Playing Poker and Playing me for a Fool.....

[EC]

OK new problem...

 

 

The thing is it is very much he said she said type of thing which I hate but since i have an LDR it's hard to not listen....

 

 

A couple days ago my bf said he was going to visit me this upcoming weekend..

 

Well lately he has been going over to a friends apartment to play poker..

I didnt think anything of it..He calls me two days ago and tells me he might not be able to come because they towed his car and he had to pay a certain amount of money.

 

Ok I thought..I told him Ill pay his way he can pay me back i just wanted to see him...

 

Then he tells me he wont have money at all that weekend to eat or anything so i would have to pay for his food, when we go out, ect. for the three days he'll be there...

 

Fine w/e I love him I just want to see him it's ok...But I heard from a friend that he lost that money in a bet playing poker...

 

Now I'm nice and considerate but don't mistake my friendliness for weakness bf or not....

 

 

There's so many things I dont like about this the fact that hes playing poker and losing money that he doesnt have and that can get addicting..and the fact that hes lying about it...and trying to play me for a fool...

 

 

I dont know if what my "friend" is saying is true so Im confused and don't want to offend him by asking him about it....But I feel like hes taking advantage....

 

I dont know what to do?

[tiki]

There's definitely a correlation, EC. Have you confronted your bf about this? Is this friendly guys playing poker or what? It sounds much more serious. The bottom line is that he's got to stop, it's an addiction, he could lose everything.

[EC]

Yeah I'm worried I've never had a problem like this before.

 

I dont know how to bring it up. I don't want to sound as if i'm trying to control his life and what he does and doesn't do..but I don't think i can be with a person that gambles..

 

I know hes in college and bored and all his friends are playing and betting..but not if he's going to lose the money he has to come see me..and then lie about it...

 

Am I being selfish? I don't know he could just be playing friendly poker and I dont know how he lost the money for sure he said his car was towed...?

 

I need help on how to bring it up or get him to confess it himself to me...

 

How can I get him to tell me himself without letting him know I know..?

[Merin]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

Yeah I'm worried I've never had a problem like this before.

 

I dont know how to bring it up. I don't want to sound as if i'm trying to control his life and what he does and doesn't do..but I don't think i can be with a person that gambles..

 

I know hes in college and bored and all his friends are playing and betting..but not if he's going to lose the money he has to come see me..and then lie about it...

 

Am I being selfish? I don't know he could just be playing friendly poker and I dont know how he lost the money for sure he said his car was towed...?

 

I need help on how to bring it up or get him to confess it himself to me...

 

How can I get him to tell me himself without letting him know I know..?

 

EC, When you see him, can you sit him down and just tell him that you really love him, and that you're worried about him?

 

I've done this before (I know not nice but still) when one of my bf's friends called me regarding something, I just told my bf that one of his friends who was concerned for me had called and said xyz... and let him pick it up from there.

 

I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to do everything for him, and give you no explanation as to what is really going on in his life.

[FolderWife]

Well, I see how you can be offended that his time with you was so unimportant to him that he'd blow the money he had to come see you on a game, but on the other hand, he probably set aside enough to come see you, but his car broke down.

 

If you want to see him, and he doesn't have the money, then you'll just have to pay and accept it. You can ask him if you want to. Just be straight with him. Tell him who told you, unless you promised not to. Tell him, "-insert friend's name here- told me that the reason that you couldn't afford to come see me is because you lost the money gambling; is that true?" If he says, "Yes," then you know. It's not really your business, so tell him, "Oh, ok." If he says no, then at least you won't feel badly. There's no point in nagging him, or trying to change him, because he's his own person, and he's going to do what he wants. If you were married, I'd give you different advice, like seeking counselling, etc. But since he's just your long distance boyfriend, you really have no right to tell him what to do. If it gets bad enough, you can say, "Poker, or me" but I don't think it's to that point yet. He's young and irresponsible, and he's acting young and irresponsible. That's what young irresponsible people do. Let him have his fun now before he has a wife, kids, house payment, and an SUV

 

Again, this really is none of your business. YOU want to see HIM, but he doesn't have the money, so you are spotting him. Really, there's no sense in him paying all of it any way, if you can afford to help out. He was dumb, and he lost his money in a bet (if that's the case) so you let it slide this time. The next time he needs to visit, but he doesn't have any money because of a gamble gone bad, then you won't help him.

