When the BS found out....

[2sure]

My X , who was a public figure and I'm not kidding:

 

Went so undercover he developed a persona as an IT guy named Bob.

I called him Bob during our entire divorce.

[BrokenPrincess]

I don't think my mind would have been able to reconcile it at all. That's just me, clearly others differ, but I was curious about how seeing your MM do that affects your view of them as well as if it makes you feel more minimized and like a "dirty secret" or do you simply see it as him risking because you are special or just a matter of course and all is acceptable as long as you "have him" in some fashion? I didn't ever have to witness his lies/omissions or have to lie for him so that helped me to tolerate it as well. If I had to observe it, I don't think I could do it.

 

This is exactly what I just went through. After DDay, it was over, no question, strict NC. Then we restarted underground, my mentality at first was some of him was better than none, but honestly, our relationship was a ghost of what it could be. We had a shared email we'd use to write to one another (then dont forget to log out & clear all the history!) and he got a burner phone, which he then had to keep charged, hidden, stealthily packed on all his work trips, and minutes loaded on it. Plus the stress on if he got caught a second time...it's just too much, especially for a LDR where we can't see each other in person on a regular basis.

[White Flower]

I didn't have a dday.

 

I do wonder though how can a secret affair get anymore "underground" or "down low"? For anyone who has had to go underground, what changes were made that were different than before?

Well since all people are different all reactions are also different. I think first and foremost the "going underground" includes the MM doing a better job of acting remorseful. The more remorseful he seems to be at home, the less underground he has to put his AP. Allowing the BW to have (or thinks she has) a sense of control, i.e., "honey you can go on that guys trip if you really want to", she then gives him a reason to stay with her, and a reason to go see his AP at the same time. And the more ignorant the BW the sooner the A is back on. It's as if she is turning the other cheek in order to keep the status quo. This is very sad to me, but it's true. I've seen it happen 19 times.

 

The BW in my case has been spending a lot of time in church and at Bible study, and I believe she is trying to have the suffering of Job and trying to be the dutiful wife even if she doesn't feel like it. I suppose it is her way of saying she did everything she could to save a marriage, as if the marriage is a third entity.

What did you do?

 

Did you go into automatic NC? Did the r/s just go on the down low? Just curious as to what happened after DDay.

We've had so many Ddays and each of them were different, sometimes he contacted me in front of her and let me know it was over, other times he called me immediately and told me things are going to have to cool off for a little while, other times he went to the computer and sent me an instant message and said everything is going to be fine, just let her calm down in a few days, and we have gone no contact at other Ddays.

 

He has called me three times in front of her and all three times I knew it was a forced call. The third time I laughed my ass off and told him to tell her hello and I hope you're enjoying the show, despite his attempt at saying she was not sitting right there (he later admitted to it). Even his IC thought it was ridiculous for him to cave-in to her forcing him to call me, especially given he was coached into what to say and not speaking from his heart. I heard there was a Dday on Thanksgiving though he only told me a couple of months ago. She tried to force him to call me in front of her to say that it was over but he refused to cave into that this time. Funny, the A wasn't even back on but I guess he couldn't convince her of that since he had gotten a new phone. She said are you going to throw that away or am I? And he said no, I will. But he hid it instead. This denotes a level of acceptance on her part. You don't just walk away from discovery unless you accept it to continue.

 

This was the longest period (Dec-April) of no contact that we had and in fact I wish I had let this no contact happen sooner because he found out just how empty his life was without me in it. He says that he is numb whereas when he's with me he truly feels joy and happiness. Something to consider for any of you who might experience no contact after a Dday anytime soon. Enjoy that time, hope that he is sadder than sad, and when you reconnect find out how his life was without you in it. But if you stay in constant contact, he may never figure out how much he really needs you.

 

May I just remind people that this is the OW/OM board and I am speaking to OW/OM? Thank you.

Edited May 13, 2013 by White Flower
Typo

[SweetiePie12]

If his SO had contacted me, I don't think I could have comfortably continued the A

 

In a situation like this, it says that the cheater is in deep, maybe evem in love with his AP -- otherwise, the one being cheated on wouldn't likely go to such an extreme.

[NPP10]

Quite the various responses. Thank you for sharing your stories

 

White Flower posted this yesterday; and this hit very close to home.

 

"Well since all people are different all reactions are also different. I think first and foremost the "going underground" includes the MM doing a better job of acting remorseful. The more remorseful he seems to be at home, the less underground he has to put his AP. Allowing the BW to have (or thinks she has) a sense of control, i.e., "honey you can go on that guys trip if you really want to", she then gives him a reason to stay with her, and a reason to go see his AP at the same time. And the more ignorant the BW the sooner the A is back on. It's as if she is turning the other cheek in order to keep the status quo. This is very sad to me, but it's true. I've seen it happen 19 times."

