Start of NC

[aisuru]

I owe you a replacement bottle. Favourite brand?

 

HA! I was on Absolut tonight. Might have to pull out the generic drug store brand I reserve for the moochy neighbors when on this message board. OYE.

 

It's all good.

[TaraMaiden]

You want an exclusive FWB who worships the ground you walk on...

 

No, yes, you do.

[aisuru]

You want an exclusive FWB who worships the ground you walk on...

 

No, yes, you do.

 

Much more succinct than the rest of us.

 

Where are the men with the men's perspective on this?

[Leigh 87]

And I bet when you tell him about how much you're insisting on NC, you'll slip in the caveat of "but if you want me back, I'll talk to you." Boom. He's in, all he's got to do is slip that in the convo and it's on.

 

Trust me, I hate being right about this stuff. But I am. You'll see.

 

You're not ready for the commitment NC requires. It is No. Contact. Not "but in extenuating circumstances." It is the end of all contact. And if you're not ready for that, that's fine. NC is a big step and it's important to be ready for it. So if you're not ready, don't do it. But you're kinda mocking NC a bit by thinking yours and Andrew's love is some kind of exception. Sadly, it's not.

 

 

 

Oh your right, our love is not an exception.

 

I do realise that second chances RARELY happen. The genuine second chances that is - where both people remain deeply enough in love to be open to re visiting the relationship. The sort of love that does not die entirely, and is strong enough for the two parties to BOTH want to experience that love fully again.

 

That type of love is rare to begin with. In all likelihood, Andrew will be very sad yes, but he will move on after NC.

With him though, I was saying that I noticed how he hangs onto his feelings for other women, until he falls for another one.

Even with NC, I have a feeling a new girl he falls in love with, is what he needs to be 100% over me.

 

Second chances are a thing of fairy tales, really. It would be nice if it happened, but NC will enable me to be totally indifferent to it.

 

I am the first to admit that yes it would be nice if we had that sort of love. I am honest and I admit that we BOTH thought that we had such a BIG love, when we were together.

 

We are young ish and probably wrong though. There are different levels of love I suppose, and it is very unlikely that we experienced the greatest of loves, enough to want to re kindle things.

 

The only way to confirm this of course, is once we move on to better people for us, who we then think " wow now I am experiencing love on a slightly greater level than in my last relationship, because I know myself more now in order to have found a person who is better suited to me"

 

Although my friend who moved on after 15yrs with the guy, did say that" she did not love her next guy MORE, rather; it was totally different with each man she is in a serious R with.

 

Maybe even the deepest love is not worth re visiting once the relationship is broken. I do not know yet. I am still learning.

[Leigh 87]

BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT CASUAL SEX BUDDIES DO. NO MOVIES. NO CUDDLING ON THE COUCH TOGETHER.

 

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SEX. THE MORE ADVENTUROUS AND SEXUALLY EXPLORATIVE THE BETTER.

 

You do NOT need a casual sex relationship. It will not feel your void. It will make you feel used and worse about yourself.

 

I beg you... please don't do that to yourself right now. Balance out your emotions and feelings from the breakup. Figure your **** out.

 

You deserve that much self respect.

 

If you don't respect yourself, NO MAN WILL.

 

That's all.

 

 

 

I do respect myself. I think I am a great person, albeit I am not great in a long term relationship because I take my issues out on my partner.

 

I really like who I Am, and I would never allow people in my life who do not like and respect me. They can go and find people they do respect and talk to them...

 

I will know if it feels wrong, the casual sex.

[TaraMaiden]

And I note she hasn't addressed a single one of my posts.....

[Leigh 87]

aisuru is right. Leigh, watching movies and cuddling on the couch is DATING. Not casual sex.

 

Casual sex is a night out at a noisy pub with one too many vodkas and sore feet from your high heels and you drag the bloke who's been giving you 'pash rash' all night back to your place, have your way with him, and then say "Thanks for the orgasm, now you need to go, I have an early start tomorrow."

 

Maybe you exchange numbers, maybe you don't. No affection, no couch-cuddling, no watching The Notebook...

 

 

 

Ok ok, I get it. I needed to hear what casual sex is about, because obviously I have been in a long term R and I am a bit rusty..

 

The dude still has to like me on a basic level. Which should be easy, as most dudes I talk to like me as a PERSON at least, You know, they think I am fun loving, positive, and friendly. I make most of them laugh.

 

I am not sure that I am ready to be honest. I just want to be SOON, so I can get about enjoying sex again.

