Our Child likes Me more than Mommy

[jimmymars]

Our Daughter just turned 5 yesterday and she is a Daddy's girl. My Wife is the greatest though, She really takes care of our Daughter so good, makes sure she eats well, really gives her a lot of her time, reads to her, does crafts with her, has always shown affection, always planned great birthdays for our little one, etc.

 

But lately our Daughter has been showing my Wife a lot of rude/hurtful behavior: not greeting her in the morning, giving me hugs but not Wife, telling me randomly 'I Love You Daddy' but never my Wife and it completely hurts my Wife's feelings to the point where she's cried about it in the next room.

 

My Thoughts: My Wife is home with her all day, until I get home. Daughter has been a bit hard to handle (feeling her independence) lately and not listening as much as she should, basically being more unruly with Me and Wife. So since my Wife has to give her time outs and take things away for Bad Behavior a lot more than normal (and dare I say, Maybe Daughter is a little spoiled from us doting on her so much from the day she was born), It makes me think Daughter sees me as 'The Fun Guy' when I get home and takes out her frustration from having to conform to our general-justified rules out on my Wife.

 

My Problem: I really don't know how to explain and make my Wife understand that it's probably a phase... She's really been taking it hard and getting depressed over it. My Wife works so hard and tries very hard to be a great Mommy to our little one that she feels terrible.

 

It guts me as well, I feel bad all day while at work. I don't know what to do. Please reaasure me that it's a phase or if any of you have any insight, I'd LOVE to read it...

 

 

Thanks

Edited May 13, 2013 by jimmymars

[Treasa]

I don't have kids, but I WAS one.

 

It's a phase, and it'll last about 20 more years. Maybe.

 

Someday your daughter WILL appreciate everything her mommy has done for her. I hate to say it so soon after Mother's Day, but being a mom seems to be a difficult and often thankless job. Besides, your wife is the main disciplinarian, so it's natural for your little girl to rebel.

 

While the phase is normal, you still need to enforce what will and what will not be tolerated. She can express herself, but she needs to do it respectfully to your wife. And you are the adults, so ultimately, what you say goes.

 

My mom and I didn't always have the smoothest relationship, but I would give my life in a heartbeat for her, and I would rip apart anyone who would ever LOOK at her wrong. I love my mom more than anything and everything and everyone in the world. Probably the one person I love more than myself, and that's saying a lot.

 

Being a mom isn't for the faint of heart. Now go give your wife a hug.

[Harholil]

Kids do tend to gravitate to the opposite sex parent. You should all consider yourselves extremely fortunate that your family has a present father that loves his daughter and is loved back by her. The "favorite" will shift now and then, but you should both know this is not unusual, and the trick is to not take it personally.

[Nyla]

I will always be a Daddy's Girl, but that is because my father doted on me and treated me with affection and respect when I was a kid. My mother was extremely strict and very hard on me growing up and she was also abusive. It was natural for me to gravitate towards to the parent who did not swear at me, call me names or beat me for every little mistake.

 

My mother is also very jealous of how close I am to my father; whenever he uses a pet name or says he loves me, my mother will ask "How come you never talk to me like that?":rolleyes: My mother was a screaming shrew to my father, so it made sense that he didn't feel affectionate toward her. I can remember getting hugs and kisses when my father came home and him just saying "Hi" to my mom.

 

Kids always love the "fun" parent, not the one who is a disciplinarian. All children need discipline, but maybe if your wife took on a more fun role once in a while, your daughter might feel closer to her.

[HokeyReligions]

Sound totally normal to me. Is there a way your wife could go visit friends or family for a long weekend and let you do the tough parenting? Then mom can have fun day with your daughter? Its important that you both parent together includin giving time outs. You might have to talk to daughter and you be the one to give the time out for bad behaviour. Set and enforce boundries. Daughter is going to keep pushing and it it totally normal for her to try to pit one parent against the other. It will pass but how you all handle this now will have a greater impact in about 8-10 years.

