CanHopeSurvive Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Hi, all. My story is long and I will try to spare all of the details...but a quick recap is in order. My MM and I had a one night stand four years ago when he was engaged. We work together and proceeded to fall in love over the next year while he was planning his wedding. We never admitted it to each other at the time...and we tried to maintain some boundaries, although I think deep down we both knew. He went ahead with his wedding, having been with his wife for many many years since high school. Reflecting back, he feels that he did what was expected of him by his family and such, but it is hard to say for sure. Four months after the wedding, we admitted our feelings to one another. We fought the attraction for another month, but one thing led to another and we ended up in a full blown affair. At first, he asserted that he didn't plan to leave his wife, but he rapidly began to talk about how much he wished he could be with me and that he knew he'd never really be happy with her. Eventually, after a few years of an affair, he told his wife he wanted a divorce. He moved out. That was last June. Since then, it has been a rollercoaster of emotions...depression, guilt, regret, waffling. It has been tremendously difficult to navigate. For many months, he would go back and forth...sure he was going to end things permanently with her and make a life with me, followed by an assertion that he had to at least try to make it work with her even though he knew he'd never really love her like he should. About five months ago, the waffling changed to something different. It was more like a consistent relationship between me and him, coupled with a once a week dinner date with her. He asserts that they weren't sleeping together and I believe that...but that he was trying to gradually...I don't know. He is never entirely clear. He says he isn't sure why it is hard for him to completely let go. That he thinks he is trying to make her walk away so that his family won't hate him (I forgot to add that when he left her originally, his family turned on him completely...his brother and him still barely speak...his parents have come around a bit but mostly because they know he is "trying" by having dinner with her once a week). In the meantime, I've tried ending it...and that never lasts. He immediately starts telling me that he can't live without me. That he will never be happy unless he finds a way to be with me. And I cave every time. Our relationship feels really great...except that now my insecurities and panic are starting to eat away at things. I'm constantly scared and paranoid. And as the passion of an affair settles into the routine of a relationship, I start to fear that he will change his mind again. After all, he still hasn't filed for a divorce. Our friends all know about us, and we are a public couple in the town in which we both live. But his family and his wife live in a neighboring town and are completely unaware. That's where I am...mostly just lost. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Stop seeing him until he files for divorce. He clearly is a person who avoids conflict and hard decisions. Clearly. So, acknowledge that and do it for him. If he can't live without you and you take away his opportunity to have you both, he will file. He is nearly there or he is not telling you the truth. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanHopeSurvive Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 I agree logically with what you are saying. 100% But it is easier said than done. I'm in therapy now and back on anti-depressants because of the emotional toll this has taken on me...but I find myself incapable of really drawing that line as I should. I ended it about a month ago...that lasted three weeks...with several slip up kisses in between. At this point, I'm the boy who cried wolf if I even suggest ending it again. We just recently rekindled from that last one. He did seem to assure me that he would have taken definitive steps by summer (our employment is seasonal in nature so the daily contact won't be inevitable once summer arrives), so I have sorta thought that would be another good place to draw a line if he still hasn't taken action. But I can't even seem to make it 24 hours without contacting him. I'm a little bit of a mess (actually more than a little) right now and I'm behaving in ways that defy self-respect. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 You love him very much and this is frustrating. I couldn't deal with his behavior, but will not judge you. But if he can't make decisions...someone has to. If you can't either...life doesn't work that way. One partner has to be able to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 It's hard for you, but imagine how hard it is for him? This woman he's known for such a long time and they have a history together. He has tried to walk away and can't. And chances are, he won't. I agree that you need to back off and get out of his life until he is officially divorced. Look at how you've been feeling. Anxiety, depression, feeling crazy, acting crazy because of your emotions. Taking control and ending it is the only way for all those awful feelings to go away. yeah it'll hurt and you'll be sad, go through a rough time BUT, at least you'll have some self respect and control back. If you continue on like this, you're going to feel like crap all the time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CanHopeSurvive Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 They talked at their weekly dinner two weeks ago about her being ready to move forward and that he is holding her back. They ended the evening more quickly than typical and he hasn't spoken to her since then. They did not have their weekly dinner this week. He feels as though he is taking the steps he needs to take to get us to a place where we can be together without alienating his family or being consumed with guilt over hurting her. I'm not sure I completely understand all of that...but I try to. In his mind, he has walked away from her...but hasn't yet severed it completely. He has lived on his own since last July. She has never been to his apartment...doesn't even know where he lives. We live our lives as if we are a couple. It is so difficult to cut that off after four years when it feels "so close" to being what we once dreamed about. Link to post Share on other sites
tryingto Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I definitely understand what you are feeling as I had held on... believing that "our" future was almost realized. I do empathize with how you are feeling but... Right now, you are in a place being overwhelmed with insecurities and uncertainty which is not good for your relationship and definitely not good for you. You are in a situation which has necessitated you having to take anti-depressants! Please know, I am not judging you. I feel for you (as I was in a similar place recently) but a relationship is supposed to add positive things to your life, make you happier and more joyful not add doubt, fear, insecurities and pain. Give him an opportunity to wrap up his "unfinished business" and while he is, take time to focus on yourself, becoming stronger and realizing your true worth. I believe he will come to you if/when he does. And then.... you both can move forward in a healthier way, without this "unfinished business" tarnishing your relationship. I know it's hard but I hope if you really think about it, you will realize it's the best thing to do at this time... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sybo24 Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I really feel for you and know ive been in the same situation. What I am realising is that 1 you can love your wife and lover at the same time but they are different sorts of love. 2 I understand how hard it is for them to leave, and how torn they feel about causing heartache for everyone. 3. They never leave voluntarialy. They will they move bewteen both woman hoping that one of them is strong enough to finally make the decision for him. 4 We must be the strong one and end something that can only bring us more pain. Take control of your own life. I know it is so hard but do believe that in the end the right decision is made and I will find love again with someone who deserves my love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 canhopesurvivie wrote, " He asserts that they weren't sleeping together and I believe that...but that he was trying to gradually..." Okay First** MJwasHere, Your post should be answered as soon as possible by CanHopeSurvive!!!! Very good questions* Second... uh, what's up with your above comment I quoted?!?! I think I would crawl right out of my skin if I was told this! Please clarify if I have mis-read. But what I read is MM & his W were NOT sleeping together BUT he is trying to get her back in the sack "gradually" meaning carefully AND eventually. If that is correct then I feel I must ask you, ARE YOU "OKAY" with that??!? Isn't the whole point of, "I CAN'T LIVE W/OUT YOU" to mean he only wants to bed You and not his wife anymore OR in the Future? It comes across like this MM is working the opposite of that... Let me know* Link to post Share on other sites
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