I did it! Said goodbye formally to MM who thought we could be "Friends"

[ChloeChloe]

Well I thought I would just let it happen naturally, then decided I would go ahead and tell him I was cutting off communication completely. Quick synopsis, he told me we needed to call it quits for good several weeks ago but wanted us to remain friends. I wasn't sure that I could do that and have not been enjoying myself trying it. All the memories and none of the fun! It's the 4th time we've tried to downshift to stop the affair and we haven't been successful thusfar. i'm hoping I can finally get him out of my heart for good with no contact.

Thanks for the encouragement and advice others have given to me. It's SO hard(I already miss him terribly!) and I am afraid I will falter and send an email so I can keep the communication going.

 

Lord grant me ability to accept:

-SHE won! (But my bruised ego will heal-and besides, she doesn't even know she won!)

-I am being rejected(but it doesn't mean I am not special)

-I deserve better than just a small part of a man(Show some self-respect, girl!)

 

and finally-

Lord grant me balls of steel to stick with this!(figuratively, I am a woman after all!)

[sinner]

Great news, woman. I'm doing the same and it has been over 2 weeks! I'm hanging tough.

 

Believe me, you'll feel better in a few weeks. And if you get the urge to e-mail your now ex-MM, PM or e-mail a good buddy instead.

 

Good luck!

[ChloeChloe]

So how are you feeling today, compared to a couple weeks ago?

[sinner]

I am feeling better: stronger, happier, more self-reliant. It's great not being a slave to love, anymore.

 

As she recedes or more accurately as our time together dims my flame burns brighter.

 

No more ghosts.

[ChloeChloe]

I had a taste of that good stuff when he was on vacation for 2 weeks...and just made the connection after how miserable and obsessive I got after seeing him. Looking forward to getting it back because it feels good!

[sinner]

It's like a closed feedback loop. You talk to your ex and during the conversation you feel kind of ok (although the feelings are hollow, sad, pitiable). When you hang-up, you feel bad again. There's a bad taste in your mouth.

 

So you call again to deaden the pain and that call is even more dissatisfying than the prior call. The band-aid contact simply serves to remind you about what is no longer there. The contact, by both dispelling and increasing the gloom, makes you feel more vulnerable, more dependent, and more likely to call. And so on, and so on.

 

The trick is not to give in and call-- to hold down the fort in order to give the healing process time to occur. Each time you call it's like tearing the stitches and reopening the wound.

 

Keep the faith, woman. Stay strong for yourself and the cute single guys who will enter your life as the MM becomes a fading memory.

[9Lives]

Sinner,

I was glad to hear you say that. That is exactly how I felt when I saw my mm. Just plain old bad on the inside. Dont get me wrong, I maintained a strong front. But when I got alone, I felt sooo bad. I was proud of myself however for not just falling apart and looking all pitiful though. Oh, well. You got to do what...you got to do.

[9Lives]

choe,

Quit beating up on yourself. You did what you needed to do girlfriend for you. It is not about her.

 

I am missing my mm TERRIBLY too. But I am not giving in to the emotion. I am just cant. I want more out of a relationship. I am very weak for him too. That is another reason why I wont talk to him. Everyday that goes by means that you are getting stronger, and better. It is going to take some time though. It is going to hurt. You will be tempted to call. You will want to be with him. But guess what? He will feel the same way. And if he can keep going forward without you....then you can do the same. He is no better than you. So LET IT BURN!!!

[ChloeChloe]

Thanks, Rose! Re the wife, that's just my competitive side coming out. I've heard enough dispicable things about her to develop a negative opinion, but know I am only getting a slice of the truth!

 

I'm traveling now, went to dinner, and came back to check email. I'm already feeling a difference-no anticipation!! Before I'd wonder if he had emailed, then i'd most likely be disappointed that he didn't or by the banal nature of the note. But now I don't have to get my feelings worked up because there isn't going to be an email waiting there!

I'll continue to let it burn. And though it shouldn't matter-I hope he is hurting!

[9Lives]

He is. Yeah, I had to turn my cell phone ring off just to keep from wanting to hear it ring and it be him. How long has it been since you talked to him?

