How to deal with being inherently unattractive physically?

[Inflikted]

As someone in his mid-20s that's never dated, I find myself wondering just how important physical attraction really is. I know I'm not the best looking guy, but I always figured if I could connect with a girl on a mental/ emotional level, I'd still be okay. Unfortunately, from my experience, this has not proven to be the case.

 

I'm flat out unattractive, physically. Thing is, it has a lot to do with qualities I have no control over. The biggest problem I run into is, everyone seems to think I'm much younger than I am (often around the age of 12...) just by looking at me. I'm short (5'1"), and I have a naturally young looking face. I can't really do anything about either of those things...

 

Even the last girl I was totally in love with recently made a backhanded comment about me looking young. I don't know if that's the reason she didn't want to go out with me, but it sure hurt my feelings all the same. It's not like I chase after super hot "model" types; heck, this last girl isn't traditionally "attractive", in my opinion, but I was still crazy about her.

 

It's an incredibly frustrating place to be in. I don't know how much my looks really hold me back, or if it's all in my head, but I feel like it must play some part in my lack of success. So many random strangers feel the incessant need to go "Oh, I thought you were a child!", so I can understand girls probably don't want to date someone they perceive to be a little boy.

 

So what the heck am I supposed to do?

[ScreamingTrees]

Honestly, it's tough, but we have to just be positive and continue to bang our heads against the brick wall. This coming from someone taller, I don't think it makes a huge difference unless you allow it to.

[Inflikted]

Honestly, it's tough, but we have to just be positive and continue to bang our heads against the brick wall. This coming from someone taller, I don't think it makes a huge difference unless you allow it to.

 

It's not even just the height thing, though, it's the fact that everyone seems to perceive and look at me as a "child".

[todreaminblue]

From a female perspective....what one woman finds attractive....might not be the case for another........when i used to date when i was younger.......i didnt go on looks, still dont....a voice will grab my attention......i had these guys chasing me aggressively wanting to date me they were tall, well off business owners........my girlfriends at the time were harassing me to date this one who would stop by and see me everyday while at work, he was too aggressive for me.....i dated the guy who asked me once........which i refused at the time.....he was five foot nothing........not traditionally attractive and my girlfriends were horrified......i didnt care about that......he was fit, i was active and he was a martial arts enthusiast and helped street kids........he had many qualities that i adored....altruistic and generous....he still is....he still remains my friend twenty years on.....even though we are not together, i have helped him out

 

 

he has had many relationships since me...i have had one........long term...fifteen years...he has had relationships because he doesnt let his height or his looks hold him back......but he has issues he needs to sort out.......to keep a relationship.......

 

 

i am not attractive....i have nice hair, i have nice eyes.....too many curves...and i am short...but my nature is what attracts guys........i am warm and can be funny.......i dont set out to attract guys .......and i hardly ever feel attracted to guys happens rarely..guys can talk to me and feel at ease....because i put them at ease..i have my own issues to deal with.......but i am just me and i accept me for the most part..i will always be a work in progress..i definitely know what i have to offer a guy.....and those things are many....maybe guys sense that confidence in me.......you have to know what you have...and that way you are able to give it....and sometimes it comes out unconsciously...concentrate on all your good qualities write them down if you have to ....paste them to a wall,,,,say them over and over again until you believe in what gifts you have been given.....i wish you well....never give up....:bunny:...deb

[Star Gazer]

Honestly, it's tough, but we have to just be positive and continue to bang our heads against the brick wall. This coming from someone taller, I don't think it makes a huge difference unless you allow it to.

 

"We"? What are you talking about. You are NOT unattractive, objectively, subjectively, or otherwise.

[soccerrprp]

"We"? What are you talking about. You are NOT unattractive, objectively, subjectively, or otherwise.

 

 

ScreamingTrees, is that you as your avatar?

[ScreamingTrees]

ScreamingTrees, is that you as your avatar?

 

No. I'd prefer the (nearly complete) anonymity. Bad enough that some people know what I look like for whatever reason that may be. :s I simply don't and cannot believe other people, and I'm not sure if I ever have, in hindsight. It's like a religious non-believer trying to force them self into believing in a deity when it seems to be an impossibility.

 

Anyways, OP, I'd say there's really nothing we can do, honestly.. besides self acceptance. Regardless of what the issue is, mental or physical, or a mental problem with physical symptoms or vice-versa.. With my newfound lack of caring, I believe I'm already on to a happier road.