[EC]

Yeah thats what I was thinking..first time I'll let it slide but the second time I won't put up with it.

 

I know he's young ahhh thats always the excuse he's young were young it's not that serious...

 

I told him we had to talk when I got off of worka nd had time to sit and talk he asked if it was serious but I just said something that I had on my mind...

 

I just plan to tell him that I heard from a concerned friend that he lost his money on a bet not that his car was towed and I will ask him if this is true..w/e the answer I will tell him that I am concerned about him playing poker and losing money but that I wont tell him what to do..That I'm just concerned it doesn't become a habit....

 

For an LDR we do have "ok" communication and he really listens to me so Im hoping hel come clean and we can talk about it like adults and that he doesnt see it as me trying to control him or anything.

 

I know his world does not revolve completely around me nor should it (yet) anyways lol and i want him to be young and dumb lol but not when it messes with him coming down here and giving me some NOOKIE. lol

 

Don't f*ck with the nookie!!

[Merin]

"Don't f*ck with the nookie!!"

 

 

__________________

 

 

That's what I'm sayin!

[FolderWife]

I just plan to tell him that I heard from a concerned friend that he lost his money on a bet not that his car was towed and I will ask him if this is true..w/e the answer I will tell him that I am concerned about him playing poker and losing money but that I wont tell him what to do..That I'm just concerned it doesn't become a habit....

 

I don't think it's a good idea to tell him that you're concerned, because it doesn't concern you. I don't think it's bad yet. Also, don't accuse him of lying, because that will put him on the defensive. Maybe he did have his car towed, AND lost money gambling. Just ask him if he lost money gambling, and don't even bring up the "not that his car was towed" part.

 

I don't tell my friends what to do. If they want to gamble, or drink, or whatever, I don't tell them they are doing a bad thing. If they say that they want to try to stop gambling, then I'll say, "That's a good idea! I'm proud of you!" But it's none of my business what my friends do.

 

A boyfriend should be treated as a friend, and not a husband. Husbands and boyfriends are different. Husbands are more committed. Fiance's are more committed. They are planning to spend their life with you, and they are asking you to spend your life with them, so they owe you the respect of listening to you when you have a concern. Boyfriends are just friends that you kiss. You aren't supposed to have sex with them, but if you do, then that's your own mistake. Boyfriends are friends that you are close to, and have a physical relationship with. Sex is too involved, in my opinion, and should be reserved for at LEAST fiance's, not because it's moral, but because sex brings a deeper level of connection to a relationship, and that should be saved for when you are truely committed and reserved for one person....aka, engaged or married.

 

So you don't have any right to tell your boyfriend what to do, or even suggest that you disapprove of his actions.

 

in my opinion.

[FolderWife]

Wait...he's cheated on you? In that case, nag him to death about his gambling, so he'll break up with you. That way, you won't be stuck with a cheater, and you can find someone who'll be faithful.

 

Why in the WORLD are you DATING a CHEATER!? Being married to a cheater, and trying to make the marriage work is one thing, but when the level of committment is DATING, WHY WOULD YOU STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY UNFAITHFUL!!?!?!?!

[EC]

No no no..he's never cheated on me I wouldnt be with him i'm to young thats wellnowuknow starting Sh*t!!(which by the way is getting annoying)

 

But anyways.. I'm not telling him what to do and i'm sory but before a bf is a fiancee he is a bf..

 

 

I don't date just to date..I need to know the person that I am with and if he has a gambling problem then I dont need to waste anymore time on him because I could already see no future there..

 

I sleep with my bf because he is a potential fiancee or husband and as of right now I am very much in love with him and feel thats it is right and y not?

