Need help on things

[backspn]

I need a few suggestions. My ex and I got into an argument about 2 weeks ago and then she left to go on a college tournament with her team. We went almost 1 1/2 weeks without talking to each other(the longest we have gone since we broke up 7 months ago). She broke the NC last Thursday morning to call and wish me a happy birthday and then that night we talked for about 45 minutes about our last 2 weeks. It was a really good time on the phone for both of us. Today is her birthday and I sent her a text and left a voice mail wishing her a happy birthday. She went home for the weekend for her party and she came back to campus last night and sat on AIM and didnt say anything to me...kinda strange since she usually does. I try not to make the initial contact (although sometimes I do)cause I dont want her to see me as needy. We havent talked since last Thursday and I am just curious as what I should do. She said she considers us good friends but she doesnt show it. Could she just be really busy? If she is...what is a few minutes to call and say hi? I need help on what to do.....we used to be real close even after the split.

[backspn]

She got on AIM 2 hours ago and put it on away as soon as she got on. I wished her a Happy Birthday on her away message but she never returned it. Then she puts it on another away message and says she is going out to a movie with some people for her birthday. Is she ignoring me? It sure feels like it? Any help or suggestions? Besides "forget her".

[toffee]

hi, Backspn! sorry you're going thru this. but, i know exactly how you feel.

 

since you contacted her last by sending the b-day message, i'd just lay off for awhile. give her a chance to reflect and miss you for awhile. i'm not saying don't contact eventually after a break. the decision has to be yours. how do you feel when you talk to her? how do you feel after you talk to her? i think these are 2 vital questions that need to be considered to determine whether you should continue to contact her.

 

blessings and best of luck!

[backspn]

I know that I wont get to be with her for a while but I still need to talk with her. When I talk with her my days go by easier and smoother. When I dont, I just feel so alone. Its not so much needing to talk with her but just being a part of her life. I gave everything I had to her for the last 3 years. She is treating me like a....Im not sure what she is treating me like but I know its not a friend. If I didnt love her so damn much I would tell her to f*** off.

[Lonestar]

No sorry, she's not really busy, she just doesn't want to talk to you. How many times are you going to wish her a happy birthday, backspn? You should have left it at the voicemail. She obviously doesn't want to respond. You gotta face that. Ignore her, and you know she'll try to contact you again, but you really shouldn't answer. Let her sit there and stew, stop being addicted to her. It seems she wants to keep some kind of control over you and she's doing a good job. Do you like being controlled like this? Of course you don't, so don't let her do it anymore.

 

If you don't apply no contact to this situation, you're going to go down hard without any dignity. Trust me... and it takes a long time to pick up the pieces of your broken self-esteem. The best thing I ever did during my divorce was no contact. It made my life much easier and didn't allow him to string me along anymore while trying to control the outcome, which would not have been in my best interest.

 

Oh and the away message about going out with people for her birthday was set to get a rise out of you. Can't you see that? For some reason this girl is enjoying f***ing with you. It's becoming a power trip to see how easy she can get you to react. I don't care how long you were friends. You're not friends now.

[Weird]

yeah man, don't contact her and don't press the situation. trust me. i know from experience that is NOT what to do.

 

Lonestar hit the nail on the head....keep pressing and feeling like she is the only thing that matters and after a while you look back and realize you acted like a chump. It sucks

[backspn]

Things are looking up for a change. She called me in between classes and she never does that. The last time we talked was 3 nights ago. She told me today that she just realized that the reason why she cant work on seeing anyone right now is cause she is not over the guy she dated after me. She said she is getting there and when she said that she cant work on seeing anyone right now...I think she meant me. So...its a long way from where I want to be but its a step in the right direction. I dont need her in my life right now....but I want her in my life right now. I told her that I had to drop off a few things and asked if we could talk later....and she said sure and we'd talk tonight. I think that once she gets over him hurting her.....then we can work on being real friends together and maybe more down the line.

[Weird]

ok lemme get this straight...

 

you were with her for a few years and right after you two broke up she dated some other guy for a couple months. She is now telling you that she can't get over that guy and you are buying into it? Man...

 

Dude, she is stringing you along.

[Scott S]

Perhaps you need to cultivate other friendships.

 

She still occupies a central part of your thoughts, it will be a lot more difficult to let go & move on, which is what you really need to do. She apparently has, & the sooner you do lkewise the better.

 

___________________________

 

If a man eats a plate of pasta & a plate of antipasto, do they cancel each other out, leaving the man still hungry?

[Lonestar]

In response to your PM from the other day, I'm posting my reply here. I tried to answer you by way of PM, but your mailbox is full.

