Married man broke my heart

[goneundone]

Okay well we shall let this go for now.

 

I do understand what you all are saying, no matter how hard it is for me to accept. This is why i will never be the OW again.. as if my life depends on it. It's alot easier to let someone go knowing they really don't want to be with you then to let someone go thinking they really do want to be with you. It's kind of like brainwashing??

 

I live alone. My time is filled with work, coming home, drinking a little vodka, thinking about going to the gym, cooking dinner, occasionally going to my local "Cheers" bar, taking care of my cats, trying to get motivated to finish remodeling my house so i can sell it, planning a new business, hanging out on loveshack.org while i have insomnia.

 

Speaking of insomnia.. I had it lastnight. I imagined MM in bed with me, cuddling, like we used to. I imagined him snoring, which he had a moderate habit of. We used to take turns spooning eachother throughout the night.

 

A girlfriend of mine told me not long ago.. that hearing snoring in her bed, or in the house, comforted her.. and she was grateful for having someone there snoring, to take care of. I thought of that lastnight and missed it. I imagined me and MM together, sharing our love. I imagined he was thinking of me at the same time.

 

I know it's so very pathetic. But I believe in grieving to overcome and release. I do believe we have to grieve to accept and move forward. I am grieving. And I know you all are telling me he is a liar.. which he is. But I am still greiving.. and very lonely.

[goneundone]

Thank you all for your help, you have really given me perspective. I will be on this site for a while. I already appreciate all of you who bothered to post, even if i didn't like what you had to say.

 

And please forgive my longhand writing. I have not memorized all the abbreviations you use, and I actually thought I was reading a different language when I first signed on a couple days ago.

 

Just remember, that we create our reality. Thoughts become things.

[truthbetold]

I do know she neglected him. She didn't care that he was at my house for weeks at a time "working". She knew I lived alone. She knew my ex-boyfriend. Yes MM lied to BS and told her that I was hardly there but she knew where he was over 80% of the time. MM would call BS in front of me.

 

What woman let's her husband stay at another women's house, out of town multiple times for weeks at a time..without wondering what's up? I couldn't believe it. I told MM how on earth doesn't she know?.. or expect?

 

From what he told me (which you may consider a lie).. when he went home after being gone for over a week.. she would give him a kiss on the cheek. Like it was no big deal. Is this what people have to look forward to after 17 years of marriage? Jeez.. if I treated my man like that I would expect him to cheat on me.

 

Since I've been through all this I've been polling people about their marriages... most people who have been married for a long time are very unhappy. I have met only a couple people who still have the twinkle in their eye after 10, 15, 20 years of marriage. What's the problem here?

 

There is a disconnect here. You said that she knew you lived alone, true enough but you also said he told her you weren't there the majority of the time. It would be different if you would have said he also told her in front of you that you were there and she didn't care. I also don't think she just greeted him with a kiss on the cheek. I think that would have been for your benefit.So I don't think with the info he provided her that you can really prove that she didn't care when you even admit he lied to her.

 

Regarding jobs and being gone weeks at time. What about the contractors that were called to LA for Hurricane Katrina, or more recently Sandy? And they're away from their families for weeks at time. I really don't think the majority are screwing around on their spouses and if people do assume that, it's a shame they're so jaded by life. What about the soldiers that want nothing more than to return to their spouse? Not everyone cheats. And some have to make a living away from their spouse it's just the way it goes. I'm so blessed I don't have to deal with that, but I respect people who do what they have to, and especially those that serve our country.

 

And yes, to answer your question I do know of several couples 25+ years still in love, still have "date nights". I guess it's all in who you surround yourself with. I wish I would have met my husband 20 years ago, but that apparently wasn't the plan as I think we would have grown well together and to have 50 years plus would have been awesome! We both have the same world view and do not tolerate infidelity and safe guard the marriage from such, it's called having boundaries. No my husband's and my first marriages to others did not work out. I came from abusive situation and his ex wife left him to raise their daughter, both our ex's are a mess to this day.

