Mom is a Toxic Relative

[LittleMiss]

oK well this might be long..,but I would appreciate anyones input.

 

All of my life, well as far back as I can remember my mother has been a burden to me. As a child I grew up seeing my mom as an acoholic, and even get into drunken fights. I know she's done drugs over the years. She has been really reckless. I remember her not showing up to one of my band recitals and then found out that it was because she had got drunk, wreked the car, and got a DWI. When me and my sister were still in school she would take off drinking and come home at 3 or 4 in the morning. Sometimes she wouldn't even come home. We would have to stay home from school and take care of ourselves. Now I'm 22 years old and my sister is 17. About 3 months ago we found out my mom was doing heroin. She ended up in jail because of it, and when she got out she quit cold turkey. Now, I know she smokes marijuana. Almost everyday. I come home from work and the house or her room smells like it. Now she has been drinking heavily on an everyday basis. I basically am the only one with an income in the house. My mom has a small part time job as a waitress, but it doesn't pay much. My sister is pregnant and still in high school and she doesn't work.

 

To top it off I have a son of my own that I don't want exposed to alcoholism. Now I don't know what to do. When I try and confront my mom about her behavior she just gets all mad and yells and slams her door on me. Now she's even taking my car and my son without telling me. The other day I slept a little late on Sat. I woke up to find my mom and my son gone! I knew he was with her, but she didn't even tell me she was leaving or ask to use my car and she left her cell phone behind. She didn't come home for 4 hours. When she did, she had someone else driving my car and she was drunk. My son in only 22 months, but I'm still sure seeing his grandma like that will have an affect on him. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I support this family, but my mother is making our family miserable. How can I get her to stop this behavior? I mean would it be right for me to leave. Move me, my son, and my sister into our own house and just let her fend for herself? Any advice??

[Merin]

Wow, you've got a lot on your shoulders girl....

 

Is there any other relatives that could talk with your mom? She needs to get some help... sadly though, it doesn't sound as if she wants it.

 

I know she is your mom.... but I really do beleive that you have to consider your son first... he is still a baby, and your mom taking off with him... not okay. It's dangerous....

 

I would give your mom an utlimatum.... she either gets clean (like a in patient center) OR you are moving with your sister and your little boy to protect yourselves... if you continue to support her, then this will only enable her to maintain the status quo....

 

Take care of your baby and you first.

[Moose]

g_tabatha.....

 

What you are describing is what I'm trying to heal my family over. Except, I've never done herion or any other hard drugs....I do marijuana, and I still like my beer. But for the firt 12-13 years of my marriage I was a literal drunk. I woke up, had a beer, went to work, drank 3 at lunch then as soon as the bell rang I was into my daily case. I got several DWI's, let my family down on appointments, events, and embarrassed them wherever we went.

 

My kids lost all respect for me. I was looked at as a loser that'll never accomplish anything. I couldn't be trusted and noone could depend on me. Just where you're mom is at.

 

Here's the thing........, you can't do a thing about it. You can yell, scream, pout, bitch, and kick until you're blue in the face.....but it won't change a thing.

 

Your mom is going to have to be the one to do that. She's gonna have to hit rock solid bottom before she'll see that she needs to make a change in her life.

 

By you picking up your son and your sister, and your future neice or nephew and finding your own house in which only you four live might just be the kick in the rump she needs to see what she's been doing to you.

 

Sure, you'll feel guilty, and your mom may curse you, call you on the phone and complain that you ruined her life......but!!!! this may be her saving grace. You may have to go through a bunch of fights with her, but stand your ground and when or if she cleans up, she'll love you for it.

 

Provide your son and you neice/nephew, and your sister a better enviroment now. My mom still holds a lot of guilt for not getting us out when she knew she could.

 

Good Luck!!

[tiki]

You're 22 years old. Can you not support yourself and your child enough to get out of the house? She's endangering the life of your son. That's enough of a reason. Call DCS on her...the other child is still a minor and needs parental guidance! Sounds like a nightmarish mom, sorry to hear your story.

[LittleMiss]

I can support myself, but I feel like I'm obligated to support my mom as well since she has no other income. The job she has is no where near enough to pay the house bills.

[Moose]

Ummmmm, sorry, but you don't owe anything to your mom! Sure, she gave birth to you and carried you in her womb for nine months, but ummmmmm, as a Father, I'd rather see my children make it on there own. You don't need to support your mom just because her job sucks. You mom just needs to clean up and get a better job and take care of herself. Bottom line.

[LittleMiss]

Originally posted by Moose

My kids lost all respect for me. I was looked at as a loser that'll never accomplish anything. I couldn't be trusted and noone could depend on me. Just where you're mom is at.