 

I know this probably isn't a good way of thinking for many people, but this has been working well for me, I think. I personally have just trained myself to assume that there is no chance of another female seeing me as attractive in any physical way.

 

It wasn't really that hard, I'd already had the thoughts swirling around in my subconscious, I'd also already had depressing dreams revealing my insecurities to myself in rather undeniable manners, it was just a matter of no longer fighting the beliefs with my "hopes".. One's internal feelings of adequacy are not necessarily translatable externally, if you know what I'm trying to say.

 

So, should I ever see someone if I'm out anywhere in general that gets me particularly nervous or anxious, I simply remind myself that this person would never see me in that sort of way, that I'm either invisible to them or a nuisance should we interact, and it calms me down, it stops me from thinking about it and I can just do what I've got to do and go home. No matter what signs you may normally assume as interest.

 

We have to assume that we're desperate enough to take any positive signs as a signal of interest when in reality it's nothing more than friendliness. Most "signs" have another explanation. To me, any "signs" would actually be a sign in itself to avoid what may be a toxic situation before you risk the chance of humiliation or rejection.

 

How you would actually figure out where genuine interest may be coming from, I'm not exactly sure how to figure that out, which is why I don't care as much anymore. Then again, perhaps my love-shyness is a "caring" act in itself. Whatever.

[nickkelly9]

Wow.

 

This is my first post here, I just signed up. I googled just the question "I can't get a girl" because that's the boat I'm in, and this site popped up.

 

I found a thread from 6 years ago and read it thoroughly on the topic, and now before I post my own I'm reading this one.

 

These replies depress me.

 

Firstly, to the women here, why can't you be honest? Why pretend like you would actually date or fall in love with an ass ugly man because of some intangible trait? You wouldn't, okay. You just wouldn't and we all know it.

 

Secondly, I don't know what to tell the OP. But ScreamingTrees horrifies me. I don't want to get to that point, but I hear the calling. I don't want to give up. But I'm 27 and I have never been kissed. Never had a girl "like" me in school, or a woman ask me out, or a woman accept my invitation to a date.

 

So I have those thoughts and doubts, especially when I'm rejected seemingly off the top for no reason I can place. But I absolutely FEAR living life knowing there is no possibility.

 

I fear it because from 13-20 I lived that life. I just assumed no one would ever be attracted to me and lived in loneliness. It was pathetic, I was pathetic.

 

I don't wish it on anybody.

[Keenly]

We are ugly to some, okay to others, and attractive to some. It's the name of the game, there literally (statistically speaking) is some one for everyone. Think about your preference with women. Some are eh, some are cute, and some are SMOKIN hot. It's the same the other way around.

[hppr]

We are ugly to some, okay to others, and attractive to some. It's the name of the game, there literally (statistically speaking) is some one for everyone. Think about your preference with women. Some are eh, some are cute, and some are SMOKIN hot. It's the same the other way around.

 

Exactly. Play to your strengths. So your short but look young, therefore you probably qualify as 'cute' and not 'ugly'. What else you got going for you? Are you funny? What do you do for a living? Ambitions in life?

[todreaminblue]

Wow.

 

This is my first post here, I just signed up. I googled just the question "I can't get a girl" because that's the boat I'm in, and this site popped up.

 

I found a thread from 6 years ago and read it thoroughly on the topic, and now before I post my own I'm reading this one.

 

These replies depress me.

 

Firstly, to the women here, why can't you be honest? Why pretend like you would actually date or fall in love with an ass ugly man because of some intangible trait? You wouldn't, okay. You just wouldn't and we all know it.

 

Secondly, I don't know what to tell the OP. But ScreamingTrees horrifies me. I don't want to get to that point, but I hear the calling. I don't want to give up. But I'm 27 and I have never been kissed. Never had a girl "like" me in school, or a woman ask me out, or a woman accept my invitation to a date.

 

So I have those thoughts and doubts, especially when I'm rejected seemingly off the top for no reason I can place. But I absolutely FEAR living life knowing there is no possibility.

 

I fear it because from 13-20 I lived that life. I just assumed no one would ever be attracted to me and lived in loneliness. It was pathetic, I was pathetic.

 

I don't wish it on anybody.

 

 

doubts are normal....you sound pretty defeated however..........i have been totally honest on this thread.....looks arent everything they play a part all women are attracted to different things......and having a strong personal sense of self is highly attractive .....not delusionally so....but aware of what you have to offer that is good is just as important as how you physically look..... even more so, and some women do look for other qualities besides looks....a defeatist attitude cannot be admirable......