 

My husband and I are approaching 8 years so below your time frame, but I see nothing changing in our love in 2, 5, or God be willing 30 more years.

 

But love for us is a verb, not just a feeling. And it takes work in the form of nurturing. It's a conscious decision to get up each more and "decide" to love this person. When you make the decision that you are in it for better for worse and all that it actually makes it pretty damn great. Like you both have the same vision and work towards it because it's so cool to reap the rewards from putting forth the effort.

 

But Owl is right. It would be best for you to take care of you now. Find who you are and be happy with that, embrace that and find that happiness from within.

[CarrieT]

Does anyone know anyone that has been married for 15+ years who are still happy and in love? Does it exist?

I am approaching 50 and know lots of people who have been married -- and faithful! -- for 20, 30, and 40 years.

 

My fiance's father and mother divorced when he was around 20. His father had been having an affair with his secretary and the divorce was to marry her. My fiance was very, very upset about for years but now, after 30+ years of marriage, he has accepted his step-mother and they all get along well.

 

I am also friends with a couple who were high-school sweethearts who just celebrated their 50th year together -- with NO affairs between them and (I know for a fact), still a very active sex life.

 

 

Yes, it is still possible.

[goneundone]

You guys are right. Screw this guy. He used me and lied to me and I believed him and then he threw me away like nothing.

 

Day 5 NC. Having trouble staying focused at work. Wish I could get more sleep. Have a good day everyone. Thanks for helping me see the light.

[waterwoman]

Once you had an affair you become aware of cheating and betrayal. Those that have cheated see signs of cheating very easily. Those that have never cheated do not see the signs as you do. It takes someone that has been in extramarital affairs to be aware of the signs of cheating. The wife simply trusted her H.

 

Yep! No reason to be distrustful before.

[waterwoman]

Good luck goneundone. Chin up xx

[stillafool]

I do know she neglected him. She didn't care that he was at my house for weeks

at a time "working". She knew I lived alone. She knew my ex-boyfriend. Yes MM

lied to BS and told her that I was hardly there but she knew where he was over

80% of the time. MM would call BS in front of me.

 

I don't think it's neglecting him to let him go to work. Afterall they do need money to survive and his wife believed him when she said you were hardly there. She also knew you had a boyfriend. She never imagined that your relationship with her husband wasn't innocent.

 

What woman let's her husband stay at another women's house, out of town multiple

times for weeks at a time..without wondering what's up? I couldn't believe it.

I told MM how on earth doesn't she know?.. or expect?

 

He has to work. You are supposed to be able to trust your husband to do the right thing. She does the right thing why shouldn't she expect the same from him. Lots of men work out of town and are faithful to their wife and kids.

 

From what he told me (which you may consider a lie).. when he went home after

being gone for over a week.. she would give him a kiss on the cheek. Like it

was no big deal. Is this what people have to look forward to after 17 years of

marriage? Jeez.. if I treated my man like that I would expect him to cheat on

me.

 

It's normal for the AP to trash the BS in order to deal with their guilt. If she were that bad he would be over at your house now not back with her. She does have kids to take care of so poor him that she can't give him every minute of her time.

 

Since I've been through all this I've been polling people about their

marriages... most people who have been married for a long time are very unhappy.

I have met only a couple people who still have the twinkle in their eye after

10, 15, 20 years of marriage. What's the problem here?

 

My husband and I have been married for 16 years and are very happy. We don't have kids but we know couples who do and are very happily married beyond the 10th year.

[goneundone]

Get yourself angry girl! The more you focus on all the negative crap the easier it is to get out of pain!!

