Anxiety froze me again

[iplaymybassinthesun]

I was at a bar with my younger brother recently. I hadn't seen him in a while but I wanted to talk to him about the upcoming stag party I'm throwing for him. He's getting married in about six weeks.

 

He and I are close and we get along well. Naturally the conversation drifted and he asked me if I was seeing any girls lately. I told him no, that the two 'long distance' relationships I had (in 2001-02 and 2003-06) are still the only two women I've ever connected with. Many (including me) wouldn't even consider these relationships. So I told him, no, I'm still trying to figure out how to make an intimate connection with a woman on any level.

 

I've been talking big about changing my lifestyle once and for all, because I feel at 30 years old if I don't make a change now, I may lock myself into this type of celibate existence forever. He told me I'm immature, not in a bad way, but nonetheless, and I agree with him.

 

As the drinks flowed, he pointed out one or two girls at the other end of the bar that had been looking our way. He alluded that I should go talk to one multiple times. Each time he repeated, I felt the anxiety building in my chest. I wouldn't even look over. Finally I actually heard myself say, 'please stop, I can't....I can't'....I can't do this now, I wasn't planning to do this...please, I can't'....it's like I lost control, like someone was about to throw me off a cliff....and I didn't even get a good look at this girl. In frustration, my brother said 'I'm sorry, I'm only trying to help.'

 

But I was mortified...I couldn't believe it. When push comes to shove, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. Approaching a woman gives me as much of a rush as someone being pushed out of a plane with no parachute, it just FEELS physically uncomfortable, like I'm having a heart attack...and I haven't even seen what she looks like! Nothing else in my life gives me anxiety like this. Hell I'm a musician who has played confidently in front of hundreds.

 

As we left the bar, I remember thinking, 'wow, for all I talk, maybe I just don't want it like I think I do, maybe I'm stuck in a safe comfort zone, socially and emotionally immature as the day I first noticed girls as a boy. Am I too old now to fix this? Should I just latch onto the next (1st) woman who shows me an interest?' and on and on like a broken record...

 

My life is actually pretty good. I just can't seem to get my physical needs met, never have, and occasionally become obsessed about it, on nights like this when I'm in my apartment in a little town with no social opportunities for a 30 year old. Pretty much this is just a vent.

[Weezy1973]

If it's just physical needs, I wouldn't worry about anything. Keep on keepin' on. But, I suspect it is more than physical needs. If it were just physical, you would not have any anxiety.

[coffeebean201]

I hope you have a really good summer.

Can you have a goal of maybe meeting/talking to 3 news girls a month this summer?

And slowly improve your skills:)

[iplaymybassinthesun]

@weezy1973 I'll do my best to keep on. Like your Shins reference on the bottom by the way.

[iplaymybassinthesun]

I hope you have a really good summer.

Can you have a goal of maybe meeting/talking to 3 news girls a month this summer?

And slowly improve your skills:)

 

Sounds more than reasonable as a goal, I just need to find out where they are. I've never just walked up to a woman I thought was attractive cold before.

[King_Crimson]

Do you have any friends in your friend circle who are single/you're attracted to? I find it easier to connect with women who are friends or friends of friends... kind of takes the pressure off (I've never in my life approached a random girl at a bar or anything like that).

[iplaymybassinthesun]

Do you have any friends in your friend circle who are single/you're attracted to? I find it easier to connect with women who are friends or friends of friends... kind of takes the pressure off (I've never in my life approached a random girl at a bar or anything like that).

 

At the moment I don't really have a friends circle. There are friends I see in passing, who post on Facebook replies, acquaintances among local musicians, and friends of my brothers, but I'm not close with any of them. The only people I feel close enough to confide in is my brother, my father and a friend who lives in another state who's going through a nasty divorce. In other words I'm operating in a 'cold market'. The only two ways I can see meeting women is by approaching strangers cold in public, or online. Maybe women sense I'm a reluctant loner and head for the hills.