[Leigh 87]

And I note she hasn't addressed a single one of my posts.....

 

 

 

 

I was going to,

 

I do not need the guy to worship the ground I walk on; that is what a long term R is about.. finding a guy who adores you so much, even though your not perfect looking, and even though YOUR not perfect.

 

What I am looking for, is the occasional hook up session, every now and again. With a guy who thinks I am a cool, funny, and attractive women who he enjoys talking to.

 

That is all I need. I look forward to finding a guy in the distant future, who is crazy about me.

[aisuru]

And I note she hasn't addressed a single one of my posts.....

 

I got this.

[aisuru]

Ok ok, I get it. I needed to hear what casual sex is about, because obviously I have been in a long term R and I am a bit rusty..

 

The dude still has to like me on a basic level. Which should be easy, as most dudes I talk to like me as a PERSON at least, You know, they think I am fun loving, positive, and friendly. I make most of them laugh.

 

I am not sure that I am ready to be honest. I just want to be SOON, so I can get about enjoying sex again.

 

NO. CASUAL SEX IS ABOUT GETTING IN AND GETTING OUT. Or GETTING OFF.

 

Done.

 

It's not about liking you as a person. If they liked you as a person, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH YOU. They don't give a crap about getting to know you, or finding that you're loving, positive, friendly, make them laugh, or are crazy.

 

THEY JUST WANT THEIR JOLLIES. the end.

 

If that's what you want, good luck.

[Sheilalou008]

I do respect myself. I think I am a great person, albeit I am not great in a long term relationship because I take my issues out on my partner.

 

I really like who I Am, and I would never allow people in my life who do not like and respect me. They can go and find people they do respect and talk to them...

 

I will know if it feels wrong, the casual sex.

 

 

This is what I refer to as double talk. You say that you respect yourself, are a great person... IN THE SAME SENTENCE say that you take your issues out on your boyfriend. What is there to like or be proud about? That is annoying drama that no man wants to deal with.

[aisuru]

I am not even an acquaintance, friend, guy she is dating or a boyfriend and after only a week of reading her threads... I want to douse myself in gasoline and light myself on fire.

 

I feel sorry for Andrew and he is either a Saint or the dumbest man alive for putting up with this crap for as long as he did. He must have drank like a fish, pop xanax like candy, deaf or brain damaged.

 

I hope she didn't scar and ruin him for life. The guy is going to need to team of doctors to undo the damage that was done.

 

Anyway want to take up a collection for Andrew?

 

I'm willing to throw in several hundred.

 

I just DIED... time to bring out the drug store vodka.

 

 

I will throw in a thousand for Andrew. He dodged a cannon ball.

 

Somewhere... Andrew is talking about crazy.

[Sheilalou008]

I was going to,

 

I do not need the guy to worship the ground I walk on; that is what a long term R is about.. finding a guy who adores you so much, even though your not perfect looking, and even though YOUR not perfect.

 

What I am looking for, is the occasional hook up session, every now and again. With a guy who thinks I am a cool, funny, and attractive women who he enjoys talking to.

 

That is all I need. I look forward to finding a guy in the distant future, who is crazy about me.

 

What is the hang up about looks? Who the in heck cares about looks or if someone is perfect.? No one is perfect and beauty is totally subjective. What you may view as pretty or sexy, is not what I see.

 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...It is You're = You are

[Leigh 87]

"I would be happy with a guy who simply likes and respects me as a person."

 

Yet you're ready to take back a bloke who bangs hookers.

 

Awesome.

 

 

I do not think the fact he bangs hookers means he is a bad person. He is just a person who can totally separate himself from emotions and sex.

 

He saw them 3 times in almost 3 years. I have no doubt he would be able to have done it with any women, irrespective of how in love he is with them.

 

He was happy to stop, which I told him to do. It is not like he alluded to being unhappy about it. It was just an activity that I believe some men can do when their truly in love.

 

You will not change my opinion. I believe some men are just capable of being in love, and also having 100% meaningless sex with hookers.

 

I don't know what he appeal is of hookers though, I mean; even Andrew admitted that finding a girl who you have a connection with, talking to them, getting to know them and then falling for them makes for WAY better sex than that of a human sex toy, AKA: a hooker.

 

He started using hookers because frankly, he likes ex with hot women, and he did not want to spend the night scouting our a women who he was attracted to and also liked as a person. First of all, the pickings are rather slim around here in terms of finding a hot girl who is also really wonderful to talk to and be around, and who is also available for a one nigh stand.

