chaser0195 Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Question for any of the OM/OW that ended the affair. How did your MAP handle it? Did they accept and walk away gracefully or did they fight get you to change your mind? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 He was shocked. We were in a really good place and I was happier with him than I'd ever been but I started to want more. When he said no I walked away. I'll never forget the look on his face. He sent a few texts and emails of shock and dismay but those stopped for a while when I told him I wasn't interested in how he was feeling or what he was going through. If you're Ded then we have something to talk about. He always sent flowers on my birthday and Valentine's day though. They went unanswered. Through the years we weren't together he sent a few emails a year but I never responded and some I didn't even open til we were back together after his D. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chaser0195 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 He was shocked. We were in a really good place and I was happier with him than I'd ever been but I started to want more. When he said no I walked away. I'll never forget the look on his face. He sent a few texts and emails of shock and dismay but those stopped for a while when I told him I wasn't interested in how he was feeling or what he was going through. If you're Ded then we have something to talk about. He always sent flowers on my birthday and Valentine's day though. They went unanswered. Through the years we weren't together he sent a few emails a year but I never responded and some I didn't even open til we were back together after his D. What made you give him another chance after his D? I, personally, would have a hard time wanting more after he said no to my request for more in the beginning. Not being snarky, just curious. And who sought out whom after his D? Link to post Share on other sites
NPP10 Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 Mine was very shocked. I don't think he thought I was serious with NC. If he had it his way, he'd continue it but go underground. I think that is what probably hurt him the most. He contacted me after a few months to be "friends". I have no problem being friends with him, but I can't continue with the A. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 What made you give him another chance after his D? I, personally, would have a hard time wanting more after he said no to my request for more in the beginning. Not being snarky, just curious. And who sought out whom after his D? No problem and you aren't coming across as Snarky at all. He told me from the start he wasn't leaving home. There was an amount of not wanting to give up the real for the dream and there was an amount in the form of a child with an illness. Excuses or reasons? He thought they were reasons when we were in the A. Now that he's out he knows they were excuses. He never lied to me at any stage and through the ddays he never threw me under the bus. We were apart for almost 5 years when I noticed he'd been sending me more emails. I'd been putting them in a separate file unopened. One day I looked at the most recent one and said something about his D being final in a few months. I read backwards and he'd been moved out for 9 months and his D would be final in 2. I knew some of his siblings and his mother so I called and got confirmation of some of the more pressing questions. I waited a long time before I responded to him and I almost didn't. I got great advice in here and I didn't meet him til after the D was final. We went to therapy together and I went to IC too. He'd been doing IC since he filed for D. We're still working things out but we're in a pretty good place right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'm not the one who ended it, but when xmw did, I made my feelings known, but when she called me a few choice names and told me to never contact her again, I did just that. Why on earth would I fight for someone who told me to not contact them ever again? Add to the confusion by her contacting me many months later and me reacting coldly ...... Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 I'm a MOW and my xMOM just ended it via email a little over a week ago. I did not reply or contact him, nor do I plan to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 (edited) The idea of a AP fighting for the A is ridiculous. It's an A, if you want to fight for something it should be at least an open relationship. His initial reaction was to increase the bs he tried to sell me. That kept me there for several months( and that was the worst of it all), and when he conceded he was going to stay with what her and him have and that in fact he never really wanted to be with me, he fought a little bit to have me back with minimum effort. Yeah, that was quite a fight. I'm sorry, but it makes me laugh. For some stupid reason, he thought that offering me absolutely nothing combined with telling me about his commitment( or alleged commitment) to the woman of his life will make me go back oh so happily. At that time I got fed up and threatend telling his wife so he's leave me alone. I had told him I was done with the A, and he was behaving as if I had been bluffing and it was just a question of time until I would go back. You know, let the irrational woman calm down... His fighting self disappeared abruptly when his new found happiness at home was threatened. In hindsight, that makes me laugh too. Such great love. He sent me a stupid wordless email for my birthday, and as I have no desire to talk to the woman of his life and let her know if his activities, I closed that account and hope for the best that he's gone. Their reaction to ending the A is very much in line with the "poor me", self-focused mentality they've probably exhibited all throughout the A. They're upset to lose the favorite toy, and will play nice or ugly as they deem necessary to get what they want. ExMM actually wrapped up wanting the A back into him offering his emotional support and being there for me because my soul was so important to him. So it was all in fact for my benefit, because without him I'd probably ...who knows what? I dont't hink he realized until this day that he was saying this bs after being the author of the single most devastating experience I have had as an adult. In conclusion, it's