 

Here's the thing........, you can't do a thing about it. You can yell, scream, pout, bitch, and kick until you're blue in the face.....but it won't change a thing.

 

Your mom is going to have to be the one to do that. She's gonna have to hit rock solid bottom before she'll see that she needs to make a change in her life.

 

 

What is it that made you change? I mean I have lost respect for her as well. I'm even ashamed of her. I hate when my friends drop by and they have to see my mom like that. I wish I could do something or point her in the right direction to help and recovery.

[tiki]

Originally posted by g_tabatha

I can support myself, but I feel like I'm obligated to support my mom as well since she has no other income. The job she has is no where near enough to pay the house bills.

 

But it's enough to buy drugs?! C'mon now!

[LittleMiss]

Originally posted by tikibrandy

But it's enough to buy drugs?! C'mon now!

 

I know! She makes about a hundered dollars a week. Maybe a little more. She pays like the water bill or the gas. You know the ones that aren't that much. I take care of the rest and buy stuff for the house. I know she keeps a little spending money. She has lied to me before about how much money she has. If I question her she says it's none of my damn business and she's the parent not me. I told her it is my business since I pay the bills to, and she yells and slams the door on me.

[Moose]

What is it that made you change? I mean I have lost respect for her as well. I'm even ashamed of her. I hate when my friends drop by and they have to see my mom like that. I wish I could do something or point her in the right direction to help and recovery.

 

I hit rock bottom. I was standing in between my kitchen and family room when my son said I all of a sudden fell flat on my face on the couch. I remember being in a half state of consciencness when they stuck a tube down my throat.....the last thing I remember seeing was my wife's and my daughter's face, they were red an soaked with tears......I woke up later in the week at the hospital and was told that my Doctor prescribed a deadly combination.

 

Even if that event didn't have anything to do with my drinking, the look on their faces, and my family being there when I finally woke up got me thinking about where I was going and what I was doing. Here I was, practically naked in a hospital with a tube shoved up my penis, and a bed pan next to me on a tray. Some old nurse telling me I slept for four days.....and that a couple of times I fought her and several nurses in my sleep. After literally dying a couple times while getting my stomach pumped, in and out of conscienceness........I couldn't see one positive thing that I would've left behind.

 

I sincerely hope that your mom doesn't have to go through something like that......but sometimes it's required to wake someone up. I know how desperatly you want to help her. But like I said, you'll be full of disappointment if you try. It has to come from her, and she has to want to clean herself up or it's not going to happen. Period.

 

Again, don't feel ashamed for leaving your mom behind, this could be her wake up call. If it'll make you feel better, give your mom 30 days to clean up or you're leaving with sis and the kids.

[tiki]

Tough love. Sometimes ya just gotta use it, man.

[LittleMiss]

Well I know this tread is old, but stuff has come up. My mom finally moved out of the house and moved in with some guy she has been partying with. Me and my son were on our own for a while until my boyfriend moved in a few months back. My mom hasn't been doing good. Still getting messed up, drinking, doing drugs. She so worse off than before. Needless to say, I've kept my distance from her. Well, last night she comes over to get some of her things and tells me that she is moving to Houston. I was like WTF? Houston is about 4 hours away and is a huge city compared to this small town. I just know she's just going to get even worse over there. I don't even know the people that she is moving over there with.

 

I know I've stayed away from her, but I feel like she is abandoning her family. Now all I have is my sister and my new nephew. That's the only family I have here. I have family out of town, but we are not close and I don't see them often. My son was crying when she left. He always does. He always wants to see her and now I don't know when he will see her again. This is so wierd, I'm not sure exactly how to feel.

[rukidding]

you are the parent, unfortunately, and your abandonment issues are up because of your mom. the best thing that can happen to her is that she will hit rock bottom and get into recovery. in the meantime, concentrate on your own life and the life of your son. your mom is an addict and you can't help her.

[amerikajin]

I can support myself, but I feel like I'm obligated to support my mom as well since she has no other income

 

You have to simplify things.

 

1. You are legally and morally responsible for your child - that comes first. He's more important than your mom and your sister. You have no choice - you MUSt defend him. Right now, your mother is a threat to his emotional and physical wellbeing, which means you have to keep her out until she can get her act together. You shouldn't leave your son anywhere near your mother unattended - at all - for any reason. And you'd probably do best to get your own place and make sure your mother doesn't get the keys.

 

2. Be a guide to your older sister. She needs your help whenever you can give it. Unfortunately, your hands are tied at the moment.

 

3. Your mother's just going to have to get her act together on her own. That must be an incredibly painful ordeal to go through but that's your best bet.

 

Good luck.