[ChloeChloe]

I talked to him last Friday, but our last emails were yesterday right before I sent this post. we usually email constantly throughout the day. it was such a nice distraction from boredom!

[sinner]

it was such a nice distraction from boredom!

 

 

That's another thing that makes NC so damn difficult: Boredom. The MM /MW fills up our days with a steady rhythm of communications, connections and contacts. We become addicted to the steady patter of communications.

 

But when the affair has run its course, and gone silent, the resulting dead air is quite painful. We're not only sexual and emotional junkies we're also communication junkies. The level of communication between affair partners is substantially greater than between spouses. You feverishly communicate with your lover in an attempt to bridge or fill the times between trysts.

 

LS, to some extent, helps relieve or quiet the "communication joneses"--it's our Methadone.

[MMBastard]

That's so true sinner................communication gap is a b*tch....

[ChloeChloe]

No kidding, sinner! I'm going to take your advice and send emails to friends!

Today I've decided the way I'm going to get through the day is to be glad that I don't have to hear about what is going on in his family life. His life from the outside seems so perfect(2 cute kids, very successful at work, popular guy with lots of friends, great house on the lake) and this is a frequent source of envy and jealousy for me. Before when I was trying to be his "friend" I felt I had to listen to this crap. But now I don't have to feel those pangs because I won't know what is happening!

[whichwayisup]

You say "and finally-

Lord grant me balls of steel to stick with this!(figuratively, I am a woman after all!)"

 

Standing O for you baby!! You got'em and stay strong. Hugs to you, you deserve them...But allow yourself to grieve too, it's okay.

[ChloeChloe]

thanks, holding tight here. i've already sent several emails to others to avoid sending him one!

[Sinner is right]

Originally posted by sinner

 

 

 

That's another thing that makes NC so damn difficult: Boredom. The MM /MW fills up our days with a steady rhythm of communications, connections and contacts. We become addicted to the steady patter of communications.

 

But when the affair has run its course, and gone silent, the resulting dead air is quite painful. We're not only sexual and emotional junkies we're also communication junkies. The level of communication between affair partners is substantially greater than between spouses. You feverishly communicate with your lover in an attempt to bridge or fill the times between trysts.

 

LS, to some extent, helps relieve or quiet the "communication joneses"--it's our Methadone.

 

 

Oh..My..Goodness Sinner,

 

You are so dam right! I was so bored without him today. I have been heavy all day. I miss his company like you would not believe. However...I am not giving in to the emotion. I refuse. But this stuff sucks.

He told me he loves talking to me and that the best part of our relationship was talking. He said he does not get that at home. So I know his butt is burning...just like me

[sinner]

Hang in there. Be strong. As time goes by--3 weeks to 3 months--you'll miss the affair chatter less and less. Your flame will grow brighter and stronger as his weakens to nothing.

 

You'll see.

[ChloeChloe]

Just want to let others know that so far NC isn't so bad! I'm on my 4th day of NC-and I feel pretty decent. I do miss him but I'm wondering if it was more the habit of our constant emails that I am missing. Our personal contact had disengaged quite a bit over the last few months-and I suppose I had done a lot of grieving about the change in our relationship already. I have been tempted to email, but when I do I think what is going to be so satisfactory about whatever response he has for me? I don't want to hear about his life/family etc and how things are just so super. I'll just feel envious and jealous-and I am NOT missing those feelings. I cried a bunch before I told him I was going to NC, then I immediately stopped after that. So...I think there is hope. Still not sure whether we'll be friends or not. Right now, the idea of it just doesn't sound that interesting to me as I liked being romantic rather than just friendly with him too much!

[whichwayisup]

CC Keep up it up! You're doing great! I'm really proud of you cuz IT IS HARD when the heart hurts. When your mind knows better but the heart says a completely diff. thing!

 

What you said about missing the emails etc...It's the feeling you felt when you got them is what you miss. NOT all that bad stuff...Concentrate on the NEGATIVE feelings he has caused you and how lucky you are to almost be free of it. I know it will take alot of time but again, you're doing great!!!

