Married man broke my heart

[goneundone]

Okay, this is my first post on this site, though I have read many threads here over the last 6 months. The last 6 months have been a whirlwind of emotions, here's my story.

 

I was dating my ex-BF for about 9 months. I was forcing myself to endure him, even though I was sure that the connection wasn't there. Then one week he brought his married friend (MM) over to work on my house. I had met MM before and was definitely attracted to him but that was it. While MM was at my house doing some contractor work, we stayed up hours and hours talking each night, and we suddenly felt a deep connection. An electric spark. The first time I touched his hand we were in trouble. I felt our connection was rare and undeniable, and had never met anyone else like him. Then he left home to his wife and kids. I missed him.

 

I immediately started talking to my BF about our differences and was honest with him about not feeling a connection to him and tried my best to explain the reasons why. This wasn't a new thing, me and BF had been dealing with our differences throughout the whole relationship.

 

A couple weeks later, MM was back working on my house again... then a couple weeks later (Christmas) we secretly met at a hotel on the coast.

 

I broke-up with my BF, not necessarily because I expected to be with MM, but because the deep connection I felt with MM was greater than anything I felt with BF, and I wanted to let BF off the hook since I knew he could never have my heart.

 

MM lives a couple hours away, and we continued talking for hours during the days. He got a secret phone. He stayed at my house for weeks at a time multiple times and our connection grew deeper and deeper. We both agreed that we were soul mates. He made excuses to his wife that I was paying him to work on remodeling my house, or that I had friends in my town that was going through remodeling. He saved up money from his other jobs to bring back to her as proof that he had been working. Our love grew deeper. We started telling each other that we love each other and couldn't live without each other, and that we were madly in love and wanted to be together forever. He said that he wanted to marry me, and give me a family, and protect me and give me security and love forever. I tried to be very reasonable about the consequences and we talked about what would happen if he got a divorce. We talked about money, the kids, how the family would feel, all the consequences, the pain, the anger, all the heartache, and changes. A couple times we tried to cut off communication with each other.. and it usually only lasted a couple days until he called me to express his love for me and that he couldn't live without me and that he couldn't function without me.

 

I fell deeply in love with him. He was my soul mate. We communicated deeply. He was strong, a protector, sensitive, communicative, he was a man's man and I felt like I belonged to him and that we were created to love each other and find each other. We thought like each other, our sense of humor and tastes were the same, we both enjoyed being in the wilderness and camping, had the same likes and dislikes.. etc, etc. I thought he was truly my soul mate, but I was sad knowing that I had to let him go. As our relationship got more intense, it got harder and harder for him to go back to his family. We both felt depressed. His wife didn't care how long he was gone (even knowing he was at my house), and she just cared about him bringing home money. His wife did not show affection to him, and their sex life was almost nothing. MM expressed to me that our connection was greater than he had ever felt with his wife, and that I brought out the best in him and was able to love and appreciate him deeper than his wife ever could.

 

Well he has three boys, age 9, 12, and 16. So 3 weeks ago, MM and me tried to cut off communication for once and for all because we knew it was the right thing to do. For two days I sat in my house sobbing and grieving our true love lost. Then he called me and said it was impossible to let me go. That's when it happened.

 

He couldn't handle the lies anymore and he told his wife that he had fallen in love with me and that he wanted a divorce. She went crazy, they've been married for 17 years, and together for 25 years. (MM is 44 and I am 32) I was absolutely shocked that he told her and I was not expecting it and was trying to let him go. After he revealed our affair, his entire family got involved, the moms, the uncles, etc. My name got smeared all over the place, because he never told his wife about the deep intense connection we shared and the extent of our emotional intimacy. He never told her that he wanted to marry me, and have a child with me, and start a family with me and take care of me. So for about a week and a half, his family went through horrific despair from exposing the affair. They even told their children that he had an affair and they were getting a divorce (she made him). She didn't let go, she kept fighting it. He kept telling her he was sure that he wanted a divorce. He kept telling me that he loved me and he needed to move me to his town so we can start a life together. We knew it was going to be a long, hard road, but he had done the ultimate to prove his love for me, and now I vowed to support him and his children. And I was prepared to be the 2nd wife, the "step-mom," and I was prepared to deal with his wife (soon to be ex). I loved his family because I loved him and I literally felt heartbreak for the heartbreak of his wife. Even if she never accepted me I would always be kind and show respect for her, especially in front of the kids.