fair to expect a self driven, clueless and not oriented to the other AP's feelings reaction. Edited May 13, 2013 by cutedragon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 For some stupid reason, he thought that offering me absolutely nothing combined with telling me about his commitment( or alleged commitment) to the woman of his life will make me go back oh so happily. Oh wow but this line has really got me thinking. I rather suspect I have been really really stupid. Thank you for posting this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted May 13, 2013 Share Posted May 13, 2013 He was shocked. We were in a really good place and I was happier with him than I'd ever been but I started to want more. When he said no I walked away. I'll never forget the look on his face. He sent a few texts and emails of shock and dismay but those stopped for a while when I told him I wasn't interested in how he was feeling or what he was going through. If you're Ded then we have something to talk about. He always sent flowers on my birthday and Valentine's day though. They went unanswered. Through the years we weren't together he sent a few emails a year but I never responded and some I didn't even open til we were back together after his D. To me this is the best reaction when an OW wants more. It will end the A that is hurting her, and may even result in the MM "coming to his senses" about his own relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 To me this is the best reaction when an OW wants more. It will end the A that is hurting her, and may even result in the MM "coming to his senses" about his own relationships. I have to say it was all about me and nothing to do with him SL. I realized I need to protect myself because I was letting him be more important to me than I was. So I rectified the situation the only way that made sense. It wasn't easy but I walked away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sybo24 Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 I have to say it was all about me and nothing to do with him SL. I realized I need to protect myself because I was letting him be more important to me than I was. So I rectified the situation the only way that made sense. It wasn't easy but I walked away. Well done you, I have such admiration for your strength. Good luck with everything xx Link to post Share on other sites
GettingOver Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 I have to say it was all about me and nothing to do with him SL. I realized I need to protect myself because I was letting him be more important to me than I was. So I rectified the situation the only way that made sense. It wasn't easy but I walked away. I admire you and your self love and respect! Link to post Share on other sites
Author chaser0195 Posted May 14, 2013 Author Share Posted May 14, 2013 He was shocked. We were in a really good place and I was happier with him than I'd ever been but I started to want more. When he said no I walked away. I'll never forget the look on his face. He sent a few texts and emails of shock and dismay but those stopped for a while when I told him I wasn't interested in how he was feeling or what he was going through. If you're Ded then we have something to talk about. He always sent flowers on my birthday and Valentine's day though. They went unanswered. Through the years we weren't together he sent a few emails a year but I never responded and some I didn't even open til we were back together after his D. Did you still carry feelings for him during the years after you broke up or were you indifferent to him until he came back into your life after his D? Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Well done you, I have such admiration for your strength. Good luck with everything xx Thanks S24. I appreciate that. I preach in here that everyone must keep their power in any R. I see some potential OW come in and you know they've already made up their mind to go into the A. I tell them to set their boundaries and make the MM agree to them. Then I tell them to stick to them no matter what. I get accused of encouraging people to have As and that is something I have never done. I fell in love with someone who was M and I made the decision to have an R with him when he made it clear he wanted to have one with me. I set my boundaries and he agreed. I loved him through the A and after. I never stopped. When I saw him last fall, for the first time in 5 years every feeling came rushing back and I actually felt weak at the knees. I didn't expect it and I have hope for the future but we're both working really hard at it. We're not leaving anything to chance. Sorry to ramble. Thank again. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 I admire you and your self love and respect! Thank you GO. It was painful and as tough about it as I sound now there were moments I wanted nothing more than to call him or email. I was worth more than that though and I knew I would be breaking my own boundaries if I contacted him. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 Did you still carry feelings for him during the years after you broke up or were you indifferent to him until he came back into your life after his D? Yes Chaser. I never stopped loving him. It settled and became a quiet love but I never lost the feelings for him. I still love my xH who cheated on me. It's not the intense love of our R and M but I love him. I'm not one who needs to feel indifference. I love with everything and once I feel it I don't see he sense of letting it go. I can learn things and I can have moments of hating someone but I always can settle things holding onto the full range of feelings, including love. Link to post Share on other sites
Wellington Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 I've "ended" mine several times. He keeps coming back. He told me flat out last time he would never give up on us. Said alot of very sweet, heart wrenching things actually. That was a few days ago after a month of NC. I was stupid to meet with him. I was doing so well? This time, Im done. I have had enough. I don't want a p/t lover. I don't want to be second and I don't want to forsake my self respect anymore. He told me he was leaving his wife. Guess what, he's still there.......shocking. The script is all the same...... Link to post Share on other sites
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