 

Atheist, you are so right. I think today is the first day I started getting truly angry about how he treated me instead of trying to be understanding of him and believing everything he told me about his situation. Thanks to EVERYONE who has responded to my posts, my eyes have been forced open to see the reality. The reality is, even if everything he told me was true... He disrespected me and his wife. When I put aside the "deep connection," "soulmate," lovey dovey bull, he did an awful thing. He hurt me, disrespected me, threw me under the bus, did not protect me, lied to me, tricked me, and left me alone in an instant like i am a useless inanimate object. He made many people suffer because of his selfishness. I feel really sorry for his wife and hope that they can find happiness together after his betrayal.

 

If he decides to break no contact I will be clear that he should never contact me again, and if his love is true then he must back it with actions... i.e. get a divorce, move out, and put closure to his marriage. Only then would I ever give him a second chance.

 

However, I have a feeling I was used, and he will never leave her, and I will never talk to him again.

 

Hell yeah I'm angry!! Time to move on to bigger and better things and stop moping round about this jackass. Thank god it was only six months of torture. I feel so sorry for those who endure this torture for lengthy periods of time, all in the name of love, hope, and trust.

[goneundone]

HOLY CRAP! Just as I was writing a post about SILENCE. He just called and broke NC! OMG. My heart started racing, I got butterflies, and I couldn't believe it. Pierre you were so right!

 

So.. Shoot, I've got him right where I want him now. Not that I want him if he's married. I didn't answer. Here is his message:

 

"Hey OW, this is MM. Umm.. I was just calling to see how you're doing and uhh I've just been thinking of you and umm just wanted to talk to you.. allright.. bye."

 

He said this very slowly, very solemnly, and by the time he said bye he was practically whispering.

 

Soo.... thoughts anyone?

[Charlie Harper]

If you answer the phone ir break NC, you will RE open the wound. Did you like the pain? well if you like the despair, pain and sadness by all means answer break NC and keep going blindly into the unknown...

 

You are a great person you deserve better.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am hopeful you have not answered him at all. Remain silent. honestly if you knew it was him you shouldn't have listened to the voice mail - even that alone is enough to start healing all over again. But if you have, delete it and do not respond. Or better yet, get it saved somewhere just as proof in case you need it that you didn't break nc - he did.

[Used mistress]

I have read your story and it is very similar to mine. I too am heartbroken. My man said he was going thru divorce and he even got me an engagement ring. It felt so real. The promise of marriage and a ring. How much more real can it get. I am going thru the no contact and it is hard because of the love I thought we shared I have that little spark of hope that he will one day call. I know I need to prepare myself because if he ever did contact me if I did cave and fall for him again I know that the next time he dumps me will be even harder to get over him. When we first got together a couple weeks into the relationship he said he will not call or contact me for 10 days to think. He wanted to be sure he was making the right choice. When the 10 dAys were up he was back in hot persuit of me. I wonder when he said that there will be no spending for 2 months and if I understood what he meant does that mean he is leaving the door open? I won't know til then. Anyways hang in there and I hope we can support each other thru this crazy time

[goneundone]

I haven't called him back. However, since I am in love with this man and was emotionally distraught the last time we talked, I will call him to verbalize my boundaries: I loved you, I trusted you, and you broke my heart and abandoned our relationship. Unless you can back your words with actions, and put closure to your marraige by finalizing with a divorce, I will never speak to you again. I am moving on because I deserve a man who truly loves me and will never let me go. Goodbye MM.

 

I know most of you don't even think I should say that. But I need to, as a way to move on. I need to I lay out my rules clearly and concisely on his communication with me. Then he will know that unless he follows through on his words and proves his love for me, I will never talk to him again. In a sense, I feel like I need to say this to him to take my heart back to bring closure. I want him to be clear of my intentions.

[goneundone]

I won't return his call unless he calls again. Then I will state my boundaries. Knowing what I do now, I will never be involved with a married man again. I am too good to give myself to a man who is emotionally and physically unavailable. And I know this to the core of my being. But I need this closure to move on. I didn't get any that day he suddenly changed his mind. Me telling him this will bring me closure.