I feel like I don't know what a good r/ship is

[prettycutesoul]

Hi everyone, so i went through a bad breakup. Essentially I was in a weird relationship for 8 years... I honestly don't know what a good relationship is, or what being a GF means because I wasn't treated like a GF should? Like what should a GF be treated like?

 

Like I never got presents for 8 years, or never was brought out to dinners, I paid for my own food/stuff for 8 years.... I barely saw my bf even though we live closeby to each other. Like I envy my other friends where their bf's bring them out for lunch or dinner, or a short vacation, or presents on birthdays or christmas.

 

I've been with this guy for 8 years, never got any of that. Basically it's a scenario where when he wanted me over, I'd go over, but when he didn't I'd go home or be alone. So after 8 years of being disappointing and dissatisfied I broke up with him. Oh also let me add whenever something went wrong he would blame me, and I'd accept that or believe him. I felt like a doormat... probably still am???

 

I don't know how to be a GF or be in a relationship where I feel worthy ya know? I feel like the next relationship I'll go into I'll be as clueless because my last bf didn't treat me at all like a GF, sure he loved me, but whatever right? What's the point of telling me you care/love me and yet I am always feeling lonely and unappreciated.

[dichotomy]

Good questions!

 

I am not sure it is enough you should be focusing on how a BF should treat you or take you for dinners or give gifts - but how you both would work with each other as a team or couple.

 

I think successful relationships (any kind from NAS, to FWB, to dating, to marriage) are based on honest, open and shared expectations and beliefs what you want and will give to each other. Perhaps more simply and effort to please each other - what ever it is that pleases each of you.

 

Some overall suggestions

 

1) If you just recently broke up - don't dive right back into dating.

 

2) Take some time to work on you, self evaluation, self improvement, self reflection. After being in a bad relationship you can loose site of yourself, or maybe you ignored you own needs. Who are you and what do you want to be? What do you believe in (sex, love, Politics, life, religion, etc). What are your short and long term goals for yourself and your life and relationship? Get focused, secure, confident and healthy.

 

3) Then seek a man and relationship that works with your life and beliefs and goals.

Edited May 13, 2013 by dichotomy

[prettycutesoul]

Good questions!

 

I am not sure it is enough you should be focusing on how a BF should treat you or take you for dinners or give gifts - but how you both would work with each other as a team or couple.

 

I think successful relationships (any kind from NAS, to FWB, to dating, to marriage) are based on honest, open and shared expectations and beliefs what you want and will give to each other. Perhaps more simply and effort to please each other - what ever it is that pleases each of you.

 

Some overall suggestions

 

1) If you just recently broke up - don't dive right back into dating.

 

2) Take some time to work on you, self evaluation, self improvement, self reflection. After being in a bad relationship you can loose site of yourself, or maybe you ignored you own needs. Who are you and what do you want to be? What do you believe in (sex, love, Politics, life, religion, etc). What are your short and long term goals for yourself and your life and relationship? Get focused, secure, confident and healthy.

 

3) Then seek a man and relationship that works with your life and beliefs and goals.

 

 

Thanks a bunch. I just feel like I was jilted on this long term relationship experience. On open honesty I did tell him how I feel but he never took the time to do anything about it to a point where I thought being treated like that is a normal thing.

 

It's just that I've been treated one way for so long and I know it's not loving or healthy yet I still do it. I know I have to self evaluate all over again, and I like doing that, it's just I don't want to fall back into that situation with another guy.

[ascendotum]

Was this guy the only guy you have ever been in a relationship with?

I can see why you don't know what its like to be a proper gf, because your relationship sounds like some fwb relationships I know. Together for 8 years and it seems like you were just an accessory to this guy's life. Good on you for pulling the plug, but jeez you wasted some of the best years of your life doing fwb. If that was what you wanted, fine, but you were not happy, and for so long did you surrender your happiness.

 

You got a good post from dicotomy. I don't think you should start looking to get in another relationship for a while. You need to work on your self esteem. There are many relationship & self improvement books out these days. Hopefully someone might see this post who has similar experience and can recommend a book that really helped them. I think you need to make a list of the things you want in a relationship/bf and benchmark any guy you meet against that list, and stick to it, and don't just go with whatever guy shows interest.

Edited May 13, 2013 by ascendotum

[happydate]

Thanks a bunch. I just feel like I was jilted on this long term relationship experience. On open honesty I did tell him how I feel but he never took the time to do anything about it to a point where I thought being treated like that is a normal thing.

 

It's just that I've been treated one way for so long and I know it's not loving or healthy yet I still do it. I know I have to self evaluate all over again, and I like doing that, it's just I don't want to fall back into that situation with another guy.

