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Why do people resent me for being in a happy relationship

Woggle

By Woggle
in General Relationship Discussion

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I can't just throw my friends away and get new ones. They are not cars or old clothes. I don't treat people like that.

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Emilia Established Member

Emilia

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It just doesn't feel right dropping people who once let you sleep on their couch because experiences have made them bitter. I would feel disloyal.

 

I can't just throw my friends away and get new ones. They are not cars or old clothes. I don't treat people like that.

Misplaced loyalty Woggle. I agree with carhill that you could have that conversation with them. However, friendships end for various reasons, one can be that someone takes a toxic path. I agree that you should try what you can but after a while it's more of a codependent friendship than a real one. Perhaps they related to the old Woggle more but they haven't grown as much as you have? Perhaps they would like the old Woggle back?

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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I have some friends who are cynical about relationships.

 

You've got to be resilient enough to realize that the are speaking from their own point of view, and not from the point of view of Truth. Their truth is not your truth.

 

If you find it difficult to hear them vent without getting pulled down, then you need to be assertive enough to change the subject. Tell them you don't want to talk about marriage with them, because you don't want to catch their bad ju-ju. And then simply change the subject each time until they get the point that you seriously aren't going to discuss marriage with them.

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LittleTiger Established Member

LittleTiger

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I can't just throw my friends away and get new ones. They are not cars or old clothes. I don't treat people like that.

 

You don't have to throw your friends away Woggle, you just need to tell them that, if they can't and won't stop being so disrespectful of women in general, would they kindly leave any mention of your wife out of it - and if they persist get up and walk out! They will soon realise that you're serious and if they respect you and your wife they will do as you ask in the future!

 

Remember that you also need to refrain from mentioning her yourself during these conversations - even as a counter-argument against what they are saying about other women. If they are as bitter as they sound, you can't expect them to say 'oh well, of course, your wife is different/special' - even if you know that she is.

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candie13 Established Member

candie13

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I believe you have good old friends. It's just that, with time and experience, everyone evolves in different directions. You made mistakes, but chose to learn from those mistakes and not be afraid to love again. IMHO, this is what made you win at the lottery of love.

 

Your friends choose to listen to their fears instead of the partner they have near. It's safer, this way they cannot get hurt, since they won't ever open up, love, dream, dare to be vulnerable. This is why, no matter how much you talk to them, you may even convince them, but once they get back home, their life-long fears step in and they go back on automatic pilot: defensive, untrusting, cynical, etc.

 

I'm not saying you should ditch them. But accept that, just like you've grown and evolved, so did your friends. Just that in a different direction.

 

I believe the other posters are right when they say that you should draw a barrier, set up a firm territory on which they should not step. Emotionally, you're more evolved. So maybe you should not discuss your emotional fulfillment with them. Bond, talk about other things and simply mention that you are happy. If they need to vent, sure, lend them your ear, but don't allow anyone to say to know that "they know better". They don't :).

 

I have a few friends like that - as long as I was depressed and unemployed, they would stick around, listen to me, hang out, just be very supportive. The moment things changed, I've met my current bf and stopped being blue... they are less happy to see me. Seem more judgmental. I don't know, it's hard to have someone happy around, when you're miserable. MAybe because it shows one that they need to be active about changing that and that they still have a long way ahead of them.... most people are unhappy at least with regard to one are of their life... but they fear change more than their current unhappiness. This is why they appear stuck.

 

just... don't try to make anyone happy and for sure, don't apologize or think that there's something wrong with being happy :) !

 

cheers, mate!

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

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When I tell people I am genuinely happy with my wife and I have a happy and drama free relationship they look at me like I am some sort of freak. I have a friend who is a good guy but he tells me I am setting myself up for heartbreak by just assuming that she will always be as loving and loyal as she is now. Some people I talk to just assume that we will end in divorce. Are people really this bitter and cynical these days?

 

I can't speak for others, but I think it's lovely and I'm really happy for you. :)

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happydate Established Member

happydate

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I can't just throw my friends away and get new ones. They are not cars or old clothes. I don't treat people like that.

 

You don't need to throw them away. You don't discuss negative things with them. It is the negative emotions that will LOWER your positive emotions that keep you and your wife together.

 

And are you sure you are really friends with them? Good friends are about BEING AUTHENTIC. You are not authentic to them because you didn't say what's in your heart and that is, stuff they say hurt you. Instead, you chose to be a politician. Be careful what you do hear because being nice to negative people is exactly how the dark can penetrate into your clear loving heart. Yeap. Negativity is what brings positive people down until you can exercise free unconditional love.

 

If you have unconditional love, you should be the one to say to them. "Look guys, I think you guys are just being negative on this. Think it over alright about what you say next time as I don't appreciate the negativity from all of you!" This should be the authentic you. If they decide not to be friends with you, then you have your answer. Friends are about being real and authentic about it. Give you feedback on the good, the bad and the ugly. So many broken people tend to like to associate with non-genuine friends because they always want them to say the good minus the bad and ugly. That's not your real friends!

 

If you disregard expressing your authenticity, sooner or later when your wife squeezes you, your dishonesty will come out. The nice guy inside of you.

 

Like they say about an orange. If you squeeze an orange hard enough, out comes always orange juice and nothing else. When you are being pressured and in stress, out comes your non-authentic self. It's a turn off for women and surely will eventually fulfill your own prophecy, the prophecy of them saying that nice things won't last forever.

