change, both for the marriage and the wayward.

 

OW is often discarded because he doesn't really consider her feelings. He feels bad about it, but he is not concerned enough about her to risk threatening the marriage. Outside of the affair, the love doesn't work. It doesn't benefit him and threatens the life he wants to keep.

 

I know OW is often blindsided. It doesn't make sense how all his feelings can change in a matter of hours. He was so genuine, so real. OW, understand that he is flawed man. He was selfish in getting involved with you, and probably hates that he had to hurt you in order to keep his marriage. Him not choosing you is not a reflection of you as a person. Take it as a lesson learned, greive, work on healing & moving forward.

[Decorative]

Very true.

 

My post below applies to the majority of MM, the ones that stay married.

 

Many BS know their WS has flaws. They've seen him for years in all kinds of circumstances. They know he's conflict avoidant. Or a people pleaser. Or that he has an unrealistic need for validation and attention. They've been there, done that with him. In other situations, outside of an affair.

 

So although BS is betrayed, angry & hurt- with time she can often understand his thought process. She hates his choice, but can see how his flaws and weaknesses led him down the affair path. OW can often see this, too.

 

This knowledge often trivializes the romance aspect of an affair, the soul mate stuff...because BW can see it's all about WH ego. She knows it's not about that particular OW, or OW's personality, or OW & WS's compatibility. It's all about WS, his needs and what he says to get those needs met. She realizes it could've been any woman, and OW is just the one that was willing to take on that role in his life. It's all about his needs, roles, and how she makes him feel.

 

Many BS see an affair as a workable problem that can be solved. It is often seen like an addiction. Kind of like, it's WS problem, but I'll help him through it. She understands it's about him, not her. Just like addiction, the lies and sneakiness are related to his issues, his flaws. Things that get be explored, dealt with and improved. And she stands by him while he works to better himself. For better or for worse. (she often acknowledges & works on her own issues, as well.)

 

When you look at romantic relationships as being about roles and needs (unrealistic ones or not) it makes sense how OW can be dropped in an instant. It's not really about OW personally, or the connection. It's about her role. In the A, she is complimenting WS, admiring, attentive, listening to him, enjoying all her moments with him. She is meeting many of his needs, even if they are unhealthy, external needs.

 

When the A is exposed, it shines a light on the wayward's needs. BS will often step up and be more willing to meet those needs. And -this one's important- marriage counseling or individual therapy often gets WS to see that his needs aren't always realistic. Counseling educates him, and he finds healthier ways to meet needs and cope with conflict. He gains insight into his behavior. He's not just on a quest to meet needs and feel feelings anymore.

 

Pierre's affair bubble concept fits well with this. WH does love OW, in the affair bubble. He loves how she makes him feel. He loves feeling excited, wanted, admired, loved. He loves having an outlet, unrelated to his marriage. He loves the lack of commitments and/or expectations. He loves that OW loves him.

 

However, at D-day, all the things he loved in the affair bubble often become associated with turmoil. He doesn't have a secret way to be selfish anymore...now BW knows, making it seem sneaky & mean. The affair becomes an even bigger threat to the marriage, and he's more aware than ever that he wants to keep his marriage. He may feel responsible for his wife's pain. He may see what the drama is doing to his kids. Although she is not to blame for his affair, his wife may look back and see ways that she neglected him. He may realize her "neglect" was related to disappointments & laziness on his part, or maybe she was overwhelmed with parenthood, household, career, etc. They may learn new communication skills in couseling, and he may work on his character issues that contributed to his dishonesty.

 

D-day often results in a communcation breakthrough for the married couple, because the intensity of the emotions allow true feelings to be expressed. Things that have been brushed under the rug, disappointments, lack of consideration, poor communication, buried resentment...all the things that have been pushed down for years often pour out of both spouses in one long & teary night. It can be a relief to the WS, and a new beginning for the marriage.

 

Many MM seek out OW because they PERCEIVE that their wives are not doing enough to meet their needs in the marriage. They feel entitled, and seek others to meet those needs. I'ts not usually because they no longer wish to be married to the wife. OW is a supplement to the wife- not a replacement. A d-day is often the catalyst for positive change, both for the marriage and the wayward.

 

OW is often discarded because he doesn't really consider her feelings. He feels bad about it, but he is not concerned enough about her to risk threatening the marriage. Outside of the affair, the love doesn't work. It doesn't benefit him and threatens the life he wants to keep.

 

I know OW is often blindsided. It doesn't make sense how all his feelings can change in a matter of hours. He was so genuine, so real. OW, understand that he is flawed man. He was selfish in getting involved with you, and probably hates that he had to hurt you in order to keep his marriage. Him not choosing you is not a reflection of you as a person. Take it as a lesson learned, greive, work on healing & moving forward.

 

 

This is so very, very true.