 

It must be something you were looking for in a man for you to be stuck with him for 8 years. I think you are a smart girl and he didn't confine you like the guy who kidnapped the girls in the news and confined them like a caged prisoner. Now that is a really bad relationship going. You exercised your freewill to stay with him so in a way, you acknowledged that your relationship with him was in a way good. Sometimes, some of us like to perform judgement on that man as being a bad person and that he is the villan and you are the victim. Perhaps and we will never know.

 

Some people think maintaining a relationship means you need to buy people "STUFF". But then what is considered a good relationship then? A man buys a Mercedes Benz for his girlfriend is considered a better person to a guy who buys the girlfriend an iPhone 5? A person who takes a girl to an exotic European 5 star trip is considered a better person than a guy who takes out his woman to an ice cream store and tried buying an ice cream and realized he didn't have enough money and girlfriend offered to cover the rest. Both shared the same ice cream. Who do you think will reflect back when they are married and with kids the most intimate and romantic? I think the guy and gal who combined the dollars and cents to buy that one ice cream, because out of that struggle together came success. It is this intimate moment that will bring the best memory together.

 

You definitely do not need an extravagant materialistic view on relationships. Being intimate and affectionate does not have to involve a million dollar home nor some expensive gifts. Sometimes, the best gift coming from the person is actually his open kind warm heart. This is something no amount of money you can get to buy. Guys with a shut heart usually use money or gifts to cover his deficiencies and unfortunately is the socially acceptable norm.

 

Other than that, if you felt the relationship isn't working. Keep this in mind. You only attract those men that are like you. Like attracts like. If you don't want to attract those men in the future, you must improve yourself and address the issues you don't like about him on yourself. Inherently, you had approved him for 8 years means there are things you have that he has that you liked.

 

[prettycutesoul]

It must be something you were looking for in a man for you to be stuck with him for 8 years. I think you are a smart girl and he didn't confine you like the guy who kidnapped the girls in the news and confined them like a caged prisoner. Now that is a really bad relationship going. You exercised your freewill to stay with him so in a way, you acknowledged that your relationship with him was in a way good. Sometimes, some of us like to perform judgement on that man as being a bad person and that he is the villan and you are the victim. Perhaps and we will never know.

 

Some people think maintaining a relationship means you need to buy people "STUFF". But then what is considered a good relationship then? A man buys a Mercedes Benz for his girlfriend is considered a better person to a guy who buys the girlfriend an iPhone 5? A person who takes a girl to an exotic European 5 star trip is considered a better person than a guy who takes out his woman to an ice cream store and tried buying an ice cream and realized he didn't have enough money and girlfriend offered to cover the rest. Both shared the same ice cream? Who do you think will reflect back when they are married and with kids the most intimate? I think the guy and gal who combined the dollars and cents to buy that one ice cream. Is that intimate moment that will bring the best memory together.

 

You definitely do not need an extravagant materialistic view on relationships. Being intimate and affectionate does not have to involve a million dollar home nor some expensive gifts. Sometimes, the best gift coming from the person is actually his open kind warm heart. This is something no amount of money you can get to buy. Guys with a shut heart usually use money or gifts to cover his deficiencies and unfortunately is the socially acceptable norm.

 

Other than that, if you felt the relationship isn't working. Keep this in mind. You only attract those men that are like you. Like attracts like. If you don't want to attract those men in the future, you must improve yourself and address the issues you don't like about him on yourself. Inherently, you had approved him for 8 years means there are things you have that he has that you liked.

 

 

 

Well it's not that i want extravagant things - i mean i've been in this relationship for 8 years and haven't even gotten my ice cream paid . 8 years and i haven't even gotten a box of chocolates or a cone of ice cream bought for me. So no, I don't think maintaining a relationship involves things. 8 years and not a dime spent on me. I'm probably the most least materialistic gf anyone could ever have. I buy him gifts all the time esp birthdays and Christmases because i felt good doing it and I felt like a gf doing it. I also try my best to spend time with him but he doesn't even think about that. I get excited going over his place whenever he's free and asks me to- but he doesn't feel the same way.

 

he just doesnt acknowledge me by showing it to me any other way. He doesn't have time for me, yet i don't have anything to compensate it with, if i had gifts at least I know he compensated by not being there and being busy by oh he got me something cute and thoughtful. Like a nice picture frame of the two of us at least once in the last 8 years- hey babe i know you exist!

