Wondering why...

[Nyla]

I have a very close relationship with my BIL's wife. We get along well and we are very supportive of each other. It helps to have someone to giggle about my crazy MIL with. My MIL means well and she can be very thoughtful, but she is also given to tantrums, insulting comments and jealousy.

 

My SIL (Just calling her that to make things easier.) recently had her third miscarriage in less than two years. There were two last year and one very recently. She did not share the news of the last miscarriage with me. I found out from my MIL.

 

My MIL confided this private matter in me, so I will not be telling my SIL that I know about the last miscarriage. It would just cause a family rift and she obviously didn't want my husband and I to know. I'm just confused as to why my SIL did not share this recent tragedy with me. We normally share these things with each other.

 

Perhaps she is embarrassed about trying to conceive again after two miscarriages or maybe my SIL feels a sense of failure because she could not carry a second child to term. My SIL grew up as an only child and she didn't want that for my niece. I feel so sad for my BIL and his wife. They are amazing parents and I know they wanted another child. Some things aren't meant to be though and I know that the miscarriages have taken a toll on their marriage. My poor BIL is an angry and nervous wreck after these experiences.

 

What do you think?

[UpwardForward]

Time will tell.

 

Even though she enjoys sharing w you about MIL, this third miscarriage may have been so hurtful and draining, that only parents know for now.

Edited May 13, 2013 by UpwardForward

[Nyla]

We don't just share about my MIL. We talk about everything under the sun.

 

The past year has been so hard on my BIL and his wife. I feel so much sorrow for them and my three year old niece. The second pregnancy ended just before my BIL and his wife were about to announce the happy news; the heart stopped beating. At that time, I knew my SIL was pregnant because her appearance changed. I didn't want to ask in case I was wrong.

 

My niece desperately wants a sibling. She has an imaginary brother and she refers to their cat as her "sister".

 

I mentioned grief counseling to my SIL, when we visited last summer and my BIL threw a tantrum. This was soon after the second pregnancy loss. My BIL has been very angry and morose recently. Poor poor man.

Edited May 13, 2013 by Nyla

[sb129]

Sometimes there are things you just don't want to talk about, and trying to conceive can be such an emotional rollercoaster that sometimes talking about it is like ripping a plaster off a wound.

 

I lost a pregnancy last year after a long time trying to conceive, and it was awful, I just didn't want to talk about it with anyone.

And when I did eventually get pregnant again after IVF, I didn't share that with many people until it was "safe" to. Even some of my closest friends- I just didn't want to then have to tell them if it didn't work out, and my H and I decided we wanted to keep some things private.

 

If anything I only really wanted to talk to people who had been through what we had- because I knew they'd "get it"...

[Nyla]

Sometimes there are things you just don't want to talk about, and trying to conceive can be such an emotional rollercoaster that sometimes talking about it is like ripping a plaster off a wound.

 

I lost a pregnancy last year after a long time trying to conceive, and it was awful, I just didn't want to talk about it with anyone.

And when I did eventually get pregnant again after IVF, I didn't share that with many people until it was "safe" to. Even some of my closest friends- I just didn't want to then have to tell them if it didn't work out, and my H and I decided we wanted to keep some things private.

 

If anything I only really wanted to talk to people who had been through what we had- because I knew they'd "get it"...

 

I can appreciate the privacy of infertility and the pain. I imagine that the disappointment and sadness must be horrible. I just think it is strange that I was not told since my SIL confided in me the other two times she miscarried. I never expected to hear about this from my MIL since my SIL and I are so close. I'm not hurt that she did not share; just confused.

 

My SIL was about to announce her second pregnancy when it tragically ended. This time, she was only 7 weeks so even if there was no miscarriage, the pregnancy was not going to be announced for at least another few weeks.

 

With respect to your last comment, I may not "get it" because I never lost a child, but my SIL clearly felt that I would be understanding in the past. I know I that I am just a dumb non-parent, but it isn't hard to imagine how wrenching trying to conceive and losing pregnancies must be. This is why I brought up the idea of grief counseling for parents with my SIL, while she was crying because of being verbally assaulted by my BIL. He has been very nasty and rude to his wife and his mother both times that my husband and I visited. I know he is processing grief as that is something my BIL has mentioned.

[sb129]

Please don't take offense, I'm sorry if you did, that really wasn't my intention- and being a "non parent" has nothing to do with it there are plenty of parents out there who don't "get it" either as they haven't ever experienced infertility or loss. I have a friend who has three kids and was completely tactless and insensitive when we were going through our infertility.

 

Obviously your BIL and SIL have different ways of handling the situation- grief counselling is a very sensible suggestion, however often when people are deep in their own despair they don't always see things rationally.... and often they think they are handling things better than they are too, which is hard as a caring family member (as you obviously are) to sit by and watch.

[Nyla]

No apology needed. You are entitled to your opinion and it is true that most people prefer to share tragic events, with those who have experienced the same kind of trauma. I once lost a developmentally challenged nine year old boy when I was 17. He wasn't even my son and I was despondent after he passed, so I can just imagine the heart wrenching loss and sadness after several miscarriages.

