I'm feeling so incredibly lonely lately

[Stellar]

I have many friends, and I'm a very social person, yet I feel so alone. Part of me would love to find someone special and get involved in a relationship, yet part of me doesn't want that. I've already met someone I think is wonderful, but I don't think it will go anywhere because he's not ready for another relationship. Just knowing that has only added to my lonliness.

 

I've been single for 4 years now. I'm 28 and I don't have any problem attracting guys, just decent ones. It also doesn't help being the only single girl amongst all my friends. I'm finding this very difficult because I don't get the opportunity to get out there and meet people like I used to. I'm confident in who I am as a person. I'm honest, faithful, intelligent, witty, have a big heart...I know this sounds conceited, but after some very bad experiences in the past, I can finally see who I am and I'm proud of my qualities.

 

I feel like I've hit a wall and I just don't know what to do. The way I'm feeling lately has even reduced me to tears, and I'm usually a very positive, vibrant person.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, do you have any special words of wisdom to help me get through this?

 

Many thanks

[ps123]

Weird, I responded to your response in my other post, and we're also in the same boat with this situation as well. I'm 34 and am good looking, smart, nice, funny, physically in good shape, and have lots of things going for me. I've never been married and have no kids. I also have lots of friends, but I still feel lonely a lot of the time. I live alone which doesn't help. Like you, most of my friends are married and have kids which also seems to amplify some of the lonely feelings, especially when Ill hang out at one of their houses with the kids and everything and then have to go back to my big empty house at night. There's times I almost feel kind of sick when I'm putting the key in the lock in my front door.

 

I've also had some bad relationships in the past. I had one 3 year relationship when I was younger and have had crappy luck ever since. I also don't have problems attracting women, but I keep ending up in disfunctional relationships with women who tend to have a lot of problems and issues. Don't get me wrong, I know we all have issues, but the women I've dated have had some pretty serious ones that many of them weren't dealing with.

Even though I'm attractive, etc., I've had some pretty major self esteem problems in the past which has probably led to a lot of these bad relationships. I've been in therapy for about 3 or 4 years now and have really dealt with some things from my past (family issues, etc) and am starting to really be happy with who I am, and to see myself as others do, but I'm still far from being where I want to be. My friends were pretty shocked to hear that I've had self esteem problems since I do seem to have a lot going for me.

 

Also like you, I met a woman (well, you met a man I guess ) I really like a lot two months ago, but I'm starting to realize that I have stronger feelings for her than she does for me, and like you this definitely makes me feel even more lonely than I was before. I'm aware of the lonely feelings and have been sure to keep asking myself if I'm trying to be with this woman because I'm lonely or because I really like her. I'm realizing that I really do like her a lot, but the loneliness does add to the situation, and if I was more sure of things, I might not be putting up with some of the things I have been.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you about how to deal with this, because I'm having a hard time myself. Being in therapy helps, but it doesn't fix everything, and yes, there are times some of this has brought me to tears as well (which is rare for me). Have you considered getting into individual or group therapy? Do you think you might have problems with depression? If so, you might want to consider talking to a psychiatrist and getting on meds for a while. I don't think meds are the answer for everything, but sometimes people get into slumps they cant get out of and need some help to get their brain chemistry working right again. I would also suggest to keep busy and talk on the phone and meet up with friends as much as possible. Its hard for me to want to get out of the house sometimes, but once I'm out, I usually feel a lot better. I also workout a lot which helps improve my mood and gets me around a lot of people at the gym.

 

One other thing, I went through a phase where I felt funny being 34 and the only single one of my friends until someone pointed out to me that a lot of people have already been married and divorced at my age so I'm lucky to have never had to deal with that so I shouldn't feel bad or weird for being where I'm at.

 

Id definitely like to hear if you have any suggestions or things you do to keep your mind off things or things to do to say more positive. Let me know what your thoughts are, P.

[tiger_nip]

thats strange. I feel more lonely when Im in a relationship and the ball and chain keeps me away from my friends. haha

[Stellar]

Originally posted by ps123 Weird, I responded to your response in my other post, and we're also in the same boat with this situation as well. I'm 34 and am good looking, smart, nice, funny, physically in good shape, and have lots of things going for me. I've never been married and have no kids. I also have lots of friends, but I still feel lonely a lot of the time. I live alone which doesn't help. Like you, most of my friends are married and have kids which also seems to amplify some of the lonely feelings, especially when Ill hang out at one of their houses with the kids and everything and then have to go back to my big empty house at night. There's times I almost feel kind of sick when I'm putting the key in the lock in my front door.

