How did this happen?

[sybo24]

Does anyone else ask themselves how the hell did they end up in an affair with a married man?

 

I am a divorced woman, who when married was never unfathifull, never had a kiss outside of marriage and would never had contenplated doing anything with anyone except my husband.

 

I am a confident, friendly, happy, sensible, lawabiding, understanding, fairly successful woman, good mother, helpfull daughter, kind sister, good friend, my ex husband still considers my one of his best friends, and perfect host when I have parties.

 

So how did I end up having a three years affair with a married man?

 

People who havent been in an affair or know someone who has been, can be hurtfull and unkind to us. I dont blame them as I was one of them and looking from the outside in can still see how hurtfull we are being.

 

I just canbe believe I have became one of them.

 

All I can offer up is that sometimes you cant help falling in love with the wrong person, no matter how hard you try.

[Praying4Peace]

Does anyone else ask themselves how the hell did they end up in an affair with a married man?

 

I am a divorced woman, who when married was never unfathifull, never had a kiss outside of marriage and would never had contenplated doing anything with anyone except my husband.

 

I am a confident, friendly, happy, sensible, lawabiding, understanding, fairly successful woman, good mother, helpfull daughter, kind sister, good friend, my ex husband still considers my one of his best friends, and perfect host when I have parties.

 

So how did I end up having a three years affair with a married man?

 

People who havent been in an affair or know someone who has been, can be hurtfull and unkind to us. I dont blame them as I was one of them and looking from the outside in can still see how hurtfull we are being.

 

I just canbe believe I have became one of them.

 

All I can offer up is that sometimes you cant help falling in love with the wrong person, no matter how hard you try.

I hear ya. I don't know either.

I think you have to experience it to understand it (and I don't recommend it to anyone!). That's why you hear of BS's turning into OW's and even they are blindsided.

 

I hope you are doing okay today. Are you still in the relationship?

[Goodbye]

Does anyone else ask themselves how the hell did they end up in an affair with a married man?

 

I am a divorced woman, who when married was never unfathifull, never had a kiss outside of marriage and would never had contenplated doing anything with anyone except my husband.

 

I am a confident, friendly, happy, sensible, lawabiding, understanding, fairly successful woman, good mother, helpfull daughter, kind sister, good friend, my ex husband still considers my one of his best friends, and perfect host when I have parties.

 

So how did I end up having a three years affair with a married man?

 

People who havent been in an affair or know someone who has been, can be hurtfull and unkind to us. I dont blame them as I was one of them and looking from the outside in can still see how hurtfull we are being.

 

I just canbe believe I have became one of them.

 

All I can offer up is that sometimes you cant help falling in love with the wrong person, no matter how hard you try.

 

 

I am asking myself the same thing. I feel like I was hit by a truck. This past year is a crazy, emotional blur.

 

Like you, I was divorced before the affair started. Never cheating on the exH. My MM was a former long time love. I think I'd been with so few men in my lifetime, after a long marriage (17 years), it felt like going "home" to be with the exMM. I was blinded. I must have been in some altered mindset. I can't rationalize it now. The love he showered me with felt so GOOD and so RIGHT and now all that is left is pain and anger.

 

I NEVER thought I'd be like this. A divorced woman in her 40's recovering from an affair that ripped my heart out. Talk about a LOSER. That is how I feel. Lost.

 

I'm having such a rough time with this. I'm in counseling. Its been since March since I've seen the exMM, and about a month since he asked "for space" and we went NC. Of course that NC has been broken.

 

I don't like who I am right now.

[Praying4Peace]

I am asking myself the same thing. I feel like I was hit by a truck. This past year is a crazy, emotional blur.

 

Like you, I was divorced before the affair started. Never cheating on the exH. My MM was a former long time love. I think I'd been with so few men in my lifetime, after a long marriage (17 years), it felt like going "home" to be with the exMM. I was blinded. I must have been in some altered mindset. I can't rationalize it now. The love he showered me with felt so GOOD and so RIGHT and now all that is left is pain and anger.

 

I NEVER thought I'd be like this. A divorced woman in her 40's recovering from an affair that ripped my heart out. Talk about a LOSER. That is how I feel. Lost.

 

I'm having such a rough time with this. I'm in counseling. Its been since March since I've seen the exMM, and about a month since he asked "for space" and we went NC. Of course that NC has been broken.

 

I don't like who I am right now.

 

You aren't a loser. You are just in a bad situation. If people on these boards are here to show us that in time the pain goes away I guess its better to be optimistic. I feel more damaged than a loser.

