Worried About Wife’s Low Sex Drive

[darkrat]

Okay here is the situation. I am 43 and she is 47. We have been married for 16 years, have two children, etc. We have never been lovers who go at it 4 times a week. We have always been a once a week, 4 or 5 times a month type of couple.

 

We have gained weight slowly over the years and that kind of thing happens I guess. I have gained more. She will never admit that BJs have slowed down but I can imagine stuffing your face near my gut can’t be the most fun thing to do in the world. Luckily, I love her feet, and she lets me oil them up and she gives me footjobs from time to time.

 

The last couple times I have planned an intimate “session” with her it just has not worked. One time I took the kids to a babysitter and planned that we go to the Mexican food place near our house, eat, drink, and then come home for a nice long evening in bed. She changed this by suggesting we go to a different restaurant further away and basically spent an hour searching for a movie for us to go see, killing any chance at a long, intimate night as we had to pick the kids up. She has almost always been fine with “quickies” in the bedroom. Basically, she bends over on the edge of the bed, we **** and that’s it. It’s basically been like this for many years.

 

I have wanted a long, 2 hour, love making session for about 3 years now and can’t get it. The last couple months I think she is slowly entering pre-menopause, which has made the situation worse. She has always said that us sleeping in separate beds has a lot to do with it. With my weight gain and snoring, I was kicked out of the bedroom 5 years ago.

 

Sometimes I will get a BJ but vary rarely. Here is what happened on my birthday. We went to Disneyland. As part of my birthday present I opened up in the morning it was a pair of long underwear boxers. She gave me that look! She loves sucking dick while I wear those long boxer underwear. In fact, that is the only way she will suck me. Why did she buy me new ones on my birthday? Was a birthday BJ coming?

 

Throughout the day she grabbed my butt a couple times and flirted. We even left Disneyland early. I actually told her that because we were tired she didn’t have to suck me and I offered to give her a nice long foot massage and **** her that night. I even went out got take out food (on my birthday) and brought it home for everyone. She knew what we had planned that night and told the kids they could stay up late with us. She basically told me no, and that she was not in the mood. We had an argument last night and of course the person wanting sex is always wrong. I mean, what am I going to say?

 

Today she emailed me telling me that she still struggles with her dad’s death (he died in April 2012) and she has underlying sadness about him. I assume this is her excuse for not wanting to have sex. It didn’t look like she was thinking about her Dad last night so this confuses me.

 

Anyways what do I do here? Lose a bunch of weight and make myself more desirable?

[xxoo]

Anyways what do I do here? Lose a bunch of weight and make myself more desirable?

 

Sounds like a good place to start! Beyond appearance, a person who takes care of him or herself and makes an effort to be desirable is more attractive than a person who doesn't.

 

If she isn't attracted to you, she isn't going to want the 2 hour love fest. She'll want to "scratch the itch" and move on.

[BetheButterfly]

 

We have gained weight slowly over the years and that kind of thing happens I guess. I have gained more. She will never admit that BJs have slowed down but I can imagine stuffing your face near my gut can’t be the most fun thing to do in the world.

 

Lose weight please.

 

My husband takes pride in his appearance and I frankly thoroughly enjoy his appearance. He turns me on and yeah many women are visual too. I am. It's possible your wife is too.

 

Physical fitness really helps make many actions more enjoyable, including sex.

 

The last couple times I have planned an intimate “session” with her it just has not worked. One time I took the kids to a babysitter and planned that we go to the Mexican food place near our house, eat, drink, and then come home for a nice long evening in bed.

Ok, for me this is a problem. I prefer making love when my tummy is sleek and not full. My husband understands this and even though he seduces me many times after we eat, I personally feel my best and sexiest before eating. So, you might want to change up date night. Instead of starting with Mexican food, which is very filling and does not (at least in my case) make me feel sexy, start instead with a dancing class or going on a romantic walk or something action-oriented. Or, go to a hotel with a bottle of wine and rose petals. Bring massage stuff and give her a full body message which can lead to sex. Learn the art of seduction!!!

 

Don't eat until after making love... that's my personal advice. It's so awesome (in my opinion) to make hot passionate love with my husband, and THEN eat together, then cuddling together and watching a movie in each other's arms.

 

She changed this by suggesting we go to a different restaurant further away and basically spent an hour searching for a movie for us to go see, killing any chance at a long, intimate night as we had to pick the kids up.

That's one of the issues. Your dates are basically friendship dinners and movies. Not romantic or sexy at all.

 

She has almost always been fine with “quickies” in the bedroom. Basically, she bends over on the edge of the bed, we **** and that’s it. It’s basically been like this for many years.

Please learn the art of seducing your wife, and she needs to learn the art of seducing you.

I have wanted a long, 2 hour, love making session for about 3 years now and can’t get it.

Why?

 

The last couple months I think she is slowly entering pre-menopause, which has made the situation worse. She has always said that us sleeping in separate beds has a lot to do with it. With my weight gain and snoring, I was kicked out of the bedroom 5 years ago.

Oh yeah menopause is scary, from what I've heard. You two can still have this love making session though... where there's a will, there's a way. It's importantthough for both people to have the will to make that happen. I think you need to tell her how important this is to you and ask her if she's willing to make love with you for a long session and what does she need in order for that to happen?

 

Sometimes I will get a BJ but vary rarely. Here is what happened on my birthday. We went to Disneyland. As part of my birthday present I opened up in the morning it was a pair of long underwear boxers. She gave me that look! She loves sucking dick while I wear those long boxer underwear. In fact, that is the only way she will suck me. Why did she buy me new ones on my birthday? Was a birthday BJ coming?

