cloudy902 Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Hi everyone. I am 25 and have been married almost 3 years. My husband has given me increasingly less emotional and physical intimacy over the duration of our marriage. He spends long hours at work, studying, or at the gym. He is a hardworking man with wonderful morals but I felt so left out. Sex was non-existant, as was cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding hands. There was hardly any verbal communication as well. All of this got really bad around January of this year. In March I told him I wanted a divorce if he would not try counseling. He told me he did not want the divorce, but the intimacy did not improve. He wouldn't go to counseling either. By July I told him I needed a separation to clear my mind and I moved in with a family member. Since I moved out I began an emotional and physical relationship with a friend/acquaintence of mine. He provides me with the intimacy I was looking for, a very sweet man who wants a relationship with me. As a matter of fact, we've been carrying on as though it is a relationship by and large. I saw my husband this weekend. He claims that he does not want a divorce, but he still won't go to counseling and doesn't call me to say hello or ask to spend time with me. He does not know about the other man, but most likely has suspicions. Out of nowhere, when we haven't kissed since January, he grabs my face and with mouth open shoves his tongue down my throat. It was disgusting and I felt very odd after so much time without physical contact. He seriously doesn't understand subtlety and it seemed to be his attempt at intimacy. I do not want to be divorced for religious reasons, lifestyle reasons, and most of all because I do not want to hurt my husband. It seems that he does not want to be divorced but does not know how to give me what I need to be happy and isn't interested in counseling to help him learn. In retrospect I regret becoming sexually involved with the other man, but I can not change the past and I definitely have love for him. I guess what I'm writing to ask is, do you think that my marriage can or should be saved and that intimacy can be re-installed? Can I grow to not be repulsed by my husband? (He is a very attractive man, but he is a lousy lover. I thought I could deal with this for life but I discovered what I was missing.) Neither of these men are perfect, just different. My husband is the type to make sure I am taken care of monitarily, while the OM is more attentive to my feelings and emotional needs. Will I hurt my husband more if I let him go, or if I confess my affair in an effort to repair this marriage? I was my husband's first everything and feel so much regret at the thought of throwing that away. He is an intelligent, driven man and together we looked extremely successful from the outside. Its hard to give those dreams up, but I do not want to stay married for the wrong reasons. Thank you all for your advice. I know that what I have done is wrong and am making my best effort to do what is right. P.S. We have no pets or children. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Cloudy, Well to begin with (and I'm not trying to be an a**hole okay) but you say you don't want to get divorced because of religious reasons, life style reasons, and added in there that you don't want to hurt your husband.... but you have been engaging in an extra marital affair with someone else.... and while I'm not even going to say if this is right or wrong... don't you think that you having this affair WILL hurt your husband? If your believe (because of religion) is that you shouldn't be divorced (again I'm not saying I agree with this, I'm divorced) BUT I'm pretty sure that your religion also says that you will not engage in an extra marital affair right? What are your husbands reasons for not wanting to go to counseling? Is this (the sexual or intamacy needs) not being met? Is it possible (because you've said that he is a lousy lover) that he feels insecure being with you in that way, because he feels that from you? Have you expressed to your husband how you feel regarding the non intimacy between the two of you? There are even a lot of excellent books that can be found at Barnes and Nobel on this subject... If you're willing to try that route. At this point, even if there wasn't any other issues involved in the marriage besides this one.... now you've got an affair brought to the table.... So I guess I'm saying that if divorce really isn't an option for you, then stop the affair, and get into the marriage with your hubby.... Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 How romantic The kiss was disgusting because you were your husband's "first everything" and apparently you are a lousy teacher. You don't teach him what you want or need, so he doesn't know what to do, so he just doesn't do anything. I'm very disappointed in you for not trying. The only problem in your marriage, is that your phyiscal needs aren't being met. If this is a deal breaker, you shouldn't have married him in the first place, but since you did, and you said yourself that you love him, I think you owe it to him to at least try. And how rotten of you to have an affair, when there's a chance you two could get back together. You just made this big mess worse! You obviously have a small want to get back with your husband, or you wouldn't have posted this. What do you mean, "Get back with him for the wrong reasons"? What reason is more right than LOVE! You wouldn't be getting back with him for the physical thing, but the love! My husband and I have a rocky intimate relationship, because we were both really inexperienced when we got together. I thought it was because we were too different. After a year and a half, though, the sex between us has gotten MUCH MUCH MUCH better, because we worked on it. Sometimes intimacy doesn't come naturally like it does in the movies. Get your head out of the dark, and get back with your husband! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudy902 Posted September 27, 2004 Author Share Posted September 27, 2004 Hi Merin, as I said I know the affair part is wrong but it happened and I can't change it. But I can actively decide to get a divorce or not. I am human, and without any intimacy for a year I did things that I never thought I would do. I am trying to figure out if it would be better to admit to my husband what is going on and give it a try (when it doesn't seem that he's trying much at all) or spare him the pain of knowing this affair happened and divorce him. Which is worse, having your spouse cheat but want to work it out, or getting a divorce? I would never cheat while pretending to be in a happy marriage. We are separated, we are both clear that we are contemplating divorce, and while it may not be right I think there IS a moral difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudy902 Posted September 27, 2004 Author Share Posted September 27, 2004 Monday, Its a lot more than physical intimacy. Its mental too. I can't do physical without mental. And I've tried to give him pointers on kissing, but I used the "shoving the tongue down my throat" as an example of how dysfunctional the intimacy level is. He literally grabbed my head and came at me wtih mouth open and tongue out. After not touching for more than 9 months. I'm not perfect, but neither is he! I gave him fair warning that I needed counseling or at least for something to change, and he did nothing. I didn't post here to play the blame game. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 And did you stop to think that maybe he doesn't want to cuddle and kiss you, because YOU are a lousy lover too??? You two need to work towards talking to each other about your physical needs!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Good point on the blame game thing...my apologies. There's more here than just him not being intimate. He's afraid to go to counselling, because that's admitting that he has a problem, and he doesn't want to be the problem. Does he look at porn? Sometimes a man and too much porn bring the intimacy level down a LOT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudy902 Posted September 27, 2004 Author Share Posted September 27, 2004 As far as I know he does not view porn, I've never found any in the house or seen any evidence. And I do'nt think he's had any affairs. Thanks for the apology Monday. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Originally posted by cloudy902 Hi Merin, as I said I know the affair part is wrong but it happened and I can't change it. But I can actively decide to get a divorce or not. I am human, and without any intimacy for a year I did things that I never thought I would do. I am trying to figure out if it would be better to admit to my husband what is going on and give it a try (when it doesn't seem that he's trying much at all) or spare him the pain of knowing this affair happened and divorce him. Which is worse, having your spouse cheat but want to work it out, or getting a divorce? I would never cheat while pretending to be in a happy marriage. We are separated, we are both clear that we are contemplating divorce, and while it may not be right I think there IS a moral difference. Cloudy, I'm not questioning if this is morally right or wrong... that isn't for me to decide. I was just pointing out that you had said for relgious reasons you didn't feel that a divorce was really optional and that you didn't want to make your hubby unhappy.... Only you really know what the situation is, and if the marriage is salvagable or not. I'm saying that IF you feel that it is worth trying again and divorce isn't an option regardless of the reasons... then the affair has to end, and hubby has to be willing to work at this... Not placing blame. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 Merin is really good at pointing out contradictions Which is helpful, because a contradiction can cause confusion, which causes advice to not be taken seriously. What do you want to do, cloudy? Would you prefer to get a divorce and be done with it, or would you prefer to try again with your husband? Are you going to be able to give up your Other man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudy902 Posted September 27, 2004 Author Share Posted September 27, 2004 Merin, Cloudy, Yeah the religious thing is a contradiction. I guess I feel that I know human beings sin and I just want to do the best I can now. I don't want to make two mistakes (affair, divorce) if I can just make one (affair) and salvage the marriage. I think that God will forgive me if I try my best from here on out. I'm not a super-religious person though I do have faith, but my husband is very religious and a divorce would be shameful for him and his family, that is part of my consideration as well. Its so hard to explain. I do not really want to be with my husband, but I do not want to let him go. Does this make sense? And that reluctance to let him go tells me that I should try to save the marriage. It tells me that I'm not ready for it to be over. But I know that salvaging the marriage means never seeing the OM again, and it means coming clean about what has happened. And I am afraid that my husband will hate me, that he will tell our families and they will hate me, or that I will do permanent damage to my husband where he can't trust or love again. If that is the case, I'd rather divorce him without mentioning it and suffer on my own, even if I truly do love him, I'd rather miss him than mess up his chances at happiness. Its hard though because he does not give me much to miss. We don't engage in much conversation as hard as I try. He always was shy & quiet which I thought was very endearing at first. But he became more self-centered and introverted as years went on and I began to feel SO alone. We have no children (rightly so, I wouldn't bring them into this) and he didn't want to get pets because they would "mess up the carpet" so I was left in a serile, quiet home that felt empty even if he was there with me. I do not want marriage with him if it is going to go on forever as it has been. But can it change, is it worth possibly breaking his heart and trust by admitting I've been sleeping with someone else to have the chance? The "OM" is very intuitive emotionally and physically. He knows how to gauge my reactions to give me what I need in both respects. I think I am good at that too, I think that is what makes a good lover (emotionally and physically.) My husband has always been very self-conscious and no matter how hard I tried, could never relax fully it seemed. He would never share secrets with me, be laid back, or be adventurous in the bedroom. It has always been difficult for him to lay back and enjoy "receiving" sexuality, he is very concerned wtih pleasing but it takes the fun out of it. He's inhibited and even after 3 years of sex he still seemed nervous. He claims to have never masterbated even, just totally out of touch with his sexuality. Just to explain how things have gotten to the current state. I'm also afraid that I'm staying only out of fear of hurting my husband, disappointing my family, etc. Maybe I just think the grass is greener on the other side and once I got back with him and worked on things I would once again be lonely. I would miss the new man terribly, that is a fact. He deserves better than this, too. He wants to be with me and from what I can tell it is not a case of "wanting what you cannot have." It seems sincere. Some of my friends say that an option is getting back together wtih my husband and not telling him about the other relationship. They say that it will do more harm than good to tell him, and since we were separated I can let it go. Your opinion on that? But, most of my friends think that my husband is somewhat dysfunctional emotionally and was not giving me what I needed, and think I should move on. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted September 27, 2004 Share Posted September 27, 2004 When a situation is this troubled, you need to get out the big guns: <URL removed> ! And please check out the section on Overcoming Sexual Aversion: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html This is by far the best discussion I have ever seen on what causes sexual aversion in marriage, and how to overcome it. (Both parties have to want to do it.) And BTW, I truly do understand how desperate you can get when you are not receiving those physical and emotional attentions that you want/need. It is crazy making. It ain't an excuse, but it surely is an explanation. As far as the disgusting kiss goes...I believe that it is your husband's attempt to re-establish "intimacy" and/or re-mark his territory (you). It's sad that he doesn't realize how far off the mark this is. You two sound like you never really became able to meet each other's needs. I am sure that your husband has needs which you are not meeting. Monday had no right to accuse you of being a lousy lover. I see no reason to assume that you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cloudy902 Posted September 27, 2004 Author Share Posted September 27, 2004 Thanks SoleMate for your thoughtful post. I'll look into those sites. Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted September 28, 2004 Share Posted September 28, 2004 Life goes by so quickly, and as far as I know, it doesn't offer any do-overs. IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE HAPPY! If you don't think that he can truly make you happy (and only YOU know that), then find someone who can and enjoy life. Link to post Share on other sites
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