 

backspn wrote on 27th September 2004 11:44 PM:

thanks so much for your honest opinion. You know that everyone needs one once n a while. We get so wrapped up in things that we dont see the good and only the bad. Hope you dont mind me asking you advice cause it really helps. So what I should do is just ignore her for the next few weeks or so? Should I answer her call when? She started the NC last time but ended it to wish me a happy birthday. This time I will start the NC...but how long should I go without alienating her? Thanks again for all your help

 

No I don't mind at all giving advice. Yes, you should ignore her. Stop signing onto AIM, or just block her from being able to see you if you need to get on for other people. Don't let her know anything you're up to. If she calls you, don't answer and don't call her back. You can't talk to her again until you get your self esteem back, and then you'll handle contact with her much differently. For now I'm going to give you a goal of three weeks no contact.. That means NONE at all. Come here and scream about it, but don't slip up, don't run into her, don't dial her phone number by accident, don't text her, don't IM her, nothing, and don't you dare respond to her, no matter what she says. Three weeks, backspn, and then see where you are at the point before making a decision. Make an honest assessment at that point with a clearer head.

 

Keep real busy from now until then, and do not warn her you're doing this. Just do it. Keep busy, read books, watch movies, go for walks, take up a hobby, anything.

[backspn]

It sounds like a plan Lonestar. And thanks to everyone else who posted. It seems like the worst for me but its just the way i write that makes it seem that way. I think for the first time in a LONG time that she is starting to see what she has in me. Where this goes?.....I dont know....but friendship would be fine for me now. I am not ready to get back with her anyways...I need time to myself....plus school is kicking my arse . Anyways...Lonestar....if I ignore her for 3 weeks wont that put a stress on what relationship we already have? I can feel myself moving on as it is but I dont want to alienate her completely. As weweregods said to me......"you have WANT her in your life...not NEED her". I dont think I need her anylonger.....as I did just a month ago....but I sure would love to have her in my life. I dont want her to end up hating me and never talking to me ever again. I know some of you will say thats the best for me....but its not what I want. Needing and wanting are 2 different things. I am not needy....I dont sit around waiting for her to call. When she does we talk...when she doesnt then she doesnt. I have started to talk to other girls in my classes and I am cultivating friendships with some of them as we speak. I still want my ex in my life though. If I do the 3 weeks......will she miss me? Or will she hate me for ignoring her? What do I say when the 3 weeks is over? "I was really busy...sorry"?? I find that weak and I hate when people do it to me. Im ready to take the next step but I want her to be in contact with me....I want her to miss me more than she does now.

[Lonestar]

She won't miss you unless you go away. It's as simple as that. Stop questioning everything, and you are being needy, very needy You just can't see it, but I'm looking in from the outside without the emotions you're feeling, and I see what you don't want to.

 

Don't worry about what she'll think if you don't contact her for three weeks. That's not the point. Do it to get yourself on more level ground emotionally... even the playing field, as they say.

[Weird]

I totally agree with Lonestar. You really need to listen to what we say because we are seeing it from the 3rd party view and trust us, you are acting needy.

 

Oh and chicks for some reason dig being ignored...it is like they see it as some quest to find out why the guy is ignoring them and are attracted to it. It's odd behavior if you ask me.

[backspn]

I agree...it is very odd. Im not going to give you a daily update....so be rest assured but she did call 3 times today and I didnt answer....hooah for me . She was on AIM too.....I have another acct that I talk with my friends with so she is not on this one and she doesnt know it. But I did notice her away messages and they said stuff like "Dammit....will someone please message me!!!". Has it started already? Let the games begin. I am doing this to get back on track and to also get her to realize some stuff. Hopefully I can accomplish this and keep the NC up....it will be tough.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by backspn

....if I ignore her for 3 weeks wont that put a stress on what relationship we already have? I can feel myself moving on as it is but I dont want to alienate her completely.

 

I think "Ignore her" is not quite the right idea.

 

More likely, it's "Back Off," give her the time & emotional space she wants. Be polite & friendly if & when you encounter her or she makes contact.

 

In other words, be a gentleman.

[backspn]

So do what Ive been doing pretty much? Dont call her......talk to her when she calls(which hasnt been much lately)and do my own thing? Ive been givinf her space and letting her breath. I respect the opinions of Lonestar, Weird, ScottS and al the others.....but I get conflicting answers. Some say do the NC, which I am going to do.........pretty much ignoring her for 3 weeks....and some say to just limit the conversations.....which I have been doing. When she calls I almost always hang up first, and btw she knows that I am doing this cause she now tries to get in the "I have to go now" after I just told her goodbye. I just feel that I cant get her attention without me being completely gone for a bit.

Original Quote from Lonestar:

She won't miss you unless you go away.