 

I do respect you opinion though even though I don't totally agree with it.

 

I am scratching off the car part when I speak to him and I will just ask if he has lost money gambling...

[Merin]

Originally posted by Monday

Wait...he's cheated on you? In that case, nag him to death about his gambling, so he'll break up with you. That way, you won't be stuck with a cheater, and you can find someone who'll be faithful.

 

Why in the WORLD are you DATING a CHEATER!? Being married to a cheater, and trying to make the marriage work is one thing, but when the level of committment is DATING, WHY WOULD YOU STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY UNFAITHFUL!!?!?!?!

 

What happened to > "So you don't have any right to tell your boyfriend what to do, or even suggest that you disapprove of his actions."

 

OR this> "A boyfriend should be treated as a friend, and not a husband. Husbands and boyfriends are different."

 

Not that I agree with either one of those statements... but I'm pointing out that that you say EC has no right to point out or EVEN suggest that she might disapprove of what her boyfriend does, YET you say that IF he's cheated on her (which btw I think isn't okay IF he has) that she should dump him... well if she has NO RIGHT to disapprove of his actions because she isn't married to him, then what are you saying?

 

I'm not married to my boyfriend, but what he does and who he does it with IS MY business... the same as he feels what I do and whom I do it with is his....

 

I would never look at my boyfriend as "just my friend" because I'm not intimate with my "friends" and because this is the man I'm trying to build a relationship with, with the possibility of maybe marriage later....

[FolderWife]

What happened to > "So you don't have any right to tell your boyfriend what to do, or even suggest that you disapprove of his actions."

 

OR this> "A boyfriend should be treated as a friend, and not a husband. Husbands and boyfriends are different."

 

I don't tell my friends what to do. BUT, if my friend does something that I don't like to me, then I'll tell them that they've offended me, or they won't be my friend any more. In my opinion, yes a boyfriend is a little more than a friend, but it is not the same as a fiance. You shouldn't date someone that you have to tell what to do anyway.

 

Let me put it this way: If this is a deal breaker, EC, then tell him you are concerned, and if it gets worse, move on. If it is not a deal breaker, then don't tell him that you're concerned.

 

I think the point I was trying to make, is that if the person you are dating is already so flawed in your opinion, that you have to tell him or her what to do, or that you disapprove of their actions, then you really shouldn't be dating them...if you expect someone to change when the level of committment is dating, then the future doesn't look good. I believe you should date someone who has as few flaws as possible, and when the relationship gets closer, then start dating them. If the person is holding hands with, kissing, or having sex with someone else, then find someone who only wants one girlfriend. Boyfriend/Girlfriend should have common goals and interests, without the other person bossing them around. In my opinion.

 

But of course, in my opinion, everyone should wait until engagement or marriage before having sex, and 80% of people have sex on the first date...so

[EC]

I understand what your saying but I feel as if your speaking to me as if I'm in high school or something...

 

I'm way past that stage...

 

I have been with my bf for 7 months now..one of them LDR (wow it's been a month already!) and I am in love with him and He could be fiancee who knows..

WELLNOWUKNOW he hasn't cheated and i won't sink to your level but you honestly need a relationship of your own that way you can be kept entertained and not here bugging everyone and bringing them down.

 

He's not flawed and I'm not trying to change him..He's just young but yes gambling is a deal breaker for me...

 

From what I know he's only gone twice to play in this month and it was just a friendly game..I am concerned of it becoming a habit thats all..If he assures me it's not then ok. But I feel I do have the right to know if his gambling is a problem or not regardless if I was having sex with him or not.

 

I don't feel as If I owned him..I'm am in love..did you forget the feeling? Have you ever had the feeling? I love him and want to be with him and I just want everything to be ok...And it's not a feeling that comes when you sleep with someone..it's not an obligation...

Sex is healthy and what is the point in waiting till he's a fiancee...what if after you wait till his your fiancee and then he gets comfortable with you and you have sex and he starts gambling and you have to go to counseling and all that when it all could have been avoided...