seeing my exMM tomorrow

[izzybelle]

ok, i'm a nervous wreck. i've been waiting for months to see my exMM face to face to discuss what happened between us. i won't go into great detail, i have somewhere else in here, i think, but it's the same old story. said he didn't love his wife, his marriage was over, i was the most important person in his life, he loved me.... and then went back to her. because it was LDR all of this happened over phone and through email. so i requested to see him the next time i was in town, now almost 3 months since things started falling apart and 5months since the last time i saw him. i'm packed. a bittersweet thing. all the other times i went to see him i spent hours deciding what to take and agonizing over what lingerie. this time it didn't matter and it was easier to shove stuff in the suitcase. but as much as i'm angry with him right now, i definitely miss the anticipation of seeing him and spending hours just looking at each other.

 

so, i leave on a plane in the morning (i hate to fly!!!) and i'll see him (or that's the plan) after work. and i'm a mess. i know what's going to happen, i know i won't get the answers i'm hoping for, but i have to do it so i can get back to my life and hopefully someday fall in love with someone else. i know i need to get him out of my life and i'm trying to prepare for the next round of heartache i know i'm setting myself up for. and i know i need to let him get back to his life as well. i will admit i'm dying to call his wife. she knows about me and i'd love to talk to her and get her side of the story of their relationship. but i guess in the grand scheme of things it won't accomplish anything except causing him more trouble. in some ways, i don't know that i care if he has more trouble, but i don't know that i could ever do that intentionally.

 

if any of you live in the DC area and hear someone screaming f*** you at the top of their lungs, it's probably just me.

 

just needed to vent and to feel like i was talking to someone about this because as i'm sure many of you will understand, talking about an affair (ended or ongoing) with a married man isn't easy to do to everyone or anyone for that matter.

[Merin]

I wish you the best of luck....

 

One word of advice..... and I really believe this will help you so much maybe not right then, but later on after you've gone back home, and that is.... have grace, dignity, and a strong presense (even if you don't feel it)

 

No crying (I know it's so hard not to) No telling him F**k you (even if it's screaming in your mind) No asking him to change his mind (you deserve better)

 

When you get back to your hotel if you want to cry then do so, if you want to scream do so.... but let the last indelable image of you (in his eyes) be of a woman with grace, dignity and a strong sense of self....

 

You will feel so much better leaving it on YOUR terms, and at the end of the night he will know that he had and lost a remarkable woman.

 

Good Luck

[izzybelle]

merin, thanks and that's my hope too. but i've packed the waterproof mascara just in case.

 

keeping my sh*t together is going to be so difficult but i don't think imposible, although right now as i try to work out in my head what i want to say to him, i can feel the tears starting. so i try to replace them with the anger i feel. unfortunately, i'm one of those women who cry when they feel angry so i think i'm doomed either way.

 

so i hope i can walk away with dignity making him realize what he gave up. just can't decide how sexy i should dress!!

[9Lives]

Damm good advice Merin2!!

 

Yeah, you [color=red]must[/color] maintain a strong front. No emotional breakdowns. Dont go into the missing you conversation. Just be polite, be cool, be confident,...definately look and smell like a breathe of fresh air. You need to make sure you. Need to be the best you ..you can be. Like you were when he met you. You need this one for team!!!

[izzybelle]

jvjrose, thanks... you guys are great! i've known him for years but when he saw me when this whole mess started he said he was just taken with how i looked.

 

i'm worried about lapsing into the missing you conversation, because i do miss him, as only some of you can imagine. i'm also prone to getting pretty emotional so i figure i'll have a few beers to bolster my confidence before he arrives! maybe i could just throw up on his shoes, seems like a fitting parting gift to me!

 

i guess i just don't know how he's going to react. if he still cares for me even a tenth of what he said he did, i think this will be difficult for him as well. and yes, there's a part of me that wants to see him squirm. so many questions i want answers to. mostly whether or not it was all just a lie. but then again, if i fell for it all before, don't know if i'll be able to tell the difference this time. but at least i'll be able to look into his eyes when he tells me instead of just sitting there holding the phone of crying on my keyboard.

[Merin]

Originally posted by izzybelle

merin, thanks and that's my hope too. but i've packed the waterproof mascara just in case.

 

keeping my sh*t together is going to be so difficult but i don't think imposible, although right now as i try to work out in my head what i want to say to him, i can feel the tears starting. so i try to replace them with the anger i feel. unfortunately, i'm one of those women who cry when they feel angry so i think i'm doomed either way.

 

so i hope i can walk away with dignity making him realize what he gave up. just can't decide how sexy i should dress!!

 

You're welcome girl;)

 

I know how hard it is not to cry... LOL I'm that way to when I'm mad!

 

BUT You will feel so much better about yourself (and this needs to be all about you, not him) if you can (and I know you can!) keep it together for an hour or so.

 

Don't let the anger and emotional crap overwhelm you (there will be plenty of time for that later when he isn't looking)

 

In keeping it together, having dignity and grace you have won girl, because you've taken away that control from him and letting him see the girl he has lost.

