Author SNH1993 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Share Posted May 14, 2013 She seemed to be opening up more through text last night sending smiley faces and textng me at 12:30 AM but i've learned not to look into text messages too much as they can be very deceiving to what the person is actually feeling. I think i'm going to hang out after work as we had planned(unless she flakes out on me, which wouldn't suprise me at this point) and jst kind of feel her out to see if this is really a decision i want to make at this exact pont and time. It's a huge decision for me to make, and i just want to feel her out when we hang out tonight and by all means if things don't go well or just feel awaward then i will just not contact her and not even really have a talk with her about it. It would just give me peace of mind knowing i tried and gave it a fair shot to see where she is at in person since the whole assumption of her thinking i was on xanax again two nights ago. I will keep you guys updated, and i am not ignoring your advice but it is such a huge decision for me to make and i would just like to have peace of mind before i do make it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 "He who deliberates fully before taking each step will spend his entire life on one leg." I disagree with your plan of action. I really fail to see what further confirmation you need, honestly I do. Sometimes, a bold leap is required. Nobody ever got over a chasm in two small steps. You may fail to see this, but from here, you are classically procrastinating and prevaricating..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Share Posted May 14, 2013 All of this really does suck, because i know you guys are right and when i'm in a logical state of mind i know what is best for me to do. It's those tough emotional states of mind that keeps me in this damn cycle. I talk to my mom about this all of the time and she thought it was pretty wrong of her to say i was annoying her with how i was acting like being needy, whiny, etc. especially when i've been there for her through all of her tough times since the break-up when she calls me crying, saying she misses me, etc. All of what i've done so far doesn't seem to be working and as hard as it may be for me i know you guys are right about no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 Alright i apologize you guys, i really should've taken your advice without hesitation when you gave it to me. Tonight was the last straw for me and now i feel like she has for sure been taking me for granted and taking advantage of me. We made plans yesterday for tonight, and come right around the time she was about to get off work she texts me basically telling me that she knew we had plans but she was going to go out and drink at one of her girlfriends house who she has seen and blew me off for all week. I texted her and told her not to contact me unless she gets herself sorted out and wants reconciliation(which at this point i'm not even sure i want to be with her anymore after how she has treated me). and left it at that. I know for a fact she got my texts and was awake and just decided to ignore them. I fully expect her to hit me with the "oh im sorry i was asleep line" tommorow at some point but she will be ignored. I apologize for not taking you guys advice sooner but i can't take this pain anymore of being happy one minute and then confused/mad the next. I will have my days where i feel weak but i will use this thread to vent if i get the urge to contact her at all .Thsnk you guys again for the support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 She hit me with the "im too drunk to type" line instead here at 2 in the morning. I won't reply because to me it is not even about her ignoring me tonight, it's an accumulation of things since the break-up that really made me realize what was really going on here. I'm just here to stroke her ego when she is bored and it is pretty much the basis of the friendship at this point. I feel stupid as hell and exactly like a doormat Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I feel stupid as hell and exactly like a doormat You're not stupid and you're not a doormat. You tried to save a relationship that wasn't working. We've all done it. You learn from it and move on. You'll be okay. Feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 She hit me with the "im too drunk to type" line instead here at 2 in the morning. I won't reply because to me it is not even about her ignoring me tonight, it's an accumulation of things since the break-up that really made me realize what was really going on here. I'm just here to stroke her ego when she is bored and it is pretty much the basis of the friendship at this point. I feel stupid as hell and exactly like a doormat Well, feel stupid, and remember what feeling like a doormat - feels like. Remember this. Keep that emotion and sensation acutely aware and awake, in your mind; because if she persists in keeping in touch, THAT'S precisely the way you never ever want to feel again. I'm honestly and sincerely sorry things turned out this way. But agreed - you're neither stupid (you were in love.... there's a subtle difference! ) and you certainly are NOT a doormat. Dodged the bullet there, my dear. Hugs. Take care, keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 I will make im aware of that feeling and keep in touch with it as motivation to not go back and be treated the same way again. She will get the hint that I was serious and not just in one of those heat of the moment times. Idk what her deal is but she does not seem like the person i first met and fell in love with to begin with. She can say xanax this and xanax that but all i can do is keep bettering myself and stay away from it, haven't even smoked marijuana in a month and a half when it also used to be an everyday thing. It's funny to me because now she is the one going out and getting drunk and high all of the time now that her friend doesn't have so much of her time taken up by school anymore. She needs time to herself to figure out what she wants anyway, i'm tired of her playing games Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 16, 2013 Author Share Posted May 16, 2013 Well, she made the reason why she had beena cting so weird very clear this morning. She is moving to San Marcos apparently(where a lot of her firends live and that other guy she was talking to lives) and that's why she has been taking me for granted. She basically let it be known that the way she had been acting was all out of spite from the past relationship. I was prety shocked at her immature texts she has sent me and all of this really hurts now that I have this girl I love acting like this out of spite towards me, I don't know how someone can be so cold to someone they once loved and have been close to for a good 3 years. I feel like she is feeling extrmely guilty about knowing she was moving there and leading me on this whole time to think there was possible reconcilation. Link to post Share on other sites