Absolutely. I think we're both lucky though that neither of us have ever been married or had children. I must admit that I'm reaching a point where being around my friends who are happily involved / married / have kids, is making me feel like I'm on the outside looking in. The funny thing is, marriage and babies is definitely not on the cards yet. Sure, hopefully oneday, but there's a lot of 'getting to know someone' to do inbetween here and then.

 

Originally posted by ps123 I've also had some bad relationships in the past. I had one 3 year relationship when I was younger and have had crappy luck ever since. I also don't have problems attracting women, but I keep ending up in disfunctional relationships with women who tend to have a lot of problems and issues. Don't get me wrong, I know we all have issues, but the women I've dated have had some pretty serious ones that many of them weren't dealing with.

Uh-huh....jealousy, alcohol, insecurity, emotional abuse, infidelity (all on the their part) were factors that broke up the relationships (talk about doing me a favour!). I think having been in such dysfunctional relationships is what's kept me single for so long. I had a lot of things to deal with after being with men who had such issues I needed time out. Like you (and most people), I still have issues, but their not detrimental to relationships.

 

Originally posted by ps123 Even though I'm attractive, etc., I've had some pretty major self esteem problems in the past which has probably led to a lot of these bad relationships. I've been in therapy for about 3 or 4 years now and have really dealt with some things from my past (family issues, etc) and am starting to really be happy with who I am, and to see myself as others do, but I'm still far from being where I want to be. My friends were pretty shocked to hear that I've had self esteem problems since I do seem to have a lot going for me.

It's almost like a rite of passage during your 20's that you have to face some (sometimes serious) self-esteem issues caused by problematic relationships. About 5 years ago now, I left a relationship with my self-esteem in tatters because I let someone cut me down until there was nothing left but an empty shell. I've always known that I'm a good person and I'd never treat someone in a way that I wouldn't want to be treated myself. But I lost sight of that and many of my other virtues, which, thankfully, I'm in touch with now. Sure, I still have issues (who doesn't) but I'm not high-maintenance chick- I never have been. I'm glad that you're working on your issues. That's so vital to your wellbeing. You seem to have many good virtues and the fact that you're so attuned to yourself is a plus. That said, I don't know about you, but knowing that I have a lot going for me and a lot to offer, also doesn't help the lonliness.

 

Originally posted by ps123 I'm aware of the lonely feelings and have been sure to keep asking myself if I'm trying to be with this woman because I'm lonely or because I really like her. I'm realizing that I really do like her a lot, but the loneliness does add to the situation, and if I was more sure of things, I might not be putting up with some of the things I have been.

The same questions have crossed my mind too - am I falling for him because I'm feeling lonely or because he's a wonderful person and we really gel? I think in my lonliness, the more distant I feel he is (or perceive him to be) the more I want to latch on. I think that would partly explain why I'm so sh*t scared of telling him how I feel. He's wonderful, and even though he's not ready for a relationship, the thought of him being 'the one that got away' depresses me. It depresses me because I haven't met anyone like him in 4 years....4 YEARS!! And part of me thinks maybe I should hang on, just in case (although that could go awry too). Uggh.....!! I hate this. I wish life came with guarantees!

 

I'm really feeling there's a void in my life right now, but I am not, nor ever have been, prepared to fill it with someone, who would be nothing more than just a band-aid. I wouldn't do that to myself or anyone else.

 

Originally posted by ps123 One other thing, I went through a phase where I felt funny being 34 and the only single one of my friends until someone pointed out to me that a lot of people have already been married and divorced at my age so I'm lucky to have never had to deal with that so I shouldn't feel bad or weird for being where I'm at.

Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. I also believe that all the cr*p we've ever been through, will oneday bring us to a place where we are extremely content with someone. I also believe that oneday I will probably have a much happier relationship than some of my friends because I've taken the years of the tough 20's/early 30's to learn to grow and understand relationships and truly realise what I want.

 

Only problem is, how long do I have to bloody wait? How much longer do I have to spend feeling lonely? I'm selective with who I date. I won't just date any Tom, Dick or Harry...been there, done that, it's bullsh*t and unfair on both parties.

 

Originally posted by ps123 Id definitely like to hear if you have any suggestions or things you do to keep your mind off things or things to do to say more positive. Let me know what your thoughts are, P.