 

Throughout the day she grabbed my butt a couple times and flirted. We even left Disneyland early. I actually told her that because we were tired she didn’t have to suck me and I offered to give her a nice long foot massage and **** her that night. I even went out got take out food (on my birthday) and brought it home for everyone. She knew what we had planned that night and told the kids they could stay up late with us. She basically told me no, and that she was not in the mood. We had an argument last night and of course the person wanting sex is always wrong. I mean, what am I going to say?

 

Today she emailed me telling me that she still struggles with her dad’s death (he died in April 2012) and she has underlying sadness about him. I assume this is her excuse for not wanting to have sex. It didn’t look like she was thinking about her Dad last night so this confuses me.

 

Anyways what do I do here? Lose a bunch of weight and make myself more desirable?

 

I am so sorry about her Dad. I do think that the death of a loved one can make a person sad for awhile.

 

Yes, lose weight.

 

Learn the art of seducing your wife.

 

Make dates based on romance, not on things you can do with a friend (Dinner at a restaurante and going to the theatre can be done with a friend or family member.) Spice your dates up!

[annaballerina]

i have to say something about the weight. i do agree it is so important to take care of yourself. not only to take pride in yourself but also for your partner. it shows you want to look good for them. you also get maximum sex when youre in good health.

that all said....

when you love your partner you just want that connection. id give anything for that. i dont give two iotas that my hubby has a gut. id gladly suck him because itd be shared pleasure. im maybe in the minority but im still attracted to him despite him putting on weight and having a big middle. hes the man i fell in love with and married. physical appearance woukdnt stop me from being with him if he had wanted me.

[Nyla]

i have to say something about the weight. i do agree it is so important to take care of yourself. not only to take pride in yourself but also for your partner. it shows you want to look good for them. you also get maximum sex when youre in good health.

that all said....

when you love your partner you just want that connection. id give anything for that. i dont give two iotas that my hubby has a gut. id gladly suck him because itd be shared pleasure. im maybe in the minority but im still attracted to him despite him putting on weight and having a big middle. hes the man i fell in love with and married. physical appearance woukdnt stop me from being with him if he had wanted me.

 

This is what my husband says about me. We have both gained weight since we got married and most of my weight goes to my stomach. Of course, having a liver tumor as well as taking medication which causes weight gain does not help.

 

My husband and I have a wonderful sex life despite the weight gain.

[dichotomy]

I agree - loose the weight. You want to be around for your kids weddings and grand kids right?

 

But just one thing - and I speak from experience - sex and desire in long term marriages is complicated. Care for kids, age, change in view and feelings, familiarity, cooking and cleaning and on and on - affect sexual desire. And it applies to both of you as well, If she put on weight, or her health or body is changing.... my point is just loosing a bunch of weight may not help you get alot more BJ's.

 

So if you go into it solely for that reason, you may be disappointed and mad when she does not drop to her knees, after you lose 40 lbs. Please go into it (weight loss) with a bunch of reasons why it could be good for you.

Edited May 14, 2013 by dichotomy

[regretting]

Snip

 

She has always said that us sleeping in separate beds has a lot to do with it. With my weight gain and snoring, I was kicked out of the bedroom 5 years ago.

 

 

Go to the doctor now... Like yesterday. Request a sleep study. Weight gain and snoring are signs of possible sleep apnea which, in my case, had I not found out about it, could have proven fatal. Not trying to scare you but get it checked.

 

Also request a test for hormone levels. As we men get older, Testosterone levels drop which can also be a factor in weight gain. Weight gain is a Major factor in snoring and sleep apnea.

 

Just fyi, about a year ago I started testosterone injections. Took about a month for me to feel a really big difference. One morning I woke up, looked in the mirror and realized who I saw looking back wasn't me. 60 pounds overweight. Joined a gym and started losing but not as much as I should have. Found out the weight stopped coming off because my severe sleep apnea wasn't allowing my body to recover from workouts.

 

Bottom line, take care of yourself and everything else should fall back into line. You'll probably find, as I did, that when you start losing weight, your wife will want to join you at the gym

[secretlady76]

Losing a bunch of weight is going to do nothing if you're not mentally turning her on. You could be an adonis but if you haven't mentally connected with your wife, you're in for a dry spell my friend.

 

The smallest of things can totally put a woman off. Not paying her attention, not listening, scratching your arse while you sit on the sofa, you name it, they put women off.

 

Also, there is nothing worse than 'planned' sex. It's almost like you're setting yourself up to fail. How on earth do you know she's going to be 'in the mood' then?

 

Also, don't whatever you do blurt out "Hey babe, fancy giving me a blow-job?' that so doesn't work for women. There are occasions to treat her like a whore and throw her about a bit, but some of the time, they don't appreciate it.

 

I'd back off, like totally back off. Women love a bit of hard to get. If she tries to kiss you, give her a quick peck but nothing else. Give her a bit of 'I'm not in the mood'. For some bizarre reason this seems to work. Don't make yourself too available. It's human nature to desire things that are just out of reach. Put yourself in that place.

 

The other thing to try is to get all sexy with her not in the bedroom. Pin her against the kitchen units. Nice bit of passionate kissing, push yourself against her, so she can feel you hard against her body. Be all manly.

 

If that doesn't work then you may have to start considering whether there is something more fundamental wrong between the two of you, or if there is any resentment she holds towards you, or something that may be making her hold back sexual intimacy with you.

 

All the best