 

One month is nothing. You are barely NC. Its like a freshy oozing wound for you. I think how you are feeling is normal.

[sybo24]

I hear ya. I don't know either.

I think you have to experience it to understand it (and I don't recommend it to anyone!). That's why you hear of BS's turning into OW's and even they are blindsided.

 

I hope you are doing okay today. Are you still in the relationship?

 

 

No I am not, previous post chart the end of my affair this week.

 

4th time back to his wife. There will be no 5th time!

xx

[Nattie]

I think coming here and reading these forums/telling my story has just made me realize the severity of my situation. In the blink of an eye harmless flirting turned into a full blown affair. I want to say that I will learn from others experiences and get out before crap really hits the fan, but as I'm seeing, it's never that easy. My thoughts are with all of you!!

 

For many many years I looked at others doing this and judged, thinking how hard is it to have a little self control. Harder than I thought...

[So happy together]

I am confused....are you saying people should understand that being an OW is just something that couldn't be helped?

 

Yes, you CAN help who you fall in love with...you made a conscious choice to begin an affair with a married person. To excuse it with "you can't help who you fall in love with" is trying to minimize the damage and destruction an affair causes to a betrayed spouse and the family. Own your choices and decisions. Don't try to make it something other than what it was - a betrayal of another person and an intentional act of selfishness.

 

Doesn't mean you can't open your eyes and see what you have done and decide to make amends.

 

I agree, you cannot help who you fall in love with, but you CAN help whether you act on it or not. I absolutely made the choice to embark on an affair with a MM. I take responsibility for that. It is a really hard road, and I would not recommend it to anyone either. But when someone is already in the relationship, I believe the best thing is to be supportive in that person's decisions and try and be helpful to them.

 

My BF left the marriage. He is better off now and eventually she will realize that she is better off too.

 

I could have written the post from OP. I am the same.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

i ask myself that all the time. I'll literally say out loud "what the hell are you doing?" .... and then fall right back in his arms.

 

my one guy friend i talk to about this will randomly just be like 'this just isn't you. it's not your character.' and it isn't. well, wasn't. after a year and half you start to question everything. but, i'm still that same good person who makes the right decisions and treats people right outside of the affair. it's like a 2nd world when it comes to me and him. when i'm not with him or talking to him-- it doesn't exist. otherwise, what a terrible person I have become...

[CanHopeSurvive]

As a fow, it's critical to figure out how you let it happen, how you let yourself go there. If you don't figure out what is at the root of it, you will likely do a repeat or else find yourself in other relationships that aren't healthy and are dysfunctional. Some ow don't want to acknowledge or speak of it, but it takes a brokenness inside to engage in something that you know will hurt people and then there are other ow who don't have a problem with hurting people as long as it's not them who are hurt.

For myself, I was broken inside, dysfunctional because of my family history. Not an excuse, because I am an adult, but in order to move past it, I feel it's necessary to own it, all of it.

 

I think this is important to focus on. For me, it also felt inevitable...like it couldn't be controlled. Fate, destiny, soulmates...ever word that we often hear used to describe an affair. But there must be more to it. There must be something in my own pain and brokenness that allowed me to make the choice to get into a situation that was so likely to lead to heartbreak. Getting to the crux of that inner motivation isn't easy. I hope I can at some point.

[Sarabi]

Does anyone else ask themselves how the hell did they end up in an affair with a married man?

Yes. I always thought "I will never do that and I will never allow it to happen to me" lol...how wrong was I ? Even at the beginning I said I am not interested in hurting his family...and I did it anyway.

Don't judge until it happens. I believe it can happen to anyone and no one should be pontificating from their perches on high...

 

People who havent been in an affair or know someone who has been, can be hurtfull and unkind to us. I dont blame them as I was one of them and looking from the outside in can still see how hurtfull we are being.

 

I just canbe believe I have became one of them.

True but on the other hand...you come on here as an OW baring your soul and seeking advice, help and solutions for moving on or coping with the situation.

We don't really know these other people and what they are going through. They may be judging us...but how do we know what they do in their day to day lives? I personally have been quite honest in what I have said here but I don't truly know everyone else. People are revealing little bits of themselves that they want you to see and perhaps, if we knew them personally...we might be surprised.

 

All I can offer up is that sometimes you cant help falling in love with the wrong person, no matter how hard you try.

I would rather say the timing is wrong rather than it being the wrong person...but if you want to think of it that it is the wrong person, there are plenty of people in marriages and long term relationships who are not right for each other either and shouldn't be together, even though they are together(no, this has nothing to do with affairs, I just mean in general)

[kamani]

Many faithful and honest people end up in affairs.