 

So this past Friday, I was talking to him around 4:00pm and he told me the same thing. He loves me, he wants me to move to him, and that he wants a divorce even though his wife was willing to take him back and begged him to stay.

 

....... 4 hours went by... and he called me again. But this time he was sobbing. He told me that he still had feelings for his wife and that he couldn't see me anymore. My heart dropped and I was shocked. We got off the phone relatively quickly because I told him never to call me again. But then it set in and I wanted some answers. I went crazy and called him a bunch of times and text him. He didn't call back that night. I sobbed all night long, I woke up with a swollen face. He had called and left a message that morning. I called him back and it took him hours to call me again. When I talked to him, he apologized for everything he had done, he told me he still had feelings for his wife, and that he couldn't see me anymore. He couldn't cause everyone so much pain, including me. He told me I deserve better. He told me he wanted to try and work it out with his wife. He told me we couldn't see each other and this would be the last time we talked on the phone. I was sobbing. Trying to understand how he could instantly just throw me away like trash after everything we had been through. I was blindsided. He threw me away in an instant and ripped out my heart. The last thing I said to him, while sobbing was FU. I hung up, blocked his number, and haven't called him since. It's only been 3 days. My heart is broken.

 

It's not that I'm necessarily angry at his decision, as I always anticipated having to let him go. I'm angry at what he put everyone through. I'm angry at how he led me on until the last minute. It's how he changed his mind in an instant and threw me away like our love and my heart meant nothing. Like what I was willing to sacrifice and offer to him meant nothing.

 

My heart is utterly broken into pieces.

 

If you actually read my whole story thank you. I'm not sure what responses I will get, but thanks for reading.

[Goodbye]

I'm too tired to have much advice. I just want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. It is a long, tough road recovering from the loss of love in this situation. Going through it myself. Hang in there and take care of yourself the best you can.

[goneundone]

Thanks Goodbye for your kind words. I'm sorry that you are going through this too.

[Goodbye]

Are you sure he is telling you the full truth? That there was really a d day? That his wife really does know the story?

[CarrieT]

I felt our connection was rare and undeniable, and had never met anyone else like him.

This is what stuck out to me.

 

GoneUnder, you have know idea how many of us believe what we have felt for another is "rare."

 

I'm sorry to burst your bubble - but there is a reason to do so - but your connection was not rare at all.

 

It happens a lot and like Lady Grey said, the sooner you can come to terms with the fact that it is over, the sooner you can begin to heal and move forward - and learn that the feeling is possible to have again, with another.

 

With my "rare" connection, I ended an 11-year relationship. The flurry and honeymoon period didn't last (they never do, you know), and the ending of THAT relationship is what brought me to LS.

 

Now, several years later, I am healed and have moved forward and am actually getting married.

 

Take the time to heal and go NO CONTACT completely. Post here often and we will help you through the hard times. Soon you will be much better...

[goneundone]

I know that most things he told me were true. We were really very close. And I know for a fact, because when he told the wife, the wife called my xBF who introduced me and MM. Well that's when my name got smeared... xBF was very angry about me and MM and decided to twist anything he could about my past to make me look bad and smear my name. Not to mention.. xBF harrassed me for a few days. Also.. I was with MM when MM called xBF and told him not to contact his family anymore and that xBF was making it worse and that MM was going to have to tell his kids.

 

The reality is.. I think MM was 95% honest with me. I think when he was faced with moving out, and being away from his kids, and his wife using the kids to hurt MM, everything came crashing down on him, and I ended up taking one for the team.

[thomasb]

I was sobbing. Trying to understand how he could instantly just throw me away like trash after everything we had been through. I was blindsided. He threw me away in an instant and ripped out my heart. The last thing I said to him, while sobbing was FU. I hung up, blocked his number, and haven't called him since. It's only been 3 days. My heart is broken.