 

It is very hard for me to watch my SIL suffer, along with my BIL not knowing how to refrain from lashing out at others in his grief. When my SIL complains to me about her husband, I feel even more sadness for the two of them. She has mentioned divorce as well as the fact that only my niece makes her happy.

[sb129]

It is very hard for me to watch my SIL suffer, along with my BIL not knowing how to refrain from lashing out at others in his grief. When my SIL complains to me about her husband, I feel even more sadness for the two of them. She has mentioned divorce as well as the fact that only my niece makes her happy.

 

You obviously care about her alot.

 

I guess you just have to let her know that you are there for her if she needs you.

 

Sometimes we have to let our loved ones make their own journeys, even if they seem to be losing their way somewhat.

[Nyla]

I do care about them a lot. It always hurts me to see someone I love struggle.

 

I hope that my SIL and her husband can find a way to heal and get through this terrible ordeal.

[sb129]

I do care about them a lot. It always hurts me to see someone I love struggle.

 

I hope that my SIL and her husband can find a way to heal and get through this terrible ordeal.

 

I hope so too. I feel sad for them and don't even know them!

 

They're lucky to have such supportive people in their family.

[Nyla]

I hope so too. I feel sad for them and don't even know them!

 

They're lucky to have such supportive people in their family.

 

Awww, thanks so much for that!

 

We live very far away, so our relationship is mostly on the phone or on FB.

 

My husband has tried to reach out to his brother to no avail. I think my BIL is ashamed of his behavior the last two times we visited.

 

It is so sad that the people who are great parents and deserve kids can't conceive, while abusive and negligent fools have lots of children. Makes me mad how unfair life is sometimes.

[sb129]

It is so sad that the people who are great parents and deserve kids can't conceive, while abusive and negligent fools have lots of children. Makes me mad how unfair life is sometimes.

 

Me too. I have a dear friend who is in a similar situation to your SIL. It's heartbreaking.

 

And in the news yesterday a couple had four kids aged 2,3,4 and 7mths removed from their care AGAIN because the kids were so neglected.

The article went into detail and it was just disgusting what those kids had to suffer.

 

:mad:

[mrs rubble]

She could have all sorts of reasons for not telling you. Your emotions and hormones are off the radar after a miscarriage. I know this only because I went through one myself a couple of months ago! I know if I fell pregnant again (not that it's option!) I wouldn't tell my step daughter until I was delivering....because she was so rude about my pregnancy and failed to even acknowledge my loss. I still feel bitter about that.

Another workmate, I wouldn't tell either beause she ran off and announced my pregnancy for me in the lunchroom and offered my job to a girl who was leaving temperory employment, then failed to acknowledge my loss after the miscarriage.

You or your hubby may have offended them without realizing. Although your suggestion of counselling is a good one, maybe they see it as you intereferring?

The only appropriate thing to say after a miscarriage is "Sorry for your loss" and mean it. Which I know you do.

I sincerely hope they have better luck soon.

[Nyla]

She could have all sorts of reasons for not telling you. Your emotions and hormones are off the radar after a miscarriage. I know this only because I went through one myself a couple of months ago! I know if I fell pregnant again (not that it's option!) I wouldn't tell my step daughter until I was delivering....because she was so rude about my pregnancy and failed to even acknowledge my loss. I still feel bitter about that.

Another workmate, I wouldn't tell either beause she ran off and announced my pregnancy for me in the lunchroom and offered my job to a girl who was leaving temperory employment, then failed to acknowledge my loss after the miscarriage.

You or your hubby may have offended them without realizing. Although your suggestion of counselling is a good one, maybe they see it as you intereferring?

The only appropriate thing to say after a miscarriage is "Sorry for your loss" and mean it. Which I know you do.

I sincerely hope they have better luck soon.

 

I don't know how they could see it as interfering, since my SIL was opening up to me about the problems they have in their marriage. I never asked her questions; she came to me sobbing after my BIL tore a strip out of her in front of us.

 

I would not have mentioned grief counseling if there was not a huge fight and tears when my husband and I visited, as well as my SIL complaining about the effects of the miscarriage on her marriage. If someone comes to me with an issue of their own volition, I don't feel that it is wrong of me to offer an opinion.

 

I'm sorry that I was not clearer initially.

[UpwardForward]

I don't know how they could see it as interfering, since my SIL was opening up to me about the problems they have in their marriage. I never asked her questions; she came to me sobbing after my BIL tore a strip out of her in front of us.

 

I would not have mentioned grief counseling if there was not a huge fight and tears when my husband and I visited, as well as my SIL complaining about the effects of the miscarriage on her marriage. If someone comes to me with an issue of their own volition, I don't feel that it is wrong of me to offer an opinion.

 

I'm sorry that I was not clearer initially.

 

When people are in trouble, they will clam up and for any reason. It just seems she's emotionally in a very bad place right now.

 

It could have been unplanned for MIL to find out about the miscarriage.

[Nyla]

When people are in trouble, they will clam up and for any reason. It just seems she's emotionally in a very bad place right now.

 

It could have been unplanned for MIL to find out about the miscarriage.

 

I agree, especially since my MIL and SIL do not have a good relationship. My MIL is often harsh on people when they are in pain; after the first miscarriage her son and his wife that they should not have announced it so early and just needed to try again. It isn't always that simple.