EnTT Posted May 17, 2013 Share Posted May 17, 2013 Well, she made the reason why she had beena cting so weird very clear this morning. She is moving to San Marcos apparently(where a lot of her firends live and that other guy she was talking to lives) and that's why she has been taking me for granted. She basically let it be known that the way she had been acting was all out of spite from the past relationship. I was prety shocked at her immature texts she has sent me and all of this really hurts now that I have this girl I love acting like this out of spite towards me, I don't know how someone can be so cold to someone they once loved and have been close to for a good 3 years. I feel like she is feeling extrmely guilty about knowing she was moving there and leading me on this whole time to think there was possible reconcilation. You and I are in the same boat.. Leading someone on is a terrible thing to do, worse when you actually "know" you are. Take this time now to focus on yourself and be proud of your sobriety. Use it to mold yourself into who YOU wanna be. That's what I'm trying to do man.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 17, 2013 Author Share Posted May 17, 2013 How is your situation looking like man? would you care to fill me in on the details? It helps to know i'm not the only person in this kind of situation and there are others too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 Hey all just kind of wanted to update my situation a bit. well, she has been coming over a lot and opening up a lot more. Last night, she came over and she starts crying and then tells me she is having second thoughts about moving for school because of how happy she has been lately. She says things have gotten a lot better with us and we are now "working on things" as opposed to her just refusing the idea of another chance at all. I was advised to go no contact early on in my situation but I feel as if my approach I decided to take has been working for me so far. She then told me this morning that she knew that she wasn't going to be able to move because she still owes another apartment complex money when we tried to move for school together a year prior to all of this. I know nothing is set in stone with my situation and I could still very well get burned with all of this, but just thought I should share to keep you guys updated and give some other people some hope. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Hey all just kind of wanted to update my situation a bit. well, she has been coming over a lot and opening up a lot more. Last night, she came over and she starts crying and then tells me she is having second thoughts about moving for school because of how happy she has been lately. She says things have gotten a lot better with us and we are now "working on things" as opposed to her just refusing the idea of another chance at all. I was advised to go no contact early on in my situation but I feel as if my approach I decided to take has been working for me so far. She then told me this morning that she knew that she wasn't going to be able to move because she still owes another apartment complex money when we tried to move for school together a year prior to all of this. I know nothing is set in stone with my situation and I could still very well get burned with all of this, but just thought I should share to keep you guys updated and give some other people some hope. This, to me, is a red flag.... anyone else see this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on it Link to post Share on other sites
Deerhunter Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Pay that apartment complex off and watch how quick she moves to San Marcos. Watch your ass. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Ok,let me narrow it down and be a bit more precise... Last night, she came over and she starts crying and then tells me she is having second thoughts about moving for school because of how happy she has been lately.... .....'Because of how happy she has been lately'. How touching..... Then, we get an admission.... .... She then told me this morning that she knew that she wasn't going to be able to move because she still owes another apartment complex money when we tried to move....a year prior to all of this.... So in fact, her primary reason for staying, is a question of finances. Think about it: If she can't move, then perhaps trying to get back with you, would make her feel more comfortable. She's not staying because she's been so happy lately. Her main reason for staying, is that she cannot actually afford to move. So frankly, her debt is the real reason. You being available still - is a bonus...... Lucky for her, it seems you're quite easy to convince. ...I could still very well get burned with all of this.... You don't say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 The more and more this unfolds the more shady everything seems to get. This whole time I've been thinking I was one of the factors in deciding whether she was staying or not, at least that's how she makes it seem. But you're right it is a little weird that this morning she basically admits that the move to San Marcos was not going to happen because she had debt on another apartment complex I wasn't even aware she still had. she hasn't brought that up in ages so I figured she had that taken care of by now. I don't know why she bothered telling me she was even going to move to San Marcos if she knew that it wasn't going to happen with the debt of the other complex being on her credit. Even if she has technically not been declined by the apartment complex yet, she still knows it's not going to happen because her mothers credit is already ruined from the time we tried to move together for school before and with this complex she would have to go off of her own credit, which she basically doesn't have any credit as she is only 20 years old. Why do you think she even bothered telling me she was planning to move if she already knew it wasn't going to happen? And deerhunter, I already know that if by some miracle she does get accepted by the new apartment complex that she would make the move to San Marcos. this all just seems so ****ed up now Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Maybe she DIDN'T know it wasn't going to happen. Maybe she thought that somehow she could get an extension on the payments, or that her mom might be able to pay... or that you'd find out from her mom that the payment was still due.... Which is why YESTERDAY, she was having second thoughts on moving, because she was so happy. Then, thinking about it overnight - "What if he hears from my Mom that money is still owing and that I can't actually afford to move now?? OMG, I'd better tell him before she does!" - and THIS morning, she makes her admission. Damn, I sometimes wish we women weren't so devious. But then again, if I wasn't a woman, I might not have spotted it..