 

ScottS...will she miss me if Im still there whenever she calls me? Even if I take every other third call from her....will she start to miss me? I dont know the answer to that. The reason I post on this forum, and the reason why we all do, is because we are so confused on what is the RIGHT thing to do for us and the best chance to get our goal....which is being together with them again.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by backspn

So do what Ive been doing pretty much? Dont call her......talk to her when she calls(which hasnt been much lately)and do my own thing? Ive been givinf her space and letting her breath. I respect the opinions of Lonestar, Weird, ScottS and al the others.....but I get conflicting answers. Some say do the NC, which I am going to do.........pretty much ignoring her for 3 weeks....and some say to just limit the conversations.....which I have been doing. When she calls I almost always hang up first, and btw she knows that I am doing this cause she now tries to get in the "I have to go now" after I just told her goodbye. I just feel that I cant get her attention without me being completely gone for a bit.

 

 

ScottS...will she miss me if Im still there whenever she calls me? Even if I take every other third call from her....will she start to miss me? I dont know the answer to that. The reason I post on this forum, and the reason why we all do, is because we are so confused on what is the RIGHT thing to do for us and the best chance to get our goal....which is being together with them again.

 

Reading through the different threads, it appears you have a rather complicated situation.

 

You had said in one that you've been talking to each other regualrly since April, but this indicates that isn't the case, unless this is a recent development.

 

First, "No Contact" is something of a misnomer. It does not mean never contact, disappear, or pretend the relationship never existed, etc. unless circumstances clearly dictate doing so. It does not necessarily require ignoring her, disparaging her to friends & family, never responsing to her attempts to contact you, or generally being a d**khead. I'm not saying you're doing that now. I'm saying be careful not to fall into that pattern. The only thing that will accomplish is making you look silly.

 

Reading your other thread, it appears she does want a love relationship, the sort that lasts forever. Her issue is that she doesn't know with whom, & unfortunately for you, she does not have you on her "short list."

 

My advice again is to cultivate other friendships, & get your focus off of her & on to other things.

[Weird]

I second what Scott has said. If a person calls you then I think it is silly not to talk to them or to pretend you're not around, etc. Does that mean when they call you should just go into a 3 hour convo wiht them? No, unless you honestly want to. If she is calls and you don't want to talk to her or don't want her to keep calling then jsut tell her that. Say "I think it'd be best if you didn't keep calling me for the next little while"

 

Basically the no contact thing is you don't initiate communication. I just don't agree with people who say to pretend like you aren't around and avoid someone when you are around. It isn't being honest and honesty is the key.

[Lonestar]

I just don't agree with people who say to pretend like you aren't around and avoid someone when you are around. It isn't being honest and honesty is the key.

 

When someone is screwing with your head the way this chick is screwing with his, then he has no obligation to be honest to her as far as his business and whereabouts are concerned. Is he supposed to let her know that he's waiting for that phone to ring, but fighting picking it up when it does? Why should he pick it up? So she can f***k him all up some more after he pulls it together a little bit? How many steps back does backspn have to take for every step foward.

 

Backspn, maybe you should tell her that you prefer NOT to speak with her for awhile because you're tired of her games. Let her know that you're done and you want to be left alone to figure out what you want out of life, friendships, and relationships. Then start the NC. At least this way she has a heads up and you were "honest." You can respond to her attempts to contact you, but wait a day or so before returning calls, emails, etc. Find out what she wants, if it's not important, get off the phone, and let her know once again that you are not ready to talk. Don't initiate any contact with her at all. For instance, you said she phoned you three times today, and you didn't answer. That's a good thing, and I see no reason to return those calls unless she left a message about something important.

[Weird]

Well, I think it is silly to pretend to be doing something just to play with her mind. Who is acting more pathetic, the person (in this case the girl) playing mind games with him and stringing him along or the person (in this case the guy) pretending to be doing stuff he isn't just to fake her out? How is him doing that any better than her playing games with him?

 

You seem to think purposely not picking up the phone is a step forward...how? She will still be calling and he will still be thinking about it. All he is doing is being a chump to himself.

 

If he doesn't want to talk to her he can tell her that. Why can't people just be honest and direct? It is simple to do. If she calls and he WANTS to talk to her then he does. If he doesn't then he TELLS her that. Simple honesty.

 

There comes a point where a person has to take responsibilty for how they act/react and in this case backspin needs to do that. He is being strung along and he will continue to do so if he does the "ignore" game whenever she tries to contact him. Also, he will look back at it and see it was a 12 year old school girl type thing to do.

 

My advice backspin is to just tell her to leave you alone for a while. Unless of course you want to keep talking to her now. If so, that is your choice and you need to know if that is what you want you shouldn't be pretending to not be home when she calls. That is just another useless mind game that people on this site apparently think is the way to go.