 

It's easy to prevent an affair from happening as long as both you and the MM are determined to enforce firm boundaries and remain faithful.

 

If one of you give up and make the first move, the other would find it hard to resist.

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

It's funny your subject title is named, "How did this happen?" This very phrase, this very question became me & my ex-mm's motto, our slogan if you will. We said these very words I can't tell you how many times. The only thing I can come up with is, Cupid struck us in the ass & he was dead wrong. Would love to get ahold of that little f*cker.

[sybo24]

I am confused....are you saying people should understand that being an OW is just something that couldn't be helped?

 

Yes, you CAN help who you fall in love with...you made a conscious choice to begin an affair with a married person. To excuse it with "you can't help who you fall in love with" is trying to minimize the damage and destruction an affair causes to a betrayed spouse and the family. Own your choices and decisions. Don't try to make it something other than what it was - a betrayal of another person and an intentional act of selfishness.

 

Doesn't mean you can't open your eyes and see what you have done and decide to make amends.

 

I did make a conscious choice to have an affair after I fell in love with someone I completely trusted. I know it sounds stupid to trust someone who is having an affair but I still to this day believe he didnt lie to me.

 

I used to see him every Mon, Wed, and Friday from 5.0pm to late into the night. Did his wife serious think he was working at this time. No. I have found out from her that for a long time their marriage was not good. They had separate rooms when we met. I did the wrong thing and am sorry for that. I should have stayed away and waited for him to leave or moved on but life isnt always that easy.

 

I wont make this mistake again.

[sybo24]

I would rather say the timing is wrong rather than it being the wrong person...but if you want to think of it that it is the wrong person, there are plenty of people in marriages and long term relationships who are not right for each other either and shouldn't be together, even though they are together(no, this has nothing to do with affairs, I just mean in general)

 

Yes another time, another place and everything could be so very different x

[truthbetold]

Does anyone else ask themselves how the hell did they end up in an affair with a married man?

 

I am a divorced woman, who when married was never unfathifull, never had a kiss outside of marriage and would never had contenplated doing anything with anyone except my husband.

 

I am a confident, friendly, happy, sensible, lawabiding, understanding, fairly successful woman, good mother, helpfull daughter, kind sister, good friend, my ex husband still considers my one of his best friends, and perfect host when I have parties.

 

So how did I end up having a three years affair with a married man?

 

People who havent been in an affair or know someone who has been, can be hurtfull and unkind to us. I dont blame them as I was one of them and looking from the outside in can still see how hurtfull we are being.

 

I just canbe believe I have became one of them.

 

All I can offer up is that sometimes you cant help falling in love with the wrong person, no matter how hard you try.

 

If you really believe this, it will doom you in the future. You know you're not a leaf blowing in the wind. You make choices every day. From controlling the impulse to not flip out when you could etc. Not feeding an attraction is the same conscious thought process.

 

It's funny because it seems that it's an assumption here that those of us who don't support affairs must be unattractive and never get hit on and or wrap ourselves from head to toe in puritanical fashion! Btw just because I don't support affairs does not mean I don't "support people" I'm very much so in the belief that your past does not have to define your future.

 

It's also naive to not realize affairs are out there. But that doesn't mean you or your spouse needs to succumb to them. And sorry but no, not everyone cheats and not even in the "right" circumstance will some people cheat. That's something that gets bandied about to make some feel better about THEIR choices.

 

It comes down to boundaries. Yes there are going to be people that are attractive and they in turn appreciate your attractiveness with a look or a smile. You can smile back, but to feed it any further or give it head space is where it goes all wrong. It's why these guys claim their marriages are awful (some may be but cheating is never the answer) because they're not feeding the homefires they're taking it elsewhere. They talk about inappropriate private things crossing boundaries. Yes, it's a responsibility for the other person to shut it down! I cringe when I hear women say he heavily pursued them and they couldn't resist. Really? There's always, always a starting point. And it's because people crossed boundaries and fed that relationship. For women to say they couldn't resist takes away their power and makes them sound so weak. You ladies are NOT weak. Take back your power and THINK!

 

So yes, you can acknowledge there are going to be other attractive people that you may encounter but that's it. Appreciate it for what it is and turn the thoughts elsewhere. If you don't feed it, it will starve and die. If you keep entertaining the tempting thoughts, then of course it's going to ignite and that's when people claim they didn't mean for it to happen it just did and they couldn't control it. But you most certainly do control your thoughts.