 

When I went full N/C-- this is what happened (more details below). He played the "remorseful husband" routine. Obviously, it didn't last long. The BS was, and still is in denial. She posts things on facebook such as "we have the best marriage ever". I found out after D-Day from my own father that the WS is a serial cheater, and the BS is well aware of it.

 

 

NPP, What do you think/know you should do?

When was D-Day?

What has WS done since D-Day?

And are You alright?

*

 

Yes, I am alright, thank you for your concern. DDay was a few months back, but the XMM has been getting a hold of me. I do not want to fall again to him. He said he just wants to be friends, and I said that is fine, and friends don't have sex. We've met up for coffee with another friend a few times. I just miss him as a friend.

 

As soon as I found out BS knew, I went full NC on him. I blocked his numbers, deleted them from FB, canceled my email account I used to get a hold of him, etc. It took him about 6-7 months to get in touch with me through a mutual friend. Even then, I was very reluctant to speak with him.

 

With regards to what to do/think you should do, I think it varies in each situation. However, after reading all the situations of going underground, I don't know if I would want to take it to that level. Although being an OW isn't an ideal situation, but it just seems like underground causes more headaches than not. I think that would just entail too much work, and at the end not be worth it.

[Got it]

What did you do?

 

Did you go into automatic NC? Did the r/s just go on the down low? Just curious as to what happened after DDay.

 

It was an ongoing multiple day thing. He was at my house spending the night when it first started, when she called him to confirm her suspicions. He stayed with me and went to work the next day. We did dinner together that evening before he went home to answer her questions and confess. We discussed what might happen, etc. Things blew up at home and when he didn't make an immediate move to leave I ended things. He needed to focus on what he wanted, needed to focus on things at home, and I wasn't interested in waiting around to see how things played out. I walked and while extremely difficult I worked on moving on. We had limited communication during this period of time but never complete N/C.

 

He separated a few months later and divorced.

[NPP10]

 

He separated a few months later and divorced.

 

What happened after the divorce?

[cocorico]

The BS was, and still is in denial. She posts things on facebook such as "we have the best marriage ever". I found out after D-Day from my own father that the WS is a serial cheater, and the BS is well aware of it.

 

Having dealt with the persistently ironclad denial of a BW, I really struggle with this. How can someone be so invested in being seen to be "right" that they blind themselves to all evidence, and choose to believe what they believe? I'm much more of an evidence-based person, I can't blindly believe when evidence says I should question. If my H had "cheated" on me and deceived me like that, I would be a little more humble than that, surely.

 

But maybe her "best marriage ever" is simply an acknowledgement that what went before was even worse?

[NPP10]

Having dealt with the persistently ironclad denial of a BW, I really struggle with this. How can someone be so invested in being seen to be "right" that they blind themselves to all evidence, and choose to believe what they believe? I'm much more of an evidence-based person, I can't blindly believe when evidence says I should question. If my H had "cheated" on me and deceived me like that, I would be a little more humble than that, surely.

 

But maybe her "best marriage ever" is simply an acknowledgement that what went before was even worse?

 

Good questions. I simply do not know. I'm only assuming she simply does not want to believe it-- how her world will be turned upside down, etc. Possibly find ways around him not being in contact? He had an affair with a neighbor, so they moved (this is what my father told me), he had contact with me, so she made him get a new cell phone and number. Perhaps this is her, or their, way of overcoming his straying?

[Got it]

What happened after the divorce?

 

What do you mean what happened after the divorce? With us? Once he separated we started dating, he moved for work so we dated LD, he moved back here, we got engaged and just got married.

[NPP10]

What do you mean what happened after the divorce? With us? Once he separated we started dating, he moved for work so we dated LD, he moved back here, we got engaged and just got married.

 

Congratulations. I wish the two of you the very best.

[MissBee]

In a situation like this, it says that the cheater is in deep, maybe evem in love with his AP -- otherwise, the one being cheated on wouldn't likely go to such an extreme.

 

Or they have issues....

 

But my question wasn't about the cheater anyway, but about how the AP feels. I guess you've answered how you would feel though.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have stated this before. First D-day was his BS discovering an old email (she had been reading them for 1 1/2 years) where he told me he had fallen in love with me. She confronted him and then the three of us met. She didn't want anyone to know - not even my husband. So, we continued to lead worship together, go to dinner (the four of us and other couples, etc.). We tried to keep it platonic, but I was having a really hard time. I was sick with worry that my husband would eventually find out and being that close to xOM was so hard. I wanted to tell my husband, but both of them would convince me not to. I was a mess. Eventually (actually just a few weeks later), it became physical again. Then four months after the first D-day my husband found out via my computer. This time EVERYONE got involved - pastors, family, etc. and they demanded no contact. He and I knew what would need to happen.