 

It is funny....people on this site go on about how wrong it is for the ex to be playing mind games with people here yet they advocate playing the mind games (and play them themselves) to the people seeking advice. Love the hypocrisy.

[Lonestar]

You seem to think purposely not picking up the phone is a step forward...how? She will still be calling and he will still be thinking about it. All he is doing is being a chump to himself.

 

Yes, it is a step foward, because the longer he is away from her and not subject to her mind games, the quicker he will pull away from her. No contact is supposed to help him get his head together. If you don't like him "pretending" that he isn't around, how about he just doesn't pick up the phone because he doesn't WANT to. No pretending there. =)

 

Weird, I know how women work because I am one. You're all over the place with what you think from day to day. Like this post...

 

Oh and chicks for some reason dig being ignored...it is like they see it as some quest to find out why the guy is ignoring them and are attracted to it.

 

You realize that women respond to being ignored, and yet you're telling him to not play the ignore game with her. That doesn't make much sense to me. I can totally see wanting to be the bigger person and not play games at all. That would be the ultimate way to go if he honestly gave her the boot for good, but he isn't prepared to do that yet, and she is not going to stop the games on her end. You're telling him not to play games back, so does that mean he should sit around and take her punches like a "chump?" Does that make him a better person? Is he taking the emotional beating like a man now?

 

I'm trying to help him get his wits about him and see the reality of what's happening. You're pouring wuss fuel through his veins which is counteracting it all.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Lonestar

Does that make him a better person? Is he taking the emotional beating like a man now?

 

I'm trying to help him get his wits about him and see the reality of what's happening. You're pouring wuss fuel through his veins which is counteracting it all.

 

Our advice was not intended to weaken anyone.

 

It appears that Weird concurs with me that there is no value-added in mind games, whether initiating them or retaliating. The crux of this issue is that the object of backspn's affections no longer shares those feelings. Quite simply, she does not see him as the partner in the love relationship that she seeks.

 

The best hope is a platonic friendship, which may or may not be possible. If it isn't, then NC is probably in order. Otherwise not. My point is that nothing is gained by acting immature or being a jerk.

[Lonestar]

You're absolutely right, nothing IS gained by acting immature or being a jerk. I completely agree with you, especially if one want to maintain a platonic friendship. You're not understanding my point, so let's just agree to disagree. I also never said that "your" advice was intended to weaken anyone. In fact, I was talking to Weird (who I like and meant what I said in a humorous way) and hadn't referenced you at all.

 

I have read the things that backspn's ex is doing to him, the games she's playing, and the way she is stringing him along. He's hurting big time over it, and I wanted to help him to move on or possibly stand up to her. Believe me, when a guy finally stands up for himself, and puts a woman in her place, it has a HUGE effect on how she feels about him. It's a turn on for most women when they know they've been pushing that someone around.

 

Backspn, I wish you could do the NC thing here, but I know you can't at this point, but if you're going to keep someone in your life that is playing mind games with you, you're going to have to learn to play their game or you'll get slammed hard. In other words, get that person out of your life or pick up the ball and play. You can still play by the rules too. This is my opinion only, so no need to argue the point any further. I respect your views too.

[backspn]

Since my original post on this topic she has called me everyday, 3 times a day. The last 2 nights we have talked for over an hour each night. Not about us, I never mention us, she does that for me. We have been laughing and joking and teasing each other everynight and she keeps calling me, I am assuming it is to hear my voice and talk with me. I am not getting my hopes up and I am not making the first contact, in fact at the beginning of the week I was missing most of her calls......because I was truly busy....not cause I wanted to play games. I agree with both and I can see both sides. NC vs being friendly. I think you can do both on your own terms. I dont initiate contact and let her call me. I dont always take the call, cause Im not at her beck n call, but I do talk to her often. The last 3 nights have really been something of an eye opener to her. We have talked about hanging out together and she is talking more about us.....remember....I dont ever bring us up. Maybe soon I will when I feel the time is right to try again.....cause I know she wont ask me. Well....taking things slow and hoping for the best. All I know now is that she seems truly interested in talking with me and she must still have love for me if she keeps calling me for long periods like she has the last 3 nights. I mean....who would invest such amounts of time into someone if they didnt have some romantic feelings for them. She already is my friend and Im hers......but I want to take it to the next level....again.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Lonestar

You're absolutely right, nothing IS gained by acting immature or being a jerk. I completely agree with you, especially if one want to maintain a platonic friendship. You're not understanding my point, so let's just agree to disagree. I also never said that "your" advice was intended to weaken anyone. In fact, I was talking to Weird (who I like and meant what I said in a humorous way) and hadn't referenced you at all.

 

I know you were addressing his comments. I didn't know you were already acqaintances, though. The inside jokes are undoubtedly numerous. My apologies.