[Merin]

Assume it was all a lie, because regardless if he loved/loves you he is STILL married to his wife.

 

So even if he says it isn't/wasn't a lie.... he is then only lying to himself.

[izzybelle]

merin, you're right on so many levels, especially about the lying stuff.

 

i know i have to make this all about me, it's been so much about him for the last few months. he needs to do this, he needs to try one more time with his wife, he needs to... y'all can just fill in the blanks. it is going to be difficult to not make it about "us" ... what happened to "us", what happened to the "promises" he made about us and not wanting to lose us. well, that was a lifetime ago and i need to keep telling myself that.

 

all this really helps, i'm still nervous and i'm still taking bets that he'll chicken out and won't show. of course then i'll be really angry and i think maybe he knows that. i'm guessing he's nervous too, serves him right, he should be. i can't imagine having to face someone i'd been lying to and have them realize that it was all just a facade. but maybe i'm giving him more credit than he deserves.

[Merin]

Originally posted by izzybelle

merin, you're right on so many levels, especially about the lying stuff.

 

i know i have to make this all about me, it's been so much about him for the last few months. he needs to do this, he needs to try one more time with his wife, he needs to... y'all can just fill in the blanks. it is going to be difficult to not make it about "us" ... what happened to "us", what happened to the "promises" he made about us and not wanting to lose us. well, that was a lifetime ago and i need to keep telling myself that.

 

all this really helps, i'm still nervous and i'm still taking bets that he'll chicken out and won't show. of course then i'll be really angry and i think maybe he knows that. i'm guessing he's nervous too, serves him right, he should be. i can't imagine having to face someone i'd been lying to and have them realize that it was all just a facade. but maybe i'm giving him more credit than he deserves.

 

Sweetie, you are definatly giving him more credit then he deserves..... he has to face his wife everyday knowing he has lied to her and she knows it's all been a facade.

 

He promised her some pretty big things that were important, and obviously he never made good on those promises of "us" for her either.... and my guess is, he never will.

 

Guy's like this never seem to own responsibility for what THEY DO but instead place blame on thier wive's and OW for whats went wrong and why they haven't lived up to any of the promises they made to anyone....

 

"To yourself, be true...." You're going to be okay girl...

[izzybelle]

it's funny, for so long i refused to place him into the "guys like this" category but bottom line, he is one of them. and yes, i know he'll place blame elsewhere. most of it, i'm guessing, on his wife's shoulders. he's had at least one other affair before me. she clued me in on that and he admitted to one, ten years or so ago. when i asked him why that didn't end his marriage he said it was different. never did figure out how, but obviously this one hasn't ended his marriage yet either.

 

and he called me on all my "what ifs" one day not too long ago. if i'd lived closer would it have been different, if his wife had never found out, if his son had left for college when they thought he would and if his wife had left him like she had said she would so many times.

 

i know i can't do anything about all the what ifs, but it's hard to get them out of my head!

 

a part of me can't wait until it's all over, but then again, then it will be all over and that's sad and hurts down to my core. part of me wants him to see how much pain i'm in, and part of me wants him to know that i'll be ok.

 

never been in a situation quite like this before and i always tend to overanalyze everything so tomorrow will be he** for the 5 hours i'll be there before i see him. at least i know the area and can go for a nice long walk or sit in the whirlpool for a while. hmmm.... maybe there will be a cute SINGLE guy at the pool!

[LoneStar49]

Good Morning, Izzy.

 

Like the others have said, hold your head high and no matter the outcome, maintain your grace and dignity. On that front, at least, you'll win either way. I know this is going to be tough, and I don't know that I could put myself through it. No matter the outcome, you know you have friends here that understand and will be here for you when you return. And sure, I know...that doesn't mean much right now.

 

My thoughts are with you.

[izzybelle]

lonestar, thanks... it does mean a lot to me to know that all of you are there and i know i may need some support tonight.

 

the tears are definitely there this morning but i have about 10 hours to pull it together. i know i'm going to be putting myself through a lot today, and there are moments when i question why i'm doing this. but i have so many unanswered questions and i guess in some ways i don't feel he deserves to be "let off the hook" as easily as he'd like. i think he figure that because it was LDR that he'd just have to tell me over the phone and it would be done. but i need closure for me.

 

don't get me wrong, i think this has been hard for him too. or at least the tone of his voice has led me to believe it. we'll see. as i tried to sleep last night so many thoughts were running through my head and perhaps the most important thing that i think will get me through today is that i'm not sure i even know him anymore. perhaps that's just because it's been so long since i've seen him, but i just have a hard time imagining that the man i feel so madly in love with would so willingly go back on his word. yes, i know, he did to his wife too (moreso than me) so maybe that's just the way he is.

 

better for me to find out this way and now than to have continued this relationship and got even more invested in it (if that's possible) and been let down later.

 

thanks for your thoughts, it's going to be an interesting day!

