Will his proposal be sincere?

[batitm]

I'm looking for any opinions especially from others who have been in a similar situation. I am ready to get married but my bf "needs more time". I tried dropping hints but that wasn't obvious enough for him so I just came right out with it. He said he wasn't ready and it ended up being a huge disagreement. We didn't resolve the issue (there is really nothing to do but wait) but now that it has been a fight I wonder if he will ever really want to propose or if he will do it just because he thinks he has to (if he ever does). This is not something people should fight about and I'm wondering if it means we are not the best suited for each other. I don't want to pressure him but I'm tired of getting asked "When are you two getting married?" every time we go out. Also, I'm afraid he will wait so long that by the time we get engaged my attitude will be "about time!" rather than "I'm so excited!"

Hopefully this is not too confusing. Is it possible for us to still have a romantic engagement after this has happened?

[SoleMate]

I'm tired of getting asked "When are you two getting married?" every time we go out.

I hope you realize that this is a TERRIBLE reason to get married.

 

I just came right out with it. He said he wasn't ready and it ended up being a huge disagreement.

So, you proposed and he turned you down? Regardless of what terms you use, that is what happened.

 

Will his proposal be sincere?

Not if you have to beat it out of him.

[katie79]

People are annoying with that sh*t. When you're dating, people what to know when engagement is coming, wen you're engagement, when is the wedding, then when you're married, they want to know when the baby's coming! People are bored and like to rush others always. Try not to pay attention to it.

If he says he's "not ready", he's not lying to you. My fiance had never had problems bringing up marriage and kids, but he had trouble actually doing it. When I discussed it with him, he said he wanted it and he was ready. Eventually, he did it. We set a date the other night too. But getting back to you when he says he isn't ready, what he really means is he's not sure he wants to marry you. I don't know your age or his, maybve he's young, but if you're ready and he's not, is he worth waiting for? Are you confident he will change his mind about wanting to marry you a year or two from now? YOu have to decide that for yourself. Do you really want to marry him? Or is social pressure getting to you. This is the rest of your life don't forget. You should take a few days to think about this.

How will his proposal go? I don't know. It depends on how things go from here on out. I'll tell you one thing, I wasn't exactly overjoyed with the way my fiance proposed. My sister wasn't too thrilled with the way her husband proposed, and neither were her girlfriends. One of my married friends wasn't that excited by how her husband did it eitherl. Needless to say, these women have generally good marriages. For the most part, it's not like in the movies where clowns are dancing while he gets down on one knee and proposes. Nor is it anything like "Sweet Home Alabama" where Reese Whitherspoon gets a proposal at Tiffinay's. It's not that common. It will be special in it's own way. You'll see!

[pixie2004]

I know exactly how you feel. I am 23 and my bf 28. He never wants to discuss getting married. According to him it is not something you "discuss" and I wanted to know if he is committed to this relationship. It just felt pointless being together for 5 years and not knowing if this is going somewhere. It just felt wrong living together and not being married (or engaged) Well needless to say we had several big fights... now we are going back to our birth country for holiday and I think he is going to propose and ask my parents if we can marry. And I am terrified! I feel that this was what I wanted all these years and this is what I nagged and whinged for - and now I feel that I pressurised him into marrying me. If he does ask me I am going to say NO!

[batitm]

Katie, thanks for your input. I did want to marry him, but you are right. If he's not sure about marriage in the end it means he is not sure about me. I know this because before I met him I did not even want to think about marriage. I thought it was an issue for the far far distant future but within under a year of dating I knew I wanted to be with him. We've been dating for a long time and hes 25 so I don't see age as being an issue.

Pixie, I like you have come to the point that even if he did ask me I would feel it was forced (as would he) and I would have to say no. Who wants to marry someone under those circumstances?

[brandx]

No offense to anyone else on this, but let me post something from another point of view. Every person's circumstance is different. But just because he is not sure he wants to marry you yet does not mean that you should be unsure about him. And for goodness sake, why does everyone have to know the complete answer to the future. Please keep the statistics in mind that 50% of marriages end in divorce. What is wrong with taking the time to be sure about what you want and need long term? Believe me from experience, it is much better to find out before you are married that it does not work, than after. I realize that you feel you should know this after X number of years, but people change so much as they age and mature, regardless of how long they have been together, that sometimes it is better to wait.