 

looking after yourself is admirable because you carry yourself differently when you are fitter......that draws the eye......and then the attention....and then the interest.....being forthright and honest and able to approach women in spite of having dealt with rejection from other women...is courageous....... i dont think many women would not admire a man who knows what he wants and goes after it.......deb

[USMCHokie]

Anyways, OP, I'd say there's really nothing we can do, honestly.. besides self acceptance.

 

I agree with accepting shortcomings, but I disagree with relegating yourself to doing nothing about it. If you've identified a deficiency, then you either work to improve it, or improve something else to make up for that deficiency. Some of us start further down on the ladder, no doubt, but it's up to you to climb up in any way that you can.

[ScreamingTrees]

I agree with accepting shortcomings, but I disagree with relegating yourself to doing nothing about it. If you've identified a deficiency, then you either work to improve it, or improve something else to make up for that deficiency. Some of us start further down on the ladder, no doubt, but it's up to you to climb up in any way that you can.

 

Personally, I can't afford plastic surgery, and leg-lengthening procedures seem to be too much trouble for what they're worth. And I don't think I can change my subconscious "aura" or "vibe", if you will. Being goofy or awkward or anxious is probably just ingrained in my being, if I'm still generally repelling females on days where I'm actually in a good mood and sociable.

[ScreamingTrees]

Secondly, I don't know what to tell the OP. But ScreamingTrees horrifies me. I don't want to get to that point, but I hear the calling. I don't want to give up. But I'm 27 and I have never been kissed. Never had a girl "like" me in school, or a woman ask me out, or a woman accept my invitation to a date.

 

Hate to potentially "horrify" you further, but I'm actually much younger than you. I can see myself in you, though, now as I've entered my twenties.. So I'm just avoiding the head/heart aches ahead of time, although no one else will give me any aches.. You sort of need to fall for someone and lose them for that to happen.. All of my "aches" are my own fault. lol

 

I'm sure there's hope. You guys probably need to do something, be more proactive, perhaps. For some, it's an exercise in futility. But even if you strike out a few times, that's normal, especially if you're noticeably awkward. If things fail to improve over several years.. I'd say to focus more on your hobbies or whatever and be happy that you're not starving in some third world country.

[CarrieT]

Prince is 5'2"

Voltaire was 5'3"

Andrew Carnegie was 5'0"

Toulouse-Lautrec was 4'11"

Wallace Shawn is 5'2"

Danny DeVito is 5'0"

 

 

It does not take height to be a Big Man.

[KungFuJoe]

I agree with accepting shortcomings, but I disagree with relegating yourself to doing nothing about it. If you've identified a deficiency, then you either work to improve it, or improve something else to make up for that deficiency. Some of us start further down on the ladder, no doubt, but it's up to you to climb up in any way that you can.

 

Pretty much this. Not everyone is gonna flop a boat. Sometimes you gotta work to make that winning hand.

[PJKino]

Prince is 5'2"

Voltaire was 5'3"

Andrew Carnegie was 5'0"

Toulouse-Lautrec was 4'11"

Wallace Shawn is 5'2"

Danny DeVito is 5'0"

 

 

It does not take height to be a Big Man.

 

Great so all a short guy needs to attract women is to be rich and famous

[ScreamingTrees]

Great so all a short guy needs to attract women is to be rich and famous

 

To be fair, you can become famous without having to have any real talent, so.. go make some youtube videos!

[Star Gazer]

To be fair, you can become famous without having to have any real talent, so.. go make some youtube videos!

 

You know I know what you look like, as you've sent me your pictures behind closed doors.

 

You don't need plastic surgery or leg lengthening or anything else of the sort. You're a good looking guy. What you need is a self-esteem.

[Inflikted]

I know this probably isn't a good way of thinking for many people, but this has been working well for me, I think. I personally have just trained myself to assume that there is no chance of another female seeing me as attractive in any physical way.

 

That's kinda been the mindset I've been holding to since I was in my teens. Something happened last year that made me think otherwise, and for a time, I was probably more happy and confident than I've ever been. But it turned out I was wrong, and now I've fallen back into this mindset.

 

Exactly. Play to your strengths. So your short but look young, therefore you probably qualify as 'cute' and not 'ugly'. What else you got going for you? Are you funny? What do you do for a living? Ambitions in life?

