Jealous girlfriend accusing me unfairly...what should I do?

[LostCause]

I'm new to these forums and would really like input. First, some background: I'm kinda with this really incredible girl. I say kinda because we were technically together for nearly 6 months. She broke it off because she wasn't feeling secure enough with herself to be in a relationship. Our feelings remained, however. I can honestly say I believe her completely when she says she's not ready for a serious relationship. However, we couldn't just stay as friends, and before you know it, one thing lead to another and we are pretty much back together. This has happened for the past month. I'm the happiest guy in the world when I'm with her, and I appreciate everything about her. I've never felt so satisfied and fulfilled with any girl ever, until her. Now the problem:

 

One day while out to lunch she runs into a female acquaintance of hers. After their short conversation, my girl asks me if I thought she was pretty (and she is attractive looking), and I stupidly said yes I thought she was pretty. Classic mistake. While eating, she had a forlorn look on her face and didn't say anything. When I asked her what was bothering her, she wouldn't answer me. Many hours later she sent me an IM saying how bothered and hurt she was by my comment. She said that she thought I was that special someone, but that she was wrong, men are all the same, etc. It's worth mentioning that she has been hurt/cheated on in previous relationships. This "pretty girl" means all of what I described her as; a pretty girl. She means nothing to me, and I am certainly not hunting for other potential "prey" while I'm blissfully happy with my girl now. But when I try to explain this to her, she refuses to listen, and doesn't believe me. Only I know my real intent, and I certainly don't mean to hurt her. "Pretty girl" has nothing on my girl, and I can't stand that she would even think that I might run off with someone else. I guess I may have been too trusting or assuming when I said that this girl was pretty. I assumed that she knew that that's all she is to me, and that it means nothing.

 

There are plenty of attractive women out there, and I would rather be honest with her and tell her the truth; how can we trust each other if I lie and present it as the truth? Ironically, she always tells me when she sees an attractive guy. It bothers me a little, but I have faith enough in her to know that she wouldn't leave me for someone else. I have admitted my mistake to her. She means a lot to me, she's very close to my heart, and I know that I love her, but sometimes, I think she's a little crazy. She's extremely insecure, jealous, and selfish, and I love her in spite of it all. I also have to admit that a similar situation came up several months ago, although the first time was worse since I was partly under the influence of alcohol and said some stupid things I definitely regret. I should have learned my lesson the first time, but I had more confidence in her since we seemed happier. Big mistake. I know I'll never do it again, and now, I'm afraid I might lose her since she no longer trusts me. My intent is good, I don't want to be with anyone but her, and I would never EVER cheat on her.

 

She keeps telling me to find another girl that won't give me such a hard time, she doesn't believe I love her, and that I broke her heart. It hurts me almost as much to know that she really thinks this of me when I know that she's the only girl I want. Believe me, hurting her is the last thing I wanted to do to her...she's afraid to give me another chance and she's afraid I'll just do it again. Is there any way I can restore her trust and faith in me? Is there any hope? I love this girl so much and will do just about anything to keep her. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Merin]

Okay, well that is just stupid.

 

She ASKS you if you think this girl is pretty, you say yes and now you're untrustworthy?

 

You know unless you were gushing over this other girl when she asked your opinion and wouldn't stop, (which doesn't sound like was the case) then the bottomline is either your girlfriend is so incredibly insecure that if you even glance at another female it must mean something OR she was looking for a reason to be pissed off.

 

Personally, I think people like this are way to high maintence emotionally.... however because it is your desire to remain with her I would advice you to tell her this >When You asked if your friend was attractive, I said yes because she is YOUR friend, and I didn't know how you would feel if I said differently.< I would go on to tell her that when she points out other males that are attractive, that you understand she may have attraction for other people, but would hope she would never act upon it as you wouldn't if the situation was reversed.

 

Just know, that this girl probably isn't going to change, and you're going to find yourself walking on eggshells frequently trying not to upset her.

 

Good Luck

[SoleMate]

Is there any way I can restore her trust and faith in me?

Quit answering her questions honestly. Wear dark sunglasses when around other women and act like you don't even know they exist. When she is hurt by your participation in society and normal social life, beg for forgiveness and restrict your behavior even more.

 

She's YOUNG...this is classic, young person, insecure behavior. I wouldn't put up with it myself.

[Smucks212]

I just wanted to reply to this situation because, unfortunately I can relate somewhat to how your girlfriend feels and acts, I've already posted a bit about it, but I'll just quickly explain how. I am in a similar "emotional" or whatever situation you want to call it and we have been together almost four years and both 22 in the same college, live together now and all that stuff. Anyways, the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship were not very healthy, a lot of it was becasue of other reasons but one of them that never went away (and is still present but not as much) is the jealousy/insecurity/lack of trust issue on my part.