[King_Crimson]

At the moment I don't really have a friends circle. There are friends I see in passing, who post on Facebook replies, acquaintances among local musicians, and friends of my brothers, but I'm not close with any of them. The only people I feel close enough to confide in is my brother, my father and a friend who lives in another state who's going through a nasty divorce. In other words I'm operating in a 'cold market'. The only two ways I can see meeting women is by approaching strangers cold in public, or online. Maybe women sense I'm a reluctant loner and head for the hills.

 

There's no 'confiding' needed here. You're telling me you don't have people over once in a while (friends/acquaintance/whatever you want to call them), or go out to other people's places to hang out? Ask them to bring some girls along so you can get better around women, or go to these parties and try mingling with a group of people/friends that has women. Just be a gentleman and relax; don't take it too seriously.

 

Who knows, maybe one of these girls will dig you man.

 

What instrument and music do you play by the way? I've been playing for years myself.

Edited May 14, 2013 by King_Crimson

[iplaymybassinthesun]

There's no 'confiding' needed here. You're telling me you don't have people over once in a while (friends/acquaintance/whatever you want to call them), or go out to other people's places to hang out? Ask them to bring some girls along so you can get better around women, or go to these parties and try mingling with a group of people/friends that has women. Just be a gentleman and relax; don't take it too seriously.

 

Who knows, maybe one of these girls will dig you man.

 

What instrument and music do you play by the way? I've been playing for years myself.

 

Yeah unfortunately the last time I had anyone over my apartment besides a friend visiting from out of state was back in November for my birthday. I play music/jam with a friend at his house or so, but the past couple years I haven't hung out over someone else's house besides my dad's more than a couple times. I used to have a bit larger friends circle, but the whole circle imploded, from relationships ending, drama, drugs, eviction, unemployment, people using each other, etc. I was on the outside. I was busy handling my mother's cancer and later her estate when she died. I couldn't relate to people with relationship drama. Those friends have drifted away. Right now I have a few good friends out of state, but nobody at the moment who I can really call to hang, or who can bring women over. I'll admit the routine and comfort zone suck! I work, don't make a lot of money, come home, and so on.

 

I play bass now, I played drums for a long time. (bass is less equipment to drag around!) I've played in metal bands, rock, blues, country, jazzy, everything but bass for a hip-hop band, which I would actually love. I gig out maybe once a month these days.

[King_Crimson]

Yeah unfortunately the last time I had anyone over my apartment besides a friend visiting from out of state was back in November for my birthday. I play music/jam with a friend at his house or so, but the past couple years I haven't hung out over someone else's house besides my dad's more than a couple times. I used to have a bit larger friends circle, but the whole circle imploded, from relationships ending, drama, drugs, eviction, unemployment, people using each other, etc. I was on the outside. I was busy handling my mother's cancer and later her estate when she died. I couldn't relate to people with relationship drama. Those friends have drifted away. Right now I have a few good friends out of state, but nobody at the moment who I can really call to hang, or who can bring women over. I'll admit the routine and comfort zone suck! I work, don't make a lot of money, come home, and so on.

 

I play bass now, I played drums for a long time. (bass is less equipment to drag around!) I've played in metal bands, rock, blues, country, jazzy, everything but bass for a hip-hop band, which I would actually love. I gig out maybe once a month these days.

 

Cool man. I play guitar, bass, and piano myself. I like to play folk and rock music mostly and I usually play solo. Really helps clear the head, especially when you're down in a rut like this.

 

Do you have a car? Maybe try online dating? I did that back when I was down like you are now and it helped me get some dating experience. The key to online dating is to not take it too seriously and to grow a thick skin fast, because you will get rejected 90% of the time. I used okcupid but match.com might be better for you (I'm a fair bit younger).

 

Other than that, meetup groups can be fun. There are date nights for singles... maybe give them a try? You have to try to get out more and not stay home dwelling on this.