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 That's a good possibility the fact that she probably didn't actually know for sure, but me and her mom don't speak ever. At least not on a consistent enough basis that she would be the one to end up telling me about how it wasn't payed off still. But it is however very convenient for her to just now talk about how she is having second thoughts about it when she's really been having second thoughts all along because of the finances. I really don't know what to think of all of this after all the points you just brought up about the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 It's up to you whether you confront her with this, or whether you just be on your guard for more 'two-faced' behaviour. Remember dumpers have an ego. Remember this too: She is moving to San Marcos apparently(where a lot of her firends live and that other guy she was talking to lives) and that's why she has been taking me for granted. She basically let it be known that the way she had been acting was all out of spite from the past relationship. Remember she can be manipulative, inconsiderate and immature. Remember what she's like if she drinks. Do not get suckered in. Yet again. You really, desperately want this to work. She desperately wants to find what works. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 Actually she has been drinking a lot recently now that her friend has just gotten out of classes for the summer. She drinks about 3 times a week as of late, and although I never see her in person when she is drunk I can tell you it's basically as if I don't exist when she is hanging out with her girlfriends. She has ignored me when she has been drunk before recently and just uses the "I just want to enjoy my time with my friends" excuse or the whole "I was too drunk too type" excuse. I have become very aware of the fact that she can be manipulative and immature through her actions. It really just isn't the person I met to begin with at all. I'm confused on what you mean when you said she desperately wants to find a way to make this work. In some ways, I feel like she does want to make it work now that the whole san marcos thing isn't likely to happen and in other ways I have no clue wtf is thinking. I started this update off with what she said last night to me and today things were different as in it's a way "oh i'm still trying to figure everything out and do what's best for me" kind of different from what she told me last night. She blows hot and cold a lot Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 *desperately wants to find what works Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Sorry, allow me to clarify, again: You really, desperately want this to work. You obviously have deep feelings for this girl, and if I may say so, you permit everything you know about her, that is a sure-fire red flag, be obscured by your desire to maintain this relationship. You love her, and you want this to work out. But look at the proportionate effort being put in... How much is from you, and how much from her....? 80/20....? She desperately wants to find what works. She is trying to find a way to make sure she gets something out of this. Her plans had to change - so go to plan 'B'. She drinks more, wants to be less attached to you - but it still serves her emotional purpose (read 'Ego') to have you there as a 'soft place to fall'. She was spiteful to you, deliberately, to make her breaking up with you, easier for her. Now she's all lovey-dovey and so much happier.... People do what works. What she's doing - is working. For her. She's gotten under your skin, through your defences, and has softened you up, to the point that you are now confused. You KNOW all the 'bad stuff' about her. That hasn't gone away. It's all still there. People don't change in a few days. But because she's making 'loving gestures' she's manipulating you into putting all the crap onto a back-burner.... You want this to work. She wants to find what works. See the difference, now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SNH1993 Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 I'm seeing now where you are going with all of this. As long as she can have the benefits of a relationship there really is no need for her to fully commit into one and she can just keep playing the "i'm just still trying to figure things out" card for God knows how long. It may not work well for me, but for her it's just like being in a relationship without having to deal with all of the responsibilities of being in one. I don't know what's been up with all of the drinking lately, she was never a big drinker so maybe that's her way of trying to forget about things and be less attached. Every time it seems as if she says something that makes me think she wants to reconcile she flip flops the next day right back to her still trying to figure things out. It just seems like one big game i'm playing here at points and after all that has happened I'm drifting towards it not being even worth it anymore. I've put everything I have into this and I still get these silly games with nothing to show for it Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 I would suggest two things: One: Re-read this whole thread to see just how 'all over the place' you are. Find - for yourself - the comments, from no matter who, which make most sense to you. I'm not going to try to lead you here or point them out. Just look and see what resonates. Two: Ask her, point blank, yes or no, are you two a re-united committed couple, intent on making this relationship work, together? Is she in this to the finish? Does she see this growing and developing, with you both working to make it a success? And wait for the definitive, unequivocal, 'yes or no' answer. If she hesitates, prevaricates, tries to side-step the issue, or protests you're pinning her back to the wall, then that's a 'no'. Link to post Share on other sites
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