 

He found it easier to just make the most of the night with his friends, and then pay for a hooker. He found it more honest than chatting up some chick he was not into.

 

I do not find him to be lacking character because he wanted meaningless sex.

 

Although most women would not accept a man doing this in a monogamous relationship. I won't anymore either, but I do not think he did it because he lacked love for me.

 

My intuition, gut feelings, and the way he treated me on a daily basis told me that it is just Andrew, it is who he is, and he will always accept a hooker if a girl lets him.

 

I guess he will have trouble finding a girl who allows hookers, since most women think that if a guy is fully in love, he will lose the ability to have sex with hookers.

[Sheilalou008]

I just DIED... time to bring out the drug store vodka.

 

 

I will throw in a thousand for Andrew. He dodged a cannon ball.

 

Somewhere... Andrew is talking about crazy.

 

I thought he would be pinning over her somewhere...the way she seems to know every deep part of his thoughts on his undying love for her.

 

I hate to be so crass, but wtf. I am a female and this is making me nuts!

[Leigh 87]

This is what I refer to as double talk. You say that you respect yourself, are a great person... IN THE SAME SENTENCE say that you take your issues out on your boyfriend. What is there to like or be proud about? That is annoying drama that no man wants to deal with.

 

 

I do not subscribe to black and white thinking. I was mean in the way I took my sh*t out on him, but on the whole I was an extremely loving and fun girlfriend to him.

 

I am not perfect obviously, but in general I am a very generous and kind women to everyone I come across.

 

Doing one bad thing does not mean it extends to everything I do in life.

 

I am a nice and generous person much more often than I take my sh*t out on people I am close to.

 

The nicest people can still have mental issues that cause them to do sh*tty things. It does not mean they are mean people with no self respect in general.

[TaraMaiden]

I was going to,

 

I do not need the guy to worship the ground I walk on; that is what a long term R is about.. finding a guy who adores you so much, even though your you're not perfect looking, and even though YOUR YOU'RE not perfect.

 

And I take it that you feel you would have to feel the same, yes?

if you're in a relationship, you should feel precisely the same way about him, right?

[Leigh 87]

I thought he would be pinning over her somewhere...the way she seems to know every deep part of his thoughts on his undying love for her.

 

I hate to be so crass, but wtf. I am a female and this is making me nuts!

 

 

 

 

I know how he felt about me. I was not just a girl he spent a lot of time with. I do have intuition, life experience, and intelligence about people and the way the act. I know how a guy acts on a daily basis when he is crazy about you.

 

Andrew is not the type of guy to bother with a long term relationship unless he adores a girl. He has always preferred being single until he found a girl he felt strongly enough about.

 

He has only been crazy about me and his ex. He was 24 when he met me, and had not had a relationship before me. He fell for his travel buddy, but her and I are the only girls he has ever been into.

 

Andrew and I were not looking for a relationship to fill a void, when we met, and we were both adamant that we would rather be single than get into a relationship than a person who we were not really... you know, crazy about.

 

I was a great girlfriend to him most of the time. Issues aside, we both did anything for each other when we needed help in any way.

 

 

 

 

 

He just turned 24 when we met.

[Sheilalou008]

I do not subscribe to black and white thinking. I was mean in the way I took my sh*t out on him, but on the whole I was an extremely loving and fun girlfriend to him.

 

I am not perfect obviously, but in general I am a very generous and kind women to everyone I come across.

 

Doing one bad thing does not mean it extends to everything I do in life.

 

I am a nice and generous person much more often than I take my sh*t out on people I am close to.

 

The nicest people can still have mental issues that cause them to do sh*tty things. It does not mean they are mean people with no self respect in general.

 

I understand...kinda. It is abusive to take your issues out on someone you love. I get we all have bad days and vent but oppressing your lack of self esteem onto others is a very different monster. In my mind, that is not healthy and I bet most of the healthcare field would agree with me.

 

Now argue that you have high self esteem...usually people with eating disorders have little to none.

 

You can be nice and generous and still be abusive.

[Leigh 87]

"I do not think the fact he bangs hookers means he is a bad person."

 

I don't believe I called him a bad person. But I think when it comes to finding a guy who likes and respects you, you can aim a little higher.

 

Honestly, my brief affair with a married bloke had more mutual respect than your 3 year relationship...