 

I also approved of him for 8 years because i kept thinking it would change. He's starting out his career the first few years, so i didn't ask for anything, then he started making money and he still can't bring me out somewhere nice or have more time for me? He's so used treating me like 'just a girl' but not a girlfriend that it took a toll on me.

 

Again, I thought it was normal until I saw my parent's relationships, HIS parent's relationships, my friends relationships and I got the short end of the stick.

 

That mentality of 'He will change and treat me better, or treat me more like a gf than just a girl he sees whenever he's free' would be better. We don't even pool cents together to buy ice cream. I would think that is cute. I do everything on my own- he doesn't do much with me. He just never does anything romantic or anything at all actually. I don't know what I've been doing for 8 years except think it's gonna get better- like he's a nice guy, he doesn't do much, i do all the heavy lifting maybe one day he'll reciprocate....in the middle of it all...I just got used to it.

 

Also you have to understand, he tells me he loves me everyday but doesn't do a thing about it. Like what's the point it's like air. I stayed with him for 8 yrs believing he loves me... but as time went by I don't even know what love really means. Does it mean not having time for the person, not acknowledging them with gifts or with nice texts? Does it just mean "I love you." and then nothing?

 

Is it just a word, because to him he just uses it to get out of fights or get out of talking. And then it ends there. I think of memorable things he's done, and there isn't any. He doesn't come over when I'm sad or upset, he doesn't call when something is wrong, he doesn't try hard or try at all period to make me happy. But like I said he kept telling me he loves me and he wasn't with anyone else when we were together for 8 years so I assumed it was a bf/gf relationship. Am I wrong? See why I feel like I don't know what a real relationship is or should feel like?

[prettycutesoul]

Was this guy the only guy you have ever been in a relationship with?

I can see why you don't know what its like to be a proper gf, because your relationship sounds like some fwb relationships I know. Together for 8 years and it seems like you were just an accessory to this guy's life. Good on you for pulling the plug, but jeez you wasted some of the best years of your life doing fwb. If that was what you wanted, fine, but you were not happy, and for so long did you surrender your happiness.

 

You got a good post from dicotomy. I don't think you should start looking to get in another relationship for a while. You need to work on your self esteem. There are many relationship & self improvement books out these days. Hopefully someone might see this post who has similar experience and can recommend a book that really helped them. I think you need to make a list of the things you want in a relationship/bf and benchmark any guy you meet against that list, and stick to it, and don't just go with whatever guy shows interest.

 

Well, he's not the first guy i've been with, he is the first guy I am supposedly 'in love' with. Whatever that means at this point. But yeah I wasted all my years because I thought he would change. Going into the relationship I forgave a lot of things, and i thought if i stay longer he'd change- and as time went by he didn't change, he stayed the same and I grew to think everything he did to me as a bf to a gf is normal.

 

Maybe we were just FwB, but he wasn't seeing anyone else for 8 years. He tells me he loves me everytime we fight, so i think it's ok and then another year goes by. And it just goes on and on. but he just says he loves me but doesn't do anything about it. Like I think this is normal. Like to me love is just a word now. Because nothing followed the word I love you.

 

whenever we wanted to breakup before he'd say I love you and then I'd come back willingly. I kinda had it because it's not right, at least I don't think it is. I had to pull the plug or he'd keep using me. I figure I'm a pretty chill GF, so he feels great that I am always there for him but he is never there for me....

[happydate]

Well it's not that i want extravagant things - i mean i've been in this relationship for 8 years and haven't even gotten my ice cream paid . 8 years and i haven't even gotten a box of chocolates or a cone of ice cream bought for me. So no, I don't think maintaining a relationship involves things. 8 years and not a dime spent on me. I'm probably the most least materialistic gf anyone could ever have. I buy him gifts all the time esp birthdays and Christmases because i felt good doing it and I felt like a gf doing it. I also try my best to spend time with him but he doesn't even think about that. I get excited going over his place whenever he's free and asks me to- but he doesn't feel the same way.

 

he just doesnt acknowledge me by showing it to me any other way. He doesn't have time for me, yet i don't have anything to compensate it with, if i had gifts at least I know he compensated by not being there and being busy by oh he got me something cute and thoughtful. Like a nice picture frame of the two of us at least once in the last 8 years- hey babe i know you exist!

 

I also approved of him for 8 years because i kept thinking it would change. He's starting out his career the first few years, so i didn't ask for anything, then he started making money and he still can't bring me out somewhere nice or have more time for me? He's so used treating me like 'just a girl' but not a girlfriend that it took a toll on me.

 

Again, I thought it was normal until I saw my parent's relationships, HIS parent's relationships, my friends relationships and I got the short end of the stick.