 

It's not that I'm necessarily angry at his decision, as I always anticipated having to let him go. I'm angry at what he put everyone through. I'm angry at how he led me on until the last minute. It's how he changed his mind in an instant and threw me away like our love and my heart meant nothing. Like what I was willing to sacrifice and offer to him meant nothing.

 

My heart is utterly broken into pieces."Quote

 

 

If you feel this way after a few short months, imagine the pain times all the years, almost 20 you imply, for his wife. He has loved her for that long and now has to live with the fact that the love in her eyes will never shine quite so bright for him. It is replaced with unimaginable horror at the fact that the man she loves has been porking some chick. How do I know... I did the same. Never regretted anything so much in my life. My advice. Leave them alone. Concentrate on getting yourself healthy.

[goneundone]

The hard part is accepting that it's really over. I can't believe he told his wife! I thought for sure that he was making the ultimate sacrifice because he couldn't live without me. I keep thinking about all the times we broke it off and then he called back. But something about the way he told me it was over.. he actually seemed calm about it and he is usually very emotional when we talk about NC. he was calm, like it was a relief that he had made this decision. I think through all of this he realized that he still did love his wife, and she deserved a second chance to treat him right. It's all very sad.

 

In a way i'm relieved that I am not breaking up a marraige. But in a way, I'm secretly hoping that he will make it right and come back to me.

[goneundone]

Yes, when we discussed the divorce, I always asked the question "if she found out and wanted to give you a second chance, would you stay?"

 

I have left them alone and have been as graceful and real as possible, always pushing MM to make the right decisions. I told him if he's having bad feelings about the divorce, then he shouldnt do it. If he isn't 100% then he shouldn't do it. It's like I've been a martyr in a sense. Throughout the affair there have been two of me. The woman in love with him, and a woman who cares for his family. I offered very much perspective to him coming from a divorced family myself.

 

When this first started and I was discussing with my friend the pain of having to let him go. I told her, if in the end, I have helped him to have a better relationship with his wife, then I am okay with that... well looks like I already knew the answer back then. She said, play with fire get burned.. and she always knew the answer too. I'm completely burned.

[goneundone]

And I realize our relationship was only half a year, and his marraige was 17 years. We always asked ourselves how we could fall in love "so deeply" in such a short time. We always tried to think how it would be once the "honeymoon" phase wore off. We both believed what we had was rare and special. He told me he had shared things with me that in 17 years of being with his wife, he had never been able to express. I was basically his personal marraige counselor... with benefits. I guess I'm a fool.

[goneundone]

Well then maybe she should have treated him like she was in love with him, instead of arguing, undermining him in front of the kids, and only caring about how much money he earned. Yeah it's a scar on the heart.. But so is living in an unfulfilling marriage like a zombie and losing yourself for the sake of others self absorbed actions. It's not like I went into this knowing anything that would happen. Only when I was already in it deeper then i should have been experiencing the heartbreak of him leaving me each time, did I say that if in the end, if this helped the marriage then at least all my heartbreak wasn't in vain.

[thomasb]

Please,

Don't kid yourself that you were any sort of marriage counselor to him! Any you both hurt his marriage and his wife and children in ways that will forever change all of their life paths. And if you truly cared about them you wouldn't have been banging him in the first place. I realize why people have to put this sort of spin on things to make themselves feel better about themselves and their actions and how horrible they really were. But until you face up to it you cannot heal yourself and prevent this kind of destructive and repulsive behavior in your future.

[ComingInHot]

goneundone wrote, "... and his wife using the kids to hurt MM, everything came crashing down on him, and I ended up taking one for the team."

 

gone, I understand you are hurt. I know you feel betrayed. I can see how you want to find someone other than MM & yourself to blame, to make the "obstacle" standing between you & MM.

 

As hard as you try, the victim/s in this tragic story are the ones not ever given a choice as to whether they wanted to be part of the A you & MM decided to have.

 

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but I think if you take responsibility for Your actions and the part you played in the devatation and pain of so many innocent people, that it may help you move forward.

 

Some may say you deserve what you get. I don't believe that. I believe you deserve a second chance. A chance to address & fix the things w/in yourself that will enable you a healthier, happier future*

When the time is right, you will find the Right, Single man for you and he will treat you like the princess you'll have become!