[izzybelle]

cc - you are doing great! i don't know that my situation will ever go completely NC so my dealing with the ending has been different than many. he's someone i need to try to keep in touch with professionally so it's added some different wrinkles to the situation since i need to try and repair any damage done to a friendship and professional relationship that has existed for probably about 15 years. i think it will work but.....

 

whichway - good for me to hear someone else talk about the struggle between heart and head! it's so, so hard to separate the two or know which you want to listen to. my hardest battle. and as much as my heart hurts, it is finally starting to listen and heal. i've had a few emails with my ex MM lately about both of us moving on and my not waiting. was proud of myself this morning that i finally felt like i could tell him that i knew and accepted the fact that i deserved better. not better than him but better than the situation would allow. i never thought i'd get to that point! he's not asking or expecting me to wait until he figures things out but it's taken me a while to accept the reality of the situation.

[whichwayisup]

Izzy...Wow...You're really strong and you're doing great too. Life just isn't fair sometimes. I was talking to a girl friend of mine recently and she was upset about her life, how things are going. Made me really think just how unfair fate, love and life can really be so cruel. But no matter what you will grow from this experience, hurting and all, but you will be a better person.

[izzybelle]

somedays i feel stronger than others, and luckily those days are getting to be more frequent!

 

yeah, sometimes life really bites! and over the past few months it felt like everything was going wrong at once and i don't know that i've ever felt quite so overwhelmed. but the heart has a way of healing and my strength is coming back and i know i need to learn an important lesson from all of this. but i also know that the heart doesn't always choose who it cares for and i'm afraid i'll let myself fall for someone again and end up back here..... easy to say, i'll never fall for a married man again, harder to do, especially if you're lied to or mislead!

[2ndConfusedfemale]

Hey CC, I'm in similiar situation (I posted the gist of it under girlconfused02 in the infidelity thread)...anyway the guy that I have feelings for has a girlfriend. They have been together since March03, and he met me in late March03 (he knew her since Jan.)...

 

...we dated for 8 months, and I found out that he had a girlfriend on Feb.13. He was scared of my reaction so we didn't see each other for about 5 months. He apologized for lying etc. but we ceased all contact by the end of March.

 

...in August he contacted me, and now we are trying this "just friends" thing, but I still find myself hoping that they will break up. OR that he would at least tell me that there is no chance that he will be with me. I haven't told him how I feel, or that I still have feelings for him or anything, but I did tell him that I will not have sex with him because I don't want to be the sex he apologizes for. I'm not really ready for a serious relationship (w/him or anyone right now) so there is SOME part of me that doesn't mind that he's involved, and wants to ask can we just try some time down the line.

 

...I also find myself thinking about how he went all of these months w/o talking to me so he must have some kind of feelings there, and that if everything was going good in his relationship while we were completely out of each others lives then why is he back?

 

...Anyway, I think that it is glad that you are being strong and not giving in. And I SO understand the competitive part of your post because every part of me wants to "take him" from her. I haven't talked to him since Monday (not because of an attempt at NC but to just keep my distance from him), and I really do have SOME peace. The only problem is that I can't help but wonder what would he do if I told him how I feel and that I wanted more.

 

...but no contact really does get easier w/time, especially when you realize that when you talk to the person your happiness is extremely happy, but when you are down you are extremely down, and they are like a drug.

[Fran_H]

but no contact really does get easier w/time, especially when you realize that when you talk to the person your happiness is extremely happy, but when you are down you are extremely down, and they are like a drug

 

Yes, exactly like a drug. A bad drug with fantastic highs. But the coming down is hell!

 

You have done so well CC, keep up the NC. The worst thing for me about NC is the sudden panic that maybe he doesn't really care if I contact him or not. But then I have to remind myself, it does not matter, because this is about ME not about HIM. You know you have to do it, because the holidays are getting closer. Hopefully by then, the worst will be over and you can have a nice Christmas without thinking about him spending it with his wife. I'm looking forward to Christmas for the first time in 4 years! I am determined to beat my addiction.

 

Next time I am going to become addicted to a nice single guy and I'm going to get as high as a kite and never come down.

(Well we all have to have a dream )