I wish I had some magic suggestions, but unfortunately I don't. I've been incredibly restless of late, but I've been pretty consistent with the following:

 

* Exercising helps to elevate my moods and make me feel good about myself;

 

* I like to socialise (with all my non-single friends! :-)), but as I mentioned, that often makes me feel lonely, especially because a lot of events are held at their houses and not out on the town where I could meet new people (trust me - I've already exhausted the 'friends of friends' opportunities). How incongruous - I crave company, yet I feel alone amongst my friends. Like you, I walk in that door at night and I often feel like sh*t ;

 

* Sometimes, even though I'm feeling very lonely, I need time out on my own to just go with my feelings and have a good cry if I need to;

 

* Self-help books and message boards like this can make me feel more positive;

 

* I'm trying to get 8 hours sleep a night, because lack of sleep has such a negative effect on my emotions.

 

It's so hard, isn't it? Sometimes I almost feel trapped being single. I've enjoyed many years as a singleton, but I'm not enjoying it anymore. I really do believe that being in a good relationship right now would give me so much emotional freedom. I would honestly feel very content and prepared for it - warts and all.

 

I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I know that compared to some of the awful things that are happening to people in this world, it probably sounds trivial, but in my world it's so ever-present and having more of an impact on me as time goes by. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way too, but I must admit that I do feel some sense of comfort knowing that someone out there really understands where I'm coming from (that sounds so Schadenfreude, but I promise it's not). I really hope things look up for you soon and if you have any magic suggestions, please share!

[Stellar]

Originally posted by tiger_nip

thats strange. I feel more lonely when Im in a relationship and the ball and chain keeps me away from my friends. haha

Ah, you see, I'm the opposite. I love to have time to myself, especially when I'm in a relationship. I think it's healthy and I do like to take time out to miss them.

 

Not to mention, I wouldn't want to be known as some guy's handbrake!

[ps123]

Well, I tried to bring it up a bit tonight...didnt go too well. Shes still being a little evasive. Again...another very weird coincidence but like you posted in the other area, mine has a big issue shes dealing with too. Unfortunately, she wont tell me exactly what it is, and what I do know, Id rather not bring up here. I told her Im pretty confused and told her I hope she knows she can trust me. She said yes, but Im still not talking to you about it yet. I really dont like the way things were left when she drove away. Now Im even more confused. I almost called her to just say I didnt like the way we left things, but decided to think on it for tonight. I can always call tomorrow if I want to. Grr....this is just way to stressful. She just doesnt trust me yet, or maybe shes afraid Im going to leave on her if she tells me. I just dont know anything anymore, but its getting to the point I cant deal with it. Im also getting to the point that I realize that I don't deserve some of whats been happening and maybe this just isnt going to work.

I think I'll let her call me so now I get to play the waiting game again.

 

I'll can give you more details about what shes dealing with if you send me a private message Stellar. I just dont want to bring it up here. Hope things are going better for you.

[Stellar]

Just registered...should be able to pm soon

[tiger_nip]

Originally posted by Stellar

Ah, you see, I'm the opposite. I love to have time to myself, especially when I'm in a relationship. I think it's healthy and I do like to take time out to miss them.

 

Not to mention, I wouldn't want to be known as some guy's handbrake!

 

There needs to be more girls like you.

[ps123]

Well, this is quickly going from bad to worse. Some things happened in the last few days that Im realizing were really manipulative on her part. She then blew off another phone call yesterday. Anyway, Im pretty much to the end of my rope. Im to the point now, Im looking at all the things going on and am really starting to get really angry... both at her and myself. I dont deserve this crap

Im going to sit down and bring up everything Im seeing and go from there. Im guessing it will be the end of things, but theres not much point in continuing with things the way they are. Im not so concerned about whatever this big secret is, but Im more concerned with the fact that shes keeping secrets from me. Not good since we're only 2 months into this.

This definitely isnt supposed to be this hard. Id like to be supportive and understanding about whatever shes got going on, but of course its not exactly easy when she wont even tell me what it is.

I also need to start asking myself whats going on with me that would cause me to put up with a lot of this. I do really like her, but theres a lot more to it than that. Most guys wouldve bailed after a month of this.

[ps123]

One other thing Stellar, not sure why we cant PM either. If you have Yahoo messenger, feel free to IM me. My username is rez1970.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, check your settings in edit options...Or in your profile...Anyways, There should be something there to enable PM on the site. Or if you haven't registered yet that could be a factor...

[re3rocks]

just do what my dad says to me

 

weak ppl cry, strong ppl work out.

 

work out, do ur thing, hang out wit ur friends ull meet some1 bad ass

[ice_solid_2k4]

well u ain't the only one...i'm still lookin for my first gf...i'm really losing hope...