 

We met one last time to sort of end it, but set up secret email account and kept in contact that way - sporatically - called off and on for the next two months - only met one time during that time but nothing physical. Trying to do the right thing. Somehow he was able to (and so was I) justify that we were just trying to make sure the other one was okay.

 

Eventually he decided to cut it off and confessed about the secret email account and sent me a "no contact" email (with her standing over top of him - at least that's what he said) and deleted the account. It wasn't a true no contact - it never said "don't ever contact me again, it's over, etc." it was well worded so that it was open-ended. In fact, he could never tell me it was over even when I asked him.

 

We didn't have contact for two more months when there was a huge blow up and he called me (after he met with my daughter). Then we talked for a few more weeks, ended up meeting to bury a box for they baby I lost and then talked one more time and that was it. Silence with the exception of a few small things. He couldn't even tell me then it was over.

 

But now it's been over 3 years - I would say his silence pretty much says it all "f-u".

[Got it]

Do you 1005 trust him? I'm not asking this meanly. I'm genuinely cuious if you really trust him after you know how deceptive he can be.

 

Short answer - Yes or I wouldn't have married him. Long answer is much more involved but comes down to yes. I have seen enough actions, research, therapy and transparency to have a very quiet gut. And he is no better or worse than me and have put the same focus and requirements on myself. I don't trust 100% that anyone won't cheat, there are no guarantees in life, but I believe that yes the risk analysis is good.

 

There were a plethora of lessons learned.

[Summer Breeze]

Short answer - Yes or I wouldn't have married him. Long answer is much more involved but comes down to yes. I have seen enough actions, research, therapy and transparency to have a very quiet gut. And he is no better or worse than me and have put the same focus and requirements on myself. I don't trust 100% that anyone won't cheat, there are no guarantees in life, but I believe that yes the risk analysis is good.

 

There were a plethora of lessons learned.

 

I have to say my situation is a lot like this as far as trust. Of the things I worry won't work out for us trust isn't even on the list. He's worked really hard and did before I even knew he was getting D. He was finally doing the right things before I was back in his life and he's continued since I have been.

[MissBee]

OW-Lite , that's Perfect!!

 

I know, it's one thing to know a man is hiding and lying...Its not attractive but you put it aside. But then..to see him really going deep under cover, whether it's your husband or MM...it's emasculating to me . To ask me, as OW, to participate in that would have been ...more than my sense of ...humor..could handle.

 

Indeed.

 

He never asked me to lie for him and I never had to witness it. So I was shielded from the intricacies of how he managed to do it. I knew he had to do it to an extent but he kept that behind the scenes and out of my sight. Had it been in my sight...well....the entire fantasy would have crumbled sooner.

 

It's like going to Disney World as a kid, you rightly understand some of it is make believe and a show, but the whole point is to not see the inner workings or see Cinderella when she's out of character on her cigarette break, as, if and when you do see that, the whole experience isn't as exciting .

[canuckprincess]

It varies depending on the situation but WAY more just go underground than most people want to think.

 

Please forgive me for piggy backing on your post but I'm dying to find out what happens to the underground affairs when the bs finally catches on? Do they then believe their spouse will go nc or just further underground. Does anyone have experience with this scenario?

[Owl]

It all varies.

 

For some BS's, it's the "last straw" and it eventually leads to divorce.

 

For some, it's the last straw, and when they begin to withdraw from the WS, the WS has a change of heart, ends the affair, and attempts to reconcile with the BS.

 

And some subset seem to go into this continual cycle of d-days, where it gets repeatedly brought up but never dealt with.

 

Anything is possible.

[threelaurels]

We went deeper underground. It became harder for him to get away and contact me but he still managed. She continues to monitor his activities but he is still able to see me. I'm sorry. I don't mean this to hurt any BS but I have seen people question about going underground.. Yes it happens. Unless your spouse wants it to end it won't despite what you may do.

 

I can only see why the OW who doesn't wish to be in an exclusive relationship with MM would tolerate this. A D-Day that forces the affair underground is only confirmation that the MM doesn't want you enough to leave his marriage for you, even when it is the most opportune time to leave.

 

For some, it's the last straw, and when they begin to withdraw from the WS, the WS has a change of heart, ends the affair, and attempts to reconcile with the BS.

 

Never underestimate the power of a 180. It is one of the most powerful motivators in human behavior out there.