 

Eh, I dunno. I'd like to think I'm more intelligent and mature than most people my age, but I don't really have any practical skills. I have a very snarky, sarcastic sense of humor (which is something I look for in a girl, as well, because I want someone I can "play" with and have banter with), but I find a lot of people don't respond to this well even though I only mean it in good fun, so I often hold back and stay fairly reserved. Right now, I just have a crappy part time retail job, doing the menial stuff that makes me feel pretty useless. I'm very interested in getting into audio/ video editing, producing, broadcasting, etc., but I don't know how to even get into a career like that, so I assume I'll never be able to get into something like that.

 

I agree with accepting shortcomings, but I disagree with relegating yourself to doing nothing about it. If you've identified a deficiency, then you either work to improve it, or improve something else to make up for that deficiency. Some of us start further down on the ladder, no doubt, but it's up to you to climb up in any way that you can.

 

Well, that's the thing, I'm trying to figure out HOW to improve myself, my appearance, etc., so that even though I'm not great, I'm the best I can possibly be. I don't know how to "change my look", or anything like that.

 

Prince is 5'2"

Voltaire was 5'3"

Andrew Carnegie was 5'0"

Toulouse-Lautrec was 4'11"

Wallace Shawn is 5'2"

Danny DeVito is 5'0"

 

 

It does not take height to be a Big Man.

 

Eh, again, the height thing itself isn't a huge thing for me. It's just another contributing factor to the whole "Everyone sees me as a child" issue. No girl wants to date a "little boy". The height is just one part of that. Like I said, I have a naturally young looking face. Heck, my voice even sounds "little kid"ish. I make YouTube videos in which I record commentary for certain video footage, and I always have to use an audio editor to lower the pitch of my recorded voice, because I sound like a five year old talking. Maybe that's just the recording quality, or something, but I wonder if that's how I really sound to people.

[CarrieT]

Eh, again, the height thing itself isn't a huge thing for me. It's just another contributing factor to the whole "Everyone sees me as a child" issue. No girl wants to date a "little boy". The height is just one part of that. Like I said, I have a naturally young looking face. Heck, my voice even sounds "little kid"ish. I make YouTube videos in which I record commentary for certain video footage, and I always have to use an audio editor to lower the pitch of my recorded voice, because I sound like a five year old talking. Maybe that's just the recording quality, or something, but I wonder if that's how I really sound to people.

 

Okay, I'm going to tell you about a really good friend of mine. He is 5'2" AND has an incredible baby-face. At 40 years of age, people think he is 20-something.

 

So, being short AND looking incredibly young, this guy has had lots and lots of women (including me).

 

How? He just has confidence and -- yes, it is true -- he started with prostitutes to get that confidence.

 

Now, at 40-ish, he is married (she is 4'11") and they travel the world with a sex-related travel business. He basically knows every country where prostitution is legal, has a PhD is sexology (so does his wife), and has a massive collection of "sex-related" paraphernalia. They live this life based on and all about sex in their business and as their hobby. And he is the most childish looking imp I have ever met.

[ScreamingTrees]

They live this life based on and all about sex in their business and as their hobby. And he is the most childish looking imp I have ever met.

 

You've piqued my curiosity.. Are the sexology courses hands-on?

[CarrieT]

You've piqued my curiosity.. Are the sexology courses hands-on?

 

It is a legitimate doctorate through the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.

[tbf]

You know I know what you look like, as you've sent me your pictures behind closed doors.

 

You don't need plastic surgery or leg lengthening or anything else of the sort. You're a good looking guy. What you need is a self-esteem.

Add another woman who thinks you're good looking, ScreamingTrees. That's my honest opinion.

[ScreamingTrees]

Add another woman who thinks you're good looking, ScreamingTrees. That's my honest opinion.

 

I don't even remember showing you what I look like.. How would you remember? Never mind, your honest opinion will not re-wire my brain to think as you do, I wish I could, believe me. Sending strangers unrepresentative cherry-picked photos is only lying to one's self. It can even be disputed that the face you'd seen was even attractive.

 

Mark my words.. I'll probably hit on a lass from love shack some day. I won't know that they've posted on here, of course.. Same for them. Sure, I'll see them, think they're cute.. I'll make my way over to them, they'll throw up in their mouth and swallow it before looking at me with disgust as they simultaneously burst out laughing at the balls that I have to even act in such an arrogant manner.

 

Any ugly guy you see could be a screaming tree, ladies. The sad part is, I'm not joking.