 

My guy has never done anything major that would make me distrust him, yet it's the hardest thing in the world to find in my heart enough strength for myself and our relationship to let myself trust him. Because of the way I grew up, it's hard for me to trust anyone in general so the slightest thing (which may not be a big deal to a majority of people) that has anythign to do with trust pushes me away from the relationship and the trust. Anyways I've been going to some counseling for other issues, but this is one that comes up all the tiem for me and a lot of it has to do with insecurity. I used to be extremely jealous, mostly of people I didn't know personally that my boyfriend would interact with, I'm not proud of it, I wish I could've not been like that, but the fact is I was and still am, but not nearly as much as I used to be.

 

From my perspective, I felt it was important to talk to my boyfriend about the fact that I don't trust him so that he did acknowledge it and so that he could choose whether he wanted to see if we can work though building it up with each other. He was not happy at all that I told him flat out I did not trust him, however he was more than willing to listen to the reasons why and realize it wasn't because of him, but me, which is probalby the situation with your girlfriend. What helps me to trust him is to get reassurance from him especially when I need it the most. To know that he's willing to be as open and honest as he can be with me so that there is no reason to mistrust him. To hear from him randomly to let me know he's thinking about me whether I"m happy or sad, to hear him take 5 min when he's out with the guys to give me a call to see how I'm doing, to include me into the life he had before me such as old friends from home or family and to know that if he needs time alone or away it has nothing to do with me. He also tells me the reasons he would never cheat on me and we discuss what the consequences would be if anything did happen like that. Honestly it takes a huge drain on the relationship to work through these issues, and considering it is mostly her problem there's not much you can do except reassure her, and there's only so much of that you can do. I would ask her what makes her not trust you and if she really cares about trusting you because if she doesn't, they're right she won't change especially from being scarred in the past, she has to want to trust you before she can just throw it out there.

[LostCause]

I had another talk with her last night. I keep reassuring her that I had no intention of hurting her, never would I run off with someone else, and I have no desire to "play the field" or "find greener grass" when I'm already so happy with her. She just won't believe me anymore; she's convinced that my reassurances are simply sweet talk, that they have no substance to them, and worst of all, that the only reason I'm still with her is because it gives me security, it satisfies my own ego (which couldn't be farther from the truth), and I have "some girl to f*ck!" And yet, even though she no longer wants a relationship, she still wants sex from me, and okay we have out-of-this-world amazing sex. I'll admit that I love having sex with her, but she doesn't understand that I don't see her purely as a sex object, I respect everything else about her; good and bad. If all I really wanted was sex, why am I even trying to gain back her trust now, since I already have sex? And yet, she thinks the reason I want to keep her has more to do with my ego than whether or not I actually love her. She's the only girl I've ever loved, but I'm starting to get annoyed with her accusations. I realize the root of the problem has more to do with her and less with me, but even so, I did unintentionally hurt her deeply with my comment of "yeah, she's pretty". I know that she's extremely insecure I'll probably leave her alone and give her time to think for a few days, then maybe I'll try again. I know that deep down she wants to trust me, but is so afraid of getting hurt again, and that I may unintentionally do it again that prevents her. She doesn't believe I really care about her because if I did, I would have lied to her and told her that this other girl was not pretty. I'm not so sure about that; sometimes there's more comfort in lies, but a relationship should not be built on lies. Then again, maybe being honest to a fault is not so good either. I'm starting to lose patience with her, I don't deserve this and I shouldn't have to put up with her accusations. As much as it hurts me, maybe the best thing to do is to leave within the week if things don't get better, because I can't deal with this! *sigh

[Merin]

What?! She says that you only want to date her because of your own ego?

 

Well, why is that? All I can say is she must have one helluva big ego if she somehow really beleives that dating HER is good for your ego... for real!

[LostCause]

What?! She says that you only want to date her because of your own ego?