 

 

 

Well then Andrew is not capable of respecting ANY women, because my instinct and gut feeling, and the way he ACTED on a DAILY basis towards me, tells me that Andrew will ALWAYS have the ability to have meaningless sex with hookers NO MATTER HOW MUCH he is in love with a girl.

 

He is flawed then. He honestly did not think he disrespected me. He is either flawed or too stupid to realise what respect is.

[aisuru]

I do not think the fact he bangs hookers means he is a bad person. He is just a person who can totally separate himself from emotions and sex.

 

He saw them 3 times in almost 3 years. I have no doubt he would be able to have done it with any women, irrespective of how in love he is with them.

 

He was happy to stop, which I told him to do. It is not like he alluded to being unhappy about it. It was just an activity that I believe some men can do when their truly in love.

 

You will not change my opinion. I believe some men are just capable of being in love, and also having 100% meaningless sex with hookers.

 

I don't know what he appeal is of hookers though, I mean; even Andrew admitted that finding a girl who you have a connection with, talking to them, getting to know them and then falling for them makes for WAY better sex than that of a human sex toy, AKA: a hooker.

 

He started using hookers because frankly, he likes ex with hot women, and he did not want to spend the night scouting our a women who he was attracted to and also liked as a person. First of all, the pickings are rather slim around here in terms of finding a hot girl who is also really wonderful to talk to and be around, and who is also available for a one nigh stand.

 

He found it easier to just make the most of the night with his friends, and then pay for a hooker. He found it more honest than chatting up some chick he was not into.

 

I do not find him to be lacking character because he wanted meaningless sex.

 

Although most women would not accept a man doing this in a monogamous relationship. I won't anymore either, but I do not think he did it because he lacked love for me.

 

My intuition, gut feelings, and the way he treated me on a daily basis told me that it is just Andrew, it is who he is, and he will always accept a hooker if a girl lets him.

 

I guess he will have trouble finding a girl who allows hookers, since most women think that if a guy is fully in love, he will lose the ability to have sex with hookers.

 

This is quite possibly the saddest thing I have ever read in my life.

 

Leigh, in all honesty, if your best girl friend or sister wrote the exact words, what would your advice be to her?

[Sheilalou008]

I know how he felt about me. I was not just a girl he spent a lot of time with. I do have intuition, life experience, and intelligence about people and the way the act. I know how a guy acts on a daily basis when he is crazy about you.

 

Andrew is not the type of guy to bother with a long term relationship unless he adores a girl. He has always preferred being single until he found a girl he felt strongly enough about.

 

He has only been crazy about me and his ex. He was 24 when he met me, and had not had a relationship before me. He fell for his travel buddy, but her and I are the only girls he has ever been into.

 

Andrew and I were not looking for a relationship to fill a void, when we met, and we were both adamant that we would rather be single than get into a relationship than a person who we were not really... you know, crazy about.

 

I was a great girlfriend to him most of the time. Issues aside, we both did anything for each other when we needed help in any way.

 

 

 

 

 

He just turned 24 when we met.

 

I have intuition, too. My radar is pinging at a deafening rate at the moment.

 

Most people need to adore someone to have a LTR with. I can't hate someone and date them. That is just simple logic.

[Leigh 87]

I understand...kinda. It is abusive to take your issues out on someone you love. I get we all have bad days and vent but oppressing your lack of self esteem onto others is a very different monster. In my mind, that is not healthy and I bet most of the healthcare field would agree with me.

 

Now argue that you have high self esteem...usually people with eating disorders have little to none.

 

You can be nice and generous and still be abusive.

 

 

 

I did not yell at him; it was more me going " GRRRR ugh ***it, this SUCKS ugh" not at him though.

 

I was not an abusive btch for the most part. I took my anger out on him occasionally, but I was nice and pleasant and very giving to him MOST of the time; I was nice FARMORE than I was abusive.

 

It is never okay to be abusive though, which is what a therapist will help me work on over the coming months.

 

Being bad sometimes does not mean I am MOSTLY bad though. Seeing as I am very nice 90^% of the time, and took sht out on him maybe 5 % of the time.

[TaraMaiden]

And I take it that you feel you would have to feel the same, yes?

if you're in a relationship, you should feel precisely the same way about him, right?

 

Answer my phukking question, dammit!!

[Sheilalou008]

You are free to join me...

 

I have some leftover gasoline and plenty of matches.

 

It is maddening. I am just totally blown away by all of this. It is entertaining though.

 

Love the camel toe name. Makes me giggle every single time I see it. Plus, you come off as someone who know their shyt. Hello, attractive!