[Decorative]

Please forgive me for piggy backing on your post but I'm dying to find out what happens to the underground affairs when the bs finally catches on? Do they then believe their spouse will go nc or just further underground. Does anyone have experience with this scenario?

 

As a BS?

 

When I found out about the underground? The false recovery?

 

I packed his stuff and told him to go be with her.

 

He didn't want that. He fought tooth and nail to stay with me. Six months later, I let him come home. He worked like crazy to win me back. She was out of his life, by his choice, immediately.

 

My situation is not uncommon. There are other betrayeds on LS ( and Other sites) with the same experience.

[Decorative]

You sure about that???

 

Am I sure about what?

 

That they are over and she lives far away now?

 

Yes. Very sure.

 

I don't hold him here to me. I took myself out of the triangle.

[krazikat]

As a BS?

 

When I found out about the underground? The false recovery?

 

I packed his stuff and told him to go be with her.

 

He didn't want that. He fought tooth and nail to stay with me. Six months later, I let him come home. He worked like crazy to win me back. She was out of his life, by his choice, immediately.

 

My situation is not uncommon. There are other betrayeds on LS ( and Other sites) with the same experience.

 

Another BS here...no begging or pleading from me for my h to stay. I also told him to go be with his ow. I was furious. Kids would be fine, no financial reasons to stay together. Even if there were, I would not stay married for sake of kids or money. Dday was his opportunity to go, and I called an attorney, started moving in the direction of divorce. He did not want to lose me, said he couldnt imagine life without me, told me how much he loved me and how I didnt deserve any of what he did. He changed his phone number without any prompting from me. She is out of his life by his choice. When faced with choosing me or her, there was no choice. Even before he knew if I was willing to stay with him.

[2sure]

It seems like no matter how many Ddays there may be, that unless BS throws them out or files for divorce ...there will be another one.

[SidLyon]

It seems like no matter how many Ddays there may be, that unless BS throws them out or files for divorce ...there will be another one.

 

I am hoping this isn't true, because I did neither on discovery of my H's infidelity.

 

If there is a next time, he will be leaving.

 

PS Where I live, it isn't possible to just file for divorce without being apart for a year.

[Ladydrib]

Love this! For some reason I find this post so empowering.

 

Well since all people are different all reactions are also different. I think first and foremost the "going underground" includes the MM doing a better job of acting remorseful. The more remorseful he seems to be at home, the less underground he has to put his AP. Allowing the BW to have (or thinks she has) a sense of control, i.e., "honey you can go on that guys trip if you really want to", she then gives him a reason to stay with her, and a reason to go see his AP at the same time. And the more ignorant the BW the sooner the A is back on. It's as if she is turning the other cheek in order to keep the status quo. This is very sad to me, but it's true. I've seen it happen 19 times.

 

The BW in my case has been spending a lot of time in church and at Bible study, and I believe she is trying to have the suffering of Job and trying to be the dutiful wife even if she doesn't feel like it. I suppose it is her way of saying she did everything she could to save a marriage, as if the marriage is a third entity.

 

We've had so many Ddays and each of them were different, sometimes he contacted me in front of her and let me know it was over, other times he called me immediately and told me things are going to have to cool off for a little while, other times he went to the computer and sent me an instant message and said everything is going to be fine, just let her calm down in a few days, and we have gone no contact at other Ddays.

 

He has called me three times in front of her and all three times I knew it was a forced call. The third time I laughed my ass off and told him to tell her hello and I hope you're enjoying the show, despite his attempt at saying she was not sitting right there (he later admitted to it). Even his IC thought it was ridiculous for him to cave-in to her forcing him to call me, especially given he was coached into what to say and not speaking from his heart. I heard there was a Dday on Thanksgiving though he only told me a couple of months ago. She tried to force him to call me in front of her to say that it was over but he refused to cave into that this time. Funny, the A wasn't even back on but I guess he couldn't convince her of that since he had gotten a new phone. She said are you going to throw that away or am I? And he said no, I will. But he hid it instead. This denotes a level of acceptance on her part. You don't just walk away from discovery unless you accept it to continue.

 

This was the longest period (Dec-April) of no contact that we had and in fact I wish I had let this no contact happen sooner because he found out just how empty his life was without me in it. He says that he is numb whereas when he's with me he truly feels joy and happiness. Something to consider for any of you who might experience no contact after a Dday anytime soon. Enjoy that time, hope that he is sadder than sad, and when you reconnect find out how his life was without you in it. But if you stay in constant contact, he may never figure out how much he really needs you.

 

May I just remind people that this is the OW/OM board and I am speaking to OW/OM? Thank you.