[MissBee]

Even with the horrible relationship my bf had with his stbxw, it really wasn't ever okay. I don't even mean him or what was going on in his life. I was not happy being OW. I spent a lot of time being torn because my feelings for him and my own guilt fought against one another. I'm glad he's out of the marriage, and I'm glad I know in my heart that he would have left with or without me. If he had gaslighted her (he did for a couple of weeks) for very long I would have walked.

 

I am proud of my relationship, but I'm not all that proud of how we got here. I wish we had waited until he'd left.

 

Those were my feelings as well.

 

I was never a "happy OW."

 

I was happy sometimes, but underlying all of that, I was never comfortable with the affair and I could rationalize it only to an extent, but never got to the point where I embraced it, defended it, or would have been happy to continue endlessly or upon a dday and certainly, if I had to witness him in the action of lying and gaslighting, I don't see how I could feel wonderful to be with him in light of that. It would have been a huge buzz kill for me.

[MissBee]

I don't see it as insulting if the A goes further underground. I wasn't hidden at all really, exception being his wife didn't know about me. However, if you've signed up as an OW I think you've probably had the debate with yourself and decided whether it's acceptable to be hidden or not, so the depth to which you are hidden, today versus yesterday, I don't find an urgent issue. It might mean little change for the OW in fact.

 

I guess how one feels upon a dday is indicative of how they felt before about the A/being an OW.

 

If you are an OW who is happy to be in the A, and are of the mind, as I've seen, that he can throw you under the bus so long as he comes back, or are married yourself, then I imagine, it would have little effect as it is not different from your current expectations/desire.

 

If however, you are an OW waiting for him to leave, who isn't comfortable with an A but are involved because you see it as a temporary, uncomfortable situation but hope for it to be resolved into an open R, then a dday where you get less time, more minimized etc. will more likely register as more insulting or make you feel disillusioned.

 

And as a human being....I think lots of people don't admire when their loved one is behaving in less than noble ways. Diff strokes for diff folks but, for me, as I said, I was never comfortable in the A but if it got to where there was a dday and I know his SO caught him and they are pretend reconciling and he is turning up the lies and deceit, it doesn't get my juices flowing, I'd actually become less attracted to him upon confronting the ugly behavior. But maybe I am just bizarre, which could be it :laugh:

[SweetiePie12]

If you are an OW who is happy to be in the A, and are of the mind, as I've seen, that he can throw you under the bus so long as he comes back, or are married yourself, then I imagine, it would have little effect as it is not different from your current expectations/desire.

 

Exactly. There can be a dday sans AP's knowledge. Being an AP requires a tremendous amount of independence.

 

And as a human being....I think lots of people don't admire when their loved one is behaving in less than noble ways.

 

True.

[wanting more]

May I ask how long after dday number one you continued with mm before you ended up in a open relationship? I wonder once the bs knows about an affair how long can it be kept "underground"?

 

We never had an open relationship. After d-day #2 he threw me under the bus quicker than you can say POS.

[ladydesigner]

Very true.

 

My post below applies to the majority of MM, the ones that stay married.

 

Many BS know their WS has flaws. They've seen him for years in all kinds of circumstances. They know he's conflict avoidant. Or a people pleaser. Or that he has an unrealistic need for validation and attention. They've been there, done that with him. In other situations, outside of an affair.

 

So although BS is betrayed, angry & hurt- with time she can often understand his thought process. She hates his choice, but can see how his flaws and weaknesses led him down the affair path. OW can often see this, too.

 

This knowledge often trivializes the romance aspect of an affair, the soul mate stuff...because BW can see it's all about WH ego. She knows it's not about that particular OW, or OW's personality, or OW & WS's compatibility. It's all about WS, his needs and what he says to get those needs met. She realizes it could've been any woman, and OW is just the one that was willing to take on that role in his life. It's all about his needs, roles, and how she makes him feel.

 

Many BS see an affair as a workable problem that can be solved. It is often seen like an addiction. Kind of like, it's WS problem, but I'll help him through it. She understands it's about him, not her. Just like addiction, the lies and sneakiness are related to his issues, his flaws. Things that get be explored, dealt with and improved. And she stands by him while he works to better himself. For better or for worse. (she often acknowledges & works on her own issues, as well.)

 

When you look at romantic relationships as being about roles and needs (unrealistic ones or not) it makes sense how OW can be dropped in an instant. It's not really about OW personally, or the connection. It's about her role. In the A, she is complimenting WS, admiring, attentive, listening to him, enjoying all her moments with him. She is meeting many of his needs, even if they are unhealthy, external needs.

 

When the A is exposed, it shines a light on the wayward's needs. BS will often step up and be more willing to meet those needs. And -this one's important- marriage counseling or individual therapy often gets WS to see that his needs aren't always realistic. Counseling educates him, and he finds healthier ways to meet needs and cope with conflict. He gains insight into his behavior. He's not just on a quest to meet needs and feel feelings anymore.