[soccerrprp]

It's a phase. She's exploring her boundaries and is a little miffed that mommy is the one that is keeping her from making poor decisions. She's using this time to see what it is she can and cannot get away with depending which parent is in her sights. She's already scheming. In other words, daddy is great b/c he doesn't make me do things that I don't want to during the day, so I'm going to see what I can get away with with daddy. Lol! Entirely normal for this stage in her life. She'll grow out of it.

 

Be warned though, if she learns to play you, she won't grow out of it. So, like others have said, you should be consistent about what is acceptable and what is not. That should be a partnership arrangement/discussion with your wife.

[KathyM]

The parent who is not as present in the child's daily life is often idealized by the child. That's pretty typical. I would agree with the poster who said you need to be the disciplinarian when you are at home, to balance this out, and so that she sees that you and your wife are united on the form and consistency of discipline that is given. Often one parent is more lenient with a child, and children are quick to pick up on that and start playing one parent against the other. Often one parent doesn't want to appear like "the bad guy", so he backs off on his role as parent and disciplinarian, and instead goes for the "friend" role, which is not fair to the spouse who is trying to parent. So I would recommend that you make sure you and your wife are both in agreement on the limits for your child and how to enforce those limits and how to discipline her. And when you ARE home, that you make sure that you are being the disciplinarian to your daughter, to help balance out this current imbalance. And your wife should also make time for doing fun things with your daughter so that her relationship with your daughter also has fun and enjoyable elements to it, which will make their relationship stronger.

[dichotomy]

I have seen phases with my little daughter this way. Perhaps not extreme but definitely swings between me some years and mom sometimes (mostly me). Heck - sometimes when she is with grandma for the day - she does not want either of us to take her home.

 

One thing I think you can do - is make sure you show great affection for your wife when you get home. I am not saying to ignore the hugs and excitement from your daughter - but it is important for her to see you showing great love, affection, hugs and kisses and words of appreciation for your wife. She may get jealous or miffed, but it is important she knows the pecking order in the home and MOMA/WIFE is alpha female. If you see any signs of disrespect to your wife - nip it in the bud.

 

P.S.

 

I read this funny book once "***** my dad used to say" and it had this story of a boy and his dad (the dad did love the boy but was very crude) and they were all sitting at the dinning room table with his family and the boy/son said something kinda of rude to the mom, the dad rather strongly smacked him on the shoulder. The boy was startled - and the dad looked him in the eye and said "You down here" putting his hand close to floor, "your mom (and my wife) up here" putting his hand way up above the boys head.

 

I sometimes have to remind my beloved sweet little daughter, that no matter how much I love and treasure her .... mom is alpha female in the home.

[whichwayisup]

Tell your wife to talk to her other friends who have children. I'm sure they will agree with you that it's just a phase and things will get better.

[TaraMaiden]

This 'phase' will be shortened and much reduced, if you openly and demonstrably show your wife affection and demonstrate to your dughter that she is very important to you.

 

This may even evoke a jealous reaction form your little girl - she may try to separate you two and demand you hug her, instead.

 

You have to gently and firmly explain that you love mummy and she deserves cuddles and kisses too.

And that she should love mummy too.

 

Your wife is understandably upset, but I agree with the poster who suggested that rather than take on the full role she has done so far, as chief carer and disciplinarian, she makes time to have great fun with her daughter.

Dishes, housework and shopping can wait/be deferred.

Missing the fun times with a young child, can never be replaced.

 

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

 

(from a poem by Ruth Hulbert hamilton.)

 

Be fair to your wife. You may, deep down, secretly love that she's a 'daddy's girl'. It's very flattering; but she won't stay little for ever: And NOW is the time for you and your wife to establish boundaries and develop a united front as parents, and be 'on the same page'.

 

 

Kids aren't stupid.

She's capable at this age, of being manipulative and calculating. Oh yes, believe me, she is.

 

if she can so clearly separate her emotions for you both, and demonstrably show favour for you - she knows precisely what she's doing...

 

Put in damage-limitations NOW - otherwise, she will see and learn how this is working, and forever play you against one another - and trust me - when she's a wayward teenager, you do NOT want to have to cope with that.