[goneundone]

WE BOTH cried in each others arms for hours at a time faced with this situation we got ourselves in. Yes, obviously he loves his wife and children more, yes we effed up, yes I will leave him alone, yes I understand I am nothing compared to his family, but at the same time he broke my heart and I believe he was getting a divorce and I was giving up my own chances at having my own family to support him and his family. Seriously people, I'm an educated woman and I know the reality of things and him and I discussed the reality of things throughout the relationship... Except now I'm a bit wiser and I know the true reasons WHY one shouldn't be involved with a married person. Because all it does is cause pain. Just sharing my story.. Just sharing my pain here... And the pain of everyone involved in the situation. Ya'll don't need to act like I meant to cause pain or I think I'm feeling more pain then his wife would. That's why I'm on the "other woman" forum.

Edited May 14, 2013 by goneundone

[Charlie Harper]

I am going to be blunt but what the heck.

 

Your MM had his balls cut off by his BS.

 

Maybe he really wanted to Divorce, but he lacks the extra effort to go through it, dont feel bad a great majority of GOOD guys who get into an A will never leave the kids, family and wife. The bad thing is that he is suffering as much as you and he will be dead inside, for living in a loveless marriage.

 

Concentrate on healing yourself and dont worry if you like and TRY ther will be someone special out there for you, there is no such things as SOULMATES its just an illusion.

 

Remember focus on yourself and let go...

[goneundone]

At what point does it seem like I want to blame others for our mistake? At what point do I say that I am more important then his wife and children? Never. He made the right decision whether my heart is broken or not... I was only shocked at his instant "change of heart" (which I realize may not have been instant from his perspective). So I shared my story.. Not sure why everyone thinks I want to cause harm to his wife and family or why everyone thinks I don't know the extent of the harm our affair has caused. I always knew the right thing for him to do would be to stay in the marriage so not sure why everyone thinks i think differently. It was a whirlwind of emotion and for the first time I felt separated into two people.. The woman that loved him, and the woman that knew he should protect his marriage and family. Anyone else experience those two feelings at the same time?

[goneundone]

Charlie Harper thanks for saying something that actually addresses the reality of the situation. I posted here cuz I thought I wouldn't be butt raped by people telling me how wrong I was. Anyways.. Peace out people. Enjoy posting.

 

He is suffering and he is dead inside, the only reason he stays in the marriage is for his kids. So he will find happiness in that.. But what happens then? Then he's 55... Kids are gone and he's left with a woman he fell out of love with long ago.

 

Good luck everyone.

[ComingInHot]

Hey goneundone,

If my post upset you, I'm sorry. I used your words to help you not harm you. It's SO day to lose clarity when the see of emotions are washing over us every other moment.

 

Tell me (if you want), what are you doing to take care of you?

It sounds like you have taken quite an emotional beating from others hearing of your A.

Don't forget to eat, sleep and lean on family for support*

[whichwayisup]

It comes down to this. You both put yourselves in a painful situation by having an affair and getting serious, having deep feelings. It sucks and everybody got hurt, including innocent people. 17 year marriage, 25 year history together, 3 kids and a life built with his wife vs a 6 month affair. I'm not minimizing what he felt for you, but that's A LOT to give up for the unknown.

 

You two knew one another in an affair setting, no real test out in the real world, and I'm sure this has much to do with his decision to stay with his wife and kids. He does love his wife, he just got very emotionally attached to you, throw in the affair dynamic and honeymoon phase, it messed him up. And you as well.

 

Focus on letting go and accepting it's over. Rely on your family and good friends to help you through this and respect NC. NC for you means no new hurts..Not a way of hoping he'll miss you enough and come back to you. He's made choice..you make yours by choosing to grieve the loss and get him out of your heart.

[whichwayisup]

Charlie Harper thanks for saying something that actually addresses the reality of the situation. I posted here cuz I thought I wouldn't be butt raped by people telling me how wrong I was. Anyways.. Peace out people. Enjoy posting.