 

Pierre's affair bubble concept fits well with this. WH does love OW, in the affair bubble. He loves how she makes him feel. He loves feeling excited, wanted, admired, loved. He loves having an outlet, unrelated to his marriage. He loves the lack of commitments and/or expectations. He loves that OW loves him.

 

However, at D-day, all the things he loved in the affair bubble often become associated with turmoil. He doesn't have a secret way to be selfish anymore...now BW knows, making it seem sneaky & mean. The affair becomes an even bigger threat to the marriage, and he's more aware than ever that he wants to keep his marriage. He may feel responsible for his wife's pain. He may see what the drama is doing to his kids. Although she is not to blame for his affair, his wife may look back and see ways that she neglected him. He may realize her "neglect" was related to disappointments & laziness on his part, or maybe she was overwhelmed with parenthood, household, career, etc. They may learn new communication skills in couseling, and he may work on his character issues that contributed to his dishonesty.

 

D-day often results in a communcation breakthrough for the married couple, because the intensity of the emotions allow true feelings to be expressed. Things that have been brushed under the rug, disappointments, lack of consideration, poor communication, buried resentment...all the things that have been pushed down for years often pour out of both spouses in one long & teary night. It can be a relief to the WS, and a new beginning for the marriage.

 

Many MM seek out OW because they PERCEIVE that their wives are not doing enough to meet their needs in the marriage. They feel entitled, and seek others to meet those needs. I'ts not usually because they no longer wish to be married to the wife. OW is a supplement to the wife- not a replacement. A d-day is often the catalyst for positive change, both for the marriage and the wayward.

 

OW is often discarded because he doesn't really consider her feelings. He feels bad about it, but he is not concerned enough about her to risk threatening the marriage. Outside of the affair, the love doesn't work. It doesn't benefit him and threatens the life he wants to keep.

 

I know OW is often blindsided. It doesn't make sense how all his feelings can change in a matter of hours. He was so genuine, so real. OW, understand that he is flawed man. He was selfish in getting involved with you, and probably hates that he had to hurt you in order to keep his marriage. Him not choosing you is not a reflection of you as a person. Take it as a lesson learned, greive, work on healing & moving forward.

 

Wow this is a great post and I think it best explains what happens most of the time after DDay. I mean word for word. My WH is conflict avoidant and needs constant validation. I am pretty sure that OW would soon tire of this after awhile too. It's not easy to just constantly stroke someone's ego yet not get yours stroked back. My WH also claimed that I neglected him when in fact truth of the matter was that I was being neglected. He worked 7 days a week and he came home late. Would not spend quality time with me or the kids. He worked with MOW everyday and their relationship grew and ours suffered. My WH also has had poor boundaries since Day 1, I just didn't know the extent of it until this latest A he had.

 

Maybe some BS are abusive towards WS and maybe some did withhold sex for years, but usually it is the WS who is the broken one and the OW comes in for the rescue. At least the MOW in our sitch did. It was a standard case of saving each other from their big mean spouses. My WH was looking for someone to make him feel special and loved (even though he already had that) and she wanted someone to save her from her abusive H. My WH was her knight in shining armor.

[2sure]

I am hoping this isn't true, because I did neither on discovery of my H's infidelity.

 

If there is a next time, he will be leaving.

 

PS Where I live, it isn't possible to just file for divorce without being apart for a year.

 

Your husband knew you had options and he didn't. I was here with you, you meant business and he knew it.

[Spark1111]

Wow this is a great post and I think it best explains what happens most of the time after DDay. I mean word for word. My WH is conflict avoidant and needs constant validation. I am pretty sure that OW would soon tire of this after awhile too. It's not easy to just constantly stroke someone's ego yet not get yours stroked back. My WH also claimed that I neglected him when in fact truth of the matter was that I was being neglected. He worked 7 days a week and he came home late. Would not spend quality time with me or the kids. He worked with MOW everyday and their relationship grew and ours suffered. My WH also has had poor boundaries since Day 1, I just didn't know the extent of it until this latest A he had.

 

Maybe some BS are abusive towards WS and maybe some did withhold sex for years, but usually it is the WS who is the broken one and the OW comes in for the rescue. At least the MOW in our sitch did. It was a standard case of saving each other from their big mean spouses. My WH was looking for someone to make him feel special and loved (even though he already had that) and she wanted someone to save her from her abusive H. My WH was her knight in shining armor.

 

Very, very true.

 

In MC,after all the pussy-footing,egg shell walking around My H by the therapist to gain the trust of my H, a very angry, depressed, and defensive man at that time, I had to endure a litany of petty complaints.

 

And when it ended, the MC quietly asked: But WHAT were YOU GIVING TO THE MARRIAGE? WHAT were you giving to Spark? How much time did you devote to HER? To the relationship? Why did you expect all this validation and attention FROM her when YOU hadn't given her any in years?