 

There can be other factors too, such as issues from past experiences, fears, doubts, etc., that have nothing to do with what is right or wrong with YOU, but maybe things he needs to sort through. No one can tell him that he is right or wrong because of that. What you can do, though, is establish for yourself what is acceptable from the situation you are in and then follow through with it. Just be careful; take the time needed and communicate openly. Ask WHY he is not ready. You deserve to know that without a doubt. Then figure out what the next step is.

[memyselfandi]

. Also, I'm afraid he will wait so long that by the time we get engaged my attitude will be "about time!" rather than "I'm so excited!"

Hopefully this is not too confusing. Is it possible for us to still have a romantic engagement after this has happened?

 

I know where you are coming from seeing as I broached the subject with my partner and his response was a quite definate "No. Did that. Didnt like it." (Thats me told then - lol)

 

Anyway thats now left me seriously wondering whether I am with the right guy. I was previously married for a long time (21years) and from the time my marriage ended and right up until I met my current partner (an 8 yr period) I never wanted to get married again. But I fell for him and I thought he felt the same way. I didnt want a huge wedding I wanted to marry him somewhere quiet and just the two of us and a couple of witnesses. I wanted the commitment I guess and not the party.

 

Like you I now feel if he does ever change his mind (and I dont intend applying any pressure there) I will be thinking "about time" - thats if he ever does change his mind and if Im still around. As I said it has made me seriously question whether I am with the right guy.

[katie79]

but now that I'm engaged, things recently became different.

Believe it or not, when it came to actually planning the wedding, I thought I would be the one to pull the trigger. I was wrong!

Two weekends ago, my fiance was the one to call the halls and the church, make the appointments, and had the check ready! My family and I were stunned! But he took action. We now have a hall and a church booked!

So you never know. If he does propose, it will be special in it's own way. It will happen if it's supposed to. Tell him what you want, what you expect from him now. If he fails to realize your the greatest thing that ever happened to him and leaves you hanging, get rid of him and find another man that does! Move on. If you stay with him, you're wasting your time. And who knows, after reading that book that is called "He's just not that into you", perhaps he's staying with you so long without making a true commitment is for his own selfish reason. I had a few male friends that used to tell me, there are some guys that will just that. They'll date you for years and years, string you along on marriage, and leave you when they find a woman they really are crazy about. Men call this the "good for now girl". Beware of your bf putting you in this category. Pay attention to his actions, not what he tells you. Get moving on figuring out if he's worth your time now, don't wait another 6 months or a year(s).

If you do get past this, he proposes with a ring of engagement, and sets a realistic wedding date (including making plans to marry you), then all of this worry wont matter in the long run. The way your man proposes is always special in it's own way. Whether it's spontanious or planned, it's special and memorable. Most women aren't thrilled w/ the way their husbands proposed.!

[memyselfandi]

If he fails to realize your the greatest thing that ever happened to him and leaves you hanging, get rid of him and find another man that does! Move on. If you stay with him, you're wasting your time. And who knows, after reading that book that is called "He's just not that into you", perhaps he's staying with you so long without making a true commitment is for his own selfish reason.

 

Glad things worked out for you katie79 but what you said above makes perfect sense to me. I thought he was the best thing that happened to me but his reaction to my raising the marriage thing has knocked me for six - obviously I am not the best thing to have happened to him. I am hurt right now but I am at least thinking along the right lines. ie he may not be the right guy for me. Trouble is I live with him and have got to find an exit and the quicker the better as far as I can see.

I feel pretty cheated because he is the first guy I have ever felt anything so strongly for in 8 years and he knew my situation and allowed me to think he loved me, we moved in together etc. he talks about buying a new home together, we have an overseas holiday booked for early December etc etc so I thought "Yup he feels the same way" And he does say he loves me. But if he isnt willing to commit - then to me that screams "You will do for now until the right one comes along". I would have had no problems committing to him, because I love him.

Now Im on the back pedal and I would suggest anyone in a similar situation gets the hell out as quick as they can.

