Caught up in Affair and Now Trying to Pick Up the Peices

[lainey]

This is my first post, but I have been on this site many times looking for advice. So here I am to tell my story and I hope that I can get some advice and clarity on my situation.

 

 

I was unhappily married for many years and was vulnerable. I became very close with a former co-worker, married-2 kids, and had an emotional affair that eventually led up to a physical one that lasted 6 months. During that time, I ended up divorcing my husband, who found out about the affair and still wanted to work it out with me. I was so caught up in my feelings for the OM/MM that I didn’t look back. I thought I was going to be with my OM/MM. He told me he wanted to be with me. We had talked about the future together.

 

 

· For three years, we spoke to each other at least once a day. Mostly about work issues and then we started about more personal things.

· Earlier this year, we were on a business trip and that is when the physical affair began.

· For the next two months, we made it so our schedules would allow us to see each other daily.

· As time went on our loved seemed to grow. It went from having an affair to leaving our spouses for each other.

· He always told me that he wanted to divorce his wife. She was very controlling and if it wasn’t for his kids, he would have left a long time ago. He has two teenage children who are in high school. They married very young and because she was pregnant.

· He told his wife he wanted a separation/divorce and she insisted they could work it out. He agrees to give it a try.

· He did go to counseling with her, but then he started going to individual therapy and she no longer wanted to continue with couples therapy. Eventually, he ended his therapy sessions all together.

· He rented an apartment and had everything set to start a new life apart from her. As he was ready to make the move, he decides he can’t do it because of the kids. He stays home. Some where in this he tells his wife of the affair. She also tells him he is not allowed to talk to family members about it nor anyone else.

· Then he decides that he his not happy at home and within 6 weeks he makes the move out of the house.

· He basically moved in with me for 2+ months. During this time, he still comes home to me every night, but spends virtually all weekend days/evenings at home. He says it was to be with the kids, but he still spent a lot of time with his wife. Meanwhile, he lies to his wife as she thinks he is living in his apartment.

· He told me he was fine with the move out of the house. He missed this kids – not her.

· He told his wife they need to start moving forward with the divorce.

· His mood changed as the kids started school and he became distant with me.

· He came home from work and basically told me that he was going to go back home and give it a try to work it out with the wife. (This is only 2 weeks after he told her they needed to move forward with divorce and 1-1/2 weeks after his kids started school).

 

 

He says he wants to continue our friendship (w/o sex) and we have seen each other a few times since he moved back home. He says this is what he wants, but he won’t say if it’s to be with her or the kids or both. He has never told her that he lived with me during this time and I don’t think he will. He says that he went back home because it was the right thing to do to try to work it out with her. If it works, things could be better and if not, they will know it won’t work. She hardly speaks a word of the affair to him. In fact, she’s told him that she doesn’t want to talk about it. She wants to focus on the future. They are also not going through any type of counseling at all. From what he has told me of her, she tends to think that if you don’t talk about it, then things will be okay.

 

 

I still love him very much and he says he still loves me. I am just so hurt. I feel like the time with him has turned my life upside down and inside out. He left me without hesitating. I hurt my ex-husband and even though my marriage was bad – my ex never did anything to deserve the hurt I put on him with all of this. I rode a roller coaster of emotions with my OM/MM and now it’s over.

 

 

What was it all for? Why did he do this? Will their relationship work out if they are not talking about the affair? Especially without counseling?

 

 

I feel like I lost myself through all of this. I am not sure if shutting the door on my marriage was the right thing to do.

[Breathe]

The past is the past. You need to let go of the marriage you had with your husband as it is over now. You can't go back and change anything. You will find happiness again, but you need to look unto yourself for this and not to a man to provide it for you. Let the MM go and do as he choses. A door has opened for you to rediscover yourself. Take this opportunity to learn from your mistakes and make a better, happier future for yourself.

[TMCM]

If your marriage was so bad, why didn't you just end it long before your affair started? I ask you this question because many US [unfaithful spouses] have a tendency to rewrite the marital history in overabundant negative terms to feel that their affair was justified and in your last comment you stated 'I am not sure if shutting the door on my marriage was the right thing to do.' you seem to be questioning the wisdom of ending your so called 'bad marriage'?

 

What your OM [other man] has done comes as no surprise considering that it is a well known fact that most married OM seldom leave their BW [betrayed wife] for the OW [other woman]. Unfortunately you've learned this bitter lesson firsthand, didn't you? There is also a good chance that he will repeat this sad drama again with another unhappily married woman.

 

By giving him your heart and body without a committment already in place [marriage] he got to enjoy the benefits of having you without having any of the responsibilities that a loving man would have towards the woman he loves. Not a bad deal for him but definitely a raw deal for you.

[lainey]

To answer your question about my marriage and why it was so bad.

 

For nearly 10 years I lived in a loveless marriage. As time went on, the affection and respect for another only got worse. He would push me away, make horrible comments to me, told me "I love you" maybe 8 times in the last 10 years and refused sex when I initiated it. We hardly ever had sex. When we did, it was rare and didn't last long. He treated the dog better than me. I am no saint in this whole mess. I didn't communicate very well with him at all. I always felt fearful and that he would be judgemental of my opinions or needs. He has always been the controlling or dominate one in our relationship.

