Crazy boyfriend??

[a fool in love]

I need someone to give me the advice I think I already know. Just to reinforce that I am doing the right thing because it is hard for me to make decisions without always looking back and wondering if what I did was right. Anyways, I have been with this 23 year old man for close to one year now. He treats me good sometimes, and other times is very critical of me. Let me give you a little history on both of us. As far as he is concerned, he comes from a home where his father was an alcoholic and his parents were divorced at an early age. His mom passed away 2 years ago from cancer. His brothers and him fought about the belongings and such, so now he has absolutely no family what so ever. I come from a broken background as well, parents divorced when i was 18, never abusive to me or anything, a very loving family who I am still close with. Which is why I think I put up with his verbal abuse, because I saw my mother take it from my father for quite a few years. Now, as far as our relationship is concerned, I feel like I am replacing the family he doesnt have. And that is fine with me to some extent because I love him dearly and I dont mind being there for him and doing things for him. This is where it gets a bit messy though. If I stop by his house after 2pm, (on my days off) he gets mad at me and tells me I dont love him because I didnt spend the whole day with him, even though I will stay sometimes until 1am. On top of him saying I dont care about him, he questions me about what I did the night before(he has no reason not to trust me, I have eyes for only him). He might tell me how unreliable I am, or pick on some other things, like bring past fights up and throw them in my face, or just plain out call me names, like psycho b**ch, etc. And keep in mind, this is just if I dont come over at 10am. He gets extremely hurtful with his words. He has a sharp tongue, and has told me things like "I hope you have a miscarriage and can never have children", to making up things in his head about me "being with other men" (in more harsh words of course.) To top that off, I think he is extremely depresed. I can not think of but maybe one or two times I have gone to his house and hes not laying in bed. When I do get there early, he just lays in bed for 3 or more hours and watches tv,or smokes pot,and I come over all dressed and ready to go do anything. He never does laundry, cleans his bathroom or bedroom, has no motivation to do anything. His philosophy on life is, and i quote "youre born to die, why do anything when all youre gonna do is die". He has no motivation for school, has a dead end job, and drinks a couple beers every morning when he gets from work. These things worry me, and I wonder if maybe his attitude on life is why he treats me the way he does. I wonder why he is so critical to me, when hes not critical on himself. If I do anything thats not up to his acceptable standards (like be early, talk to my friends that he doesnt like, want to go out instead of just lay in his bed) then I am a bad girlfriend to him. The other night, I had to pick up my friend from work (who was stranded) and he got pissed at me cause hes jealous of this guy. When other guys look at me, he gets quiet and upset and takes it out on me in a "silent, not talking to you for a minute" sort of way. Yet, his ex-girlfriend is at his house every day whom I believe he still likes (even though shes dating his best friend). It just doesnt make sense to me. And everytime something is bothering him, he gets quiet and wont talk to me about it, he lets it build up and then unleashes his fury on me. I have encouraged him to talk to me more openly, I have offered him healthy suggestions for approaching subjects that might offend me, I have done everything I can to encourage a healthy communication line between us. But still, I never do anything right. I dont know what to do. I love this man so much, but his constant critique and name calling is just furiating me. I am beginning to hate his lazy demeanor and his depression is bringing me down. Just tonight, he said to me "I am in control now, when I am done being in control, I will let you know, until then I control this relationship". And when I decide not to take anymore of his insults and walk away, he follows me outside and says things like "youll be back, you always come back". he causes scenes outside in the neighborhood when I try to walk away. He stands behind my car and wont let me leave sometimes, other times he hits my car or threatens to destroy my property. Sometimes he yells at me outside and calls me dirty filthy names to the point that the neighbors are wondering what in the hell is going on. He has even spit on me. Am i just crazy for putting up with his abuse? I mean, even if it happens only once so often, shouldnt one time be enough? Why am I submitting myself to this behavior...help me please with your wonderful words.

 

Thank you

[Tony T]

Yes, you are crazy as hell, not only for putting up with his insults, but his worthless lifestyle as well. Yes, life has dealt him some bad cards but we all have to pick ourselves up and move on to make the best of things. You have not written one word that indicates he is good for you or would make a good mate for you in any way.

 

You seem down deep to have a pretty good head on your shoulders. It seems inconsistent with your logical thought process to be around a loser like this. Just because you feel sorry for somebody is no reason to let them screw your life up for all time. He will just suck you in, use you, and make you miserable. You are getting NOTHING out of this relationship.

 

You may be used to dysfunction in families but you better just stop being used to it. This guy will take you down with him if you let him. He is pretty much a worthless bum and provides you with nothing a woman would want...no emotional support, no trust, no love, no nothing. Sure, maybe that's all because of the way he was raised but that's not your fault or a reason to screw your life up.

 

Get the hell away from him NOW and find a guy who will treat you decently and respect you as a lady. If you don't do that, I can't feel bad for you and not getting away makes this entire situation YOUR fault.