[ChloeChloe]

Let us all know how things went tonight. We are all rooting for you!! I'll definitely come back online tomorrow morning to see how you are doing-don't spare us any details, we want to hear it all!

[izzybelle]

i'm so bad....as terrible as this is going to sound, i knew the only way for me to heal was to make it all about sex. yes, that's bad, and yes, he's married but i had to do it for me. the last few months it's been all about everything he had to do, but this was for me. he just left and i'm fine, i feel like i've let go. i know to many the whole scenario probably makes no sense, but for some strange reason, i had to. tomorrow we'll see, i may feel differently, but right now i feel so strong and better than i have in so long. my life has been so filled with missing him and wondering what happened that i couldn't stand it. i barely cried, wish i could say i didn't at all, but i didn't fall a part a major accomplishment for me. a few beers left me in just the right state of mind. and i had to leave him with a parting gift. i know it's something i may regret at some point, but right now i don't care. i feel better than i have in about 5 months!!!

 

yes, i'm sure i may catch some grief out there from some, but i had to do it. break up sex whatever you want to call it but i felt in control. something i haven't felt in a very long time. i feel like i took the power back from him that he's had over me for the past few months.

 

i knew i wouldn't get all the answers i wanted but i did get some. and i could tell by the look in his eyes that he really does still care. it was hard for him to know that he wanted me as much as he did and know that he shouldn't. it was probably really cruel because i think he would have just liked to have gone home sooner but it didn't take much to convince him to stay, well maybe a little coaxing. i do believe that he still loves me and if he doesn't, oh well. and i want to believe him when he says that although things are better at home... i think he described them as "tolerable". but he was mine for a brief moment. and now he's gone and i can move on. he said it felt so right to be with me and i was the bi*ch and reminded him that it was his choice not to be, not mine but his. that he was the one going home to a "tolerable" situation. i don't think everything between us was a lie, just a gut feeling from the look on his face. thought he was going to cry at one point. he knows i make him happy, he knows what he's going home to and that's his choice.

 

struggled with it all day and finally knew what i needed to do for me. he said making love to me would just create more trouble. didn't much care about the trouble. i know that's really awful. i think he was afraid i'd be hysterical if he did, but i smiled and let him out the door with a big hug, a kiss, and a "you know where to find me." don't know if his marriage will make it and in some ways, i don't care at this point. i know he'll remember me standing at the door saying goodbye in a thong and a t-shirt and that's enough for me!

 

yes, i still love him and would love it if he showed back up at my door, but i know that won't happen and as i sit here smiling..... just wanted to see his face on the pillow next to mine one more time.

 

yes, i'm awful, i'm a whatever anyone wants to call me....i freely admit it but he** i'm happy!!!

[Quilly]

I'm glad you did what YOU needed to do and not what everyone else said you should do. You're not awful... I would do the exact same thing given the opportunity. I'm sure it probably doesn't make sense to most, but being with him one more time and knowing that it will be the last time... it's like the final page of a good book... "The End."

[izzybelle]

quilly, thanks! oddly enough, i have a feeling in my gut that it won't be the last time. just the last time for a very, very long time. i know he needs to figure things out and i know there's no time limit on that. but at one point when i said, "i know it's none of my business but... are you and your wife "completely" back together again?" he said no and i teased him as to which part of my question he was answering.

 

they've supposedly been "trying" for several months now and it seems to be either progressing at the pace of a snail or not at all. in any case, if it goes on like this i think he'll give up on it eventually. or she will. whether i'll still be interested, who knows. but he knows that's the risk.

 

i guess i don't feel like it's the end of the book. just the end of a chapter. we'll see what happens but it's up to me.

[Quilly]

I don't know if having hope is a good thing or bad in these situations. Either way, it doesn't matter for me as there is none in my situation. It's over, he's made his choice, and he's not unhappy. So, unfortunately for me, I have to write that ending... which I will, but like you, I'm going to do it my way.

 

Good luck! I hope you're able to move on and enjoy your life no matter what he decides!

[overseas2004]

i know he'll remember me standing at the door saying goodbye in a thong and a t-shirt and that's enough for me!

 

 

Sorry but I find this to be particularly pathetic...

[izzybelle]

may be pathetic to you but for me it was healing. i've talked to him once since then and i think we're both feeling ok about the way things ended. for me it was what i needed to do. so pathetic or not i'm ready to move on and as importantly, comfortable finally with the fact that he needs to as well. unless you've been involved in having to "let go" in one of these situations it's hard to explain the hurt and roller coaster of emotions that you go through. and i think we all find our own way of being able to let go. for many it's just going NC, but i don't deal with things that way. so this was what i needed to do. and he's left with the image of what he left behind, physically, emotionally.

[Quilly]

Absolutely... now when he looks back, he'll remember a sexy, confident woman... not a wimpering, brokenhearted one. If I had a choice, that's how I'd want to be remembered (sexy, not wimpy)!

 

Being in love with someone that chooses not to be with you can take a toll on your pride and sense of self-worth. Taking any opportunity to gain some of that back to make yourself stronger makes perfect sense to me!