 

I wanted to leave years ago, but didn't feel strong enough or the timing was bad.

 

After he found out about the affair, he changed. He expressed all of his frustrations with our marriage. He told me that he truly loves me and that things could work out. He wanted to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. He became a loving person towards me. Even now, he has not let go of us and wants me to give it another try.

 

I didn't look back because of the OM/MM and the fact that my now ex did a 180 in his attitude with me scared the heck out of me. How can someone change so quickly?

 

As far as the OM/MM, I thought he was different from the others. He was making the committment to a future together. He did leave his wife. I guess the reality of not being with his kids and breaking up the family unit got the better of him and he went back. If he truly loves his wife, why would he want to talk with me or want to spend time with me?

[jmargel]

This is yet another case where a MM or OW relationship failed. Read tye OW/OM forum on here, not one has worked out successfully. This guy wants sex from both of you. He has the best of both worlds.

 

This guy can't be trusted, even if he left his wife for you, how long would it take to find another chick? Probably not long.

 

You lost yourself through this, because you were depending on him to make you happy, to fuilfill something you are missing. How can that be fulfilled by someone who's married and has a relationship with someone else? It can't.

 

You need to date, single, available guys.

[Sucidesurvior]

lainey - your pain is palpable from your post. Unfortunately, it is usually the case that the MM doesn't leave his wife for his mistress. I know this will be hard but you need to take off your rose tinted glasses at this point and see your MM for what he really is. A lying, cheating person who never had your best interests in his heart. He had the best of both worlds and lived his life as a cakeman. He had his cake and ate it too. Very seldom does anything come of a relationship based on lying and cheating and, if he could do it with you, he can do it to you. I hope that you will be strong enough to cut ties with this man and go ahead in life and find an unattached person to build a future with. Your MM obvioulsy found out what most of them do .. the grass isn't always greener on the other side when the fantasy of an illicit relationship wears off. I am sorry you are hurting. Imagine, if you can, what his wife has gone through. Maybe her avoidance of the issue is because it is just too painful to contemplate. I wish you much strength to do the right thing in the future.

[hurtinheart]

first the married man rarley leaves his wife!!!! there are 2 sides the MM is gonna tell u what u want to hear!!!! people who want to have affairs need to think about the other spouse in the marriage!!!!! they get hurt for selfish reason!!!! I did!!!!! I feel you(everyone) needs to get out of their marriage befor they decide to sleep around cause the pain we go through is not a walk in the park!!!!

[lainey]

hurtinheart, I completely agree that people should leave the marriage instead of cheating on their spouse and breaking the vows of marriage. I made a huge mistake. Looking back, I did love my MM very much and found the time together an escape from reality. My xH and I had huge communication problems.

 

 

I sometimes wonder how she does feel about him and the pain she has gone through. Even now, she has taken him back and he still wants to keep contact with me. He knows that if she found out she would be hurt. He has not told her the truth about where he lived while he was out of the house. I don't know if I want to stay tangled up in the web of deception any longer. Especially if I decide to make an attempt at a reconciliation with my xH - I don't want to cause him any further pain.

 

 

I have learned a huge lesson at the expense of hurting others and even to myself.

 

 

Even though I know that I need to move on with my life...crazy thing is that I still love my MM.

[hurtinheart]

i understand ur torn but like i said the wife hurts and most the time thinks everything is ok!!!!another thing is if he strays to be with you is there others that would be my worry!!!!if u are gonna try with ur xh plz give it 100% you need to be true to yourself as well!!!!!if it's the mm make him be honest to his wife as well!!cause if he can't his promises mean nothing!!!! Just emty words!!!!

[YellowLioness]

yes, don't ask about the personal details of it, just suffice it to say I've met the woman, and liked her.

 

Anyway, my dad is a baby boomer, and was going through this crisis this year where he wanted to be young again, he was sick of my step mom (I didn't blame him for that), and so he had an affair.

 

He really does (did) love this woman, but he eventually, out of guilt and obligation, returned to his wife and child.

 

He still thinks about his mistress, but he'll never go back to her. He finally figured out that an OW wasn't what he wanted, and that an affair wouldn't make his problems go away.

 

What I would have told her if I could have is what I'll tell you now: cut your losses, and move on.

 

Do not speak to him, because he will not care. He got what he wanted, and now he's coming back home.

 

You were a fad to him.

 

Perhaps you should seek therapy if you feel like it's bordering on obsession.

[only1life]

I'm know the place of your husband - My wife cheated on me. I have to throw my ideas in here, it's worth a look.

 

We have been working it out, and have been quite successful so far. When I found out about my wife's affair, I was very hurt (still am) but I really loved her. We had drifted a little apart, after 25 years of marriage, but that was still no excuse for her doing what she did. But now, she has asked me to forgive her, which I can do, since I am not perfect either, and I really do love her.