 

That mentality of 'He will change and treat me better, or treat me more like a gf than just a girl he sees whenever he's free' would be better. We don't even pool cents together to buy ice cream. I would think that is cute. I do everything on my own- he doesn't do much with me. He just never does anything romantic or anything at all actually. I don't know what I've been doing for 8 years except think it's gonna get better- like he's a nice guy, he doesn't do much, i do all the heavy lifting maybe one day he'll reciprocate....in the middle of it all...I just got used to it.

 

Also you have to understand, he tells me he loves me everyday but doesn't do a thing about it. Like what's the point it's like air. I stayed with him for 8 yrs believing he loves me... but as time went by I don't even know what love really means. Does it mean not having time for the person, not acknowledging them with gifts or with nice texts? Does it just mean "I love you." and then nothing?

 

Is it just a word, because to him he just uses it to get out of fights or get out of talking. And then it ends there. I think of memorable things he's done, and there isn't any. He doesn't come over when I'm sad or upset, he doesn't call when something is wrong, he doesn't try hard or try at all period to make me happy. But like I said he kept telling me he loves me and he wasn't with anyone else when we were together for 8 years so I assumed it was a bf/gf relationship. Am I wrong? See why I feel like I don't know what a real relationship is or should feel like?

 

Actually you are right. And yes, you do know what love is. What you've done is called unconditional love and you didn't even know you do have! Unconditional love means that you love the person irregardless if he treats you for the worst or better. Look up the penitent and impenitent thief that were both crucified with Jesus. A cross will have both. The impenitent thief known as the bad thief did not ask for mercy, while the good thief did ask for mercy and Jesus gave it to him because he has unconditional love towards the person who is willing to ask for forgiveness and for him to forgive. Do you think Jesus Christ got the short end of the stick then? Me not think so.

 

What you have learned lesson wise is that, you are a tolerant and loving person even though your BF did not project any love towards you. When you love yourself, you don't need any external sources of love and that you have proven that yourself for 8 long years. Wow, that is a fantastic journey. Most women these days just bolt. Is this a waste of time? What do you think?

In my opinion -- it's a lesson well earned.

 

Which means that if you meet a good guy the next time around, he will be the most luckiest guy on earth to be with you. Why? Because you can show compassion and unconditional love which most women today lacked. At a sign of trouble and hard work, most of these women just bolt out and do a break up. They lack forgiveness. Most men are just not the storybook perfect type you find in romance novels.

 

Sometimes, the Universe has a way to test your ability to unconditional love someone. It's not going to formally announce to you and say, psstt lady we are going to test you for unconditional love.. Nope..

 

Having said that, the person you are attracting has some traits that you yourself has to improve and grow. Do not be afraid of meeting another man. If you truly pass the test of unconditional love, the next man will not be the looser anymore. If you had not, then you'll be jumping in from one frying pan to another.

 

Blessings!

Edited May 14, 2013 by happydate

[prettycutesoul]

Happydate,

 

Thank you for that post of yours. It's hilarious that I unconciously know what love is cause I gave the most unconditional love I can give someone. Which now I think about it- is great but at the same time wasted on something who didn't even love me right. Right now I just feel lonely-ish because getting over an ex who you've been with for 8 years is hard.... what they say? 1 month for every year? 8 months for me But ugh I still don't know if that was the right kind of love.

 

but again maybe I know how to love, I just don't know how to get it. I mean now I know what I want in the next guy, problem is I find that the kind of love I gave my ex is pretty rare to find- no one can put up with that. now that I think about it, why did I put up with that? But thanks a bunch you gave me great advice and new things I didn't know about myself.

[ascendotum]

Did you not have any friends or sisters who could counsel you on your relationship over that period?

I know some women love the challenge of getting scraps of love/affection from a guy they are crazy over but who does not have their girl as a priority in his life. Guys who I knew like this generally got bored with the girl after a couple of years or broke up with her when she started nagging him for more appreciation. It was a little annoying to see what I thought were great girls, being puppy dogs for these guys.

Anyway, while I don't think you should get into another relationship too quick, don't be a shut in, and get out and about with your friends and flirt with guys.

[prettycutesoul]

Did you not have any friends or sisters who could counsel you on your relationship over that period?

I know some women love the challenge of getting scraps of love/affection from a guy they are crazy over but who does not have their girl as a priority in his life. Guys who I knew like this generally got bored with the girl after a couple of years or broke up with her when she started nagging him for more appreciation. It was a little annoying to see what I thought were great girls, being puppy dogs for these guys.

Anyway, while I don't think you should get into another relationship too quick, don't be a shut in, and get out and about with your friends and flirt with guys.