 

Merin2, I'll clarify: apparently by choosing to stay with her, I'm merely satisfying my ego by "doing the right thing" and not pursuing someone that she may think I'm interested in (ie "Pretty Girl"), when she feels that I'm more interested in someone else rather than her. Therefore by "doing the right thing", I'm not being true to who she thinks I am. So she merely thinks that my ego has created this false image of me; that I think I really want to be with her, but in reality, I don't. So I would be lying to both her and to myself. I know I am not deceiving myself. Really EXTREMELY messed up. I'm also curious as to your thoughts on whether it's better to lie and give her some extra security, or be honest, even though the truth isn't always prettier? In this particular incident I didn't mean anything by it at all. I have no idea how I can fix this now, but I wonder if it's even worth it? ::shrugs::

[Merin]

Originally posted by LostCause

Merin2, I'll clarify: apparently by choosing to stay with her, I'm merely satisfying my ego by "doing the right thing" and not pursuing someone that she may think I'm interested in (ie "Pretty Girl"), when she feels that I'm more interested in someone else rather than her. Therefore by "doing the right thing", I'm not being true to who she thinks I am. So she merely thinks that my ego has created this false image of me; that I think I really want to be with her, but in reality, I don't. So I would be lying to both her and to myself. I know I am not deceiving myself. Really EXTREMELY messed up. I have no idea how I can fix this now, but I wonder if it's even worth it? ::shrugs::

 

MG! LOL I feel for you, I do.

 

She sounds like she speaks another language that only she understands...

 

Wish I had something more to offer you... I can see why you're frustrated.

[Smucks212]

Wow okay I thought I understood some of her thinking, but honestly I've never got to the point where I start thinking my boyfriend is only with me becuase it's doing the right thing. One way you can show her you're not with her just for the sex is to not have sex. That's the only thing I can think of. When you stop having sex and saying I love you, it really shows what the relationship is worth, whether you can build intimacy without those two things being so verbally present.

 

Honestly though it sounds like you're getting really irritated. Maybe try writing her a letter and explaining to her how you feel you're being treated and that all you want to do is be with her because of this that and whatever and not because you are selfish and naive (qualities she's displaying).

 

My opinion on lies is that they don't work. In a response to "yeah she's pretty" if she asks about her friend you could then complement your girlfriend or say "but that could be different on the inside". It's totally what's inside that counts, without yourself you don't have anything. Good luck

[Cricket96]

Guys should learn to say "She's ok" even though she's drop dead gorgeous. Or joke and say, "Not as pretty as you are." I'm 25 and I get a teeny bit annoyed when my guy agrees that a girl is pretty, unless it's a supermodel or celebrity then I don't mind, but if I asked if the bank teller was pretty and he said yes, I'd be slightly annoyed. My boyfriend likes to save his butt by saying, "I didn't even noticed her." Cute huh?

[Merin]

Originally posted by Cricket96

Guys should learn to say "She's ok" even though she's drop dead gorgeous. Or joke and say, "Not as pretty as you are." I'm 25 and I get a teeny bit annoyed when my guy agrees that a girl is pretty, unless it's a supermodel or celebrity then I don't mind, but if I asked if the bank teller was pretty and he said yes, I'd be slightly annoyed. My boyfriend likes to save his butt by saying, "I didn't even noticed her." Cute huh?

 

True, a guy could go that route and say what you've suggested... BUT isn't it kind of entrapment or fishing if YOU are the one who asks your boyfriend such a loaded question?

 

Don't ask a question you don't really want the answer to.

[Adunaphel]

If you really love this girl even if she is so insecure(and a tad immature), I think Cricket96 's advice is excellent.

 

Originally posted by Cricket96

Guys should learn to say "She's ok" even though she's drop dead gorgeous. Or joke and say, "Not as pretty as you are." I'm 25 and I get a teeny bit annoyed when my guy agrees that a girl is pretty, unless it's a supermodel or celebrity then I don't mind, but if I asked if the bank teller was pretty and he said yes, I'd be slightly annoyed. My boyfriend likes to save his butt by saying, "I didn't even noticed her." Cute huh?

 

I am also 25 and I don't get annoyed if my bf agrees that a girl is pretty, I don't even get *too* annoyed if he agrees that she is prettier than me, but when I ask whether he's pick her over me I get upset when I get a different answer than 'no'.

 

I hope *any* girl would be happy with answers like 'not as pretty as you are'!!!

 

Anyway, your gf should realize she has double standards. You can't get so upset over a 'yes, she is pretty' AND pointing out attractive lads yourself.

[young&idealistic]

If you're thinking it's more than you can take, I would advise you to at least give it one more good shot before you bail out, especially if you're as in love as you say. She's being ridiculous and she knows it, but she actually has gotten you convinced you did something wrong.

 

First off, show her these posts. These posts are proof that you really do mean everything you've been telling her because when you wrote them you had no idea she'd read them and no motivation to lie. When she sees what you said about never EVER cheating she'll feel a lot better. That way she has proof she can trust you, hopefully for good.

 

Actually, that'll probably solve the whole problem. But, I would also suggest telling her cutely that, darn it, until you're convinced I really love you, you're not getting laid! And really stick to it, too.