 

Leave and don't look back. One day, when he is ready, he will get help for himself. Meanwhile, there are a lot of people whose lives he can make miserable if they let him. I hope you aren't one of them!!!

[Kid]

I need someone to give me the advice I think I already know. Just to reinforce that I am doing the right thing because it is hard for me to make decisions without always looking back and wondering if what I did was right. Anyways, I have been with this 23 year old man for close to one year now. He treats me good sometimes, and other times is very critical of me. Let me give you a little history on both of us. As far as he is concerned, he comes from a home where his father was an alcoholic and his parents were divorced at an early age. His mom passed away 2 years ago from cancer. His brothers and him fought about the belongings and such, so now he has absolutely no family what so ever. I come from a broken background as well, parents divorced when i was 18, never abusive to me or anything, a very loving family who I am still close with. Which is why I think I put up with his verbal abuse, because I saw my mother take it from my father for quite a few years. Now, as far as our relationship is concerned, I feel like I am replacing the family he doesnt have. And that is fine with me to some extent because I love him dearly and I dont mind being there for him and doing things for him. This is where it gets a bit messy though. If I stop by his house after 2pm, (on my days off) he gets mad at me and tells me I dont love him because I didnt spend the whole day with him, even though I will stay sometimes until 1am. On top of him saying I dont care about him, he questions me about what I did the night before(he has no reason not to trust me, I have eyes for only him). He might tell me how unreliable I am, or pick on some other things, like bring past fights up and throw them in my face, or just plain out call me names, like psycho b**ch, etc. And keep in mind, this is just if I dont come over at 10am. He gets extremely hurtful with his words. He has a sharp tongue, and has told me things like "I hope you have a miscarriage and can never have children", to making up things in his head about me "being with other men" (in more harsh words of course.) To top that off, I think he is extremely depresed. I can not think of but maybe one or two times I have gone to his house and hes not laying in bed. When I do get there early, he just lays in bed for 3 or more hours and watches tv,or smokes pot,and I come over all dressed and ready to go do anything. He never does laundry, cleans his bathroom or bedroom, has no motivation to do anything. His philosophy on life is, and i quote "youre born to die, why do anything when all youre gonna do is die". He has no motivation for school, has a dead end job, and drinks a couple beers every morning when he gets from work. These things worry me, and I wonder if maybe his attitude on life is why he treats me the way he does. I wonder why he is so critical to me, when hes not critical on himself. If I do anything thats not up to his acceptable standards (like be early, talk to my friends that he doesnt like, want to go out instead of just lay in his bed) then I am a bad girlfriend to him. The other night, I had to pick up my friend from work (who was stranded) and he got pissed at me cause hes jealous of this guy. When other guys look at me, he gets quiet and upset and takes it out on me in a "silent, not talking to you for a minute" sort of way. Yet, his ex-girlfriend is at his house every day whom I believe he still likes (even though shes dating his best friend). It just doesnt make sense to me. And everytime something is bothering him, he gets quiet and wont talk to me about it, he lets it build up and then unleashes his fury on me. I have encouraged him to talk to me more openly, I have offered him healthy suggestions for approaching subjects that might offend me, I have done everything I can to encourage a healthy communication line between us. But still, I never do anything right. I dont know what to do. I love this man so much, but his constant critique and name calling is just furiating me. I am beginning to hate his lazy demeanor and his depression is bringing me down. Just tonight, he said to me "I am in control now, when I am done being in control, I will let you know, until then I control this relationship". And when I decide not to take anymore of his insults and walk away, he follows me outside and says things like "youll be back, you always come back". he causes scenes outside in the neighborhood when I try to walk away. He stands behind my car and wont let me leave sometimes, other times he hits my car or threatens to destroy my property. Sometimes he yells at me outside and calls me dirty filthy names to the point that the neighbors are wondering what in the hell is going on. He has even spit on me. Am i just crazy for putting up with his abuse? I mean, even if it happens only once so often, shouldnt one time be enough? Why am I submitting myself to this behavior...help me please with your wonderful words. Thank you

 

well oviously you both have had a history of chaos

 

you are attracted to this (boy) because you have similar backgrounds growing up you saw you mother tolerating this abuse from your father we learn from our parents and thats what you used to seeing therefore that must be the way it is and or i dont deserve better type mentality. I belieave that you must break the cycle now and leave him or you will continue to be miserable and will continue to be in these type of relationships in the future as hard and painfull this may be being independent and finding yourself aswell as hanging around more positive people can be great confidence boosters. Experts say that we attract what we are if we are insecure thats the type people will partner up with unless the cycle breaks.

 

"birds of a feather flock together"'

 

I'm not a expert or anything but I have had some history of family chaos that I worked through and am continuting to battle through it hope some of this makes sence.

 

Kid

[maree]

Please get some help and get out of this relationship. This man you are with is a total loser and a jerk. He seems to be totally abusive. THere are much nicer and better men out there.

 

No one should put up with this ....

 

Get some help...looks like you will need someone stronger than you to help you get out of it.