[katie79]

and don't feel bad either. If after all this (LONG) time, he's unwilling to commit marriage to you, you've lost nothing. Don't except his excuses of WHY he can't marry you. That's just a way to make you feel bad and accept his mistreatment. Right away...you two have already drifted apart. One person wants one thing and the other wants another. NOt good.

Move out of there asap!

Perhaps your leaving and unwillingness to accept his lack of commitment will make him realize what a big mistake he is making and what a fool he's been all along. Some men need a wake up call.

At this point, try not to shed a tear over him, he's not shedding any tears over you. When a man hears his gf say she wants commitment, he knows if he doesn't take action on it soon, it's very lilkely she will leave shortly. So he's not scared of loosing you, he wants to test waters with you longer and see just how far you'll go.

Don't let him take advantage of you like this. The worst is over.

[memyselfandi]

Originally posted by katie79

 

Perhaps your leaving and unwillingness to accept his lack of commitment will make him realize what a big mistake he is making and what a fool he's been all along. Some men need a wake up call.

At this point, try not to shed a tear over him, he's not shedding any tears over you. When a man hears his gf say she wants commitment, he knows if he doesn't take action on it soon, it's very lilkely she will leave shortly. So he's not scared of loosing you, he wants to test waters with you longer and see just how far you'll go.

Don't let him take advantage of you like this. The worst is over.

 

Actually I did shed several bucketfuls of tears (alone) and I have been through rather a lot in the past so if someone makes me cry that much - then I know they dont love me. Whether he realises what he has lost after I am gone, I dont know and I wont be back to find out either.

 

I feel much better today and am now starting to thinking more optimistically about the future.

[memyselfandi]

sorry but i am angry here goes:

well it wasnt mentioned upon his return but although i was chatty-ish he knew all was not rite though it wouldnt take a brain surgeon to work it out - she aks u about commitment u say no - sure everything is gonna be hunkydory ****ing a**h*** - even if i fell over him upon his return (which I didnt) so he was like pretending he did not know what was wrong. "Is everything ok? " Huh? go figure neandrethal. LOL

Then we went to bed and i got up for a coffee cos my soul has been wounded and i cannot lie with him (in the biblical sense LOL LOL)

**** but i still can laugh - i must have done all my crying last night when the pit of my stomach ached over it. lets face it - it is ****ed- ok hands up i screwed it by bringing up the subject but his response and continued response has made it a closed door. and yet i still love him but i will get over it - ive had to leave sumone that i loved for much longer before - you get a thicker skin as time goes on LOL LOL

You know Ive my sense of humour still intact and though i still cant stay here, im like **** it - im over it with him. in order to sort things hes gonnie have to open up and beg me to marry him LOL i dont c him doing that - i dunno if im that important to him on the scale of things. whatever he can go wank cos i aint sleeping with a guy who says he loves ya and doesnt show it - Id rather sleep with someone who just wanted a one night stand - at least it is honest. You know what? it took him till we got to bed to even say he missed me. the cunt.

LOL well i guess he knows its blown now as he gives himself some hand relief (or not- wot do I care) LOL

 

apologies for swearing but i reckon you will have a filter anyhow.

[red4kat]

Actually, batitm, 25 is a bit too young. If you read one of my postings on another poll similiar to this one, I did a personal research on what age men generally get married. There are exceptions, but in general the peaks are under 23 and over 27. They either rush into it without thinking which usually (but not always)end up in divorce) or start thinking about it logically and generally aren't ready untill they feel secure about their job and stuff. There is a general transformation that happens with them around ages 27-28. Some men start growing chest hair for the first time in their life at that age. So when you see a drammatic increase in chest hair, you can be sure age is no longer a factor for proposal delay. jk of course.

 

But seriously, around close to 30 is when men (which is about 3-5 years later than women) start going through a hormonal change and get into that I'm ready to settle mode. The best I can suggest you is to leave him alone and pretend you never had this conversation. All it will do is put a distance between you two and possibly even a break up. Or if you're ready to get married now and it doesn't matter if it's him, I'd suggest you get a brand new start with someone else.

 

To all those who think that friends little nasty comments are what making us want to marry, those comments aren't the reasons, they are just one of those anoying so to speak innocent remarks that make the whole cituation worse than it is. They are just there to aggravate us. So next time simply tell your firends, "will get married when we're ready, now get off my back".