 

:laugh:

Edited by happydate
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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I am being authentic to them. I don't pretend to agree with them. I sympathize with what made them the way they are but I don't agree with it. I am just a very loyal person and I will not turn my back on them unless they do something I can't forgive. That being said I wish they would be happy for me instead of telling me they don't like how I changed.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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You don't have to throw your friends away Woggle, you just need to tell them that, if they can't and won't stop being so disrespectful of women in general, would they kindly leave any mention of your wife out of it - and if they persist get up and walk out! They will soon realise that you're serious and if they respect you and your wife they will do as you ask in the future!

 

Remember that you also need to refrain from mentioning her yourself during these conversations - even as a counter-argument against what they are saying about other women. If they are as bitter as they sound, you can't expect them to say 'oh well, of course, your wife is different/special' - even if you know that she is.

 

You could just tell them - "Yeah, you guys are right. I got the only good woman in the world, so unless you're willing to take a crowbar to me and court her after the fact.... you're just screwed. Stay single."

 

Or just tell them to stop dissing women/relationships around you because A) You are married and you like it. B) You are married to a WOMAN you like and are sick of hearing their bitter BS. C) If they want what you have instead of just dismissing it or resenting it, they'll have to get out their and stop presenting their bitter-ass attitude. It only says: "Hey! I have a ton of trust and emotional issues regarding women! I also resent women and view them as entitled and vapid! (Well, they might not say vapid)."

 

Guess who they will attract.....

 

"What's that, you think women are untrustworthy? Oh, well, then I won't disappoint you..... you knew the deal when we started."

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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I am being authentic to them. I don't pretend to agree with them. I sympathize with what made them the way they are but I don't agree with it. I am just a very loyal person and I will not turn my back on them unless they do something I can't forgive. That being said I wish they would be happy for me instead of telling me they don't like how I changed.

 

I think there's a difference between having an opinion and being almost an "enemy to the marriage."

 

I have one friend who is great at being a "friend to my marriage."

 

She is also married. She encourages communication, working things out and she keeps a great confidence. I admire her as well.

 

Some friends encourage you to duck or run or get out of a marriage when there is any kind of issue.

 

Those are not the friends you need when things are going generally well.

KungFuJoe Established Member

KungFuJoe

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Woggle,

 

Sounds like you need some new friends.

 

I understand loyalty and all...but it only gets you so far. If you find your friends holding you back in any way...time to let them go.

 

I've written off many friends in my time (including my best friend from all through high school and for over 20 years) because they didn't "grow up".

  • Author
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I just wish that the people I would take a bullet for would be happy for me instead of wanting me to stay bitter. One friend said that Hurricane Sandy screwed with me head because I stopped seeing things the way they really are.

  • Like 1
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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I just wish that the people I would take a bullet for would be happy for me instead of wanting me to stay bitter. One friend said that Hurricane Sandy screwed with me head because I stopped seeing things the way they really are.

 

If your happiness isn't a "reality" to them, maybe they should leave their own reality. Because it doesn't sound very fun.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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I just wish that the people I would take a bullet for would be happy for me instead of wanting me to stay bitter. One friend said that Hurricane Sandy screwed with me head because I stopped seeing things the way they really are.

 

Events like Sandy split people one way or the other:

 

They either gain a larger perspective, develop more gratitude and more compassion. Essentially their world expands.

 

OR

 

They realize they lost something, or couldn't control or guard it enough to feel safe. So they hunker down, and do everything to fight against any threat, perceived or imaginary. Their world shrinks and becomes a much scarier place.

 

The truth is we don't have control over much. All we can do in the end is count the things we were blessed with and do what we can to find happiness and help others find it too.

 

It sounds like your world got bigger, and they are trying to protect themselves from a threat that is not even current in their lives.

 

It's like being afraid to turn on the furnace in the basement to warm things because you think there might be a monster under the stairs. People who believe the monster is there are not going to just believe it if you tell them it's worth the risk to try going down the stairs. It's less scary in the end.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

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You can't make them be happy for you, or see things your way, but you can ask them to respect you and your marriage enough to drop the subject. And you can refuse to listen to their rants about marriage (either by changing the subject, or getting up and leaving).

 

If they keep pushing their views on you after you make it clear that you aren't going to listen to that one topic, then that topic is more important to them than your friendship. Think about that, and don't feel any regret walking away.

  • Like 1
happydate Established Member

happydate

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I am being authentic to them. I don't pretend to agree with them. I sympathize with what made them the way they are but I don't agree with it. I am just a very loyal person and I will not turn my back on them unless they do something I can't forgive. That being said I wish they would be happy for me instead of telling me they don't like how I changed.

 

It's hard to let go of the past when the future is uncertain. All of us are like that, but as we grow up spiritually and in wisdom so will our standards among others. Positive people naturally attracts to positive people. Eventually you will come to a crossroad and most people will do this. Do you pick your wife or you maintain loyalty with your friends. Sadly though, the prophecy of divorce always get fulfilled. Statistics never lie = 80% divorce filed by women.

 

Sometimes it's ok to let go of old friends. In return, you will gain new friends. The Universe operates this way. You can not have a fresh cup of clean water if the cup still holds dirty water right? If you mix clean and dirty water together, how can you expect clean water in the cup?

That's your answer.

 

Blessings.

Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

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It may be that you're friends are genuinely concerned that you are building you're wife up to an unrealistic standard.

 

That once you realize she's just human. That once she makes the big mistake, you two won't be able to handle that well. When you thought you had perfect, a fallible person won't do.

 

If all they are saying is that you're wife isn't "perfect" then they aren't bad mouthing her. They are simply reminding you of a universal truth about all of us without prejudice or malice.

 

The above was the circumspect answer. Here is the cynical one.

You're friends are @$$holes.

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