 

I did, my friends and family liked him at first... then they hated him. They kept telling me I should be treated like a GF and how I was treated wasn't like one... I forgot what they said I was treated like. But I mean I cared about him and supposedly loved him so I kept saying he's a great guy he just needs time to figure stuff out. You know? Like give him a break, he has stuff going on, he's a great guy, give him time to figure it out. And it's been like that ever since. maybe I was in denial and my friends and family stopped talking to me about it. They saw that I was OK with it eventhough they found it odd.

 

I mean it's not like I was a saint all 8 years I have been very very difficult haha Like I said in my previous posts I have it made known to him that I would like to be treated like a lovely gf! But anyways lesson learned, was a total doormat and should've inforced how much I've been neglected as opposed to dragging it for 8 years.

 

The only reason i FINALLY cut the cord recently was because I went through something tragic this week and he wasn't there for me. I mean you'd imagine being together for 8 years and being there for him whenever he has a breakdown/something tragic I was always there.

 

I just wanted him to be there for me, and he was too busy, funny cause it was a weekend and he didn't have work so.... what gives right?. It was like he stabbed me a couple of times and left me to die. Had to face reality and let it go.

 

Anyways SORRY for the ridiculous rant!!! I haven't had time to properly flush this breakup out my system. Uhm yeah no I think I'm gonna be single for a long time I think I need 'me' time. Buy myself stuff, brring myself on vacations. Gotta learn how to be alone.

[happydate]

Happydate,

 

Thank you for that post of yours. It's hilarious that I unconciously know what love is cause I gave the most unconditional love I can give someone. Which now I think about it- is great but at the same time wasted on something who didn't even love me right. Right now I just feel lonely-ish because getting over an ex who you've been with for 8 years is hard.... what they say? 1 month for every year? 8 months for me But ugh I still don't know if that was the right kind of love.

 

but again maybe I know how to love, I just don't know how to get it. I mean now I know what I want in the next guy, problem is I find that the kind of love I gave my ex is pretty rare to find- no one can put up with that. now that I think about it, why did I put up with that? But thanks a bunch you gave me great advice and new things I didn't know about myself.

 

If you pray to the lord to forgive him and show some compassion for what he had done to you, then your recovery period will be quicker because the heart heals quicker with compassion and forgiveness. Of course, you also have to do something positive to occupy your mind as well. Do lots of girly things and what you really love.

 

You don't need to pray all the time. Just sit quietly somewhere and then pray out loud to the lord with sincerity. If things are done right out of your heart, you will feel an intense warm loving feeling in the heart and then you will get goose bumps and tears of joy. Our lord's love is paramount! No human being on earth can give that kind of unconditional love as sweet as the lord. He truly loves you and you will never feel alone because you are not!

 

You do know how to love, because you were being authentic to him. It's just that, he wasn't being "authentic" to you. It's sad that in this day and age nowadays, people like to be fake and play head games with their heart shut out. This is a bad move and you will eventually suffer very likely from some sort of cardiac pulmonary disease with shortness of breath, dizziness, migraine headaches and lots of stress and sleepiness nights even if you have short term gains in maintaining unhealthy relationships. So please do not be fooled by people out there who show public affection with gifts and kisses and so forth. Sometimes, the truth lies in the fine print.

 

We are all here to serve our lord on this planet earth and one of the missions can be to serve as a teacher to another soul or a human being. Perhaps this guy of yours became frustrated that he couldn't get an authentic woman to love him. His mother was a cold fish somehow (like mine is) and he doesn't really know how to return love back. He wasn't toilet trained so to speak. But the lord is compassionate, so one day he decided to grant this guy's wish and hook you guys up together. He was happy at first, but realized that perhaps is the sex that he thought was love he was giving back to you. SO, he probably internalized this into his M.O and so became the guy you know for 8 long years. Of course, he should have known how to become more affectionate towards you and cherish your authenticity. But people tend to become complacent when things are so good. When they do, they do nothing and that's not what the lord had ordained upon him! Rest assured that when the lord has given a gift to the person and the person abused it, that the same experience will be returned back to him (with the woman playing games with him) UNLESS he's willing to forgive you and bless you for what you've done to him. For that, he will become the penitent thief. You are probably wondering why some guys are just going from one frying pan to another, because most men tend to accept becoming the impenitent thief. Well, you see now that you have your answer. Don't be vindictive towards him. He will surely get lessons from the lord. Trust me he will.

 

Last thing.. Google "Lightworker" as I suspect that you are one of us.

 

Blessings..

Edited May 14, 2013 by happydate