 

If your husband wants to give it a try, please consider it. Believe me, it will never be the same as before. There will always be the pain of what happened (I still feel sick when I think about it too much) but if you guys love each other, it can work out.

 

First thing is to forget about your lover. This WILL be very difficult! But until you do, you will be miserable! You have to completely sever that connection. Then start to rekindle your relationship with your husband. Sounds like he may really love you, if he's willing to give it a chance. Believe me, it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. You'll both have to be forgiving, because there will be some things said that will hurt, but that's necessary in order to rebuild a worthwhile relationship.

 

Forgiveness and communication - with no reserves on either - and in a little while (maybe more) your life might start to make sense again.

 

In the meantime, go out on a date with hubby - act like kids again - do a little neckin' - try to enjoy what you have, you might be real lucky to have each other!

 

Good luck!

[lainey]

Actually, I have sought out therapy and have been going for about 2 months. Slowly my eyes have opened up to the situation I have put myself in and the pain I have caused.

 

 

Through all of this my xH has been there wanting another chance. I think through the divorce neither one of us wanted to let each other go completely. I have spoken with him and we are giving it another try and will start couples therapy soon. Taking our time and not rushing into it quickly. I am not moving back home until we seem some change in our behavior and communication with one another.

 

 

As far as the MM. He has continued to call. Even though he wants to be friends, it is too hard for me. For one thing, its not fair to my xh or his w. For another, I don't want to give him the satisfaction nor make our separation any easier for him. I am getting over my feelings for him and the fact that I was basically used by him. It is hard, but I am letting go.

[TMCM]

If you are considering going back to your XH, you MUST first talk with him in a calm, quiet and respectful way. Lay out your fears about living with him again [his resentment towards you, throwing the affair in your face, and going back to his same old habits]. Let him know that the OM fed you your most important emotional needs after being starved for so many years by him, and that made you fall in love with the OM. He needs this information because whether you and him ever get back together, it will be something that will serve him well in a future relationship with you or another woman. While you are solely responsible for chosing to have an affair, both of you are equally responsible for the bad state of your defunct marriage. Good luck.

[only1life]

Lainey,

 

I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your marriage rebuilding. It won't be easy for either of you, but in my case it has been worth it. You both have to put 100% into it, and that includes your total termination of any connection with the lover. Both of you will benefit, you will have secure closure, and your husband will get the point that you're serious about him now. Consider writing a letter, then letting your husband read it, and then sending it to your lover. Detail about how it is over, and you need him to never contact you again, never. Include a few things to make your husband feel better, like how you're giving your full attention to him now, etc.

 

Next thing is that you need to begin to express your feelings to your husband. The things that made you two grow apart must be explored. This will begin to work both ways soon, and hopefully, you two will feel closer as a result. If not, then your really need to get help in communication, because that's the key to rebuilding.

 

Hopefully he will try and understand how you are feeling also. It won't be easy, but he will have to understand that you had real feelings of love for your lover, and this will be hard for you to get over. This will make it even harder for him also, because he will likely be hurt by multiple things - your actions with the lover, your lies and the fact that you loved someone else more than him, at least for some time. Like TMCM says above, this will not easy, but must be done calmly and rationally. In my case, I think we both cried a few barrels of tears that first 48 hours or so. But if there really is love there, then understanding, forgiveness and sharing will follow.

 

I highly suggest you also read the book "After the Affair" by an author named Spring. It's an easy read, and the first chapter alone will help you understand how your husband feels. (You might be surprised, but this author described exactly the way I felt!) The second chapter will help you make sense of your feelings, and the rest of the book deals with the decision and repair process. Best book I have read so far, and believe me, I've been reading a lot trying to understand what happened. I don't ever want to go through this again!

 

And, good luck. You are not alone. We're here to help.

 

Take care.

[lainey]

Well, I thought I would post an update.....

 

For the past 4 1/2 months I have been working rebuilding a relationship with my ex-husband. Some may wonder why...you're divorced...move on. My head was so messed up from the affair that I could not make a rational decision. I ended up divorced because of what I did and how I dealt with it.

 

I look back at my original post and I am disgusted with myself. I put so much energy into the affair and deceiving my husband that I lost myself. I didn't see clearly what was happening. It has taken me quite some time to get over the OM and all of the things I did while I was with him.

 

My ex-H and I go to counseling every week and have been doing so since October. We have had our rough spots and he still hurts over the affair. I am doing my best to show him I am 100% committed to him.

 

We have spent more time talking with each other and doing things together than we ever have before. I see my ex-H in a whole new light. My love for him grows deeper every day.

 

I am thankful that he wants to move on from the affair. We have many other issues to work on, but both of us are putting the work into repairing our relationship.

 

I do know that I will never let myself get into a situation where I put someone else before my spouse.

 

Thanks to those who have replied to my post.

[aloneinTX]

Certainly hope things work out with your Ex. Wish others could see into the crystal ball and see before so many get hurt. My H had an A and last week they ended it, so I know he is hurting.