 

Thunderstruck to silence he was.

[2sure]

I didn't see a lawyer the first DDay, we went to MC, etc. the 2nd one I did but I didn't file at that time for reasons of my own, but I did the 3rd time. I left him.

 

I would think a spouse filing for divorce and not even actually carrying it out would be enough of a jolt for even a serial cheater that wanted to stay married.

 

But for mine, it wasn't. But I often think that the actual divorce might have fixed him. I wonder, how could it not?

[ComingInHot]

The A was over when I found out. It's a tired story to tell. Again...

H had Major issues w/Delusions of granduer, entitlement, anger, jealousy.

The MC (like Sparks) worked tirelessly to gain his trust, get to Know and really see & diagnose the afor mentioned as serious.

 

One session, she showed H a picture of Jesse James (the idiot who cheated on Sandra Bullock) and asked him what he thought of the guy.

My H proceeded to colorfully dismantle every single thing about the guy.

MC was writing furiosly to keep up w/H's detailed assessment of the guy.

H's list of criticizms:

Nasty (because of the woman he chose to cheat with)

Ugly

Arrogant

Self-entitled

Huge ego

Unintelligent (for scewing around on America's Sweetheart)

Immoral (for cheating on his W)

Dishonest

 

The MC then took out the description that she had created w/him and began to read her list of my H:

Arrogant

Self-entitled,

immoral

Dishonest

Unethical (it was a work thing)

 

My H choked on his own tongue. Didn't talk for two days. Then cried for three days. By the sixth day, H apologized w/more sole than the Pope.

He got it. He finally understood.

Thank God

[White Flower]

IMO, it takes a special kind of asshat to take the affair underground after a d day. I don't understand why an ow goes back for more after she is denied and throw under the bus. If the ow continues the affair by going underground, imo she is enabling the ws to be incredibly cruel to the spouse and also she is letting mm know that he can do anything to her he wants and she will take him back or continue on with it and in the dark is still OK for her. It's disrespectful to oneself among everyone else involved also.

 

Well that sorta depends.

 

Lets first address this issue of the OW "enabling the WS to be incredibly cruel to the spouse". It doesn't appear cruel at all from our side; rather, with all the appeasing and trying to get her in a good place it doesn't feel cruel at all. What felt cruel was disrupting a good thing and not having that appeased. And tbh, I think this isn't a time that is focused on enabling anyone but a time focused on what just happened and where do we go from here. It's a time of reflection and I dumped my guy about a month later because the changes were too much for me. I only let him back in when he made it worth my while.

 

Second, lets look at the OW "disrespecting herself", and "letting him do anything to her". I'm sorry, but I stood for what I wanted and have never let him back in unless it was on my terms. And as for being in the dark that's a matter of definition isn't it. If I like my privacy then a nice quiet R might be more suitable to me.

 

And as for it taking a special kind of asshat taking the A underground after Dday, well most As are already underground to begin with. The only real change on Dday is less contact until things improve. And it almost always improves.

[spice4life]

Those were my feelings as well.

 

I was never a "happy OW."

 

I was happy sometimes, but underlying all of that, I was never comfortable with the affair and I could rationalize it only to an extent, but never got to the point where I embraced it, defended it, or would have been happy to continue endlessly or upon a dday and certainly, if I had to witness him in the action of lying and gaslighting, I don't see how I could feel wonderful to be with him in light of that. It would have been a huge buzz kill for me.

 

This was me as well. Never felt comfortable and then add in that all of the pressure was on me most of the time. I know he didn't see it that way though. I don't think he realized the bending and twisting I had to do just to spend time with him. Or maybe he didn't care enough to worry because if there was a d-day all he had to do was toss me under the bus and grovel, beg and plead to save his marriage right? I don't think half of these MM's even realize how unsettling that thought is to the OW. I mean, I was always worried that I could be tossed aside at any moment without a second thought if there was a d-day. AND then possibly be cast as the as the crazy stalking devil incarnate OW who pursued him...no thank you. Not a scene

I wanted at all.

 

I have no one to blame but myself though. It wasn't his fault I didn't set a boundary and walk away and stay away. That one is 100% on me.

Edited May 15, 2013 by spice4life

[NPP10]

I mean, I was always worried that I could be tossed aside at any moment without a second thought if there was a d-day. AND then possibly be cast as the as the crazy stalking devil incarnate OW who pursued him...no thank you. Not a scene

I wanted at all.

 

That is exactly how I felt at times. If we were out with his friends, I often wonder if he said I pursued him? He was manipulative enough to have that charming choir boy persona that he wouldn't be the type to make the first move.

 

After s*** hit the fan, I stayed away to hopefully prove a point- I'm not begging for his return to me and I'm fine on my own.