 

Furthermore, you've posted like 6 threads on this same subject man haha. The responses are going to basically be the same everytime. If you're unhappy where you live and stuff maybe you should consider relocating or changing your surroundings somehow if possible. Usually, being depressed because you're alone is more a product of accumulating factors not exclusive to love and companionship and whatnot.

 

Just my 2 cents dude!

[iplaymybassinthesun]

Cool man. I play guitar, bass, and piano myself. I like to play folk and rock music mostly and I usually play solo. Really helps clear the head, especially when you're down in a rut like this.

 

Do you have a car? Maybe try online dating? I did that back when I was down like you are now and it helped me get some dating experience. The key to online dating is to not take it too seriously and to grow a thick skin fast, because you will get rejected 90% of the time. I used okcupid but match.com might be better for you (I'm a fair bit younger).

 

Other than that, meetup groups can be fun. There are date nights for singles... maybe give them a try? You have to try to get out more and not stay home dwelling on this.

 

Furthermore, you've posted like 6 threads on this same subject man haha. The responses are going to basically be the same everytime. If you're unhappy where you live and stuff maybe you should consider relocating or changing your surroundings somehow if possible. Usually, being depressed because you're alone is more a product of accumulating factors not exclusive to love and companionship and whatnot.

 

Just my 2 cents dude!

 

LOL yeah. I agree it's a bunch of factors not just the one thing. Maybe I should try online dating again although I do have a thin skin so perhaps I should work on that 1st. I haven't played solo, maybe some open mics will thicken my skin. Same with the meetup groups. After my brothers wedding next month I plan to look for relocation possibilities, not just for personal reasons but for career and schooling and music. Connecticut isn't really awash in opportunity in some ways. wish me luck!

[bob the brave]

I can tell by your posting you are smart and have a good way with words (are you a writer?), really understand yourself and people in general. That will work loads in your favor when talking to girls. You already have a lot more than most guys who do it regularly.

 

I like coffebean201's answer. Baby steps.

 

Anything you can think of ask directions, advice in a supermarket, whatever. Do simple, noncommital type things first. But do it in high volume until the anxiety quells, than step it up a notch.

 

At some point when you really want to kick in the afterburner try this. Tell her a joke or wait till anytime she is laughing, look at her surprized and say, "You have the cutest smile." and see what happens.

 

you can do it. just takes practice.

[iplaymybassinthesun]

I can tell by your posting you are smart and have a good way with words (are you a writer?), really understand yourself and people in general. That will work loads in your favor when talking to girls. You already have a lot more than most guys who do it regularly.

 

I like coffebean201's answer. Baby steps.

 

Anything you can think of ask directions, advice in a supermarket, whatever. Do simple, noncommital type things first. But do it in high volume until the anxiety quells, than step it up a notch.

 

At some point when you really want to kick in the afterburner try this. Tell her a joke or wait till anytime she is laughing, look at her surprized and say, "You have the cutest smile." and see what happens.

 

you can do it. just takes practice.

 

I think I understand myself and people pretty well. That's sometimes the problem. If you think a lot, over a long period of life, you'll figure a lot of things out, but it will make you psyche yourself out. It will give you an excuse not to do anything, because you've never put thought into action and put your personality on the line by being vulnerable.

 

In other words, you've never tested what you learn, it's just there in your head as a philosophy about yourself, and as henry rollins said 'knowledge without mileage is bull****'

 

My problem is I just think too damn much when it comes to matters of the heart or god forbid the groin. I have a lifetime of analysis under my belt, but not a lot of experience making women 'feel' (as in emotions) whatever way they need to feel to want to be with me.

 

I've never formally written a specific work, but I do read a lot. I like your suggestion of high volume and repetition! Talking to women, expressing my interest in them and being someone who has healthy levels of intimacy is something that hasn't been in my comfort zone, so practice can only help me.