 

He is suffering and he is dead inside, the only reason he stays in the marriage is for his kids. So he will find happiness in that.. But what happens then? Then he's 55... Kids are gone and he's left with a woman he fell out of love with long ago.

 

Good luck everyone.

 

You need to hear it all, even if it hurts and the advice is tough love. Trust me, right now you're raw and hurting so take a few days then come back and re-read your thread. Ignore outright rude and mean posts, and focus on the well thought out replies and ones that actually are trying to help you. Many on here, both OW and BS CAN help you, but you have to be willing to 'hear' people and not take stuff personally. Most on here give advice from their hearts, even if it comes across harshly, they do care.

[goneundone]

I understand. Thanks for your posts. I just don't understand why some posters think I am denying my responsibility or that I think that my 6 month relationship deserves more than his 25 year relationship. Yes, it screwed us up, more so his family. I was prepared to let him go and then he couldn't handle it and told his wife he was in love with someone else. Yes I think it put things in perspective for him.. The unknown and giving up the life he built with his family. I guess I just got defensive because some people assume I don't know the effect this has on his family. Yes I do know. I didn't at first.. At first it was innocent.. And we knew we had to let go.. But then it got heavy quick. It's hard for me to take advice from posters who take my intentions out of context or take my true feelings out of context. But I will still read them and take away the positive things. I am broken hearted but I've never believed my future is dead. I am a soldier and this is life and I will learn from this and overcome.

[So happy together]

I understand. Thanks for your posts. I just don't understand why some posters think I am denying my responsibility or that I think that my 6 month relationship deserves more than his 25 year relationship. Yes, it screwed us up, more so his family. I was prepared to let him go and then he couldn't handle it and told his wife he was in love with someone else. Yes I think it put things in perspective for him.. The unknown and giving up the life he built with his family. I guess I just got defensive because some people assume I don't know the effect this has on his family. Yes I do know. I didn't at first.. At first it was innocent.. And we knew we had to let go.. But then it got heavy quick. It's hard for me to take advice from posters who take my intentions out of context or take my true feelings out of context. But I will still read them and take away the positive things. I am broken hearted but I've never believed my future is dead. I am a soldier and this is life and I will learn from this and overcome.

 

On this forum, there are certain people who will pick apart what you've done and, in an effort to 'help' say all the wrong things. Take what helps, ignore the rest.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope that you are doing what you can to take care of you. Now is the time to focus inward. This break up is as painful as any other, and you'll go through the stages of grief and loss. Just allow it to happen, and make sure you are okay. Chin up.

[So happy together]

I'm sorry, sweetheart. You were played. Please don't over think this. You were played. It's not love, it easy sex. I'm sorry.

 

You don't know this, and it's hurtful.

[SunshineToday]

Sometimes the truth hurts and we need to be told so we can take control of our lives.

 

OPs story has been told 1000Xs over on this board, MM working in her town away from his family, love love stars roses future faking lots of attention and SEX, special love like no other blah blah blah-- suddenly his wife finds out and he has a chance-- a real chance to declare that undying love and grab that future he happily pillow talked w/his OW--AND HE STAYS with his wife. And goes NC with OW.

 

As sorry as I am she is hurting, I think she can only heal better if she hears the cold hard sorry facts of what most MM do.

[So happy together]

Sometimes the truth hurts and we need to be told so we can take control of our lives.

 

OPs story has been told 1000Xs over on this board, MM working in her town away from his family, love love stars roses future faking lots of attention and SEX, special love like no other blah blah blah-- suddenly his wife finds out and he has a chance-- a real chance to declare that undying love and grab that future he happily pillow talked w/his OW--AND HE STAYS with his wife. And goes NC with OW.

 

As sorry as I am she is hurting, I think she can only heal better if she hears the cold hard sorry facts of what most MM do.

 

While I agree it's okay to let her know our opinions, I don't think it's okay to simply pull from the sky the 'fact' that her MM didn't love her, that it was all sex. NOBODY knows that. So don't say it. Sometimes, even when it's over, it helps to know it wasn't all for nothing. And it wasn't. She was happy with him for a while, it gave her happiness at the time. Don't take that away from her, making her think he lied about his feelings when you just don't know.