 

When she says a guy is hot, say (again in a cute teasing way) oh my god I'll never trust you again. I know you want to be with him instead of me!

 

And yes, some of us women are crazy sometimes. I'm sorry, I wish I could stop myself, but we sometimes can't help getting mad if you say you think a girl is pretty and don't then turn around and remind us how much prettier you think we are. I know, it's not fair. You shouldn't have to do that. But, if you don't mind, it helps A LOT! Don't lie about the other girl, just show your gf more appreciation than you give the other woman. Say something like, she's pretty, but you're absolutely irresistable, especially with that cute little mad look you just got on your face!

[Mary3]

I would not bother with reassuring your gf every 10 minutes because its going to leave you EXHAUSTED !

 

Here is what I would say when she asks you: Is she pretty ?

 

" OH hell NO ! HER ??? HER as in that skanky undesirable excuse for a human being ?? OH Heck No ! " .....

 

Then proceed to put a plastic bag on your head when you go out in public so you wont offend her by looking at anything but your shoes

 

If you like this high emotional maintenance kind of girl then stay with her or otherwise GET OUT and find a girl with some SELF CONFIDENCE.....This is soo wasteful.....reclaim your life !

 

Go quietly ...............

[LostCause]

Oh boy oh boy, just when things seemed to be getting better. About a day or two after the incident she was fine, and all was well. Too bad good things in life never seem to last...this morning, we're lying in bed. It is 6:30 AM. She needs to get up because she needs to get ready for work. She gets ready to get out of bed, and then she asks me, "are you horny, baby?" I foolishly said no, even though I was a little, because I didn't want to take up her time in the morning, and because I didn't want to be brushed off. So instead, she turns my words around on me and now she thinks that the fact that I wasn't horny the morning after basically tells her that I'm happy for the sex, but that she's nothing to me and that I'm done with her. Man, it seems I can only say the WRONG thing sometimes. I tried to talk to her about it for 2 hours after the fact, being horny first thing at 6:30 AM might be scary for her, but she wouldn't listen. If I wasn't horny seeing her naked body first thing in the morning, she must no longer be desirable to me, I must be sick of her, have no respect for her, and she thinks I'm an a**h***. This is so false it's not even funny. Why couldn't I have just told her I was feeling it?! Sometimes I hate myself, and it's not because I feel I did anything wrong...I just wish I wouldn't come across as an a**h***, because I'm not one! I know I love this girl for more than just physical pleasure, but she doesn't feel that's the case, and she's extremely closed-minded and stubborn in her way of thinking...I fear the end is near, one way or another, I can't stand for this! It's so god damn frustrating!! It seems all I can do is hurt her (unintentionally) as well as myself! And worst part is, I'm building her faith and confidence, it's getting bigger and better, and it looks like things are going great, and all of a sudden, I say something stupid and pop the balloon, and bingo right back at square one! I know I deserve better, but I don't want to leave! Although if I don't, she may decide to leave me! ::sob::

[cloudy902]

Hi there, I'm sorry but this is a battle that you will not win. You will never be able to say the right thing that she wants to hear because she will twist it around into something else. And even if she is satisfied with what you say, you can probably never say it enough. This girl sounds extremely insecure and like she is in need of some serious counseling. As long as you enable this crazy behavior from her, you are not helping her. Put your foot down and tell her firmly that you love her and x, y, z, but to quit twisting your words around. As long as you play her games she will not get better.

[SoleMate]

If I wasn't horny seeing her naked body first thing in the morning, she must no longer be desirable to me, I must be sick of her, have no respect for her, and she thinks I'm an a**h***....Sometimes I hate myself....I just wish I wouldn't come across as an a**h***

You sound like an affectionate and considerate boyfriend with an insecure, controlling gf who jumps to bizarrely wrong conclusions. Gimme a break...you claiming to not be aroused somehow gets twisted around to say that you're only interested in her for sex???? Heck, not only was her behavior rude and neurotic, it was also utterly illogical. (BTW - I think you should have admitted to being aroused if you were. You shouldn't ever be afraid of telling your SO that you are aroused. If you are, because you fear punishment or hurtful rejection, that's a problem right there...)

 

I just don't think you're ever going to be able to twist your mind in to such knots that you can satisfy her every insecurity and avoid "setting her off" like you did this morning. And if you could twist your mind that way...it would be even worse! I have met people who appear to have become literally neurotic attempting to comply with the bizarre and punishing demands that their insecure, troubled SO's put on them. They carry the scars for years afterwards and sometimes for life.

 

Look at your reaction. Your behavior is considerate, she rips into you, and then you hate yourself. Sheesh, I wouldn't even train a dog that way because I know he would go bonkers!

 

Another thing...lots of youngish people (late teens, early twenties) are very insecure in relationships and act similar to your gf. They're just getting their feet under them romantically and are learning to deal with all the strong emotions. The difference is that it is usually not this severe, and many of them can use their personal resources, like learned politeness and caring and a few shreds of hope and confidence to moderate these painful feelings and avoid punishing outbursts against their partner.

 

LostCause, I recommend that you leave her. You can't ever satisfy her, and you'll lose your self-esteem and self-confidence trying.

[LostCause]

I'm seriously grief-stricken. I can't explain anything to her. I decided to take someone's advice and try to show her these posts to let her know that I'm serious, but she wouldn't even look when I tried to show her. She said nothing can make up for having said that to her. Again I merely meant I wasn't feeling it then (although I might have been a little), not to imply that she is undesirable in any way. If I really did feel that way, I'd be more blunt about it. I told her this, and she disagreed because she doesn't believe that I would let myself do something like that, since it's a direct, blunt, assholic thing to do. She says if I did that, I'd be betraying my "good guy image" of myself. It's so untrue it's driving me crazy. She seems to get herself more worked up about it the more she thinks about it. At the moment it happened she was kinda bothered, but still ok. Then silence for the next 30 minutes, then she starts ranting about men and how they're all the same, blah blah blah. It doesn't neccessarily bother me to listen to her, it just bothers me that she thinks I'm as bad as everyone else when I know I have nothing but the best intentions...and I still end up causing her pain!! I don't know what I should do! Last time, I ignored her for a while, and after a day she came back to reality and all was well again, but I don't know if she'll have the same response this time. If I block her from my AIM buddy list, she'll probably just come to the conclusion that she's right about everything and that I've had enough of her. Truth is, I know I could probably do better, but she is the ONLY girl I want to be with, despite all her difficulties So confused...I just wish I could die!

[ntovrhm]

Look up some things are borderline personality disorder, and see if any of the symptoms fit. Not saying she has it, or doesn't, but it may help you decide at least that your behavior is not crazy.

 

My ex may not have had it technically (didn't fit into the profile for all aspects), but there sure were a lot of signs that he was like that.

 

Never could please him, just when I thought I had down what he wanted and needed from me, he would change the rules again. Made me feel like I was walking on eggshells that I would say or do the wrong thing that would set him off (no matter how innocent). I was constantly having to defend myself, when I wasn't doing anything wrong. Books call it "living in OZ", because its just so illogical when you explain their behavior to other people, you find that you have slowly been taken in by it. I was many a time wondering to myself "Am I crazy, because he is being completely illogical!".

 

I also thought maybe he was using this behavior as a why to justify him wanting to break-up with me, but he never really broke up with me did until I pushed some issues. I was just miserable, but blinded by my love for him.

 

Think about it.

[Merin]

Sheesh...

 

Well, IF you really wish to remain with this girl, then buckle up for safety...

 

Be prepared to be WRONG whenever you speak....

Be prepared to beg for forginess at every corner....

Be prepared for your own self esteem to suffer....

 

My Goodness.... what if it was YOU who had asked if she was horny and she had said No...

 

This entire relationship is about HER.... and that ISN'T OKAY.

[Adunaphel]

This entire relationship is about HER.... and that ISN'T OKAY.

 

I think Merin2 hit it right on the head.

 

You can't spend your time walking on eggshells, choosing carefully each word, putting up with all her insecurity tantrums and be constantly on guilt trips when you didn't do anything wrong in first place!

 

You sound like a very nice, caring, sensitive guy. While this relationship sounds very bad for you, there are out there a lot of ladies who'd be more than happy to be with a guy like you.

 

Jusat out of curiosity, why is this girl so special?

Why did you fall in love with her in the first place?

[SoleMate]

I still end up causing her pain!!

You do realize that all the hurt and pain is originating in her head, right?

 

I know I could probably do better, but she is the ONLY girl I want to be with

I'm SURE you can do better. You might have a hard time doing WORSE, though. You sound very bonded to her and in love with her. Your head needs to get a little firm with your heart and rip this self-esteem crushing parasite right off your chest wall. Please check out The Lost Guide to No Contact.

 

BTW, it doesn't matter what she thinks about the breakup. Her thoughts are illogical, so you might as well wonder what number will be coming up on Lotto.

[NothingIsForever]

Love doesn't exist. There is SOMETHING you want from this girl and somehow she has the way you want it. Ask yourself: What is IT that she has that you can't live without?! Stop complaining and start MAKING THINGS HAPPEN...Leave her or Put up with her. Oh, by the way, she's NOT going to change...and forcing her would just make things even worse....